Time is running out but there is enough time—but like barely though—to fill you in on what you need to know on a need-to-know basis: The House Republicans have formed a committee. It is called the “GOP ACORN Rapid Response Committee” or “GOPACORNRRCmte,” although it probably has a secret code name. There’s no time to speculate about what the secret code name may be. Its members include the crucial Representatives Patrick McHenry, Darrell Issa, and Michele Bachmann. The aims of said committee include: MORE »

• SHE REALLY REALLY WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT: [We're out of absurd descriptions for her] Michele Bachmann unintentionally revealed yesterday, while yelling about Democrats, that she thinks about running for president 24/7: “They want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice.” Hey, Michele, GOD WILL DECIDE which lady gets to be lady-president first, so stop bothering him and be patient okay? [TPM]

Remember when America was American as APPLE PIE, when you could call your congressman’s office and enjoy the patriotic vibrations of MICHELE BACHMANN’S iTunes playlist while you were put on hold? Those days are over, because Caliph of the House NANCY PELOSI has decreed strict Sharia law: Henceforth, all music is forbidden in congressional offices, the obvious exception being KENNY G’S “The Moment,” since that was the Mujahideen’s theme song. But if Nancy is so in love with the TALIBAN, why has she trimmed her beard? Curious gossip mongers want to know … MORE »

Man, the “easy post factory” will carry this entire liberal/evil blogosphere on her back, alone, through these last slow news days of summer, if she must. She could charge a subscription fee for each time she opens her mouth, and we’d buy 270 days up-front! Here’s the latest, from a speech she gave yesterday in Denver, which is far, far away from her congressional district: “‘This cannot pass,’ the Minnesota Republican told a crowd at a Denver gathering sponsored by the Independence Institute. ‘What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass.’” Well, what’s the body count so far? [Colorado Independent]

• Martin Peretz of The New Republic has an extremely developed, terminal case of xenophobic crotch rot. [Barrett Brown: True/Slant]
• Senator Grassley is only interested in the perfect health care bill. It must be as strong as an ox on ‘roids, as whimsical as a bicurious white tiger. It must birth from Adam’s meatiest rib. It must be a masterpiece, it must be perfect. [Matt Yglesias]
• The aporkalypse will kill 50% of everybody. [AMERICAblog]
• Charlie Crist reveals that his secret Judaism saves white people from Hurricanes every year when he visits the Holy Land and sticks his cock into the Wailing Wall. [AP]

Bachmann. She got on some conference call last week with 350,000 people, to tell them Facts. Here’s the gist, of it, according to the Minnesota Independent: “In response to a caller from Minnesota who wanted to know if there was a plan afoot in Washington to require all medical doctors to perform abortions, Bachmann didn’t exactly shoot the suggestion down.” But here was her most urgent message for these people about health care reform: “That’s really where this battle will be won — on our knees in prayer and fasting,” she told the listeners. ‘Remember: faith without works is dead. So we’re asking you to do all of it: pray, fast, believe, trust the Lord, but also act.’” We agree with Bachmann on this one: all of these folks *should* fast! Fast faster, people! Make it a goal to not eat or drink for TWO WEEKS. Big outer space man will be mad if you don’t do this! [Minnesota Independent]

Important World Net Daily provocateur Drew Zahn has written the puff piece from Hell about psychotic Minnesota Monster Michele Bachmann, and you must read it, to be informed about politics. The fappery begins like so: “She began her political career simply, as a Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks, but today she has become one of the leading defenders of liberty and conservative principles on Capitol Hill.” You had us at “Christian mom,” Zahn! But anyway, when will she be president? MORE »

Michele Bachmann has sent out a comical fundraising letter to her violent dingbat fappery of a constituency titled, “Don’t let them Palinize me!” She claims that, “With Governor Palin taking a well-deserved step out of the spotlight, it appears that I may be absorbing even more of the liberals’ scorn.” So give her more money to… not absorb that scorn! But hey wait a minute, what exactly does “Palinize” mean? Michele Bachmann actually cites an Urban Dictionary definition at the end of her letter — but she doesn’t cite all of the Urban Dictionary definitions. MORE »

Ancient mysterious woodland elf Elwyn Tinklenberg, Jesus-envoy to Minnesota’s freshwater meth hellscape, has dropped his latest (third?) bid to kill Michele Bachmann, politically, in 2010. He enjoyed a few days as America’s #1 guy in 2008 when it looked like he could’ve picked off Bachmann in the eleventh hour after she went nuts, as usual, but in an instance when people were actually paying attention. But fear not, liberal sallies! The chivalrous Elwyn quitteth only to avoid an ugly primary fight with a certain Tarryl Clark, who is… let’s see here… oooooh, a lady-person. Hello miss lady who could easily be Michele Bachmann’s younger sister! [TPM]

Amazing things have happened in the House this afternoon; go read all of what Sam Stein wrote, here, he’s good at these things. Briefly, though: Rep. Neil Abercrombie of Hawaii — former buddy of Barack Obama Senior! — introduced a resolution “Recognizing and celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the entry of Hawaii into the Union as the 50th State,” which now includes the line, “Whereas the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, was born in Hawaii…” SO WHAT’S IT GONNA BE, GOP congressmen with insane constituents?? Apparently they need some time to think about this standard symbolic resolution, because Michele Bachmann blocked the quick and easy passage of it on the floor this afternoon. Why would she do that? [Huffington Post]

• Joe the Plumber was the keynote speaker at the Houston Teabag Fiesta. And here’s a fun video of him autographing female breasts with a sharpie while talking about those “damn illegals.”
  [Think Progress]
• RedState intern Michele Bachmann writes about Dealergate, and some sort of Executive Order she is cosponsoring that will outlaw the census. [RedState]
• Matt Taibbi wrote a scathing customer review about Goldman Sachs in Rolling Stone, which you should definitely check out. And now Goldman is in a bit of a PR nightmare but no sweat, they still have all of our money. [Matt Taibbi]
• Andrew Sullivan is still groovin’ out to the eight tabs of LSD he ate on Saturday. The only question that remains: is he listening to Surrealistic Pillow or Volunteers? Curious minds want to know. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Have you heard the one where Harry Reid, Al Franken and a rabbi walk into a bar? [The Caucus]