If The Foreigns could elect America’s next president, they would probably vote for Hillary Clinton because she hearts NAFTA and has an acceptably white middle name. A smattering of anecdotes from Belgian grocers and Chinese business owners proves this devastating new fact! (Sorry Barack Hussein Obama, you can still be president of Kenya and Germany.) MORE »

We cannot write a better introduction than this: “A town in South America is living in fear after several sightings of a ‘creepy gnome’ that locals claim stalks the streets at night. The midget — which wears a pointy hat and has a distinctive sideways walk — was caught on video last week by a terrified group of youngsters.” This sidling wicket goblin, who is terrorizing Argentinian Mexicans, made one teenager “so scared after seeing that thing that we had to take him to the hospital.”

Hmm… a hobbit gnome terrorizing illegals? This is no mystery at all. MORE »

Ha ha, have you ever heard anyone compare a Congressman or Senator to a sex worker? Because they will apparently do anything for money, you see! Oh, what a delightfully raunchy barb. But the Foreigns, as usual, do us one better. You see, in several Foreign countries, actual sex workers — including strippers and prostitutes — get themselves elected to political office! And, um, people who play strippers in movies, and speaking of movies, we have video, after the jump! MORE »

*OLD BUSH TO ENDORSE SIMILARLY OLD MCCAIN:* President George Herbert Walker Bush will endorse John McCain Monday, the Politicos report. George H.W. Bush may be the only American older than John McCain, so this adds some elder credibility to the warmonger’s candidacy. But in John McCain’s native country, Mexico, there are still many people older than him. [Politico]

Bill Richardson has held most important government jobs, but America just wasn’t ready for a Mexican citizen to be its president. We’ll get there, with Hope. He still could be a vice presidential selection, however, and now the non-loser candidates are aggressively courting his endorsement. Barack, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy, perhaps even Franklin Delano Roosevelt somehow — they have all been jamming Richardson’s phone line, most likely offering “back room deals.” Indeed, it’s springtime for Bill Richardson — that career of resume-workshopping has finally gotten him some bites. Well, more like “nibbles.” [The Trail]

So, remember back in May how the U.S. government launched an international manhunt to find a lawyer with multi-drug resistant tuberculosis that had gone to Greece to get married? And, um, fucked it up utterly? Did you ever hear about how no one caught TB from him? Good times. Well, it also turned out that there was another guy with MDR TB at the same time and, um, the government was just a little bit quieter about him.

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GOP bigshot who put up a million dollars’ worth of Bush 2000 campaign billboards tied to both private jets loaded with tons of cocaine caught by Mexico’s drug cops. [Mad Cow Productions]

Did you know that Mormonoligist Republican presidential candidate Willard “Mitt” Romney is secretly a Mexican? It’s true! We read it in the Salt Lake Tribune! The column is by their editorial cartoonist (this particular story was apparently too complex to be illustrated by, say, drawing Mitt in a large comedy sombrero). And it’s sure to send shockwaves through the Mexican-Morman-Republican community. MORE »

Bush is bravely protecting the life of a death-row Mexican who killed two girls in Texas. [Crooks & Liars]

Hey Mexico, WTF? Today is supposed to be the magical day of Expecto Petraeus! And tomorrow’s the big 9/11 celebration, okay? What is with you people having some kind of Star Wars-esque rebellion attacking the gas pipelines and crazy semi-trucks full of dynamite blowing up on the highways and killing 34 people? MORE »

When Bush was in Canada selling America to Mexico earlier this week, Canadian labor unions protested the secret negotiations between the three countries’ leaders. And whenever there’s a big political protest, there are cops in disguise — usually as “anarchists” — trying to start shit so that the uniformed cops can smash skulls and shoot their water cannons and rubber bullets and tear-gas cannisters at the real protesters who were just peacefully protesting. What was interesting about this week’s agents provocateurs is that they got caught on video and the video was immediately seen by hundreds of thousands of people all around the world and for possibly the first time ever, a police department has been shamed into admitting that it plants disguised cops in protest crowds to stir up shit. MORE »

Apparently, the secret Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America meeting up in Canada is ending not with the sale of our children to Mexico, but rather with a hilarious world leader switcharoo.

Batting 1 For 3 With MSNBC [MSNC]

The leaders of Canada, Mexico and the United States are having secret meetings in a sinister Canadian castle today that will mean the End of the United States, finally, sources said. MORE »