For many Mexicans today is a day to celebrate what they call “Cinco de Mayo,” which is Mexican for “Huzzah.” And that is precisely how “Mexico John” is spending his time today, celebrating that is, sipping on frozen margaritas and eating liberal spare ribs at his terrorist shack in Sedona. Oh, what’s that? He’s also launching a Mexican version of his web site, so that his family can finally read about him. [McCain Espanol]

Are you feeling extra hippieish today, hippies? Maybe a little more communal, communists? That’s because it’s May Day, the main drunken pagan sex holiday of the first week of May. In fact, today used to be America’s Labor Day, until right-wing bloggers of the Soviet era found out it was actually a commie holiday built around the commie traditions of a) abortion and b) colorful paper streamers. And then the evil “May Day” was patriotically converted into “Loyalty Day” … but did anybody tell the Mexicans? MORE »

Panamanian-born immigrant John “Juan” McCain wants to be president of El Norte, the Estados Unidos de América , but of course he is not from our patriotic country. Luckily, he is a global elitist with many powerful allies in our Senate, so yesterday all the senators got together and agreed that McCain is a “natural born citizen” and can be our oldest president once Hillary destroys Obama and the Democrats forever. [AFP]

First they came for our jobs. Then they came for our jobs again. They came for our jobs several times after this. But now the Mexicans are coming for our White House BlackBerries. At a meeting of Canadian, Mexican and U.S. officials this week, a Mexican aide “pocketed” several BlackBerries belonging to the U.S. delegation. Two questions: (1) How did this aide illegally get into the country in the first place? (2) Why didn’t we elect Mitt Romney to stop this illegal behavior? MORE »

Priggish Acadian fur-trader James Carville appeared on Larry King Live last night with his mortal enemy, fat Mexican ex-presidential candidate Bill Richardson, to Assess the Race. Carville had famously called Richardson “Judas Iscariot” after the latter endorsed Barack Obama, because Bill Clinton gave Richardson two or three of his 80,000 stupid jobs in the 1990s and now he won’t even support the damn wife’s campaign. The two continued fighting each other last night, most notably when Carville makes fun of Richardson’s tropical beach vacation. Video after the jump. MORE »

Everyone’s favorite racist presidential candidate from Colorado, Rep. Tom Tancredo, is responding to the Pope’s Tour d’America by… well how is he responding? Let’s do the math: Tom Tancredo’s only issue is illegal Mexicans; illegal Mexicans are Catholic; Catholics perform Pope’s bidding… The Pope’s bidding is telling the Mexicans to enter the United States. Tom Tancredo hates the Pope! [Denver Post]

Several concerned readers have written to Wonkette pointing out a few errors in our unbiased, information-filled reporting surrounding Debbie Stabenow’s husband’s tragic hooker bust. In bringing this very important information to you, we failed to adequately acquaint ourselves with greater Detroit Metropolitan area roadways, for one, and then there is the little issue of “speaking Mexican.” MORE »

Here is the Absolut vodka ad that is Controversial for appealing to Mexicans, who want to take back the western United States (officially) in their perfect world. Well boo hoo. Look at the upside: Absolut also wants to squash Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez while simultaneously bottle-fucking Puerto Rico. [LA Times]

Way back in the Fifth Century, Eliot Spitzer took a “white slave” to Ireland. After many years of imprisonment, Little Saint Patrick escaped back to England, which was part of Rome at the time, and he remembered his Irish slavery so fondly that he vowed to return and destroy Paganism. It only took another 1,500 years for Ted Kennedy to drunkenly crash his car off a tiny bridge and drown his girlfriend. Learn more about St. Patrick’s Day, after the jump. MORE »

Since George W. Bush and the Congress never agreed on a plan to Keep The Mexicans Out, desperate alien colonies in the Southwest are resorting to time-tested strategies to save their jobs. Aside from shooting all Illegals in the face, the city of Yuma, Arizona is considering refilling and expanding the Colorado River to build a medieval-style moat. It may keep out the dragons, disgruntled Celts and other Saxon hordes. But can it stop the Mexicans? MORE »

You know why that headline is in quotes? Because it’s the same headline that the Clinton campaign’s official press release uses. If the PR people had just changed “Hispanic” to “Mexican,” we could’ve offered them all jobs at Wonkette after the campaign officially dies. Anyway, what the hell is going on here?:

The Clinton campaign announced today a new Latino campaign theme song entitled “Hillary, Hillary Clinton” written and performed by Walter Suhr and the Mango Punch, and introduced by famed Tejano musician Johnny Canales who dedicates the song to “Nuestra Amiga” (”Our Friend”) Hillary Clinton…. The Hispanic campaign theme song will be used at rallies, gatherings, parties, and other campaign events all around Texas, where there is a deep-rooted connection with music, lyrics and political campaigns.

You can listen to the mp3 of Hillary Clinton’s new Mexican campaign song here. If that sounds like too much to handle, however, you can read the lyrics, in both English and Mexican, after the jump. If that’s still too much, then we can’t help you and we apologize. Liveblogging Hillary’s last stand among Mexicans, very soon! MORE »

You, the humans on the internet, voted earlier today for Texas to be that lucky state that secedes and forms Paultardia. We expect the Texas legislature to listen to Wonkette’s readership and draft secession papers immediately. Be sure to keep this slimy alien out, too. [The Plank]

On one hand, an endorsement from a Kennedy is a pretty big political prize, even in 2008. On the other hand, it’s an endorsement from Ted Kennedy …. [Breitbart]