Tag Archives: michael bloomberg

  Here's a fucked up thing

NRA Dude Identifies Real Charleston Shooter. Surprise, It Was The Black Pastor!

RIP
We have only begun to graze the tip of the iceberg when it comes to obscene, disgusting wingnut reactions to the Charleston mass murder that ended the lives of 9 black churchgoers, aged from 26 to 87, on Wednesday night. So we guess it’s time for NRA people to start saying words, and surprise, they are not good words. Charles Cotton is a member of the NRA’s board, and he knows who killed those people. No, not Dylann Storm Roof, the alleged gunman who has since confessed, silly! It was Rev. Clementa Pinckney, state senator and pastor at Emanuel AME Church, according to Cotton. How did Pinckney manage that? By voting against a bill that would have allowed people to carry concealed guns in church, of course! Read more on NRA Dude Identifies Real Charleston Shooter. Surprise, It Was The Black Pastor!…
  The Thin-Skinned Blue Line

NYPD Cops So Sad At Mayor De Blasio They Just Can’t Fight Crime Anymore

Take a nap on your own time
It’s a great week to jaywalk or jump turnstiles in New York City, as cops have pretty much decided to stop being cops at all until Mayor Bill de Blasio disowns his black son or at least makes him personally thank every police on the force for keeping him safe. Following the murder of two officers by a suicidal man who was not, we must note, the Mayor of New York, police have turned their backs not only on Bill de Blasio, but also on doing their jobs. The New York Post reports that “traffic tickets and summonses for minor offenses have dropped off by a staggering 94 percent” since the murders. Read more on NYPD Cops So Sad At Mayor De Blasio They Just Can’t Fight Crime Anymore…
  wonkette world o' books

Clip & Save! Your Handy Wonkette Review Of (Part Of) Dana Loesch’s New ‘Book’

An armed society of intelligent cats is a polite society of intelligent cats.
We were planning to review for your enjoyment Amazon’s free preview of Dana Loesch’s new book-like substance, Hands Off My Gun, because who doesn’t want to spend a nice afternoon slogging through a piece of writing that is one step removed from the crude etchings some Neanderthal left on the wall of a cave ten thousand years ago. It would be impossible to be more generous than that to Dana even if we didn’t already think she is an insane ball of white-hot derp. Read more on Clip & Save! Your Handy Wonkette Review Of (Part Of) Dana Loesch’s New ‘Book’…
  priorities people

George W. Bush Probably Too Busy Clearing Brush To Attend 9/11 Memorial Museum. Thanks Obama!

You might have noticed some news about the dedication of a museum honoring an American history event, a little thing hardly worth mentioning called 9/11. Bamz, who wasn’t doing anything else today, so whatevs, roused himself to tour the museum, as did the Clintons, and Michael Bloomberg and Bill de Blasio and Rudy Giuliani (like Rudy could miss such a thing). Bamz even gave a nice little speech about the whole thing. But guess who was missing? Did you guess Bernie Kerik? We do not think he was there because he is maybe still in jail? We’re not going to look that up. Haha the big no-show was George W. Bush, who decided to just send a statement instead. Read more on George W. Bush Probably Too Busy Clearing Brush To Attend 9/11 Memorial Museum. Thanks Obama!…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Allows Commie Mayor Bill De Blasio To Talk Like A Screaming Socialist

On Monday’s The Daily Show, Jon Stewart welcomes notorious communist New York Mayor Bill de Blasio, who calmly and politely lays out his terrifying socialist agenda for the city: equal justice and opportunity, in the form of an end to stop-and-frisk and a tax on the rich to pay for universal preschool and expanded after-school programs. The Mayor insists that a progressive city government will not actually lead to chaos, arguing that “rampant, growing inequality” is a far greater threat to the city than a tax increase on people making over half a million dollars: Read more on Jon Stewart Allows Commie Mayor Bill De Blasio To Talk Like A Screaming Socialist…
  bloomberg made in god's image

Mayor Bloomberg On Homeless Children: Sometimes God’s Just Sort Of A Dick Like That

So we have all read the New York Times story about homelessness in New York, yes? And we have all cried for the smart, tough little girl named Dasani, who lives in a “520-square-foot room with her parents and seven siblings” in a most wretched shelter, where life is most wretched, and we have all said, “Goddamn, this is unacceptable and something must be done.” Yes? No. Apparently, some of us think, ‘Meh, that’s just God for ya.’ Some of us who happen to be bazillionaires and soon-to-be-ex-mayors of New York. Asked today if he was similarly moved by the story, current Mayor Michael Bloomberg told Politicker he’d had a different reaction. While calling her life story “really quite extraordinary,” Mr. Bloomberg insisted Dasani’s situation was not representative of the city’s broader homeless population. Well, actually, Mr. Mayor, the point of the story is that actually, Dasani is not “really quite extraordinary.” Yet Dasani is among 280 children at the shelter. Beyond its walls, she belongs to a vast and invisible tribe of more than 22,000 homeless children in New York, the highest number since the Great Depression, in the most unequal metropolis in America. But hey, don’t blame the city or its mayor for that. Nope, blame God. Read more on Mayor Bloomberg On Homeless Children: Sometimes God’s Just Sort Of A Dick Like That…
  the right to be a jerk shall not be infringed

Gun Fondlers Just Want Equal Time At Aurora Victims’ Ceremony To Remember The Poor Confiscated Guns

A pro-gun group plans to hold a demonstration in favor of the 2nd Amendment in the same suburban Denver park where a remembrance will be held for victims of the Aurora theater shootings, which occurred one year ago today. Members of Rocky Mountain Gun Owners insist that they have no choice but to stand their ground in the park, since the remembrance is being sponsored by New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s group Mayors Against Illegal Guns, which has threatened freedom by pressing state legislatures to pass slightly tougher restrictions on gun sales. Showing up to advocate gun rights at a memorial for shooting victims is simply RMGO’s way of ensuring that survivors of the shootings not get away with politicizing the victims’ deaths. Read more on Gun Fondlers Just Want Equal Time At Aurora Victims’ Ceremony To Remember The Poor Confiscated Guns…
  bad moon ricin

Actress Prepares For Ground-Breaking New Role: Inmate In Federal Prison

Hey Wonkstaffel, are you sad and depressed from all the awful news lately about BENGHAZI!!!!1!!! and the IRS and how President Barry spends his evenings in the White House personally reviewing your ISP activity logs and cackling at the number of German scheisse videos you have watched online since 2001? Then let us cheer you up with this tale of the dumbest person to allegedly mail ricin-infested letters to politicians since last month. Read more on Actress Prepares For Ground-Breaking New Role: Inmate In Federal Prison…
  guns don't kill people democrats do

Never Fear, Arkansas, Your Democrat Senator Will Never Come Between You And Getting Murdered With A Gun

Since it has been about 5 months since the President was inaugurated, it is about 4.5 months past time for the 2014 election season to heat up, because this town runs on scandal, protests, and never-ending electioning. Who’s opening their maggot-laden, corn-fed piehole this week? None other than conservative extremely conservative Republican Democratic Senator Mark Pryor of Arkansas. And what does he want us to know with his first teevee ad? Only that he wants to piss on the graves of the children who died at Sandy Hook, because the Second Amendment is the most precious thing ever in the history of all freedoms, no matter how many people die because of freedom, because some people’s freedom is worth bullets piercing the flesh of five-year olds. With Dems like this, who needs the GOP? Read more on Never Fear, Arkansas, Your Democrat Senator Will Never Come Between You And Getting Murdered With A Gun…
  getting less exclusive every day

New York Tyrant Mayor Michael Bloomberg Joins ‘Dangerous Kooks Sent Me Poison, For Freedom’ Club

Well, let’s see who’s getting letters stuffed with poison this week! The newest inductee in the House of the Ricin Sons is New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who was sent two letters containing a “pink-orange oily substance,” according to New York deputy police commissioner Paul Browne on Wednesday. The substance tested positive for trace amounts of ricin, the trendiest homemade toxin of 2013. Oh, and as we were typing this piece, we also learned of yet another maybe-ricin letter sent to President Obama and intercepted by the Secret Service. We have pretty much had it with this ricin fad. It’s worse than “planking” and “Gangnam Style” combined. Read more on New York Tyrant Mayor Michael Bloomberg Joins ‘Dangerous Kooks Sent Me Poison, For Freedom’ Club…
  Monsanto Knows Best

Nation’s Most Obese State Passes ‘New York Sux’ Bill, RC Cola & Moon Pie Stocks Rebound

So, simply because enough fucking people are not already TALKING ABOUT THE GODDAMN SODAS, here is this thing: Mississippi’s legislature has overwhelmingly passed and sent to Governor Lardstick McGoober a bill that will explicitly ban any municipality from discouraging its citizens from eating like gross disgusting pigs, for FREEDOM. The law, informally known as the “anti-Bloomberg bill” and even more informally known as the “Keep Michelle Obama’s fat ass out of our bidniss bill,” bars New York City-style restrictions on serving sizes or San Francisco-style laws prohibiting toys in kids’ meals. As an extra fuck-you to the Food Police, it also forbids local governments from requiring restaurants to list nutritional information, because calorie counts are fascist in a state where people are free to enjoy the highest obesity rate in the country. We encourage Mississippi lawmakers to follow up this brave law with a “stand your ground round” measure allowing eaters to shoot anyone who tries to pry a sammich from their sloppy greasy hands. Read more on Nation’s Most Obese State Passes ‘New York Sux’ Bill, RC Cola & Moon Pie Stocks Rebound…
  teen pregnancy don't do it!

Andrea Peyser Wants To Knock Up Your Pre-Teen

New York Post harpie-in-residence Andrea Peyser, what are you shrieking and yowling about this morning? Oh, that teen pregnancy has gone down 25 percent in New York City over the past decade, so we should stop teaching sex ed and giving out birth control? Madam, you are genius. Come, let us listen at Peyser’s gentle murmurs, together! They’ve gone too far. City schools routinely provide mandatory lessons in deviant sex to 11-year-olds. But kids can forget about wrapping their little fingers on a fattening, contraband brownie. Now schools are tinkering with young girls’ bodies at an alarming rate. Read more on Andrea Peyser Wants To Knock Up Your Pre-Teen…
  the traditional one year gift is handcuffs

The Police Remembered Occupy Wall Street’s One Year Anniversary!!!

Last year, it took Occupy less than three weeks to reallocate $2 million in government-funded aid to working men and women in New York City, in the form of overtime pay to the city’s police department. This year, some in the movement hope to achieve this goal sooner — and judging from the police turnout on Occupy’s one year anniversary, they stand a good chance of meeting their goal! It’s always nice when the dominant partner in a very hetero-normative relationship goes “all out” for an anniversary, and this year the police did not disappoint. “As usual, they brought Occupy some pretty police horses and cute police dogs.” Commissioner Ray Kelly’s NYPD is rumored to have splurged on a secret signal jammer to cut into Occupy’s livestream feed. The Associated Press is reporting that the police have arrested somewhere around 180 people (the NYT is saying 185), including about five journalists, wheelchair-bound Americans, one goth girl, and a fucking legal observer from The National Lawyers’ Guild: an act of puckish over-exuberance tantamount to capturing a Red Cross nurse as a POW. The police also gave a 99% bro a ride in a shopping cart. Read more on The Police Remembered Occupy Wall Street’s One Year Anniversary!!!…
  protecting and serving

Another NYPD Officer Accused of Extra-Protecting Lady Citizen

Hello, NYPD police officers, how have you been protecting and serving lord and master Mayor Bloomberg the citizens of New York lately? Oh by raping, menacing, attacking, and assaulting a lady in a Staten Island parking lot when off duty?  That’s nice! We should note that the officer’s mother claimed that he was innocent of the charges, and then helpfully tried to defend her son by saying “This is not in his character, he’s a police officer.” We’re not lawyers, but given that last year ANOTHER woman was raped at gunpoint by a DIFFERENT off duty NYPD police officer and an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT woman was raped  in her own apartment by an on-duty NYPD police officer while another on-duty police officer kept a look out, and this all happened in the past year and a half or so, the “he’s a police officer” thing is maybe not the most solid defense probably? And let’s not even mention the NYPD officer that was accused of sodomizing a man with his walkie talkie on a subway platform, or the (alleged) patternof sexual assault against Occupy protesters in March. So. Yeah, maybe “he’s a police officer” isn’t the most solid testament to a man’s character these days, iffen he’s working for the NYPD. Read more on Another NYPD Officer Accused of Extra-Protecting Lady Citizen…
  probably leftover epa drones

The NYPD Just Can’t Keep Its Eyes Off Of You

Hello residents of New York City! (And probably also New Brunswick and parts of Connecticut, Buffalo, and Philadelphia)! Are you doing anything wrong? No? Then why not let Michael Bloomberg’s personal army the NYPD take a look at what you’re doing ALL THE TIME? You don’t mind, do you? After all, if you’re not doing anything WRONG (or emailing OTHER people who might, by some stretch of the imagination, be THINKING about doing something WRONG) then why would you mind? Good, now that this has been settled, you can look forward to the unveiling of the all-seeing “Domain Awareness System” next week, which is not at all Orwellian and given that it was developed via a partnership with Microsoft, has absolutely no security issues! Don’t you feel Safer already? Read more on The NYPD Just Can’t Keep Its Eyes Off Of You…
  Yo Dawg He Is Crammin It Down Our Throats!!!

“Who Wrote This S***?” Mayor Bloomberg Does Not Care For Your Stupid Hotdog Puns

Courtesy of David Graham at the Atlantic, here is video of New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg just barely making his way through a speech on the occasion of the annual 4th of July Coney Island hot dog eating contest. The lame puns, strung together like so many old-timey frankfurters in a Marmaduke cartoon, leave him barely able to choke out the words, and he ends by asking what many politicians have longed to say, but lacked the courage to actually come right out and utter: Read more on “Who Wrote This S***?” Mayor Bloomberg Does Not Care For Your Stupid Hotdog Puns…
  crucial endorsement from annoying people

Lame Details From Inside The Lame Courtship Of Michael Bloomberg’s Endorsement

Nothing offers a better preview of how lame American governance will be no matter who wins the next election — WHICH IS NOT TO SAY that the election doesn’t matter! — than the fact that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are furiously courting the endorsement of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, whose opinions no one cares about except for Barack Obama, Mitt Romney, and Michael Bloomberg. Now that we’ve established that, well, WHO WILL MICHAEL BLOOMBERG ENDORSE??? Because Bloomberg is being cagey, oooooh… Read more on Lame Details From Inside The Lame Courtship Of Michael Bloomberg’s Endorsement…
  tea & sympathy & collateralized debt obligations

People’s Mayor Mikey Bloomberg Rushes To Boost Morale At Goldman Sachs

Let it never be said that Michael Bloomberg, the charitable billionaire currently serving in the 11th year of a midlife vanity project called “being mayor of New York City,” ignores his constituents in their time of need. Just yesterday, a lil’ start-up investment house in Manhattan called Goldman Sachs was all down on its luck after an executive quit and denounced the place in a New York Times op-ed as a depraved travesty, a global stage-IV cancer, a clearinghouse for Satan’s most evil plans, and a deceitful counterparty to its earnest, Muppet clientele. Well excuse me, Mayor Mike said, but I’m just not going to let David pick on Goliath like this, not while I’m in charge! And so he rushed down to Goldman HQ post haste, held a “pep rally” for the workers, and even bought CEO Lloyd Blankfein a pityburger. He didn’t have to do this, people. But he did it anyway, and history will remember him fondly. Read more on People’s Mayor Mikey Bloomberg Rushes To Boost Morale At Goldman Sachs…
  let freedom ring

Niger, El Salvador Beat United States in Press Freedom Last Year

The United States placed a thrilling 47th on the newly-released index of worldwide press freedom compiled by Reporters Without Borders, go team! This is 27 places worse than the previous year, owing to all the great fun cops across the nation had arresting, brutalizing and obstructing the work of journalists during the Occupy Wall Street protests. We were trying to type a bit of humor about some scandalously idiotic screaming exchange between Barack Obama and Arizona’s dingbat teabagger governor Jan Brewer that’s taking a dump all over our news feed, but then we just kept thinking to ourselves: Ha ha, maybe we will avoid this kind of thing just once, because this story — a White House pool reporter excitedly detailing a brief, meaningless spat between enemy politicians only because it deviates slightly from the usual banal protocol and then twenty other news sites repeating the account almost verbatim like it matters — is pretty much the exact kind of story that we fear being the only kind of story on our political news feed when we think about how much Michael Bloomberg wishes he could have shipped every journalist covering the police brutality against #OWS protesters to Guantanamo for a couple months/forever. Read more on Niger, El Salvador Beat United States in Press Freedom Last Year…
  justice only exists in cartoons

Jackass NYPD Pigs Throw Protesters In Jail And Eat All Their Food

New York City cops arrested eight protesters dressed in Robin Hood garb during a joint OWS-World Aids Day march demanding a Financial Transaction Tax on Wall Street to help restore the $10 million in HIV/AIDS services funding that Michael “I eat ground up poor people for breakfast” Bloomberg cut last year, but it wasn’t the Robin Hoods who got to do any stealing! Supporters sent the protesters a couple large pizzas to tide them over in jail, which the greedy precinct officers of Nottingham promptly confiscated and gobbled up for themselves. As any four-year-old who has seen the Disney version of Robin Hood can tell you, that is not how the movie is supposed to go. Read more on Jackass NYPD Pigs Throw Protesters In Jail And Eat All Their Food…
  happy thanksgiving

Actress Loses Day Job Over Satirical #OWS Performance

An actress who hilariously portrayed a representative from Bloomberg’s office during Saturday’s weaponized drum circle around the mayor’s mansion has been fired from her job at a marketing firm. Why? Eh, got to keep the people on edge. If everybody starts protesting, well, there would be fear and confusion in the corporate boardrooms! Read more on Actress Loses Day Job Over Satirical #OWS Performance…
  fail

Not Even FBI Cares About Bloomberg’s Phony Terror Suspect

While #OWS protesters created a “weaponized drum circle” around Michael Bloomberg’s mansion over the weekend, the mayor’s attempt to get people to freak out about the terrorisms was a total failure. Not even the terror-happy federal government was convinced by New York’s lame-o made-up terror suspect. Reuters reports: Read more on Not Even FBI Cares About Bloomberg’s Phony Terror Suspect…