Tag Archives: michelle malkin

  The Wonder Years

Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags

NEWS FLASH: You can afford these shoes on $7.25 an hour
Sen. Joni Ernst did her best in her robotic SOTU response to let us know that she empathizes with folks facing hard times: You see, growing up, I had only one good pair of shoes. So on rainy school days, my mom would slip plastic bread bags over them to keep them dry. But I was never embarrassed. Because the school bus would be filled with rows and rows of young Iowans with bread bags slipped over their feet. And thus was born the #breadbags hashtag: Read more on Joni Ernst: Let Them Wear Bread Bags…
  Education Nice Time!

Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace

Bluto studied Photoshop at Estes Kefauver Community College
Now here’s a nice thing if you’re into “education” and “free stuff,” which of course you are, because you’re an over-educated socialist liberal. President Obama is heading to Tennessee today to announce a program that would provide qualified students with two years of free community college, as well as other reforms aimed at making higher education more accessible. Tell us more, New York Times: Read more on Obama Proposes Free Community College; Will Terrify Wingnuts With Educated Populace…
  rage against the machine

Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms

#BetterThanJeb
Jeb Bush’s announcement this morning that he is exploring maybe thinking about the possibility of considering a run for the presidency has set off an awesome fit of rage and whining among the true conservatives of the right, and it is hilarious. Hanukkah doesn’t even start for a few more hours, and already we have received the greatest gift. Read more on Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms…
  That's Not What We Meme At All

Texas Congresstwit: Study Of Internet Spam Is Secret Obama Plot To Silence Conservatives

Some people say...
It must be difficult to live in a world where dark conspiracies are always seeking to destroy America and crush freedom. And lord knows, Our Government has certainly done some seriously nasty stuff! The thing is — and we’re only telling you this because we think you can handle it — not everything the government does is aimed at stifling dissent! No, really! Read more on Texas Congresstwit: Study Of Internet Spam Is Secret Obama Plot To Silence Conservatives…
  Oh SNAP we burnt ourselves

Twitchy Very Sorry For Calling Pelosi ‘Jew-Hating Bitch,’ Meant To Quote Someone Saying It

We here at Yr Wonkette know we are not Very Serious Journalists, nor do we try to be, because (a) we enjoy telling jokes, which you sometimes even enjoy reading, thank you very much, try the veal and tip your waitress; (b) we have never helped a president lead the country into a bullshit war with our Very Serious Journamalisming, only to print an itty-bitty apology years later that “oops, our bad, we kind of got that all wrong”; (c) we’d much rather let the serious types do the hard work, which we can then quote and make fun of — but with links, because we are not assholes or PLAGIARISTS, and we have no problem attributing our sources because that is basic interweb etiquette. Read more on Twitchy Very Sorry For Calling Pelosi ‘Jew-Hating Bitch,’ Meant To Quote Someone Saying It…
  They're Under the bed

Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!

So, everybody was all Happy and Nice Timey about the New York Police Department ditching its “Demographics Unit,” a.k.a. Muslim surveillance unit, right? All it did was anger New York and New Jersey’s Muslim communities and screw with civil liberties, whilst producing exactly bupkis in terms of counter-terrorist intelligence, so everyone said, “Good riddance,” no? N-O, the answer is no, not everyone was happy to see this waste of money come to an end, because what part of Muslims do you not understand? Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Home for Hysterical Xenophobes is SO MAD, you guys, about how political correctness has rolled the red carpet out for Al Qaeda to just attack New York whenever they want, go right ahead, nobody will stop you. As Breibart’s National Security Editor “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka notes, the NYPD has completely surrendered and is just waiting for Al Qaeda to come apply for murder permits at One Police Plaza. Read more on Don’t Blame Breitbart When Al Qaeda Murders The NYPD!…
  circles within circles within derples

Michelle Malkin Sees Through Eric Holder’s Partisan Scheme To Harm Republicans By Arresting Dems

It turns out that Barry Hussein Bamz-Soetoro-Alinsky isn’t the only schemer in the administration who plays 11-dimensional hopscotch, planning several steps ahead of reality to work miracles of political gamesmanship that only become obvious after the trap has sprung. Screeching rage-fueled harpy Michelle Malkin has sussed out the true intentions behind the Justice Department’s corruption indictments against prominent Democrats state Sen. Leland Yee in California and (now-ex-) Mayor Patrick Cannon: Attorney General Eric Holder is only going after these (allegedly) corrupt Democrats now so that voters will forget all about them come this fall’s elections, when Holder will go after Republicans, thereby erasing everyone’s awareness of Democratic corruption with his Jedi Balrog Majick! We wish more prominent conservatrolls were as smart as Michelle Malkin. Read more on Michelle Malkin Sees Through Eric Holder’s Partisan Scheme To Harm Republicans By Arresting Dems…
  crimea river

Lindsey Graham Takes This ‘Benghazi’ Thing Just A Bit Too Far For Voice Of Reason Michelle Malkin

Looks like the “Barack Obama’s weakness let Ukraine happen” trope has reached its apotheosis with this tweet from Sen. Lindsey Graham, with its inescapable logic: Barack Obama let Benghazi happen, therefore Ukraine. It’s just like that time when Reagan knew that somebody had to pay for the bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut, so he invaded Grenada to show Hezbollah who’s boss. If Obama had just kicked somebody’s ass — anybody’s — we would surely not have seen Russia trying to reclaim parts of the old Soviet territories. Remember how George W. Bush’s swift vengeance for 9/11 completely dissuaded Vladimir Putin from invading Georgia in 2008? Read more on Lindsey Graham Takes This ‘Benghazi’ Thing Just A Bit Too Far For Voice Of Reason Michelle Malkin…
  ugly vile little snark mob

Deleted Comments Of The Day, President’s Day Edition

Once more to the pending comments queue, dear Wonkers, and let’s just see what has piled up for you. We have this, from terribly upset person “Sundaymorningg,” in reply to that article we did when Michelle Malkin noticed that Michelle Obama wore a designer dress to the State Dinner for French President Francois Hollande. Sundaymorningg is not pleased with all the terrible racism and sexism all over Yr Wonket’s comments section: My goodness, this forum is just a study in liberal tolerance and love. You call women the C-word, bitches, whores and so on and pretend to be pro-woman. You make racist comments right and left and claim that conservatives are racist. Most of the comments read like a potty-mouthed version of Hukd on fonix. Thank you for verifying that liberals are the hateful, anti-woman, racist, nearly illiterate buffoons they accuse conservatives of being. Oh, we are such monsters here. We have already addressed the c-word, and while we recognize that not everyone agrees with Yr Editrix on that, she has had her Feminist Card revoked so many times by other people that she’s not too worried that a wingnut is now ready to revoke it again. Oddly, in the eleven (11!!!!1!) comments Sundaymorningg left, they said not a single thing about policies, but were very careful to police every instance of “bitch” or “cunt” in the comments, because obviously if you say an unkind thing about a particular woman, you are therefore precluded from wanting equal pay, reproductive freedom, health care, and all that nonsense. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day, President’s Day Edition…
  fa-fa-fa-fa-fashion

Michelle Malkin: Prissy Jerk Michelle Obama Wore A Ball Gown To State Dinner Like Some Kind Of Prissy Jerk

That picture that you see above is Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States, with her husband, the “president.” They are welcoming guests at their state dinner for French Mssr. President Socialist A. Horndog. She looks very pretty! While we were at first not wowed by the periwinkle and black color combination of this Carolina Herrera gown, at least not from a distance, with this closer look we now see the lovely detail work on the black overblouse, as well as the fuckin’ bitchen bustle with this sideview, because aw yeah booty. Well, some “journalist” (haw haw haw scarequotes) from NBC tweeted #BOWDOWN (it is, we are informed, a #Beyonce thing) with a picture of this dress, and the nine fulltime staffers at Twitchy had themselves a motherfucking cow babby, right there in their jammies. (It was very messy. Just cow babby placenta goop EVERYWHERE.) Now, Michelle Malkin is retweeting pictures her followers sent her of their best Goodwill finery. Let us see, with a lazy, Twitchy-style bunch of other people’s tweets, what Michelle Malkin’s Flying Monkeys think the First Lady of the United States should wear to a State Dinner, after the jump! Read more on Michelle Malkin: Prissy Jerk Michelle Obama Wore A Ball Gown To State Dinner Like Some Kind Of Prissy Jerk…
  never again

Michelle Malkin To One-Percenters: It Gets Better

Well thank god, someone has finally come to the defense of all the rich. Michelle Malkin has bravely come forward to call for an end to the “bullying epidemic” that plagues our nation: No, not the school bullying issues that get constant attention from Hollywood, the White House and the media. No, not the “fat-shaming” and “body-shaming” outbreaks on Facebook. The problem is wealth-shaming. Class-shaming. Success-shaming. The State of the Job Creator is under siege. You see, Malkin understands that when tech gazillionaire Tom Perkins wrote that letter to the Wall Street Journal warning that the rich are facing their very own Kristallnacht, he wasn’t being an obnoxious douche. He was presenting a “critical message in defense of our nation’s achievers” that she prays “will transcend, inspire, embolden and prevail.” Unless, of course, the Takers have their way and Holocaust the rich to death, putting them on the incremental tax increase trains and shoving them into the gas chambers of Keynesianism. Read more on Michelle Malkin To One-Percenters: It Gets Better…
  nein nein nein!

Shrieking Meth-Rage Banshee Michelle Malkin Selling Twitter Rag ‘Twitchy’ To Some Dumb Idiots

Do you love humorous things, perhaps of a political nature? Do you like wit, and incisiveness, and not being A Idiot? Then you probably do not read Michelle Malkin’s Twitchy. It is a bad place of sadness where unnamed “staff” go and cull tweets from right wingers yelling at liebruls and then add commentary like “SNAP” and “YA BURNT” (they do not actually say “YA BURNT” I think, because that would be too much coolness) and call it a day. Oftentimes, instead of focusing on SNAPpy BURNING from rightwingers, they focus on dastardly tweets from treasonous Demoncrats, at which point all the monkeys fly out of Michelle’s butt and go harass the Demoncrat in question for like days. Also, seriously, they are stupid as fuck. Read more on Shrieking Meth-Rage Banshee Michelle Malkin Selling Twitter Rag ‘Twitchy’ To Some Dumb Idiots…
  also obama has never been vetted

Drudge Sirens! Twitchy Discovers That Executive Branch Runs Parks, So Shutdown All Obama’s Fault

The good folks at Michelle Malkin’s Home for Aggrieved Aggregators have made a shocking discovery! House Republicans did not shut down the park service, and in particular did not shut down the World War II Memorial on the National Mall. Turns out the orders to shut out WWII vets came directly from Barack Obama himself! And they have statements from a Park Service spokeslady, even: Stephen Hayes @stephenfhayes: At the WWII Memorial, Carol Johnson w/the Park Service says they were told to close the site by White House’s Office of Management & Budget. Kathleen McKinley @KatMcKinley: There it is. The White House Office of Management & Budget ordered the closing of the WWII Memorial. Disgusting. Yep, there it is. Harry Reid can point his grotesque fingers at the GOP all he wants, but the order to close the World War II Memorial reportedly came straight from the executive branch. We would like to congratulate the Twitchers for their sleuthing. Never mind that it’s Congress’s job to ensure that government is funded — once the money was no longer authorized, it was indeed the Office of Management and Budget (which manages federal facilities) that told the Park Service to shut down parks and monuments in DC, doubtless because Barack Obama Hates America’s Troops. Read more on Drudge Sirens! Twitchy Discovers That Executive Branch Runs Parks, So Shutdown All Obama’s Fault…
  the anger games

Food Stamp Recipients Worried About Government Shutdown, Wingnuts Outraged

Aww, Twitchy: It’s so nice to know that you guys care! Under the headline “Looming government shutdown elicits concern among food stamp recipients” yesterday, the rightwing twitter aggregator noted that according to a USA Today explainer on the shutdown: the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) has enough money to last one more year. That means the food stamp spigot will keep flowing for a long time regardless of what happens in Washington DC tonight. This, of course, was an excuse to present a number of tweets from greedy food stamp recipients who “have not gotten the message:” I better Still get my food stamps this month #shutdown Read more on Food Stamp Recipients Worried About Government Shutdown, Wingnuts Outraged…
  ten-car pile on

Amanda Bynes, The Twitchy Team And Think Progress Blogger Dude In Three-Way Tie For Last

Oh god how do we write an article when we loathe everybody involved? Oh wait, we do that every fucking day here at yr Wonkette. But – today is a special epic valley of dumb people fighting. It is a veritable Grand Canyon of dumb. Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you Amanda Bynes on the Obamas, some dude from Think Progress who clearly does not spend time on the internet, and a recap by Michelle Malkin’s Twitchy: Read more on Amanda Bynes, The Twitchy Team And Think Progress Blogger Dude In Three-Way Tie For Last…
  urine big trouble young lady

Wingnuts Outraged: HBO Lady Lena Dunham Pees All Over Memorial Day

Say, would you believe that conservative blogonauts found something to spend Memorial Day DEEPLY OFFENDEDED over? Yes, we know, what are the odds? The shocking contretemps involved Lena Dunham, that terrible awful young lady who made an innuendo-laden video that compared voting to sexytime romps with a black man. We don’t know much about Ms. Dunham, but Yr Editrix is a fan. Now it seems that Ms. Dunham has gotten herself into one of those wacky scrapes you’d expect from the “Carrie Tyler Moore” character on that Girls Gossiping in the City show of hers, only instead of an embarrassing hipster faux pas involving whatever the hell constitutes a faux pas among hipsters, she committed High Treason by Twitter, sending out a message that quite literally announced her hatred for the troops, the flag, the Constitution, and All that is Good and Holy. We hope you are sitting down, because we will now reveal the contents of her perfidious tweet. It read in full, “Happy Memorial Day! I’ve already peed in two different Starbucks bathrooms!” WTF? TMI?  No, wait, Egad! Did that whore just trivialize Memorial Day? Quick! To the Outrage Signal! Read more on Wingnuts Outraged: HBO Lady Lena Dunham Pees All Over Memorial Day…
  cowards

No Buttsechs For Gay Messicans After All

Recently, there has been lots of Nice Time! for our LGBT sisters and brothers. But hey, this kind of momentum can’t go on forever, and who better to put a stop to it than the House GOP  Senate GOP  Democratic Senators from red blue states. Wait, what? Are you fucking kidding? Our latest group of yellow-bellied, weasel-faced, backstabbing pieces of rat poop occupy four seats on the Judiciary Committee, where Sen. Leahy decided against offering his amendment to protect same-sex couples in the immigration reform bill because he didn’t have the support from his OWN GODDAM PARTY. This is basically like slapping the LGBT community in the face with Michelle Malkin’s sweaty nutsack. Who are these four spineless fucknuggets? Senators Al Franken, Dianne Feinstein, Dick Durbin, and Chuck Schumer are the backbone-missing goat-blowers who decided to bow down to the altar of Republican bigotry and offer up the LGBT community as their sacrifices to expediency. Read more on No Buttsechs For Gay Messicans After All…
  whip it good

Spanking Lovers Sean Hannity and Michelle Malkin Worry That Sportsball Players Are Getting Too Wussy

So there was a sportsball thing that happened in the past couple days where a head coach of college basketsportsball got fired for providing college kids some teachable moments by kicking them, hitting them, throwing sportsballs at their heads, and calling them pretty much every homophobic slur you can think of. He sounds nice! Rational people, of course, responded with joy to the idea that a sportsball coach could be fired for actually straight-up assaulting students, but the good people of Fox News are not rational, and instead took this opportunity to wax nostalgic about their favorite ways to beat and get beaten and to explain how kids these days need to toughen up: Read more on Spanking Lovers Sean Hannity and Michelle Malkin Worry That Sportsball Players Are Getting Too Wussy…
  spittle flyin'

Anchor Baby Michelle Malkin So Mad About Immigrants For A Change

Anchor baby Michelle Malkin is flabbercensed, y’all, about the Associated Press changing its stylebook to avoid namecalling immigrants who don’t have all their paperwork in one sock put the final nail in the Lamestream Media’s coffin. Not only has the AP decided to stop calling these terrorvaders “illegal immigrants” (because, so mean!), but they’ve also dropped “undocumented immigrant,” which really burns Michelle’s bacon. Read more on Anchor Baby Michelle Malkin So Mad About Immigrants For A Change…
  a model idiot

Toxic Xenophobe Michelle Malkin’s Twitchy: Still A Idiot (Updated!)

How is Michelle Malkin’s House for Runaway Dwarves With Syphilitic Brain Lesions furthering the cause of conservatism lately? Like this: “Rainn Wilson, Michael Moore cite Onion’s NRA-bashing parody.” In it, the unbylined “Twitchy staff” do a happy gleeful GOTCHA dance about liberal stupids. See, Michael Moore and Rainn Wilson tweeted out an Onion link — and the Onion is a parody website! MICHAEL MOORE AND RAINN WILSON GOT SO TRICKED WITH THEIR TINY DUMB BRAINS HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, wait, but is there anything in either Wilson’s or Moore’s tweet to suggest they didn’t know The Onion is a parody site? No? BECAUSE SHUT UP IS WHY. Read more on Toxic Xenophobe Michelle Malkin’s Twitchy: Still A Idiot (Updated!)…
  keep fucking that chicken

Happy Conservative Warriors Defeated by Mysterious CPAC Plague Caused By Liberals Probably

Everybody please welcome our newest Wonkesse, Kaili Joy Gray what we stoled from Daily Kos! Remember that time when all the hip, young conservatives — like teen starlet Phyllis Schlafly and some dumb chick from Alaska and also for some reason Michele Bachmann — gathered in that godless cesspool that is our nation’s capitol to discuss America’s Future: The Next Generation of Conservatives [Second subhead because more subheads equals more smarter sounding] New Challenges, Timeless Principles? Of course you do, because it wasn’t even a week ago, and you’re probably still putting the finishing touches on your CPAC 2013 scrapbook, complete with pictures of not-racist dudes dressed like Thomas Jefferson, whitesplaining how The Man is keeping them down with the socialism and the Obama ‘n stuff. Also, BENGHAZIIIIII!!!!!! Ah, memories. If you were (un)lucky enough to attend Chickenfuckingpalooza 2013, Michelle Malkin’s Hashtag Homeroom Twitchy says that Twitter says you also might be still suffering from the “103 fever” and the “chills and body aches” and the “raging ear infection”: Read more on Happy Conservative Warriors Defeated by Mysterious CPAC Plague Caused By Liberals Probably…
  so is your face

Michelle Obama Answers Questions On Twitter, With Predictable Results

Michelle Obama: Today I will be on Twitter taking your questions about my Let’s Move campaign! Would anyone like to ask me about it? Wingnuts Everywhere: BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI BENGHAZI. Read more on Michelle Obama Answers Questions On Twitter, With Predictable Results…