Tag Archives: mexico

  It's Like Sophie's Choice Met Dumb And Dumber

Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian

Why Not the Pest?
In what is undoubtedly the YOOGEST news since the last time Donald Trump said anything, Donald Trump hinted today on Fox & Friends that the situation in Washington has become so intolerable, what with the fraud and the lying and the dishonesty and the Obamacare that just doesn’t work and is based on a lie because a guy said so on video, that he, Donald Trump, just might have to become president to fix it. No, really, this time he means it: He is genuinely thinking that he should be President. Maybe not that he will actually run, because that is work, but he’s very happy to pretend that he faces some kind of Sophie’s Choice about doing weekly Fox & Friends visits or making a serious bid for office. Read more on Donald Trump Will Either Run For President, Stay On Fox, Or Become Ballerina Princess Veterinarian…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: That One Time Richard Nixon Hated The Vietnam War

Whole lotta tapes comin' out
Monday night, Rachel Maddow brought us a segment on audio diaries kept by H.R. “Bob” Haldeman, which were recently released by the Nixon Presidential Library. At first, we were ready for another story about the Nixon administration’s penchant for backbiting and sliminess, and there’s definitely some of that — Haldeman casually mentions that Robert Byrd’s past as a KKK member actually weighed in his favor as a possible Supreme Court nominee — but then things take another turn altogether as Haldeman describes Nixon meeting the family of Col. William Nolde, the last American combat casualty in Vietnam. Read more on Morning Maddow: That One Time Richard Nixon Hated The Vietnam War…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Why’s Obama Letting Immigrant Terrorists Ebola Us To Death?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
In the last seven days, the Sarah Palin Channel has published exactly nine minutes and twenty-eight seconds of content. Three minutes of that total is “Behind the Scenes” reels, one of which centers on Sarah going to a barn in North Carolina last year (it was Billy Graham’s barn, and it was a very boring visit). That means Palin’s team produced about six minutes of content in the last week, so yes, this is probably the laziest political grift we’ve ever covered in our short time as Yr Wonket. But by the same token, it is also the most ruthlessly efficient. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Why’s Obama Letting Immigrant Terrorists Ebola Us To Death?…
  thing de la drinky

Do Not Forget Our Fiesta Borracha, Wonkers Mexicanos! (It’s Tomorrow)

Sometimes you just have to go to Mexico for two weeks and “work” from there (shut up yes I have been) and then make a party and invite all your friends you haven’t met yet! But Editrix, you have been whining, we do not want to go San Miguel de Allende, just a quick three hour jaunt from Mexico City, to see you and Senorita Lisa Wines and let you buy us bebidas, because we are REAL Mexicans and not turistas estupidas! Well, fair enough. More for us. But you should know, before you say no, that Miss Wines has about as little will-power when dranking as I do. Some cabeza comida for you, or “brain eating”! Read more on Do Not Forget Our Fiesta Borracha, Wonkers Mexicanos! (It’s Tomorrow)…
  drilly bebe drill

Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto Wants Mexico To Get Fracked

There’s nothing spicier than our favorite allegedly gay, allegedly wife-murdering and allegedly elected Mexican president, Señior Enrique Peña Nieto. How has he fared in the first year of his stolen office? FABulously! drools Michael Barone, senior political prestidigitator at The Washington Examiner, resident goodfella at the American Enterprise Institute and, of course, Fox News gasbag. Peña Nieto is such an “efficient reformer” that there is no more drug violence! That whole idea of people being gunned down in the streets by narcotraficantes is “out of date.” He’s kinda, sorta rii…ght about this part. With decriminalization of pot in the US and neighboring Latin American countries, some cartels, like the nice boys of the Knights Templar cartel in Michoacan, are diversifying from drug violence to iron ore exporting and thuggery. That should make international investment coffers open wide for chunky. Read more on Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto Wants Mexico To Get Fracked…
  do it in the butt

Should Gay Marriage Be Outlawed Because Gays Can’t Sex Each Other In Missionary? Your Wonkette Investigates

We thought we had heard all the excuses for why gay people should be denied the right to get married, but this is a new one: An anti-gay politico in Mexico, Ana María Jiménez Ortiz, has determined that gay people should not get marriage because gay people do not face one another during sex: “Marriage should only be considered as those relationships in which the members have sex facing each other, which does not occur between homosexual couples.” This raises all sorts of important questions, and your Wonket intends to get to the bottom of them. Read more on Should Gay Marriage Be Outlawed Because Gays Can’t Sex Each Other In Missionary? Your Wonkette Investigates…
  this is the end my only friend

Oh Yeah, Mitt’s Mormon Mexican Cousin Thinks We Should Legalize It Also Too

And so Vice’s foray to Me-hee-co, to the Mormons and the cartels, comes to an end. You guys loved it so much! Anything happen this time, besides a general wrap-up? YES. Mitt Romney’s Mexico-born cousin Kelly Romney, who is a terrible Christian, says to leeeegalize it. Read more on Oh Yeah, Mitt’s Mormon Mexican Cousin Thinks We Should Legalize It Also Too…
  typical mormon libtard

Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon Cousin: Amnesty For Everyone!

Well, we are finally at Part Six of Vice’s foray into the wilds of Me-hee-co, about the Mexican branch of Mitt Romney’s family, and how they and the cartels are just totally kidnapping each other all the time, and this part is really interesting! Why is it interesting when there hasn’t even been a beheading in four whole installments? Because Mitt’s cousin thinks there should be AMNESTY for illegal immigrants in the US, AND a guest worker program, and probably, like, food and shelter and not starving to death too! Sorry, Mitt Romney’s cousin, but obviously you are a terrible Christian. Read more on Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon Cousin: Amnesty For Everyone!…
  breaking: bad

Hey Why Are All These Mexican Mormons Drinking Tequila All The Time Anyway?

Does Mitt Romney secretly drink tequila? (No.) But his Mexican cousins do, in between getting kidnapped by the cartels and then “accidentally” shooting them, also too. In this installment of Vice’s tour through the Mexican Mormon/cartel death match, the Vice hipsters might get killed! (But they do not get killed.) Read more on Hey Why Are All These Mexican Mormons Drinking Tequila All The Time Anyway?…
  could use more cheech too

Watch Mexican Mormons Complain About Being Murdered All The Time Constantly By The Cartels

Time for your newest Vice video, Wonkers! There are four more before you are done forever. Which part will you whine about this time? (The hipster. You will whine about the hipster like you did in Part One and Part Two.) Read more on Watch Mexican Mormons Complain About Being Murdered All The Time Constantly By The Cartels…
  just like on weeds!

Gay? Murderer? The Telenovela Life of Mexican President-Elect Enrique Peña Nieto

The more we learn about Mexican president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto, the scarier things get. Behind the Pompadour and circumstance, there lurks a dark and nasty side to the pretty-boy president-to-be. First off, he’s a slut. Big deal. So was Bill Clinton (and John F. Kennedy, for that matter). But a slutty assassin and wife killer (MAYBE!) is a totally different story. First, let’s mira at his extramarital affairs. Read more on Gay? Murderer? The Telenovela Life of Mexican President-Elect Enrique Peña Nieto…
  the citizens united of mexico

Grocery Shoppers Outraged Their Mexican Election Voting Bribes Were So Puny

In our second segment in the series Everything We Always Wanted To Know About Mexico But Now That We Know Can We Unknow It?, we bring you the latest fashions in election vote-fixing, brought to you by president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto’s party, the oddly-named Institutional Revolutionary Party or PRI. (How do you institutionalize revolution, anyway?) Some of the things the PRI did institutionalize over the 70 years they were in power was guaranteeing their own reelection and turning a blind eye to the drug cartels because “job creators.” However, the new handsome, youthful face of the party, Enrique Peña Nieto, PROMISED that his party had CHANGED and he would NEVER go back to the old ways. But he needed to win the election, ya know? So, just a few little cheaty things here and there wouldn’t be noticed, right? It was all for the greater good. On Monday and Tuesday, just after Sunday’s election, an embarrassing Popocatépetl-sized kerfuffle erupted. Thousands of Mexicans crowded into Soriana grocery stores to cash in gift cards that were given to them in exchange for voting for PRI candidates, including Peña Nieto. People who didn’t have gift cards (the stupid ones) couldn’t get into the stores to do their post-weekend shopping. And the people that did have cards were extremely unhappy. It seems that they were told that the gift cards were worth 500 Pesos ($37.50), but they discovered at the store that they were only worth 100 Pesos ($7.50). We know this because los indignados were all interviewed outside the stores by journalists from media outlets not affiliated with Peña Nieto (meaning, non-Mexican media outlets). Read more on Grocery Shoppers Outraged Their Mexican Election Voting Bribes Were So Puny…
  idiotas

Mexico Elects Sarah Palin President

Assumed Mexican president-elect Enrique Peña Nieto is a snappy dresser. He’s 45 years old with a handsome baby face. He has a molded Pompadour. He poses for the cameras “like Brad Pitt and DiCaprio.” He’s been compared to John F. Kennedy. He’s a political movie star, married in a storybook top hats n’ tails wedding to a telenovela actress (who created her own reality show featuring her on the campaign trail, “thinking and feeling.”). And he has thousands of drooling, swarming, huaraches-in-the-air female followers “pressing against barricades, screaming “Enrique bonbon!” “Peña, you’re hot,” and “I want you on my mattress.” Well, based on preliminary election results (final count due today), it looks like they all voted for him too, which is as close as they will get to his perfect hair. It’s all about the fantasy. And the fantasy is about to come true. Except when he goes off script, goes rogue, shall we say. Then everything falls apart. Does any of this sound familiar? Read more on Mexico Elects Sarah Palin President…
  all hail presidente cuervo

Happy ‘It’s Not Mexican Independence’ Day!

It is Tequila and Mini-Sombreros Day in America, hooray! It always seems like Cinco de Mayo should be Mexican Independence Day — dressing to match a national flag and getting wasted on a holiday named after its date on the calendar is how independence days are done, right? But today is actually the day when much of the United States unwittingly celebrates a Mexican military victory in 1862 over the asshole French army of Napoleon III that was in the process of trying to swoop in for some colonial sloppy seconds and take over the country (which they did, briefly). How did this become an American holiday? New historical research from a UCLA professor provides an idea of the celebration’s earliest appearance in the United States, and it is lovely. Read more on Happy ‘It’s Not Mexican Independence’ Day!…
  a newt gingrich wet dream

Wal-Mart de Mexico Flips a Peso: Bribes or Baggers? Bribes Win

The New York Times gave the Justice Department more work to do yesterday (the JD is already up to its ears in News Corp bribes to UK cops n’ Russian billboards) when they published a bunker-busting exposé about Wal-Mart bribing everybody they could in Meheeco (~ $24 million) in order to build their dime-store empire under the volcanoz. Oh who cares, right? It’s just a little mantequilla to grease the wheels of commerce for Los Creadores de Empleo. And while Wal-Mart brags a lot about all the jobs they create in Mexico, in 2007 the Daily Beast revealed that Wal-Mart de Mexico had 19,000 teenagers (between 14 and 16 years old) working for them as grocery baggers for nada. Wal-Mart said, “Yeah? So?” and the world turned over, farted and went back to sleep. Pinches pendejos. Read more on Wal-Mart de Mexico Flips a Peso: Bribes or Baggers? Bribes Win…
  this whole court is out of order!

California Birthers, in Rare Moment of Consistency, Target Romney as Unnatural Unborn Uncitizen

Everyone knows, correct, that Mitt Romney’s dad, Ol’ “Messican George” Romney, was born in Mexico because his own dad had fled the US so he could keep all his trillion wives, si, claro? Weeellll, there’s a last best straw currently being grasped at by those few (a third to half of all Republicans) who claim our own Bammerz is ineligible for the presidency he has held for the past three years. And that last best straw is one that seeks to forget a good solid century of settled case law and send back to China all those members of the Yellow Peril while they’re at it. Goodbye, heathen Chinee! Unfortunately, Mitt Romney is also a heathen Chinee. Friendly fire, what can you do? Read more on California Birthers, in Rare Moment of Consistency, Target Romney as Unnatural Unborn Uncitizen…
  oh my god

Rick Santorum Calls Out Obama For Daughter’s Mexican Vacation

Did you hear that President Obama allowed his daughter to go to Mexico with 12 friends and 25 Secret Service agents? Our friends on the right end of the political spectrum have been calling it poor leadership for the First Parents to send their child to Deathly Mexico after the State Department recently issued a travel warning for certain parts of the country (that don’t include Oaxaca, where Malia was visiting). At least this is the angle — “hypocrisy,” a bullshitter’s best argument-friend — they’re basically using it as an excuse to call the Obama family jet-setting spendthrifts. And now classy piglet Rick Santorum, who is actually wading into this story about the President’s daughter, is calling Obama a bad father/president who is setting a bad example. Sweet jiminy Christ burgers. Read more on Rick Santorum Calls Out Obama For Daughter’s Mexican Vacation…
  lives of the gays

Mexico-Bashing Gay Arizona Sheriff Shares Tips On Forbidden Love

Recently outed gay Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu has some hot relationship tips about his longtime gay partner “Jose,” who was also a trusted political consultant for Babeu and even designed all of Babeu’s congressional campaign websites: Jose somehow secretly “wanted to harm me,” Babeu told CNN on Monday. If true, this follows the typical Republican foreign policy of bullying people from other countries and then threatening to bomb them for being upset about being bullied. Read more on Mexico-Bashing Gay Arizona Sheriff Shares Tips On Forbidden Love…
  triple play

Right-Wing Anti-Mexican Arizona Sheriff Has Gay Mexican Lover

Here is the hot American president’s day news for those of you who didn’t spend the weekend searching for “gay wingnut arizona sheriff tries to deport gay mexican lover” on Ask Jeeves: Beloved right-wing anti-Mexican Arizona sheriff Paul Babeu has been caught trying to deport his homosexual Mexican lover, because Paul Babeu is a homosexual with an unquenchable thirst for the semen of illegal Mexican men. It is very common for anti-Mexican Republicans to have undocumented Mexican servants and gardeners and nannies, of course, and it is exceedingly common — almost required by the RNC — for Republican politician men to be self-hating homosexuals, and it is utterly expected that any Republican in Arizona is going to be a comic book villain/idiot. But to get all three in one person (a sheriff, even!) running for Congress is just a bit overboard. Read more on Right-Wing Anti-Mexican Arizona Sheriff Has Gay Mexican Lover…
  heroes

Mississippi Legislator Proposes Gulf of Mexico Be Renamed Gulf of America

Steve Holland, Democratic Representative of Mississippi, has embraced the latest trend of taunting the powers that be with a bill proposing renaming the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America! H.B. 150 was introduced to Mississippi’s Marine Resources Committee this week, and it contains real words about why this is potentially actually happening (knowing Mississippi, which is a beacon of change). Fittingly, Holland doesn’t even mention the Gulf of Mexico BY NAME in ANY part of this bill, which is a mere 12 lines long. He, turning his head away in feigned disgust as he typed the words, trying hard to hold back his lunch, calls it “the body of water that is located directly south of Hancock, Harrison and Jackson Counties.” Read more on Mississippi Legislator Proposes Gulf of Mexico Be Renamed Gulf of America…
  ur monies at work

U.S. Spends $4.3 Million To Force Mexicans To Learn Swimming

Oh, neat: the government found a few million taxpayer dollars just sort of laying around doing nothing and decided, “how about doing more nothing with it?” to keep tradition, so they are blowing it “replacing” the non-existent “existing border ocean fence” that nibbles the surf at Border Field State Park in San Diego. It has long been possible for occasional handfuls of illeghulz using such crafty technology as “walking” to just step around the corroded sets of poles when the tide is low (to mostly likely be immediately arrested), so the grand multi-million dollar plan to stop this from happening is to rebuild the fence three hundred feet out into the water. Surely Mexicans have not yet heard of “swimming” or “jet skis?” Read more on U.S. Spends $4.3 Million To Force Mexicans To Learn Swimming…