It doesn’t matter whether the National Zoo’s panda’s uterus is half full or half empty—the important thing is how you look at it. [DCist] MORE »

Friday, April 3: Christian Finnegan of Chapelle’s Show and Best Week Ever fame comes to DC Improv till Sunday. Listen to his comedy bit about the DC metro system, which is he says is “the fucking Tron compared to NYC subways, where there’s always someone “twisting one off in the corner.” Gross. [DC Improv] MORE »

The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority now has its own fancy Facebook page. Change has come! MORE »

H St. NE is such a bitch to get to, but thankfully, someone was smart enough to realize that the only reason no one ever goes down to H St. is because it’s inaccessible and that the X2 bus sucks. Also, H St. can be a bit of a sketchy place. There are prostitutes, homeless people and drug dealers all over the sidewalks, and that’s why you need a cute little shuttle bus with a sleek logo to help you safely traverse the city. MORE »

• METRO COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY 9:25 A.M.: Yeah so all that planning the city did to make sure public transportation operates smoothly on Inauguration Day? Utter failure. One 68-year-old gal falls on the train tracks and next thing you know, officials have to shut down Metro Center and Gallery Place/Chinatown, the two most important Metro stops, basically. [WP]

• ODDLY HILARIOUS HYPERBOLIC QUOTES FROM CITY OFFICIALS WHO ARE FREAKING OUT OVER INAUGURATION LOGISTICS, TUESDAY EDITION: “It is going to be the most challenging day in the history of Metro.” [WTOP]

• The National Zoo is getting an exciting aerial tram, for sky views of Tian Tian and Mei Xiang and maybe Knut, way in the distance. [DCist]
• Here’s a list of all the fancy D.C. schools Sasha and Malia might attend, which features Insider Knowledge like mission statements copied and pasted from the schools’ websites and Google Earth fotos. [HuffPost]
• The Metro, which was comically and incidentally swindled by AIG, is now looking for a $400 million bailout. John McCain will suspend replaying the past year in his head, over and over again, to assist in the crisis. [WTOP]
• Why all your desperate emails for Barry’s 1st Inauguration tickets remain unanswered. [Washington Post]
• Writers can now compete for the Bob Novak Collegiate Journalism Award, which will be awarded to the young journalist who can kill the most hobos with his/her sports car without drinking. [Fishbowl DC]

• The most brilliant legal mind of our time is in court for the second time trying to prove that because a dry cleaners hung a sign that said “satisfaction guaranteed,” they were legally obligated to give him $54 million for a lost pair of pants. [Washington Post]
• The collapse of AIG is affecting your beloved Metro, which owes $400 million to various banks. [WTOP]
• Basically all employees of all government agencies have $700 billion of unpaid parking tickets that they refuse to pay. [DCist]
• Everything you thought you knew about the correct way to rob a bank is so wrong. Here is a list of all the mistakes you would have made. [DC Examiner]
• Room & Board, a yoga studio, and overrated recluse Dave Chappelle are all competing to open up businesses in an abandoned church. [City Paper]

• GWU Medical School is just barely accredited, in fact, it is the only medical school on probation, which sounds serious! Naturally, this is where Dick Cheney was taken. [DCist]
• Your Orange Metro Line has a wide stance, but the inspector didn’t notice, and next thing you know, derailment. This inspector was given a “refresher course.” [DC Examiner]
• This lady stole half a million dollars from the Metro by swapping in cash for “Metrocheks,” which are worthless vouchers. She will have to pay back the amount of her illicit Metro bounty in installments of $200/month. According to a calculator, it will take her 208 years to do this. [WTOP]
• A hayride carrying some children crashed into an elementary school. It was a haunted hayride. [Washington Post]
• The Washington Post not only endorsed Obama, it accepted clandestine hush money in exchange for allowing Obama to post partisan advertisements on the despicable paper’s Internet web-site. [Fishbowl DC]

• This mom just gave her daughter some vodka, so why was she arrested for giving her child the best 13th birthday party ever? Was it because later that 13 year old went to the ER with alcohol poisoning? Or was it because the jealous police were just a bunch of losers when they were in middle school? [DCist]
• This DC police officer was arrested for embezzling $180k using some complicated speeding ticket scheme that turns out not to have worked anyway. [WTOP]
• Maryland farmers can no longer dump chicken feces in the Chesapeake. It’s only now this is being mandated. [Washington Post]
• There are more people than ever riding the Metro and for shorter distances than ever. [DC Examiner]
• Oh, finally, some much-needed vapid musings about orchids, and some inept drawings of some other people, who are all missing several limbs, who also muse vapidly about orchids. [Washington Independent]

DOES THIS MEAN THAT IT HAS TO STOP?: “WASHINGTON - A Metro station manager and a Metro custodian were arrested on prostitution charges after an undercover transit police investigation found they arranged sexual trysts for money from inside the Dupont Circle Metro station.” Oh boy! Apparently the station manager was the contact on a flier advertising “sex trips” to Brazil. Are those still on, or do we get refunds? [Examiner]