The other day your Wonkette LIED when we described whatever Facebook thing happened with the French President as our “annual bit of foreign news.” Turns out there were two foreign things to happen in 2009! Kindly direct your attention to this absolutely insane Wall Street Journal article: “Like a lot of countries, Mexico has a federal government. It meets in a number of imposing colonial and modern buildings around the country. But Mexico has another body, the so-called ‘Legitimate Government,’ which claims to be running the republic, too. It meets here in the capital every 15 days in a former garage at 64 San Luis Potosí St.” Please and thank you! MORE »

• Michelle Obama is the spokeswoman for the new and groovy United We Serve initiative. But consider this: first we were asked to “stand” united and now the government wants us to “serve” united? That’s a big leap there, going from just standing around to “cleaning up a neighborhood park”, united. Baby steps Michelle, baby steps. [The Caucus]
• What? Matt Taibbi has posted some sort of odd video from Russia, which he claims is very funny if you are like him and understand Russian. But wait, before you assume Taibbi is some sort of bilingual Tolstoy-reading Cossack genius: he posted the video at 1:02 a.m.! Yeah okay Matt, everyone speaks fluent Russian — when they’re drunk! This is so unlike you. [Matt Taibbi]
• Some poor immigrant family had their door kicked in at 4:00 a.m by a SWAT team, which then proceeded to handcuff all the teenage girls in the room. Whoops, wrong door! And then Montgomery County generously offered the distraught family “a couple of movies passes” as compensation. And then the ACLU laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed. [Hit & Run]
• RedState has expensive-looking Venn diagrams to show how every state is debt-ridden and practically foreclosed! Oh no, does this mean Mexico gets California back? [RedState]
• Every night our cultured, worldly President cooks a big pot of traditional Pakistani tuna casserole and then reads mystical Urdu poetry until it’s time for bed. Jesus Obama, why don’t you and Taibbi get married so you can speak Russian together? The rest of us will be watching television, like normal red white and blue-blooded Americans. [Politico]

Here is a tragic sweet love tale: the mayor of a lil’ Texas town abdicated his position to run off to Mexico with his illegal immigrant boyfriend, the Wallis Simpson of San Angelo. People are sad because this mayor was a very good mayor, and got elected to four terms! MORE »

A Hill staffer sends us this terrifying, confusing fax that just came in. Some Mexican just goin’ nuts. Complete insanity. What the fuck is this? “Borders are the arbitrary” WHAT? WHAT? Oh! The New Republic’s Jeffrey Rosen tells us that his legal friends heard from their legal friends who heard from Sally who heard from Stevie that this is clearly the work of that loudmouth Mexican idiot, Sonia Sotomayor.

We should have known. We should have known that Barack Obama would try to kill us via that Red Chinese nerd queer, the energy secretary “Choo Choo,” who’s so dumb and violent that he doesn’t even know what oil is. This Energy Department aide of his went down to Mexico a couple of weeks ago to set the table for Obama’s visit, and he just had to fuck a pig while he was there, and then he got the disease and tried to kill his whole family with it, in Maryland. MORE »

It seems that Mexico has turned into a nightmare apocalypse swamp (desert?) just south of our own American borders, overnight. Once upon a time, carefree teens could slip down to Juarez or Tijuana for a good clean evening of wholesome fuckin’, and now they will just get kidnapped or worse. Just look at the news: terrible shootouts between drug cartels, a lethal plague, and now just today a scary earthquake near Mexico City … Jesus, no wonder Rick Perry wants federal troops on the border. MORE »

Here’s some terrifying news: While the U.S. media was focused on the very important subject of some fat wingnuts having teabagging protests in America, President Barack Obama was headed to Mexico — and on the night of April 16, he attended a fancy dinner at Mexico City’s famous Museo Nacional de Antropología, where noted archeologist and museum director Felipe Solís Olguín showed the U.S. president around, and they presumably shook hands and talked, without the protection of surgical masks. A few days later, Solís was dead of pneumonia. MORE »

Oh poor John McCain! He tried not to be racist for a little while in 2007 during the immigration reform fight, but then that didn’t work, so he abandoned it and won the Republican nomination after all, but then that didn’t work either, and since a wingnut never forgets, he will now miserably lose his 2010 Senate primary to this guy who runs around shooting Mexicans. MORE »

• Obama hired some gay bishop to give some mini Invocation speech, for fairness. Barack Obama has made history by being the first politician to hire a gay man to perform a service and not break the law or his marital vows in doing so. [AMERICAblog]
• Your Second Life avatar is destroying the actual, First Life Earth just as much as any random actual person from Brazil. [Hit & Run]
• Marc Ambinder is now plagiarizing witch-algebra from Nate Silver and predicting the chances Hopey has of accomplishing anything. [Marc Ambinder]
• Today Obama is meeting with the President of Mexico, “el Presidente”. [Top of the Ticket]
• Congress has hit a home-run for irrelevance today, as Roger Clemens, a baseball player from maybe the 1980s (?), will face a grand jury probe about whether or not he maybe took steroids. [Politico]

A transition of power, combined with the crumbling economy, leaves America very vulnerable to the Terrorists. It is very clear to them, the Terrorists, that we do not have our shit together, at all. We have three presidents and 42 cents of real wealth; we grow a lot of corn. If you were a Terrorist looking at this, you’d just want to fucking bomb it, right? This is why we should have elected Republicans, America, because they know two things: (1) camels are from the Middle East and (2) filthy Mexicans are always sneaking into our country and then giving AIDS to our children. And yesterday two camels were seen wandering around a Mexican border city, trying to blend in, acting all cool, keeping it real discreet-like. It’s pretty clear, then, that the Arab Terrorists are coming from Mexico to, uh, eat yr brains. MORE »

For many Mexicans today is a day to celebrate what they call “Cinco de Mayo,” which is Mexican for “Huzzah.” And that is precisely how “Mexico John” is spending his time today, celebrating that is, sipping on frozen margaritas and eating liberal spare ribs at his terrorist shack in Sedona. Oh, what’s that? He’s also launching a Mexican version of his web site, so that his family can finally read about him. [McCain Espanol]

First they came for our jobs. Then they came for our jobs again. They came for our jobs several times after this. But now the Mexicans are coming for our White House BlackBerries. At a meeting of Canadian, Mexican and U.S. officials this week, a Mexican aide “pocketed” several BlackBerries belonging to the U.S. delegation. Two questions: (1) How did this aide illegally get into the country in the first place? (2) Why didn’t we elect Mitt Romney to stop this illegal behavior? MORE »

The rampant, raging Absolut vodka controversy took on new dimensions this weekend when a pack of insane nativists vowed to boycott Absolut and demanded the firing of the employee who approved an ad that encourages the Mexicans to take over the Northern Hemisphere. To be fair, it is well known that The Illegals and their cohort take most of their political marching orders from liquor ads. MORE »

If The Foreigns could elect America’s next president, they would probably vote for Hillary Clinton because she hearts NAFTA and has an acceptably white middle name. A smattering of anecdotes from Belgian grocers and Chinese business owners proves this devastating new fact! (Sorry Barack Hussein Obama, you can still be president of Kenya and Germany.) MORE »