BROWNIE EVACUATES DISASTER ZONE: Former FEMA head Michael Brown does one thing and does it well, and that’s getting himself as far as possible from natural disasters and straight to a safely distant Tex-Mex chain restaurant for appletinis and “bacon sliders.” Wildfires in Boulder? Michael Brown must be haulin’ ass. [Colorado Independent]

• America has the most guns per capita of anywhere, ever, including Yemen! Yemen. A full 89 out of 100 people own firearms. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Obama is going to revamp FEMA by hiring some Clinton staffer who already fixed the thing eight years ago and left just before Michael Brown destroyed both FEMA and New Orleans out of boredom. [Kevin Drum]
• If you haven’t seen this Sarah Palin comedy video already, it is funnier than the past three months of her idiocy because the garbled Alaskan catchphrases are the same, but there are no stakes whatsoever. So, sigh of relief, etc. [Crooks and Liars]
• California-based Internet start-up Google (Yahoo search it) is having layoffs too. [AMERICAblog]
• Laura Bush is working on a memoir! The sheer pornographic detail in this thing will be leagues ahead of those of Curtis Sittenfeld and probably on par with Meghan McCain’s Vietnamese bildungsroman. [HuffPost]

People of Southern California who are on fire: Have no fear, for disaster relief (in the form of a human disaster) is on the way! Former FEMA Director Michael “Heckuva Job” “Brownie” “Abortion of a Human” Brown, the guy who hosted a Hurricane Party with fresh margs for himself during Katrina, is hopping on a jet plane to SoCal and will fix you AND your forests. Shit, he might even bring a hose! See, he’s not so incompetent when it’s white people asking for disaster relief.

Brownie, You’ve Got a Heckuva Job [WSJ via Political Machine] MORE »

There are now two places on Earth where New Orleans isn’t a half-abandoned wasteland: Micheal “Brownie” Brown’s mind and Google Maps. MORE »

* Reliable Source: The Prince of Monaco is buying Warren G. Harding’s house, putting an embassy there… Rocky Mountain News Washington Correspondent wears Jack Abramoff’s suits to the White House Christmas Party. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Americans for Tax Reform send out Xmas card, include “nice” list to honor those who did the most to starve the government this year… Michael Brown raking in the dough on the speaking circuit… New restaurant to finally open at the location of Signatures. [Examiner]
* Fresh Intelligence: Chelsea Clinton has a few at NYC karaoke club, Tom Green is there for some reason. [Radar]

Brownie, Bush, and Mark Foley reenact their favorite scene from Reservoir Dogs. MORE »

* The sandstone walls at 1600 Pennsylvania are bursting with beauty. We decided to play the wicked stepmother and ask, “Who’s the fairest of them all?” There are fine choices, whether you prefer men or women. In the off chance that you prefer to pass judgment using more than a thumbnail photo, we’ve even provided testimonials: boys here and girls here. Polls close Monday morning at 10, and for God’s sake no cheating please. MORE »

Earlier today, we linked to the FEMA job application that misspelled “department.” We never meant to give that impression, but it may have read as if we were accusing Michael Brown of the typo in question. In fact, proving conclusively that FEMA’s institutional difficulties predated his tenure there, the misspelling was the responsibility of FEMA’s HR department. We received an email to that effect earlier today from Michael Brown himself, who says, “those commentators claiming that I can’t spell department should back off.” We can attest to his correct spelling in both that email and the follow-up. Brown: “And see, it does show that I can actually read!” MORE »

What to do when your FOIA request turns up boring documents? Seize on that most satisfying of criticisms, the typo. As Raw Story has done, delightfully, with Michael Brown’s application to work for FEMA. Below, a sample of Brown’s application (helpful proofreading marks provided by us at no additional cost):

And, hilariously, they did it again on the next page. Simple error? More likely: FEMA’s subconscious demonstration of resentment at losing its independence to a de[a]partment that, while a completely useless and nightmarish bureaucratic cesspool of money, you’d hope has a few secretaries on staff who can proofread these things. MORE »

We spent a bit of time trawling through Michael Brown’s email for that definitive piece of evidence that would exonerate him (it was the one-armed man who didn’t rescue those couple hundred black people, seriously!), but we never found anything this good.

CNN is hedging their bets re. its authenticity, but it supposedly comes from a “good friend” of Brown’s and the President’s (right, right). Assuming it’s real, we’d be happy to hear your guesses as to the sender’s identity. But that’s a pretty big assumption, considering that all we have to go on is a very clean-looking and conveniently redacted .pdf. Wait, look, we found another email!

It’s got a big Situation Room stamp on it! It has to be authentic! Wolf Blitzer’s personal seal of approval — look for it on all your sensitive and politically damning correspondence. MORE »

Worst part of this email: It’s always annoying when Americans adopt pretentious Britishisms. Also: we are extremely curious about the redacted portion. We’re guessing it says “Feel free to fuck up royally…”