Tag Archives: michele bachmann

  We Completely Left Out Odin Again

2014: The Year In God-Bothering

If it's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
God had another big year in 2014, especially right near the end, when His Servant on Earth, Bill O’Reilly, finally declared victory in the War on Christmas. So we can look forward to a 2015 that’s free of that particular topic, we bet. Even so, it would appear that there are still a few areas of American life where religion has caused a wee bit of a ruckus. Like, let’s say, the courts, where the Supremes declared that the Hobby Lobby corporation’s sincerely held religious beliefs can exempt them from following laws they don’t like. Not that there’s going to be any weird fallout from that decision, like people suing for the right to ignore child labor laws because God says it’s OK. Read more on 2014: The Year In God-Bothering…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: We Were Very Mean To Barack Obama And Those Girl Scouts And We Should Feel Bad

Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...
Beyond all the half-priced candy, one thing we like about going to the store after Christmas is the sudden arrival of pallets of storage supplies — it holds out the hope that if you just buy the right plastic bins, you’ll be free of all the clutter that’s built up during the year. And so we bring you our own efforts at cleaning out the muck: A bunch of detritus from the comments queue, which we now won’t have to think about any more. Let’s start with some people we have upset with our unwarranted cruelty. For some reason, our piece on Barack Obama wearing a tiara while taking a photo with some girl scouts rubbed a few people the wrong way, perhaps because we said wearing a tiara betrayed Barack Hussein Obama’s desire for absolute power. “Thea” took us to task for being so mean to a decent, honorable man: Read more on Deleted Comments: We Were Very Mean To Barack Obama And Those Girl Scouts And We Should Feel Bad…
  It's Jihad All The way Down

Michele Bachmann Has Had It With Obama Supporting Jihad By Bombing ISIS

When in doubt, use this picture
Former Congressidiot Michele Bachmann explained in a recent interview that even when Barack Obama is trying to get one group of Muslims to bomb the hell out of another group of Muslims, he is actually advancing worldwide Islamic jihad, because of course he is. Read more on Michele Bachmann Has Had It With Obama Supporting Jihad By Bombing ISIS…
  Look Back In Angerbear

WND Spills Blood, Tears, Jizz In Exit Interview With Michele Bachmann

When in doubt, use this picture
Now that Michele Bachmann has said a God-filled farewell to the House of Representatives, she’s also doing a valedictory tour of rightwing media, or at least WorldNetDaily. It is titled — we swear we are not making this up — “GOP Legend Quits Congress With Message For America,” which is pretty loose usage if you ask us. Myth, yes, legend, not hardly. Read more on WND Spills Blood, Tears, Jizz In Exit Interview With Michele Bachmann…
  he looks good with a beard! no an actual beard

Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk

We will always love you, The Bachmanns
via Michele Bachmann’s Facebook page Man, we are really going to miss Rep. Michele Bachmann. And not just because of her fabulous fashion sense and even more fabulous husband sense, or her riveting speeches on how much she loves God and freedom, but also because of sparkly rhinestones like this. Read more on Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk…
  Also Did We Mention God? She's Big On God

In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God

Here's the story, of a crazy lady, who was talking to a devil to her right ...
Michele Bachmann gave her farewell address to the House of Representatives Tuesday, and while we were worried that she might just stand up and announce that all her email should be forwarded to Shelly@CrazyEyes.com, she actually did deliver a thoroughly Bachmannian speech. It hits all the required notes: Freedom, In God We Trust, Why the House is the Best House, plus several extra helpings of God stuff just to be sure. Read more on In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God…
  Listen to the man with an onion around his belt

John McCain Snarls At Young GOP Punks To Get Off His Lawn

Ugh, kids these days
Sure, you might think the whole Republican Party has gone round the bend and off the deep end about President Obama’s decision to destroy America (again!) with his unprecedented executive action on immigration. But no, that is A Illusion because a few young congressional newbies are making it look that way. So sayeth Sen. John Bitterpants McCain, always the voice of reason and rationality (unless there is a slight problem with The Economy, in which case drop everything and proceed immediately to crapping in your Depends, or unless someone somewhere isn’t currently being bombed). Read more on John McCain Snarls At Young GOP Punks To Get Off His Lawn…
  Countdown To Imspeechment

A Children’s Treasury Of Preemptive Hissy Fits On Obama’s Immigration Speech

Real wrath of God type stuff
We hear that the president’s giving a speech tonight — not that the broadcast teevee networks will bother carrying it — and while the full details of the executive action aren’t out yet, Republicans know it’s pretty bad. Here are just a few of the Psychic Predictions of disaster they’re floating: Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Preemptive Hissy Fits On Obama’s Immigration Speech…
  national treasures

God Closes Michele Bachmann Door, Opens Joni Ernst Window

She hearts you 'Merica
Today, in the gloom of the morning after, we must come together to give thanks to our assorted heathen gods for Joni Ernst, Jester-Elect of the United States Senate. Joni Ernst is an anchor for us to cling to in the midst of a turbulent midterm election that saw our electoral expectations decimated all across the country. Kansans, the majority of whom had been demonstrably screwed by Sam Brownback’s interpretive dance of conservative budgeting, at first seemed to poised to sensibly fire him but then rewarded him with another term in office. Massachusetts, having apparently forgotten the hideous ordeal of getting gay marriage and socialized health care under Mittens Romnington, decided to roll the dice with another Republican governor. Read more on God Closes Michele Bachmann Door, Opens Joni Ernst Window…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing

Ebony And Irony
Oh, golly, it’s time for another Derp Roundup, a chance for us to bring you some of the stories that were just too damned stupid to ignore altogether, but which didn’t quite merit a post of their own. You may want a good stiff serving of the reality-amending chemical compounds of your choice before you expose yourself to this stuff. Read more on Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing…
  Two Days At The Values Voter Summit

Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again.

The Values Voter Summit happens every fall at the Omni Shoreham Hotel, the premier venue for conservative conventions in Washington, DC. (For those of you keeping score, it goes Omni, Grand Hyatt, Mayflower. We do not attend conventions at sub-Mayflower hotels.) Read more on Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again….
  so long farewell

A Children’s Treasury Of ‘Normal Real Person’ Michele Bachmann

She's real something all right
Photo by Beth Ethier While watching soon-to-be-former-Rep. Michele Bachmann tell the Values Voter Summit Friday morning that she is a “normal real person,” the sense of just how great a source of comedy we are losing with her upcoming retirement really hit home. Is there even a reason for Wonkette to go on existing once old Crazy Eyes walks off the House floor for the final time and flies back to a life of hot dish suppers and plagues of foster children? We’re going to mention this to the Editrix if she ever surfaces from her long sex tour of the West Coast. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of ‘Normal Real Person’ Michele Bachmann…
  Whine and Jesus Party

It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again

nice ride
Outside the Values Voter Summit 2014/Photo by Beth Ethier It’s time for all the wingnuttiest Christianist wingnuts who will never be president to gather once again in D.C. to Biblesplain how President Obama is THE WORST, liberals have killed Jesus (again!), and it’s hard out there in these American United States of Real America for an outraged white dude. Read more on It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again…
  Great Female Women And Ladies

Michele Bachmann Thanks Phyllis Schlafly For Ending The Cold War

Insert Pink Floyd joke here
Michele Bachmann just wanted to let you all know that not only is she an American hero, she also has an American hero: anti-feminist and riot-starter Phyllis Schlafly, whom Bachmann describes in an interview with wingnut paranoia clearinghouse WND as “the most consequential female woman in public policy in the last 50 years of the 20th Century.” And why is she such a consequential female woman? Well how does being personally responsible for the end of the Cold War grab you? Read more on Michele Bachmann Thanks Phyllis Schlafly For Ending The Cold War…
  It Gets Stupider

Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway

Actual result of anti-bullying laws
Here’s a very nice thing that grew out of a very ugly thing, and a very ugly thing in reaction to it: Minnesota’s got a new “Safe and Supportive Schools Act” aimed at combatting bullying and making schools safe and supportive, don’t you know, for LGBT young people. It was passed earlier this year as part of a settlement in a civil-rights lawsuit, and following a string of suicides in the Anoka-Hennepin school district. And of course, now that the law is being implemented, a bunch of wingnuts are fighting to reverse it, because it is Gay Indoctrination that is oppressive to decent Christians who hate gays, with all the Christian love in their mean, pinched hearts. And that is why on Saturday, the “Minnesota Child Protection League” is having a big fundraising dinner headlined by two of America’s premier advocates of gay panic, Matt Barber and all-around Loon Queen Michele Bachmann. Read more on Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway…
  She knows some things about The Islam

Michele Bachmann Would Like Obama To Stop Shoving Religion Down America’s Throat

The president sure has choot-spa
It is such a tragedy that Rep. Michele Bachmann will soon be retired from Congress and no longer around to edutain all of us, especially President Obama, who doesn’t know anything about anything on all of the world’s religions. Unlike Michele, who is A Expert. And not just on her own religion, which requires her to do whatever Marcus tells her to do because the Bible says he is the boss of her, or even just on Judeo-Christianity, which is basically the same thing plus Israel, and requires that all Jews hate Obama because that’s in the Bible too. Michele also knows about The Islam, which the president does not understand at all, even though his administration is crawling with secret Muslim terrorists, so he should know better. Still, because Obama is not as smart as Bachmann, she has helpfully splained it for him because he is so wrong about everything: Read more on Michele Bachmann Would Like Obama To Stop Shoving Religion Down America’s Throat…
  Shell Shocker

Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Manager Quits To Spend More Time With His (Alleged) Bribe Money

Oh this guy, what a joker
Looks like Senate Minority Leader and Supreme Chelonian Overlord Mitch McConnell is going to have to find himself a new campaign manager after the sudden resignation of Jesse Benton, who will now have more time to hold his nose and wait for Rand Paul to snap him up for 2016. It might be a long wait, what with the guilty plea last week by Ken Sorenson, a former Iowa state senator who admitted taking bribes to switch his endorsement from Michele Bachmann to Ron Paul shortly before the Iowa caucuses in 2012. What the what? How is bribery in the Iowa caucuses two years ago connected to Yertle’s Senate hopes? Let us connect ye olde dots for you! Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Manager Quits To Spend More Time With His (Alleged) Bribe Money…
  On the count of three everyone panic

Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail

Nothing to fear except EVERYTHING
File this under No One Could Have Predicted: While members of Congress are on summer vacation, holding town halls so they can pretend to give a damn about what their constituents have to say, it seems some of those constituents are a tad miffed about this whole BORDER CRISIS!!!!! situation and what exactly Congress plans to do about that. Read more on Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat, Sorry ‘Bout That Nazi Pasta, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Who needs more coffee? And donuts? You, you over there, you were supposed to bring the donuts. BREAKING!!! Stop the presses (or the pixels, whatever): Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty. Now you know. Read more on Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat, Sorry ‘Bout That Nazi Pasta, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Stop making us talk about it some more

Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself

RINO
We have some BREAKING NEWS to report on the developing story of the vast left-wing conspiracy “scam” to force Republicans to talk about impeaching President Obama even though they do NOT want to talk about that at all, no sir. Seriously, they don’t want to talk about it. They really don’t want to talk about it. Truly, you cannot find a single Republican who wants to talk about impeaching the president. And yet, when asked on Monday whether Mike Huckabee, who supposedly is a Republican, believes the president is “worthy of impeachment,” the Huck did not say, “Don’t be ridiculous, that’s absurd, come ON, man.” Which is what you’d think a so-called Republican would say when asked about impeaching the president, since NO Republicans actually want to impeach the president, wink wink nudge nudge say no more. But, strangely, the Huck did not say that. Instead: Read more on Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself…
  Bondage and Dummy Nation

Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama

The safeword is
The House passed both of its super-tough immigration bills last night, so they can now go home to their constituents and brag about how they stuck it to those scary diseased border-crossing children. And along the way, Michele Bachmann was so excited about the prospect that she dabbled in a bit of rhetorical excess. Yes, we know you are astonished. Read more on Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama…
  #MadAboutAThing

Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments

It’s going to be a sad day in America when we don’t have Rep. Michele Bachmann to make us die of laughter anymore because she is retiring from Congress to spend more time standing up for oppressed heterosexuals, defending herself against those pesky ethics violations charges, and helping her faaaaaabulous husband pick out “doggie sunglasses” for their dog Boomer, which, let’s face it, is probably some kind of TMI not-safe-for-work euphemism we should all just try to forget. Unless, of course, she can persuade some Republicans to beg her to run for president in 2016, and yes please, pretty please, because we all had such a good time when she ran in 2012 and “didn’t get anything wrong,” other than all the stuff she did get wrong, which is exactly why we Team Blue types should be #ReadyAsFuckForMichele, awwwww yeah. Read more on Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments…