• RED LINE KILLS AGAIN: “Metro reports a person was struck and killed by a Red Line train at Forest Glen this afternoon. The transit authority said it appeared the person was on the tracks deliberately.” Yeah they always say that. [Washington Post]

Intern Jack: How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are both supposed to be organizing paperclips?
Intern Algernon: What are American muffins? Do you think they have them in America?
Intern Jack: Fuck if I know. [Spotted: DC Summer Interns] MORE »

METRO CRASH KILLS 2, 6, 9, INJURES 55 76: Red line trains smash up and stack up near the Ft. Totten Metro station, and emergency teams have reportedly just finished the “extraction.” Traffic jams, ambulances trying to get in and out, just avoid the whole area. Ugh. [WTOP/DCist]

It must be Sweeps Week in another version of reality, as Leon Wieseltier, New Republic’s ranking number two funny old man with funny old racist ideas, guest stars on All About Steve, a teevee show, to play the head of the FLO, the Freudian Liberation Organization. [DCist] MORE »

It doesn’t matter whether the National Zoo’s panda’s uterus is half full or half empty—the important thing is how you look at it. [DCist] MORE »

Friday, April 3: Christian Finnegan of Chapelle’s Show and Best Week Ever fame comes to DC Improv till Sunday. Listen to his comedy bit about the DC metro system, which is he says is “the fucking Tron compared to NYC subways, where there’s always someone “twisting one off in the corner.” Gross. [DC Improv] MORE »

The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority now has its own fancy Facebook page. Change has come! MORE »

H St. NE is such a bitch to get to, but thankfully, someone was smart enough to realize that the only reason no one ever goes down to H St. is because it’s inaccessible and that the X2 bus sucks. Also, H St. can be a bit of a sketchy place. There are prostitutes, homeless people and drug dealers all over the sidewalks, and that’s why you need a cute little shuttle bus with a sleek logo to help you safely traverse the city. MORE »

• METRO COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY 9:25 A.M.: Yeah so all that planning the city did to make sure public transportation operates smoothly on Inauguration Day? Utter failure. One 68-year-old gal falls on the train tracks and next thing you know, officials have to shut down Metro Center and Gallery Place/Chinatown, the two most important Metro stops, basically. [WP]

• ODDLY HILARIOUS HYPERBOLIC QUOTES FROM CITY OFFICIALS WHO ARE FREAKING OUT OVER INAUGURATION LOGISTICS, TUESDAY EDITION: “It is going to be the most challenging day in the history of Metro.” [WTOP]

• The National Zoo is getting an exciting aerial tram, for sky views of Tian Tian and Mei Xiang and maybe Knut, way in the distance. [DCist]
• Here’s a list of all the fancy D.C. schools Sasha and Malia might attend, which features Insider Knowledge like mission statements copied and pasted from the schools’ websites and Google Earth fotos. [HuffPost]
• The Metro, which was comically and incidentally swindled by AIG, is now looking for a $400 million bailout. John McCain will suspend replaying the past year in his head, over and over again, to assist in the crisis. [WTOP]
• Why all your desperate emails for Barry’s 1st Inauguration tickets remain unanswered. [Washington Post]
• Writers can now compete for the Bob Novak Collegiate Journalism Award, which will be awarded to the young journalist who can kill the most hobos with his/her sports car without drinking. [Fishbowl DC]