Wonkette

More information has leaked about the Straight Talk Express destroying America’s minivans in Miami on Wednesday, a.k.a. “The Monica Lewinsky Scandal.” What of the bus passenger asshole Joe Lieberman, was he hurt in the crash? No, but he was attacked by a biracial cake: “A little more to that Miami traffic accident yesterday involving Joe Lieberman aboard the Straight Talk Express: Turns out the impact sent a staffer’s chocolate birthday cake with thick white frosting smack into the Connecticut senator.” EAT IT UP, GRAMPY. MORE »

• YIKES: “MIAMI (AP) - A man is being held in Florida by federal authorities on charges of threatening to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. …The Secret Service says Geisel made the threat during a training class for bail bondsmen in Miami in late July. Another tipster said Geisel also threatened President Bush.” And yet no one cared about the threat to Our Greatest President Bush? Goddamnit, Miami. [AP]

John McCain’s armored mammoth-of-death, the famous Straight Talk Express bus, completely destroyed a minivan making a right turn yesterday in Miami. The minivan was holding a black person, maybe, we don’t actually know. The Straight Talk Express was holding Joe Lieberman. *Just saying.* MORE »

ANGRY FLORIDA HIPPIE LEGISLATORS LOSE INTERNET: From the Miami Herald: “Partisan rancor erupted on the state House floor Friday morning as Democrats and Republicans feuded over procedural moves that led House Speaker Marco Rubio to angrily gavel the chamber quiet, order House guards to shut off Internet access and require members to quietly stay in their seats.” Meanwhile, homosexual state Rep. Bob “Twenty Dollar” Allen gets to check out Internet blowjob porn from his home! Who gets the last laugh now, moralists? [Miami Herald]

How the hell is Mike Huckabee doing these days? Well, he’s thirsty, and he’s still running for President of Jesus, and to finance both of these things he delivered a paid speech in the Cayman Islands — where the Fat Cats hide their money — this weekend. Wonkette operative “Mikey G.” happened to spot Huckabee at Miami Airport on Sunday, presumably when our heroic candidate was returning from his Island holiday. Huckabee, of course, was very alone, and no one knew who he was. MORE »

* John Warner’s ready to cut and run, “If I can leave Liz Taylor, I can leave Iraq.” [The Carpetbagger Report]
* Howard Dean’s job to be given to the blogger with the most inventive Bush impeachment strategy. [Firedoglake, HuffPo]
* Tom Tancredo doesn’t like places where the heat is on, all night on the beach ’til the break of dawn. [ C&L, H&R]
* Tomorrow, Drudge will look down at his tighty-whities and see President Bush’s face in the skid marks. [Raw Story]
* In his heart, Howard Kurtz knows there aren’t even enough good newspapers to make a Top 10 list. [Romenesko]
* Steny Hoyer stops by Springfield, Illinois, to spit on Abraham Lincoln’s Library and fire off a couple verses of the Terps fight song. [The Swamp]

Cartoon Violence is on hiatus this week, which is a damn shame considering this: MORE »

• Katherine Harris pens blog post, incites flurry of pandering to Florida’s Cuban voters. [The Hill Blog]

• Ousted from Connecticut, Juan Liebermantienez to lead coup in Cuba. [The Satirical Political Report]
• Vanity Fair releases military tapes from 9/11, titles article as if it were a classic rock box set. [Vanity Fair]
• The Republican party of Oregon, apparently more racist than in other states. [Oregon Live]
• Expect one less mysterious “tax” on your phone bill as Congress closes books on Spanish American War. [News.com]
• Christians pray for stability in Iraq, so they can hurry up and start proselytizing. [The Carpetbagger Report]
• Relive all the hot Texan backrub action at the G-8 with this new video game — fastest finger wins! [Addicting Games]

Last month we reported that Donna Shalala, the former Secretary of Health and Human Services and current President of the University of Miami, is living the high-life — while university janitors are trying to unionize and win a living wage. The story was picked up in the Washington Post and the Miami Herald, among other places. Now we bring you this brief update. MORE »