Tag Archives: michele bachmann

  he looks good with a beard! no an actual beard

Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk

We will always love you, The Bachmanns
via Michele Bachmann’s Facebook page Man, we are really going to miss Rep. Michele Bachmann. And not just because of her fabulous fashion sense and even more fabulous husband sense, or her riveting speeches on how much she loves God and freedom, but also because of sparkly rhinestones like this. Read more on Jerk Obama Laughed At Michele Bachmann’s Great Idea To Bomb Iran, What A Jerk…
  Also Did We Mention God? She's Big On God

In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God

Here's the story, of a crazy lady, who was talking to a devil to her right ...
Michele Bachmann gave her farewell address to the House of Representatives Tuesday, and while we were worried that she might just stand up and announce that all her email should be forwarded to Shelly@CrazyEyes.com, she actually did deliver a thoroughly Bachmannian speech. It hits all the required notes: Freedom, In God We Trust, Why the House is the Best House, plus several extra helpings of God stuff just to be sure. Read more on In Surprising Farewell Address, Michele Bachmann Admits Liking Freedom, God…
  Listen to the man with an onion around his belt

John McCain Snarls At Young GOP Punks To Get Off His Lawn

Ugh, kids these days
Sure, you might think the whole Republican Party has gone round the bend and off the deep end about President Obama’s decision to destroy America (again!) with his unprecedented executive action on immigration. But no, that is A Illusion because a few young congressional newbies are making it look that way. So sayeth Sen. John Bitterpants McCain, always the voice of reason and rationality (unless there is a slight problem with The Economy, in which case drop everything and proceed immediately to crapping in your Depends, or unless someone somewhere isn’t currently being bombed). Read more on John McCain Snarls At Young GOP Punks To Get Off His Lawn…
  Countdown To Imspeechment

A Children’s Treasury Of Preemptive Hissy Fits On Obama’s Immigration Speech

Real wrath of God type stuff
We hear that the president’s giving a speech tonight — not that the broadcast teevee networks will bother carrying it — and while the full details of the executive action aren’t out yet, Republicans know it’s pretty bad. Here are just a few of the Psychic Predictions of disaster they’re floating: Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Preemptive Hissy Fits On Obama’s Immigration Speech…
  national treasures

God Closes Michele Bachmann Door, Opens Joni Ernst Window

She hearts you 'Merica
Today, in the gloom of the morning after, we must come together to give thanks to our assorted heathen gods for Joni Ernst, Jester-Elect of the United States Senate. Joni Ernst is an anchor for us to cling to in the midst of a turbulent midterm election that saw our electoral expectations decimated all across the country. Kansans, the majority of whom had been demonstrably screwed by Sam Brownback’s interpretive dance of conservative budgeting, at first seemed to poised to sensibly fire him but then rewarded him with another term in office. Massachusetts, having apparently forgotten the hideous ordeal of getting gay marriage and socialized health care under Mittens Romnington, decided to roll the dice with another Republican governor. Read more on God Closes Michele Bachmann Door, Opens Joni Ernst Window…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing

Ebony And Irony
Oh, golly, it’s time for another Derp Roundup, a chance for us to bring you some of the stories that were just too damned stupid to ignore altogether, but which didn’t quite merit a post of their own. You may want a good stiff serving of the reality-amending chemical compounds of your choice before you expose yourself to this stuff. Read more on Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing…
  Two Days At The Values Voter Summit

Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again.

The Values Voter Summit happens every fall at the Omni Shoreham Hotel, the premier venue for conservative conventions in Washington, DC. (For those of you keeping score, it goes Omni, Grand Hyatt, Mayflower. We do not attend conventions at sub-Mayflower hotels.) Read more on Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again….
  so long farewell

A Children’s Treasury Of ‘Normal Real Person’ Michele Bachmann

She's real something all right
Photo by Beth Ethier While watching soon-to-be-former-Rep. Michele Bachmann tell the Values Voter Summit Friday morning that she is a “normal real person,” the sense of just how great a source of comedy we are losing with her upcoming retirement really hit home. Is there even a reason for Wonkette to go on existing once old Crazy Eyes walks off the House floor for the final time and flies back to a life of hot dish suppers and plagues of foster children? We’re going to mention this to the Editrix if she ever surfaces from her long sex tour of the West Coast. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of ‘Normal Real Person’ Michele Bachmann…
  Whine and Jesus Party

It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again

nice ride
Outside the Values Voter Summit 2014/Photo by Beth Ethier It’s time for all the wingnuttiest Christianist wingnuts who will never be president to gather once again in D.C. to Biblesplain how President Obama is THE WORST, liberals have killed Jesus (again!), and it’s hard out there in these American United States of Real America for an outraged white dude. Read more on It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again…
  Great Female Women And Ladies

Michele Bachmann Thanks Phyllis Schlafly For Ending The Cold War

Insert Pink Floyd joke here
Michele Bachmann just wanted to let you all know that not only is she an American hero, she also has an American hero: anti-feminist and riot-starter Phyllis Schlafly, whom Bachmann describes in an interview with wingnut paranoia clearinghouse WND as “the most consequential female woman in public policy in the last 50 years of the 20th Century.” And why is she such a consequential female woman? Well how does being personally responsible for the end of the Cold War grab you? Read more on Michele Bachmann Thanks Phyllis Schlafly For Ending The Cold War…
  It Gets Stupider

Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway

Actual result of anti-bullying laws
Here’s a very nice thing that grew out of a very ugly thing, and a very ugly thing in reaction to it: Minnesota’s got a new “Safe and Supportive Schools Act” aimed at combatting bullying and making schools safe and supportive, don’t you know, for LGBT young people. It was passed earlier this year as part of a settlement in a civil-rights lawsuit, and following a string of suicides in the Anoka-Hennepin school district. And of course, now that the law is being implemented, a bunch of wingnuts are fighting to reverse it, because it is Gay Indoctrination that is oppressive to decent Christians who hate gays, with all the Christian love in their mean, pinched hearts. And that is why on Saturday, the “Minnesota Child Protection League” is having a big fundraising dinner headlined by two of America’s premier advocates of gay panic, Matt Barber and all-around Loon Queen Michele Bachmann. Read more on Wingnuts Fight For Sacred Right To Keep Bullying Gays, Who Aren’t Real Anyway…
  She knows some things about The Islam

Michele Bachmann Would Like Obama To Stop Shoving Religion Down America’s Throat

The president sure has choot-spa
It is such a tragedy that Rep. Michele Bachmann will soon be retired from Congress and no longer around to edutain all of us, especially President Obama, who doesn’t know anything about anything on all of the world’s religions. Unlike Michele, who is A Expert. And not just on her own religion, which requires her to do whatever Marcus tells her to do because the Bible says he is the boss of her, or even just on Judeo-Christianity, which is basically the same thing plus Israel, and requires that all Jews hate Obama because that’s in the Bible too. Michele also knows about The Islam, which the president does not understand at all, even though his administration is crawling with secret Muslim terrorists, so he should know better. Still, because Obama is not as smart as Bachmann, she has helpfully splained it for him because he is so wrong about everything: Read more on Michele Bachmann Would Like Obama To Stop Shoving Religion Down America’s Throat…
  Shell Shocker

Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Manager Quits To Spend More Time With His (Alleged) Bribe Money

Oh this guy, what a joker
Looks like Senate Minority Leader and Supreme Chelonian Overlord Mitch McConnell is going to have to find himself a new campaign manager after the sudden resignation of Jesse Benton, who will now have more time to hold his nose and wait for Rand Paul to snap him up for 2016. It might be a long wait, what with the guilty plea last week by Ken Sorenson, a former Iowa state senator who admitted taking bribes to switch his endorsement from Michele Bachmann to Ron Paul shortly before the Iowa caucuses in 2012. What the what? How is bribery in the Iowa caucuses two years ago connected to Yertle’s Senate hopes? Let us connect ye olde dots for you! Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Campaign Manager Quits To Spend More Time With His (Alleged) Bribe Money…
  On the count of three everyone panic

Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail

Nothing to fear except EVERYTHING
File this under No One Could Have Predicted: While members of Congress are on summer vacation, holding town halls so they can pretend to give a damn about what their constituents have to say, it seems some of those constituents are a tad miffed about this whole BORDER CRISIS!!!!! situation and what exactly Congress plans to do about that. Read more on Oh Good, Now All The People Want To Put The Tiny Brown Babies In Baby Jail…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat, Sorry ‘Bout That Nazi Pasta, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Who needs more coffee? And donuts? You, you over there, you were supposed to bring the donuts. BREAKING!!! Stop the presses (or the pixels, whatever): Hello Kitty is not a cat. She’s a cartoon character. She is a little girl. She is a friend. But she is not a cat. She’s never depicted on all fours. She walks and sits like a two-legged creature. She does have a pet cat of her own, however, and it’s called Charmmy Kitty. Now you know. Read more on Hello Kitty Is Not A Cat, Sorry ‘Bout That Nazi Pasta, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Stop making us talk about it some more

Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself

RINO
We have some BREAKING NEWS to report on the developing story of the vast left-wing conspiracy “scam” to force Republicans to talk about impeaching President Obama even though they do NOT want to talk about that at all, no sir. Seriously, they don’t want to talk about it. They really don’t want to talk about it. Truly, you cannot find a single Republican who wants to talk about impeaching the president. And yet, when asked on Monday whether Mike Huckabee, who supposedly is a Republican, believes the president is “worthy of impeachment,” the Huck did not say, “Don’t be ridiculous, that’s absurd, come ON, man.” Which is what you’d think a so-called Republican would say when asked about impeaching the president, since NO Republicans actually want to impeach the president, wink wink nudge nudge say no more. But, strangely, the Huck did not say that. Instead: Read more on Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself…
  Bondage and Dummy Nation

Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama

The safeword is
The House passed both of its super-tough immigration bills last night, so they can now go home to their constituents and brag about how they stuck it to those scary diseased border-crossing children. And along the way, Michele Bachmann was so excited about the prospect that she dabbled in a bit of rhetorical excess. Yes, we know you are astonished. Read more on Michele Bachmann Has Sick Bondage Fantasies About Obama…
  #MadAboutAThing

Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments

It’s going to be a sad day in America when we don’t have Rep. Michele Bachmann to make us die of laughter anymore because she is retiring from Congress to spend more time standing up for oppressed heterosexuals, defending herself against those pesky ethics violations charges, and helping her faaaaaabulous husband pick out “doggie sunglasses” for their dog Boomer, which, let’s face it, is probably some kind of TMI not-safe-for-work euphemism we should all just try to forget. Unless, of course, she can persuade some Republicans to beg her to run for president in 2016, and yes please, pretty please, because we all had such a good time when she ran in 2012 and “didn’t get anything wrong,” other than all the stuff she did get wrong, which is exactly why we Team Blue types should be #ReadyAsFuckForMichele, awwwww yeah. Read more on Michele Bachmann Will Protect Evil Brown Children From Barack Mengele’s Secret Medical Experiments…
  House Of the Rising Dumb

Newest Version Of GOP Immigration Harsher But Still Doesn’t Deport Obama, Passage Iffy

Caillou never gets in trouble like this.
House Republicans have ironed out an immigration bill that just might be cruel enough to appease the Tea Party, which is all that matters, because it would give House members the ability to go home on vacation and say that they at least voted to solve the border mess. It doesn’t mean that anything will actually be solved if it does pass today, since in adding more Mean to make the bill palatable to wingnuts, the House has made the thing utterly toxic to the Senate. But the main thing is that the House will (maybe) be able to say it Did Something, so shut up, Obama. Read more on Newest Version Of GOP Immigration Harsher But Still Doesn’t Deport Obama, Passage Iffy…
  his time to shine

Marcus Bachmann Rears Head To Remind Us He Exists, Still Wants To Shame Gays

We know, we know. You’re chock full of Michele Bachmann derp. Couldn’t eat another bite, really. But have you noshed on any nonsense from Marcus Bachmann lately? Yes, the gentler more feminine half of the Bachmann marriage gets overshadowed by his crazy-eyed wife so often, but sometimes he needs to step forth into the spotlight and burst into flame, or song, or both. Read more on Marcus Bachmann Rears Head To Remind Us He Exists, Still Wants To Shame Gays…
  Speaking of Boobs

Michele Bachmann Said One Stupid Thing, Didn’t Say Other Stupid Thing

When in doubt, use this picture
Here’s your Michele Bachmann CrazyTrain update: Yes, she really did say that Teh Gheys want to abolish age-of-consent laws so they can rape children without consequences, but no, she did not say that the USA needs to open “Americanization camps” to make immigrant children work while they learn English. The former story was widely reported because it’s yet another example of Michele Bachmann saying unhinged freaky shit, and the latter story was also widely reported because, although it was originally from the lame fake-news site that wasn’t even The Onion, it sounded enough like another example of Michele Bachmann saying unhinged freaky shit. Read more on Michele Bachmann Said One Stupid Thing, Didn’t Say Other Stupid Thing…
  don't you forget about me

Michele Bachmann Demands To Know Why You Aren’t Begging To Know Her 2016 Plans

She may run for president. Or she take up llama waltzing.
Look, would all you lamepants lamers in the lamestream media just stop obsessing about that dumb plane with the Dutchmen on it, and those dumb brown children, and pay attention to something important, like whether Michele Bachmann will run for president again on her popular “What About Me?” platform. Real Clear Politics actually asked old Crazy Eyes whether she planned another run, which she took as a signal to whine about how no one is talking about her possible presidential aspirations: “The only thing that the media has speculated on is that it’s going to be various men that are running … They haven’t speculated, for instance, that I’m going to run. What if I decide to run? And there’s a chance I could run.” Yeah, guys. She really might run. She’s not saying she’s gonna run for sure, but she might. Really. A run for president. By 2012 Presidential Candidate Michele Bachman. Who ran for president once, and may again. Why aren’t people talking about that, huh? It’s because you all hate conservative women, you haters. Read more on Michele Bachmann Demands To Know Why You Aren’t Begging To Know Her 2016 Plans…