Wonkette

* White House souvenirs excommunicated from the monetary system on Bush’s order. [The Swamp]
* Anyone can be president in America, except Jesus-hating queers. [Freakonomics]
* And, uh, Jesus-loving queer-haters. [Fresh Intelligence]
* U.S. Embassy in Baghdad totally built with slave labor. [IraqSlogger]
* Bookies think Thompson takes the nomination. [On Call]
* Arizona Republicans face crisis of whether to endorse shooting or hanging of Mexicans. [Hot Air]
* Or forcing them to invade and destroy Mexico to prove their loyalty. [IMAO]

Bill Richardson wants you to know that even though he has the whitest name in the Democratic party he’s actually a Hispanic person who speaks Spanish and is from Mexico. Well, he doesn’t necessarily want you to know that, but he would really like it if Hispanic people, especially ones who live in California, heard about it. If you’re not a Hispanic person he might like to talk instead about how he used to be at the UN and once pissed off Saddam Hussein. MORE »

* President Bush leaves Mexico after a few good burritos but no agreements on immigration. [NYT]
* Al G gets a show of support from President Bush, says “booyakasha” to that punk bitch John Sununu. [WP, NYT]
* Khalid Shaikh Mohammed confesses to that thing everybody knows he did. [WP, NYT, LAT, USAT]
* Iraq debate in Senate gives Joe Biden gas. [NYT]
* John McCain tries to get his campaign to only suck at the level it sucked in 2000. [WP]
* Republicans consider leaving behind No Child Left Behind. [WP]
* 2008 candidates keenly aware of the importance of pandering to fire fighters. [WP]
* Members of Congress can listen to Stevie Wonder, but they’ll never hear him. [WP]

MORE »

Mayan wizards are furious about Bush’s upcoming visit to the ancient Guatemalan city of Iximche, so they’re going to “spiritually cleanse” the pre-Columbian temples and palaces after Stinkoman leaves. Why so angry? Because they’re a bunch of libtard hippies, that’s why!

“That a person like (Bush), with the persecution of our migrant brothers in the United States, with the wars he has provoked, is going to walk in our sacred lands, is an offense for the Mayan people and their culture,” Juan Tiney, the director of a Mayan nongovernmental organization with close ties to Mayan religious and political leaders, said Thursday.

We don’t want to make a habit of defending our crappy president, but the dude has hardly persecuted the migrant brothers. Dude is basically merging Mexico with the United States, and the Bush Family is actually becoming Latino so they can rule the New Demographic, too. MORE »

While the spineless Democratic Majority won’t impeach Bush because it would hurt his widdle feelings or whatever, Republican congressmen are ready to sack up and start the proceedings. MORE »

* EPA and OSHA now dummy fronts for White House policies. [NYT]
* John Kerry and Christopher Dodd have a fire in the belly from the death of the only American soldier in Iraq that was willing to talk to them. [WP]
* President Bush: “I’m not that good at pronouncing words.” [WP]
* Ari Fleischer reminds us how much we miss him, gives testimony that conflicts with Scooter’s sworn statement. [NYT, LAT]
* Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the bizarro world Bush. [WSJ]
* Ben Bernanke’s all up in your city, not doing shit. [NYT]
* Swiss cheese border with Mexico won’t become muenster anytime soon. [LAT]

San Diego congressman Duncan Hunter has already pledged to protect Iowa from its neighbor, Mexico, but the next president of the United States will also need to defeat another horrible enemy before he goes to the White House. That foe is history. MORE »

We last noticed Virginia Rep. Virgil Goode when he bravely tried to deport all the American Muslims to prevent them from becoming congressmen and swearing an oath to Allah on Thomas Jefferson’s Koran. While Keith Ellison (D-Terrorist) is still plotting against us, Goode has decided to do battle on the second front for a while — he’s now fighting the creation of a Mexican-Canadian superstate that will also include what used to be the USA. MORE »

It’s official: The United States is now Mexican. Lou Dobbs was last seen throwing himself under a taco truck. Mmmm, tacos …. MORE »