Wonkette

Did you know that Mormonoligist Republican presidential candidate Willard “Mitt” Romney is secretly a Mexican? It’s true! We read it in the Salt Lake Tribune! The column is by their editorial cartoonist (this particular story was apparently too complex to be illustrated by, say, drawing Mitt in a large comedy sombrero). And it’s sure to send shockwaves through the Mexican-Morman-Republican community. MORE »

Bush is bravely protecting the life of a death-row Mexican who killed two girls in Texas. [Crooks & Liars]

Hey Mexico, WTF? Today is supposed to be the magical day of Expecto Petraeus! And tomorrow’s the big 9/11 celebration, okay? What is with you people having some kind of Star Wars-esque rebellion attacking the gas pipelines and crazy semi-trucks full of dynamite blowing up on the highways and killing 34 people? MORE »

When Bush was in Canada selling America to Mexico earlier this week, Canadian labor unions protested the secret negotiations between the three countries’ leaders. And whenever there’s a big political protest, there are cops in disguise — usually as “anarchists” — trying to start shit so that the uniformed cops can smash skulls and shoot their water cannons and rubber bullets and tear-gas cannisters at the real protesters who were just peacefully protesting. What was interesting about this week’s agents provocateurs is that they got caught on video and the video was immediately seen by hundreds of thousands of people all around the world and for possibly the first time ever, a police department has been shamed into admitting that it plants disguised cops in protest crowds to stir up shit. MORE »

Apparently, the secret Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America meeting up in Canada is ending not with the sale of our children to Mexico, but rather with a hilarious world leader switcharoo.

Batting 1 For 3 With MSNBC [MSNC]

The leaders of Canada, Mexico and the United States are having secret meetings in a sinister Canadian castle today that will mean the End of the United States, finally, sources said. MORE »

Orange-skinned tycoon Mitt Romney isn’t just an incredibly rich executive trying to buy what few others want (the 2008 GOP nomination), he’s also a weirdo who speaks in some kind of bizarre Mayberry RFD language that only his 72 sons can understand. Here are some examples, and what they might really mean: MORE »

Several months or maybe even years ago, one of our civilization’s nightly televised beauty contests was held somewhere in Mexico, and the American contestant was even more comically challenged than the usual beauty queens, and she fell on her ass after mumbling some incorrect Spanish, and all the Mexicans laughed and laughed and booed the USA. MORE »

As far as Texan conspiracy theorists go, we’re pretty sure that this girl is 1,000x cuter than, say, Alex Jones, so whatever she’s talking about could be true. But what is she going on about, anyway? There is apparently some kind of EU thing going on, and soon you Canadians will be wearing Mexican burqas or something. And while we would welcome a Canadian takeover of Washington, it’s probably kind of going to go the other way — and then we’ll all earn Mexican wages. It can’t be any worse than the current situation, right? MORE »

Columbia, Tennessee was the scene of a shocking, inconceivable attack on the memory of America’s most beloved pre-Civil War mullet-sporting President this week. The home of President James Knox Polk, the man who secured the Oregon Territory, caused and ended the Mexican-American war, and personally found gold in the Yukon or California or something, was vandalized by dangerous criminals. And it wasn’t the first time they’ve targeted Polk. MORE »