Tag Archives: michael chertoff

  endangered spank banks

New TSA Scanner Makes Airport Security Far Less Sexy

Everybody’s favorite airport moment is when you get to play “TSA coed strip poker webcam,” amiright? First the shoes and belts come off. Then you must unzip your computer bag and place your bulging hard-drive on the conveyor belt (sex escalator). After this, you get to pose naked for the fat guy sitting behind the nudie scanner, or you can opt for the very heavy petting — and there’s usually an Isaac Hayes love ballad playing softly on the PA system, to set the mood. But these days of sexytime airport pleasure are quickly coming to an end. Apparently some of you prudes don’t like it when strangers inspect digital photographs of your nether regions and boobs? That’s alright. Michael Chertoff can still make lots of money installing unnecessary radioactive scanner things in every major airport. He doesn’t need to see your private parts, per se. Read more on New TSA Scanner Makes Airport Security Far Less Sexy…
  he pays brown people to clean his toilets

Michael Chertoff Latest Innocent Victim Of Nation’s Unfair Immigration Enforcement Laws

Ha ha, it’s funny because the mutant overlord Michael Chertoff is the Secretary of Homeland Security, which includes Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and unbeknownst to him some ILLEGAL ALIENS snuck in and cleaned his house! Have you ever heard of such an outrageous thing in your life, that illegal immigrants might work for large housecleaning services? Read more on Michael Chertoff Latest Innocent Victim Of Nation’s Unfair Immigration Enforcement Laws…
 

Divine Overlord Michael Chertoff Stares Down Michael Chertoff

Homeland Security Secretary-demon Michael Chertoff is announcing a new spy program while an enlarged demon THAT IS ALSO MICHAEL CHERTOFF is spying on him. Which demon version of Michael Chertoff is spying on you?? [Washington Post] Read more on Divine Overlord Michael Chertoff Stares Down Michael Chertoff…
 

Skeletor Rides Again

A couple of years back, Congress passed the Real ID act, which was intended to assert a level on control over and provide a level of conformity to states’ drivers licenses. The states, unsurprisingly, weren’t necessarily big fans and 17 of them passed laws saying they wouldn’t comply. Homeland Security Secretary Skeletor had an answer to those rebellious states: take a loyalty oath, or we’re not letting your citizens on planes or in federal buildings come May. Read more on Skeletor Rides Again…
 

Secret Service May Shoot Clintons in the Foot

Here’s something awkward: guess who has detailed knowledge of anything and everything the Clintons have done, including where they have been and who they have met with 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for the past 15 years? The one, the only Michael Chertoff! Not to worry though. It’s not like he played any kind of prosecutorial role in the Whitewater investigations or anything. Read more on Secret Service May Shoot Clintons in the Foot…
 

Meet Your New Least Favorite Blogger

Michael Chertoff may be busy running the single most inept and frustrating department in an administration with some stiff fucking competition (and looking like Skeletor) but he still finds time to BLOG, helping his standings in the running for single worst douchebag still in the cabinet. What’s he blogging about? 9/11 of course! It seems that some people have FORGOTTEN about 9/11. Not Mike, obv, but 9/11 might be “fading” for some people (not naming any names!) (ok fine some names: Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore) (both of whom are so, so fat). Oh, also, it’s called his “Leadership Journal.” Such a douche. Here is a quote from his journal: Read more on Meet Your New Least Favorite Blogger…
 

“Chertoff: We’re Preparing for Nuclear Attack.” [NewsMax]
 

George W. Bush Wishes New Orleans a Very Happy Katrina Birthday

You’d never guess our little Katrina is two years old today. Why? Because it looks like that hurricane and terrible flooding happened just days ago! Who would think a major American city would still be in ruins two fucking years after it was deluged and half-abandoned? Read more on George W. Bush Wishes New Orleans a Very Happy Katrina Birthday…
 

If the Ghoul becomes Attorney General, a professional lackey who keeps a George W. Bush doll on his desk will be rewarded with the DHS job. [Think Progress]
 

Despised, Incompetent Ghoul Is Top Pick For Attorney General

A widely hated cretin is the White House’s top choice for attorney general, experts said today. Michael Chertoff is known for his bizarre threats against America and his tenure at the biggest fucking joke agency in American history, the “department of homeland security.” Despised by Republicans, Democrats and actual humans, Chertoff is just the kind of loathsome creep the Bush Administration is likely to choose to be AG for a few weeks until the whole gang is rounded up and sent to Gitmo. Read more on Despised, Incompetent Ghoul Is Top Pick For Attorney General…
 

Chertoff’s Sphincter Tells Chertoff’s Gut To Calm Down

Gruesome biological freak and Minister of Fear Mongering Michael Chertoff has a new message today that contradicts his earlier message this week, about The Terror coming to kill us all because Terror, like the Beach Boys, loves summertime. Read more on Chertoff’s Sphincter Tells Chertoff’s Gut To Calm Down…
 

Al-Qaeda personally calls Brian Ross on his prop phone to confirm reports from Mike Chertoff’s gut. [The Blotter]
 

Gossip Roundup: Baby Mo Problems

* Heard on the Hill: “On Friday afternoon, Capitol Police put out an all-points bulletin indicating that ‘multiple individuals were harassing or being too forward with Sen. [Barack] Obama (D-Ill.)’ inside the Hart Senate Office Building.” … The first 100 hours were neither first nor 100 hours… Senate still lazy, not working 5 day weeks. [Roll Call] * Reliable Source: Famous women who’ve done famous things are approvingly listed and described. [WP] * Yeas and Nays: FDR’s car auctioned, fetches less than a NAZI CAR… Moby was here. He dislikes DC, which should cheer up Washingtonians. Also, Alexandra Pelosi calls him “Baby Mo.” [Examiner] * Washington Whispers: New DCCC head is trying to be BFF with DNC head Howard Dean… Michael Chertoff picked Beta over VHS. [USN&WR] Read more on Gossip Roundup: Baby Mo Problems…
 

Chertoff-ful: “Horriffic Irony” Horrifies Award Namesake’s Grandson

Al Kamen reported yesterday that Homeland Security head Michael Chertoff is the proud recipient of this year’s “prestigious Henry Petersen award.” The award is traditionally given to Department of Justice criminal division careerists who did their jobs well for a long time. Chertoff’s honor hasn’t garnered a lot of attention, but one guy who did notice was Miles W. Swanson, grandson of Henry Petersen himself. Swanson writes: Today with horror I read in the Washington Post that Michael Chertoff is receiving the Department of Justice Criminal Division’s Henry Petersen Award, the most prestigious award for the DoJ’s Criminal Division. Besides being my grandfather, Henry Petersen was the Assistant Attorney General in charge of the Criminal Division, chief prosecutor for Watergate, and career employee at the DOJ. What makes this situation so horrible, besides the fact that Mr. Chertoff is a political appointee, an ass, not a career employee at the DOJ, and probably the exact opposite of my grandfather: I moved to New Orleans from D.C. a couple months after Katrina to do volunteer legal work. I staff a free legal clinic in the 9th Ward with the Common Ground Legal Collective as well as several bankruptcy/debtor relief clinics in and around New Orleans as part of The Pro Bono Project. As you can imagine, I deal with Mr. Chertoff’s mess on a daily basis. Normally, I go out to lunch with all the heads and award recipient and to the award ceremony (being held tomorrow [today -ed] at the DOJ) every year with my grandmother and mother to present the award. It’s probably best that I don’t go as they would have a tough time holding me back. After the jump, Mr. Swanson’s letters to Mr. Chertoff and Assistant Attorney General Alice Fisher. Read more on Chertoff-ful: “Horriffic Irony” Horrifies Award Namesake’s Grandson…
 

Al-Qaeda’s New Goal: Ruining Our Credit Score

Michael Chertoff rented this tux, because the terrorists wanted him to buy. (Photo by Liz Gorman) Congress and the American public must accept that the government cannot protect every possible target against attack if it wants to avoid fulfilling Al Qaeda’s goal of bankrupting the nation, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told a Senate committee Tuesday. Read more on Al-Qaeda’s New Goal: Ruining Our Credit Score…
 

Daily Briefing: That Little Boating State

Rhode Island’s 15 minutes of fame are up as maverick Senator Lincoln Chafee wins GOP primary. [WP, NYT, USAT] Michael Chertoff tells congress that the US cannot “defend ourselves against every conceivable threat.” Nation’s petting zoos and popcorn factories now totally unprotected. [NYT] Read more on Daily Briefing: That Little Boating State…
 

Wonk’d: A Supremely Bad Hair Day

Washington people just never quit working. Bill Kristol rises early to have breakfast with congressmen, Michael Chertoff spends Friday nights securing the homeland’s movie theaters, and Valerie Plame reads political non-fiction on street corners cause she can’t get enough. And kindly father Alito (at right — ain’t he loveable?) spends his weekends carting his daughter’s luggage all over 37th street. This plus philandering soccer players, jaywalking TV gangsters, and mustachioed wrestlers, after the jump! Read more on Wonk’d: A Supremely Bad Hair Day…
 

Remainders: Homeland Security Secretary Henry Rollins

Bill Bennett: separated at birth from another fat blowhard. [Brains Over Bombs] The Condi Rice issue of Playboy will finally reveal her turn-ons, including, “a hard throbbing insurgency.” [The Anacostia Diaries] Read more on Remainders: Homeland Security Secretary Henry Rollins…
 

Cheney Totally Doesn’t Get Condi ‘n’ Chertoff’s Inside Jokes

Vice President Dick Cheney, left, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, center, and Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff wait for the arrival of President Bush and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper in the East Room of the White House Thursday, July 6, 2006 in Washington. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak) Read more on Cheney Totally Doesn’t Get Condi ‘n’ Chertoff’s Inside Jokes…
 

Metro Section: We’re All Winners

* Newly crowned Miss Virginia lives in Arlington. Judges praised her “full set of teeth,” putting her far ahead of the other contestants. [Metroblogging DC] * The “Mike Chertoff Is Lying Out Of His Ass Drinking Game” is hard — even Rush Limbaugh can’t pound ‘em that fast. [DCeiver] Read more on Metro Section: We’re All Winners…