Tag Archives: michele bachmann

  Great Female Women And Ladies

Michele Bachmann Thanks Phyllis Schlafly For Ending The Cold War

Insert Pink Floyd joke here
Michele Bachmann just wanted to let you all know that not only is she an American hero, she also has an American hero: anti-feminist and riot-starter Phyllis Schlafly, whom Bachmann describes in an interview with wingnut paranoia clearinghouse WND as “the most consequential female woman in public policy in the last 50 years of the 20th Century.” And why is she such a consequential female woman? Well how does being personally responsible for the end of the Cold War grab you? Read more on Michele Bachmann Thanks Phyllis Schlafly For Ending The Cold War…
  It Gets Stupider

Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway

Actual result of anti-bullying laws
Here’s a very nice thing that grew out of a very ugly thing, and a very ugly thing in reaction to it: Minnesota’s got a new “Safe and Supportive Schools Act” aimed at combatting bullying and making schools safe and supportive, don’t you know, for LGBT young people. It was passed earlier this year as part of a settlement in a civil-rights lawsuit, and following a string of suicides in the Anoka-Hennepin school district. And of course, now that the law is being implemented, a bunch of wingnuts are fighting to reverse it, because it is Gay Indoctrination that is oppressive to decent Christians who hate gays, with all the Christian love in their mean, pinched hearts. And that is why on Saturday, the “Minnesota Child Protection League” is having a big fundraising dinner headlined by two of America’s premier advocates of gay panic, Matt Barber and all-around Loon Queen Michele Bachmann. Read more on Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway…
  She knows some things about The Islam

Michele Bachmann Would Like Obama To Stop Shoving Religion Down America’s Throat

The president sure has choot-spa
It is such a tragedy that Rep. Michele Bachmann will soon be retired from Congress and no longer around to edutain all of us, especially President Obama, who doesn’t know anything about anything on all of the world’s religions. Unlike Michele, who is A Expert. And not just on her own religion, which requires her to do whatever Marcus tells her to do because the Bible says he is the boss of her, or even just on Judeo-Christianity, which is basically the same thing plus Israel, and requires that all Jews hate Obama because that’s in the Bible too. Michele also knows about The Islam, which the president does not understand at all, even though his administration is crawling with secret Muslim terrorists, so he should know better. Still, because Obama is not as smart as Bachmann, she has helpfully splained it for him because he is so wrong about everything: Read more on Michele Bachmann Would Like Obama To Stop Shoving Religion Down America’s Throat…
  Shell Shocker

Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Manager Quits To Spend More Time With His (Alleged) Bribe Money

Oh this guy, what a joker
Looks like Senate Minority Leader and Supreme Chelonian Overlord Mitch McConnell is going to have to find himself a new campaign manager after the sudden resignation of Jesse Benton, who will now have more time to hold his nose and wait for Rand Paul to snap him up for 2016. It might be a long wait, what with the guilty plea last week by Ken Sorenson, a former Iowa state senator who admitted taking bribes to switch his endorsement from Michele Bachmann to Ron Paul shortly before the Iowa caucuses in 2012. What the what? How is bribery in the Iowa caucuses two years ago connected to Yertle’s Senate hopes? Let us connect ye olde dots for you! Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Manager Quits To Spend More Time With His (Alleged) Bribe Money…
  On the count of three everyone panic

Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail

Nothing to fear except EVERYTHING
File this under No One Could Have Predicted: While members of Congress are on summer vacation, holding town halls so they can pretend to give a damn about what their constituents have to say, it seems some of those constituents are a tad miffed about this whole BORDER CRISIS!!!!! situation and what exactly Congress plans to do about that. Read more on Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat, Sorry ‘Bout That Nazi Pasta, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Who needs more coffee? And donuts? You, you over there, you were supposed to bring the donuts. BREAKING!!! Stop the presses (or the pixels, whatever): Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty. Now you know. Read more on Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat, Sorry ‘Bout That Nazi Pasta, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Stop making us talk about it some more

Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself

RINO
We have some BREAKING NEWS to report on the developing story of the vast left-wing conspiracy “scam” to force Republicans to talk about impeaching President Obama even though they do NOT want to talk about that at all, no sir. Seriously, they don’t want to talk about it. They really don’t want to talk about it. Truly, you cannot find a single Republican who wants to talk about impeaching the president. And yet, when asked on Monday whether Mike Huckabee, who supposedly is a Republican, believes the president is “worthy of impeachment,” the Huck did not say, “Don’t be ridiculous, that’s absurd, come ON, man.” Which is what you’d think a so-called Republican would say when asked about impeaching the president, since NO Republicans actually want to impeach the president, wink wink nudge nudge say no more. But, strangely, the Huck did not say that. Instead: Read more on Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself…
  Bondage and Dummy Nation

Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama

The safeword is
The House passed both of its super-tough immigration bills last night, so they can now go home to their constituents and brag about how they stuck it to those scary diseased border-crossing children. And along the way, Michele Bachmann was so excited about the prospect that she dabbled in a bit of rhetorical excess. Yes, we know you are astonished. Read more on Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama…
  #MadAboutAThing

Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments

It’s going to be a sad day in America when we don’t have Rep. Michele Bachmann to make us die of laughter anymore because she is retiring from Congress to spend more time standing up for oppressed heterosexuals, defending herself against those pesky ethics violations charges, and helping her faaaaaabulous husband pick out “doggie sunglasses” for their dog Boomer, which, let’s face it, is probably some kind of TMI not-safe-for-work euphemism we should all just try to forget. Unless, of course, she can persuade some Republicans to beg her to run for president in 2016, and yes please, pretty please, because we all had such a good time when she ran in 2012 and “didn’t get anything wrong,” other than all the stuff she did get wrong, which is exactly why we Team Blue types should be #ReadyAsFuckForMichele, awwwww yeah. Read more on Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments…
  House Of the Rising Dumb

Newest Version Of GOP Immigration Harsher But Still Doesn’t Deport Obama, Passage Iffy

Caillou never gets in trouble like this.
House Republicans have ironed out an immigration bill that just might be cruel enough to appease the Tea Party, which is all that matters, because it would give House members the ability to go home on vacation and say that they at least voted to solve the border mess. It doesn’t mean that anything will actually be solved if it does pass today, since in adding more Mean to make the bill palatable to wingnuts, the House has made the thing utterly toxic to the Senate. But the main thing is that the House will (maybe) be able to say it Did Something, so shut up, Obama. Read more on Newest Version Of GOP Immigration Harsher But Still Doesn’t Deport Obama, Passage Iffy…
  his time to shine

Marcus Bachmann Rears Head To Remind Us He Exists, Still Wants To Shame Gays

We know, we know. You’re chock full of Michele Bachmann derp. Couldn’t eat another bite, really. But have you noshed on any nonsense from Marcus Bachmann lately? Yes, the gentler more feminine half of the Bachmann marriage gets overshadowed by his crazy-eyed wife so often, but sometimes he needs to step forth into the spotlight and burst into flame, or song, or both. Read more on Marcus Bachmann Rears Head To Remind Us He Exists, Still Wants To Shame Gays…
  Speaking of Boobs

Michele Bachmann Said One Stupid Thing, Didn’t Say Other Stupid Thing

When in doubt, use this picture
Here’s your Michele Bachmann CrazyTrain update: Yes, she really did say that Teh Gheys want to abolish age-of-consent laws so they can rape children without consequences, but no, she did not say that the USA needs to open “Americanization camps” to make immigrant children work while they learn English. The former story was widely reported because it’s yet another example of Michele Bachmann saying unhinged freaky shit, and the latter story was also widely reported because, although it was originally from the lame fake-news site that wasn’t even The Onion, it sounded enough like another example of Michele Bachmann saying unhinged freaky shit. Read more on Michele Bachmann Said One Stupid Thing, Didn’t Say Other Stupid Thing…
  don't you forget about me

Michele Bachmann Demands To Know Why You Aren’t Begging To Know Her 2016 Plans

She may run for president. Or she take up llama waltzing.
Look, would all you lamepants lamers in the lamestream media just stop obsessing about that dumb plane with the Dutchmen on it, and those dumb brown children, and pay attention to something important, like whether Michele Bachmann will run for president again on her popular “What About Me?” platform. Real Clear Politics actually asked old Crazy Eyes whether she planned another run, which she took as a signal to whine about how no one is talking about her possible presidential aspirations: “The only thing that the media has speculated on is that it’s going to be various men that are running … They haven’t speculated, for instance, that I’m going to run. What if I decide to run? And there’s a chance I could run.” Yeah, guys. She really might run. She’s not saying she’s gonna run for sure, but she might. Really. A run for president. By 2012 Presidential Candidate Michele Bachman. Who ran for president once, and may again. Why aren’t people talking about that, huh? It’s because you all hate conservative women, you haters. Read more on Michele Bachmann Demands To Know Why You Aren’t Begging To Know Her 2016 Plans…
  knew you were waiting

America Can Breathe Easy Now That Michele Bachmann Has Weighed In On The Border Crisis

As much as what they are saying is idiotic, we can sort of understand why politicians that reside near the southern border of these here United States would like to weigh in and talk tough about porous borders and illeaglle children and brown hordes or whatever. But asking Michele Bachmann, a person who is quitting Congress in a few scant months, about her feels on the matter is just nonsensical, given that Michele’s frozen hellhole of a state could not be farther from the border. Or at least the southern one. But nonsensical is the unnecessarily resurrected Crossfire’s stock in trade, so they dragged Old Crazy Eyes onscreen to fight with Van Jones. Nobody won, America lost, you get the picture. Read more on America Can Breathe Easy Now That Michele Bachmann Has Weighed In On The Border Crisis…
  something awful

Minnesota House Candidate Definitely Does Not Know How Babby Is Formed

On the one hand, we’re dreading the next four months because we’re headed into peak silly season for state and national elections and there will be so very much dumb politicking rammed down our throats. On the other hand, we write a political humor mommyblog warblog, and ridiculous things done by ridiculous political people is sort of our bread and butter. So, we’re grateful, sort of, for Minnesota House of Representatives candidate Bob Frey, who has some very interesting, and very confused, ideas about how babies are made and also too about AIDS. SPOILER ALERT: He’s pretty sure it is all about enzymes somehow. Read more on Minnesota House Candidate Definitely Does Not Know How Babby Is Formed…
  dazed and confused

Fox News Was Sane On Two Occasions Yesterday And We Don’t Know How To Feel About It

We’re not sure how we feel about the fact that Fox News had not one, but two, segments yesterday in which their hosts excoriated some of the derpier parts of the right wing. On the one hand, hahahahaha. On the other hand, agreeing with Fox News about things makes us feel icky. Not icky enough that we’re going to skip putting both these clips on full blast, though. Read more on Fox News Was Sane On Two Occasions Yesterday And We Don’t Know How To Feel About It…
  the art of fisticuffs

Former Bachmann Aide Has Satisfying New Career Losing Campaigns, Slapping People

Among the joys of local politics are the “characters” and “loveable bums” that the local press get to know over the years. We were delighted to learn of one such congenial fellow from Minneapolis’s City Pages today: Former Michele Bachmann chief of staff Andy Parrish, who in the past has fought for Traditional Marriage and also been photographed at a hot-oil bikini wrasslin’ match, though not, apparently, as a competitor. We guess we miss out on a lot in exchange for not having PolarDeepFreezeSnowPocalypse winters! Mr. Parrish’s most recent exploits were at the MNGOP Convention over the weekend, where after the candidate whose campaign Mr. Parrish managed failed to win the nomination to run for U.S. Senate against Al Franken, Parrish got all in the grill of a supporter of another candidate, calling him “cream puff” and then slapping him in the face a few times for good measure. It’s not exactly Preston Brooks whomping Charles Sumner with a cane on the floor of the U.S. Senate, but for our fallen modern age, it’s pretty good theater, and a useful corrective to the propaganda warblings of that Keillor fellow. Read more on Former Bachmann Aide Has Satisfying New Career Losing Campaigns, Slapping People…
  martha stewart weeps

Michele Bachmann Shows Off Her Mad Domestic Goddess Skills For Lonely Shut-Ins Who Watch Daytime TV

Rep. Michele Bachmann has been quiet lately. Too quiet. So yr Wonkette decided to log on to the Google machine and find out how old Shelly is spending her remaining months as an actual elected official of what was once considered a great democracy. Turns out, she hasn’t been doing much. Condemning the proposed National Women’s History Museum for celebrating “radical feminism,” arguing with Debbie Wasserman Schultz like girlfriends do…Oh, and winging out to godless Hollywood to show off her napkin-folding and pancake-making skills on “Home & Garden” on the Hallmark Channel. Read more on Michele Bachmann Shows Off Her Mad Domestic Goddess Skills For Lonely Shut-Ins Who Watch Daytime TV…
  Onward Christian Soldier

Hero Minister Wants Christians To Get Spiritually ‘Violent,’ Because It’s Working So Well In Nigeria

Remember John Hagee, John McCain’s favorite Bible-humping lunatic pastor who, like any good Christian, believes the Catholic Church is the “great whore” and Hitler was God’s personal hunter, sent to Earth to kill all the Jews except for maybe five, who were then chased to Israel so they could bring about the Christpocalypse? Of course you do! As if all of that weren’t bad enough, worst of all, he is pals with Joe Lieberman. Anyhoo, John begat a son named Matthew, and Matthew-Son-of-John seems to take after his dad in that he is a) nuts, b) very confused about Jesus, and c) super fucking nuts. On yesterday’s “Hagee Hotline,” Matthew Hagee called on conservative Christians to become more “spiritually violent” in fighting against things like gay marriage and abortion because secularists who support such things have “become violent with people of faith.” Read more on Hero Minister Wants Christians To Get Spiritually ‘Violent,’ Because It’s Working So Well In Nigeria…
  can't women just follow their husbands at the men's museum?

Michele Bachmann Wants To Abort National Women’s Museum

Michele Bachmann took a courageous stand today against authorizing a National Women’s History Museum that’s proposed for the National Mall. We know the gals like shopping, but instead of the Mall, wouldn’t a better place be the National Kitchen? We’re just glad there’s a woman willing to stand up and say no to women’s history, because it’s not really women’s history, it’s feminist history, and feminists are not ladies. Also, we will say “make me a sammich” right here in hopes it will reduce the number of times that phrase shows up in the comments. Read more on Michele Bachmann Wants To Abort National Women’s Museum…
  ladies against women

Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?

Is it 2016 yet? Have we inaugurated Hillary Clinton already? CNN BREAKING NEWS: No, it is only 2014. Yet rumors persist about who is and is not running for President to replace Our Dreamy Guiding Star of Socialist Hippie Liberalism Barack HU-SANE Obama. It looks like we may have another contender, and she is a vagina-American, per The Leaf Chronicle: A report over the weekend that Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn might launch a 2016 Republican presidential bid spurred a non-denial denial from her campaign staff. Non-denial denial! Does it get any denialier? And ladies, she is running on the platform, quoted by Huffington Post, “It is Republicans that have led the fight for women’s equality.” Move over Michele Bachmann, and step aside Sarah Palin: the GOP has a new woman to steal headlines and be batshit crazy. Let’s non-denialsplore.  Read more on Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn Denies White House Bid, Maybe, Probably, Who Even Knows?…
  let the eagle soar

13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert

CBS has announced that Stephen Colbert will replace David Letterman on “The Late Show,” leaving one really important question unanswered: if Stephen Colbert becomes David Letterman, who then will be Stephen Colbert? Never fear. We’ve compiled an incisive and trenchant and helpful list of 13 People Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert. Read more on 13 Brave Americans Who Should Be Your New Stephen Colbert…