Wonkette

• This mom just gave her daughter some vodka, so why was she arrested for giving her child the best 13th birthday party ever? Was it because later that 13 year old went to the ER with alcohol poisoning? Or was it because the jealous police were just a bunch of losers when they were in middle school? [DCist]
• This DC police officer was arrested for embezzling $180k using some complicated speeding ticket scheme that turns out not to have worked anyway. [WTOP]
• Maryland farmers can no longer dump chicken feces in the Chesapeake. It’s only now this is being mandated. [Washington Post]
• There are more people than ever riding the Metro and for shorter distances than ever. [DC Examiner]
• Oh, finally, some much-needed vapid musings about orchids, and some inept drawings of some other people, who are all missing several limbs, who also muse vapidly about orchids. [Washington Independent]

DOES THIS MEAN THAT IT HAS TO STOP?: “WASHINGTON - A Metro station manager and a Metro custodian were arrested on prostitution charges after an undercover transit police investigation found they arranged sexual trysts for money from inside the Dupont Circle Metro station.” Oh boy! Apparently the station manager was the contact on a flier advertising “sex trips” to Brazil. Are those still on, or do we get refunds? [Examiner]

Aside from John McCain, no person or organization cares as much about global warming as the fine folks operating Washington D.C.’s Metro system, which is doing heavy business this time of year shuttling fannypacked tourist families to historical locations that promise to disappoint. That’s on top of the many “Regulars” who take the Metro to work and back daily — not because they want to avoid traffic, but because they want to reduce carbon emissions! According to this new Metro ad, the “average Regular” of this sort is a fat, stomping black lady with a truck who leaves Bigfoot-sized tar footprints all over her ghetto except when she’s sitting on a Metro train, serenaded by birds. [YouTube]

Barack Obama has raised $196 million dollars for his campaign in the last minute. Still, he insists upon charging some people five dollars for a sign to put in their front yards. What is wrong with him? In a column for Boston’s Metro, a Philly writer has put it all into strange perspective. And yes, it involves terrorism somehow. MORE »

One of those New York liberal media elites, Jennifer 8. Lee of the New York Times‘ City Room blog, came across this fantastic DC Metro ad this week, and now she’s getting very “New York Angry” about it. Metro denies the “nameless” rat-infested death rail in question is the New York Subway. But you try stopping a New York blogger on the war path: “City Room will say, sure, Washington’s system may be rat-free, but its subway map also has all the sophistication of Fisher Price.” True! But at least the Metro doesn’t have a number as its middle name. [City Room]

*THIS CAN’T BE THE FIRST TIME:* Bill Clinton’s meanness got you down? Well here’s something neat: some random blogger spotted “two big poops” on the DC Metro today. [Jesus Saves, I Spend via Free Ride]

Some people laughed when a group of dirty hippies announced their intention to bring New York’s infamous pants-free protest to the more dour environs of the D.C. Metrorail system. Say what you want about “attractive for DC,” but these completely normal people followed through on protesting the drabness that it D.C. by stripping down and riding around, and that takes some stones (metaphorical and otherwise) They even got cursed to aytch-eeh-double-hockey-sticks by an old lady. Also, someone has quite the impressive bulge despite the temperature, but you’ll have to watch to see for yourself.

Every now and then, we come across legitimate excuses to get trashed on a Monday - proof of God’s everlasting love for the working man (and woman, I guess). If you’re still in the District and have yet plan out your New Year’s festivities, you’ve got quite a few options for how to spend your final evening of 2007 (some more expensive than others). It’s been one hell of a year, and we’re going to try to make it one hell of a night. MORE »

Don’t you just love it when some quippy Business Section jackass at the WaPo decides to tackle gentrification on a small business-level, assumes a positive urban-renewal tone but ultimately just says “IT’S A LOT BETTER IN THIS AREA SINCE THE BLACK PEOPLE LEFT”? Well, we had one of those today, about a liquor store. The subhead: “As Rough-Hewn Area Goes Upscale, Merchant Shifts From Beer to Champagne.” What a merrily racist Christmas Eve ’tis! MORE »

George Clooney, the Farsi-speaking rogue federal agent who killed a Saudi prince in either real life or the movie Syriana (forget which), came to our Washingtons over the weekend to film his new movie, Burn After Reading. It’s so fun when a famous person comes to DC! All we have here usually are Joe Schmoes like the President and Congress. MORE »

* Terrorists strike at Farragut North — millions killed, delayed. [why.i.hate.dc]
* “Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD.” [Arjewtino]
* Reading is FUNdamental. [DCist]
* “So, like fat people could create their own nation?” [Eavesdrop DC]
* Fuck the police. [Metroblogging DC]

Deadly SMOKE is crippling DC’s heralded subway system. Two nights in a row now have seen mass outages and evacuations across the entire train network, with mysterious smoke pouring into tunnels and seven trains losing power. Metro officials are bewildered and not even pretending to know what’s going on. Is it terrorism? Is it sabotage? All they’ll tell us is that we must all panic. MORE »

Washington, DC’s beloved subway system is getting a bureaucratic nightmare of a makeover. The Metro — known for its Albert Speer-influenced identical oppressive stations, its moldy carpets, its embarrassing 70s color scheme, and the fact that it’s designed around funneling douchebags in and out of the center of the city from their walled suburban outposts of safe whiteness without regard to ease of intra-city travel for people who actually live here — is more or less impervious to improvement because its board is made up of 80-year-old rich people who hate change. MORE »

We like to start our Tuesdays on a bright note, and here’s some great news from our Virginia friends: barring a number of possible (and in some cases very probable) set-backs, you might be able to take the train the rest of the way to Dulles in nine years! If you’re still alive! MORE »