Hey Mexico, WTF? Today is supposed to be the magical day of Expecto Petraeus! And tomorrow’s the big 9/11 celebration, okay? What is with you people having some kind of Star Wars-esque rebellion attacking the gas pipelines and crazy semi-trucks full of dynamite blowing up on the highways and killing 34 people? MORE »

When Bush was in Canada selling America to Mexico earlier this week, Canadian labor unions protested the secret negotiations between the three countries’ leaders. And whenever there’s a big political protest, there are cops in disguise — usually as “anarchists” — trying to start shit so that the uniformed cops can smash skulls and shoot their water cannons and rubber bullets and tear-gas cannisters at the real protesters who were just peacefully protesting. What was interesting about this week’s agents provocateurs is that they got caught on video and the video was immediately seen by hundreds of thousands of people all around the world and for possibly the first time ever, a police department has been shamed into admitting that it plants disguised cops in protest crowds to stir up shit. MORE »

Apparently, the secret Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America meeting up in Canada is ending not with the sale of our children to Mexico, but rather with a hilarious world leader switcharoo.

Batting 1 For 3 With MSNBC [MSNC]

The leaders of Canada, Mexico and the United States are having secret meetings in a sinister Canadian castle today that will mean the End of the United States, finally, sources said. MORE »

Orange-skinned tycoon Mitt Romney isn’t just an incredibly rich executive trying to buy what few others want (the 2008 GOP nomination), he’s also a weirdo who speaks in some kind of bizarre Mayberry RFD language that only his 72 sons can understand. Here are some examples, and what they might really mean: MORE »

Several months or maybe even years ago, one of our civilization’s nightly televised beauty contests was held somewhere in Mexico, and the American contestant was even more comically challenged than the usual beauty queens, and she fell on her ass after mumbling some incorrect Spanish, and all the Mexicans laughed and laughed and booed the USA. MORE »

As far as Texan conspiracy theorists go, we’re pretty sure that this girl is 1,000x cuter than, say, Alex Jones, so whatever she’s talking about could be true. But what is she going on about, anyway? There is apparently some kind of EU thing going on, and soon you Canadians will be wearing Mexican burqas or something. And while we would welcome a Canadian takeover of Washington, it’s probably kind of going to go the other way — and then we’ll all earn Mexican wages. It can’t be any worse than the current situation, right? MORE »

Columbia, Tennessee was the scene of a shocking, inconceivable attack on the memory of America’s most beloved pre-Civil War mullet-sporting President this week. The home of President James Knox Polk, the man who secured the Oregon Territory, caused and ended the Mexican-American war, and personally found gold in the Yukon or California or something, was vandalized by dangerous criminals. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve targeted Polk. MORE »

* White House souvenirs excommunicated from the monetary system on Bush’s order. [The Swamp]
* Anyone can be president in America, except Jesus-hating queers. [Freakonomics]
* And, uh, Jesus-loving queer-haters. [Fresh Intelligence]
* U.S. Embassy in Baghdad totally built with slave labor. [IraqSlogger]
* Bookies think Thompson takes the nomination. [On Call]
* Arizona Republicans face crisis of whether to endorse shooting or hanging of Mexicans. [Hot Air]
* Or forcing them to invade and destroy Mexico to prove their loyalty. [IMAO]

Bill Richardson wants you to know that even though he has the whitest name in the Democratic party he’s actually a Hispanic person who speaks Spanish and is from Mexico. Well, he doesn’t necessarily want you to know that, but he would really like it if Hispanic people, especially ones who live in California, heard about it. If you’re not a Hispanic person he might like to talk instead about how he used to be at the UN and once pissed off Saddam Hussein. MORE »

* President Bush leaves Mexico after a few good burritos but no agreements on immigration. [NYT]
* Al G gets a show of support from President Bush, says “booyakasha” to that punk bitch John Sununu. [WP, NYT]
* Khalid Shaikh Mohammed confesses to that thing everybody knows he did. [WP, NYT, LAT, USAT]
* Iraq debate in Senate gives Joe Biden gas. [NYT]
* John McCain tries to get his campaign to only suck at the level it sucked in 2000. [WP]
* Republicans consider leaving behind No Child Left Behind. [WP]
* 2008 candidates keenly aware of the importance of pandering to fire fighters. [WP]
* Members of Congress can listen to Stevie Wonder, but they’ll never hear him. [WP]