Wonkette

(UPDATE: Humorless sack of shit and local blogger Michael Fumento apparently has a law degree and wants to try it out on Wonkette because we posted his stupid fucking picture of Michelle Malkin dressed up like an Arab Killer. So we will take it down and post this picture of Fumento we found on some blog.) MORE »

U.S. bloggers will be thrilled to learn that the Iraqi police official who frequently gave horrific scoops to Baghdad’s AP bureau will soon be arrested and probably executed by Iraq’s government. This will teach those Blame America First people to always doubt actual journalists crazy enough to try to report news from Iraq, where the main news is everybody gets kidnapped and blown up and decapitated, every single day, forever. MORE »

Now is your chance for a FREE TRIP TO IRAQ. What do you have to do? Bray baseless accusations of fraud at TEH MSM until Eason Jordan pays for you to go to Baghdad! MORE »

* “Hundreds” of journalists from “top papers” happy to forsake journalism to begin capricious motherfucker apprenticeship with Bob Woodward. [Boston Herald]
* Tim Johnson to steal from Strom Thurmond’s playbook and have, “epoxy and polyurethane to prevent his skin from drooping off his skull ,” before allowing a Republican replacement. [Rude Pundit]
* A couple years of governing Massachusetts has made Mitt Romney hate the gays. Actually, just being Mitt Romney has made Mitt Romney hate the gays. [Andrew Sullivan]
* Budding online romance sends Malkin to Iraq., finally [Michelle Malkin]
* Democrats use powerful new media tools to strong political advantage. [Democrats.org]
* Louisiana banker tries sneaky The Price Is Right bidding technique to land a dinner date with Katrina fuck-up Kathleen Blanco for only $1. [AP]

[UPDATE, BREAKING, 11/06/2006: Michele Malkin actually paid a lawyer to make us explain to you that this illustration is "forged." Really.]
Here’s Michelle proudly trumpeting the brave work of her fellow lunatic bloggers in convincing Senator Rick Santorum and Rep. Pete Hoekstra to post documents seized from Iraq and the Taliaban on the internet for everyone to read and enjoy. MORE »

• John Boehner is going to gouge out John Kerry’s eyes and skullfuck him. [Think Progress]

• Just as soon as he catches up to that rocket car of his. [Zulkey]
• When voters in Florida’s 16th district pull the curtain behind them, the only thing they need to remember is: [Punch Foley for Negron]
• Misses Michelle Malkin’s gone wrestling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [Mekong Network]
• Leaked copy of the long rumored homosexual agenda includes, “assume complete control governments” and “be utterly fabulous.” [Stop the ACLU]
• Among soldier patronizing government officials, John Kerry’s killed less babies. [Rising Hegemon]
• Eazy-E dined at the White House with George H. W. Bush and had “a pretty okay time.” [The Corsair]
• Gawker wrote the Julia “I Dated Harold Ford” Allison post so we don’t have to. [Gawker]

We’ve got real breaking news to worry about, but in Michelle Malkin’s world it’s all about Michelle Malkin. Her latest e-mail to Gawker Corporate Headquarters reads, in full: “This is my second request for a correction and apology.”

To which we say, What the hell are we supposed to be correcting? We make fun of you, you act outraged about it, your readers get all excited, you send us the $5 through PayPal, we purchase a cocktail, you don’t have to come up with something to blog about. We think this is working out pretty sweet for you. In fact, we’re starting to think $5 isn’t a fair price. This may be what you pay illegal immigrants to write your Immigration Blog, but we have green cards!

Then again, it’s still $5 per post and you know how we like Happy Hour, so we’ll put up this one. And that’s it! For today, anyway …. Oh, new picture after the jump!

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Our boss is IM’ing us with stuff like, “Why is Malkin bothering me?” and “Please make it stop!” But if he thinks a couple of lowly bloggers can stop a force of jingoistic bullshit like Michelle Malkin, he is sadly mistaken.

The story so far: Malkin is apparently claiming the all-but-naked picture of her is somehow “photoshopped,” whatever that means. Sure it is, Michelle, sure it is. We happened to find that picture on Flickr, which clearly identifies itself as “The best place to store, search, sort and share your photos.” Nothing at all about “photoshops.” Nice try, Soviets!

Anyway, she’s hopping mad and she’s not going to take it. And her enthusiastic supporters are hopping mad, too. Imagine, a woman in a swimsuit! Some of them say they’ve seen Wonkette and they are not impressed. Apparently, this site is “childish,” “unprofessional,” “disgraceful” and “typical leftist dickeater.” Disgraceful, eh? Is it disgraceful that we didn’t publish that picture of Malkin with her mouth full of poop? See the real Mrs. Malkin, after the jump.

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[11/06/2006 UPDATE: Six weeks after we posted this hilarity about the world's smartest political columnist ever, she still doesn't comprehend that a) we did not "forge" or "Photoshop" the image posted below (it was found on a Flickr gallery by a Wonkette reader and then e-mailed to us on the Internets) and b) we made no claims as to its authenticity -- in fact, we comically over-qualified every reference to said image so it would be extra obvious. But now, at the behest of an alleged lawyer, we will bold all the relevant original wording that makes it abundantly clear to those familiar with the English language that we neither created nor vouched for said comical image. Malkin and her lawyer say the image is "forged," and we have no proof to the contrary, as we made abundantly clear in this original post, which now features helpful bold type but is otherwise unchanged beyond this update. God bless America.]

Today’s “somebody might be sort of hypocritical” outrage: Michelle Malkin has a new column about the slutification of very young girls. For a Malkin column, it’s downright mainstream. Other than certain Washington Times employees and the usual cops and congressmen, nobody is particularly happy about seeing 13-year-old girls covered in cheap makeup and hair product, with their rhinestone-studded thongs riding high on their fat asses and their “Porn Star” baby-Ts making it about halfway over their french-fry-stuffed navel-pierced guts.

OK, do you want to see Malkin allegedly gettin’ skanky, spring-break style? After the jump, obviously ….

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• It’s never a bad week when Education Department press releases sound like the hottest porno movie you’ve ever seen.

• George Allen proves he’s not as dumb we think, cause he knows all the dirty bill introduction tactics.
• Allen’s drive and power to lead come from his heroic American God complex, as captured in oil and displayed, fifty feet long, in his terrifying (we assume) home.
• Angry old flyover state cause du jour is a boycott of Miller beer because of the “money” they “donated” to Mexican American charities. Malkin involved, obviously, so whole thing bound to be forgotten by Monday.
• ABC News stores genuine bullshit dangerously close to the Capitol.
• Anderson Cooper’s hoping his bedroom eyes will distract you from the fact that he’s been sent to personally kill Castro.
• In an attempt to get more Benjamins, Target screws up its Franklins. Though a genuine FDR “action” figure would surely sell like hotcakes too.
• Katherine Harris wins her primary, just like we knew she would. And victory is sweet, so sweet.
• We didn’t make it to Katy’s party, not that we were invited, but we did get to this one, and we still haven’t washed Chris Matthews’ or Tim Russert’s handshakes off.
• Please take some time from your busy September 11th anniversary planning, and think about some stuff no one else will tell you.