Ha ha, it’s funny because the mutant overlord Michael Chertoff is the Secretary of Homeland Security, which includes Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and unbeknownst to him some ILLEGAL ALIENS snuck in and cleaned his house! Have you ever heard of such an outrageous thing in your life, that illegal immigrants might work for large housecleaning services? MORE »

Homeland Security Secretary-demon Michael Chertoff is announcing a new spy program while an enlarged demon THAT IS ALSO MICHAEL CHERTOFF is spying on him. Which demon version of Michael Chertoff is spying on you?? [Washington Post]

A couple of years back, Congress passed the Real ID act, which was intended to assert a level on control over and provide a level of conformity to states’ drivers licenses. The states, unsurprisingly, weren’t necessarily big fans and 17 of them passed laws saying they wouldn’t comply. Homeland Security Secretary Skeletor had an answer to those rebellious states: take a loyalty oath, or we’re not letting your citizens on planes or in federal buildings come May.

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This week, Michael Chertoff, Dan Rather, Morgan Freeman, and James Carville were all spotted being various degrees of famous at various places by our spies and operatives. Voyeuristic fun, as always, is after the jump. MORE »

Here’s something awkward: guess who has detailed knowledge of anything and everything the Clintons have done, including where they have been and who they have met with 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for the past 15 years? The one, the only Michael Chertoff! Not to worry though. It’s not like he played any kind of prosecutorial role in the Whitewater investigations or anything. MORE »

Michael Chertoff may be busy running the single most inept and frustrating department in an administration with some stiff fucking competition (and looking like Skeletor) but he still finds time to BLOG, helping his standings in the running for single worst douchebag still in the cabinet. What’s he blogging about? 9/11 of course! It seems that some people have FORGOTTEN about 9/11. Not Mike, obv, but 9/11 might be “fading” for some people (not naming any names!) (ok fine some names: Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore) (both of whom are so, so fat). Oh, also, it’s called his “Leadership Journal.” Such a douche. Here is a quote from his journal: MORE »

“Chertoff: We’re Preparing for Nuclear Attack.” [NewsMax]

You’d never guess our little Katrina is two years old today. Why? Because it looks like that hurricane and terrible flooding happened just days ago! Who would think a major American city would still be in ruins two fucking years after it was deluged and half-abandoned? MORE »

If the Ghoul becomes Attorney General, a professional lackey who keeps a George W. Bush doll on his desk will be rewarded with the DHS job. [Think Progress]

A widely hated cretin is the White House’s top choice for attorney general, experts said today. Michael Chertoff is known for his bizarre threats against America and his tenure at the biggest fucking joke agency in American history, the “department of homeland security.” Despised by Republicans, Democrats and actual humans, Chertoff is just the kind of loathsome creep the Bush Administration is likely to choose to be AG for a few weeks until the whole gang is rounded up and sent to Gitmo. MORE »

Gruesome biological freak and Minister of Fear Mongering Michael Chertoff has a new message today that contradicts his earlier message this week, about The Terror coming to kill us all because Terror, like the Beach Boys, loves summertime. MORE »