Tag Archives: metro

  women be shopping

Have You Ever Noticed That Ladies Are So Dumb And Stupid? The Washington DC Metro Has!

Hey bitchez. Whatcha doin’? Being stupid bitches? That sounds about right. Here, for instance, is a documentary prepared by some cool guy at whoever does the in-house documentaries for the DC Metro public transportation system, which everyone loves very much, and it is all about how their buses only break down every 8,000 miles, so give them a medal please. Also it is about ladies, and how they are so dumb. Read more on Have You Ever Noticed That Ladies Are So Dumb And Stupid? The Washington DC Metro Has!…
  oh neat a new movie

‘Go To Hell Barack’ Metro Ad Will Stay Despite Congressman’s Mean Letter

Virginia Congressman Jim Moran was none too pleased when he heard about the ad shown above, which says “Barack Obama wants politicians and bureaucrats to control America’s entire medical system. Go to hell Barack” and can be found in the Clarendon, Virginia Metro station. (Sorry if this post is “inside baseball,” since it involves the local transportation system.) Some goober paid $800 to put it up as an advertisement for his movie, about how ObamaCare will murder every last American by, who knows, providing them preventative care visits for no co-pay? Or perhaps it’s the free abortions… Read more on ‘Go To Hell Barack’ Metro Ad Will Stay Despite Congressman’s Mean Letter…
  what bomb is this?

Flashing Terrorist ‘Christmas Ornament’ Nearly Destroys Pentagon

A “blinking Christmas ornament” was put in the trash at the Pentagon Metro stop this morning, so of course the station had to be shut down, because terrorism. Officials told the AP they “took it seriously,” which is what they always do, even though they should be racist-profiling blinking Eid ornaments, not Christmas ornaments. The terrorist ornament was apprehended at the trash can and x-rayed, though the Pentagon police apparently thought it was safe enough not to have to scan its reindeer genitals or whatever. We may not have expected the War on Terror to merge with the War on Christmas, but then again, we didn’t expect the virgin Saddam Hussein to give birth to a man named Osama bin Laden, did we? But, actually, we suspect this is the work of a good-hearted Secret Santa. Read more on Flashing Terrorist ‘Christmas Ornament’ Nearly Destroys Pentagon…
  district of cord

The Great DC Drag Queen Race

Up in New York City, the gay bars are called things like “The Cock,” and the go-go boys start going full-nude at about 4 PM. In Los Angeles, all of West Hollywood is gay — especially your favorite action movie heroes. But in DC, “go-go” is a junkyard music I’m still trying to like, and the most popular gay bar is a fratty (but fun!) sports club full of straight people. Read more on The Great DC Drag Queen Race…
  district of cord

DC Men’s Shoes For Clowns and Elves, Not Men

A very kind, smart, attractive young woman I know took grave exception with my denunciation of those medallion shoes all the District’s WASPy women seem to fancy. While willing to admit that perhaps they were, indeed, crap shoes, she was angry that I’d not leveled a similar attack on the preferred footwear of DC men. I’d never particularly noticed the footwear of DC men, but she was right! Read more on DC Men’s Shoes For Clowns and Elves, Not Men…
  district of cord

DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans

Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really sort of fine part of town that idiot teabaggers call a “gay area.” Lawyers are mad at some burger joint and the burger joint people are all, “Screw you, stupid lawyers” — meaning, they lost to the law firm. I am an unpatriotic vegetarian, so it is educational to watch people get angry about the ground-meat sandwiches! Read more on DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans…
  district of cord

DC Sloths Can’t Stop Complaining About Broken Escalators

This smarmy crybaby in pleated trousers was just bitching so loudly because the escalator at the Shaw metro stop was “broken” yesterday. He was a grown man eating a candy bar, which is against The Subway Rules in the first place, and his too-pretty-for-him girlfriend was in those weird ballet shoes with the Neverending Story medallions on them. (Why is this a thing now?) She nodded her head in taut agreement when he said the outage was “ridiculous,” and you could tell theirs was one of those relationships with a severe pleasure imbalance in the bedroom. Read more on DC Sloths Can’t Stop Complaining About Broken Escalators…
  chocolate city

Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death

What do you do when a young black man you don’t even know dies in a hail of gang-related gunfire? To be honest, I don’t do much but briefly consider the crushing absurdity of violence before getting on with my day. I’m not a particularly religious man, but you might say a little prayer for the deceased, which is fine too! What nobody should ever do is use the young man’s life and death to make some cheap point about how black people really are dangerous thugs. You know who does that? Scummy Tea Party idiots from our recent history. Read more on Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death…
  district of cord

Shameful DC Man Joins Yuppie Cult

As long as Wonkette keeps calling people “Quiznos-stuffed slobs” and “corn-syrup-chugging Hot Pockets monsters,” I figure that it’s only fair that I try not being a wheezing lard burden on society myself. Thus, I’ve been trying frickin’ yoga, an increasingly popular DC pastime in which pretentious people get to sometimes literally sniff each other’s butts like spoiled dogs who went to Ivy League schools and know how to use iPhones. Yay for exercise as a rich person thing! Read more on Shameful DC Man Joins Yuppie Cult…
  chocolate city

Glenn Beck Loonies Not Looking Forward To DC’s Black People

On the one hand, Washington is the perfect venue for this Saturday’s Glenn Beck Caveman Jamboree/Eagle Cookout: Not only are there goddamn Subways everywhere — the better to measure your salami and Ranch dressing intake in inches — but it’s a scientific fact that the homeless urinate on DC’s public transportation 90% less than they do in New York City, which smells like garbage and diapers all summer anyway. On the other hand, though: THE BLACKS! Read more on Glenn Beck Loonies Not Looking Forward To DC’s Black People…
  rumors on the internets

Spain Adopts Cuban Exiles, Sinks ‘The Maine’ All Over Again

Diaper Pants David Vitter joked he would never let Rachel Maddow put diapers on him, because that would be gross: Rachel Maddow has man-features! And then David Vitter apologized to Rachel Maddow and his entire family, as is his wont. [Washington Post] Read more on Spain Adopts Cuban Exiles, Sinks ‘The Maine’ All Over Again…
  stand back door's closing

Phase One of Evil Metro Fare Increases Coming Sunday

DO ANY AND ALL TRAVELING WITHIN THE D.C. AREA THAT YOU WILL NEED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. This Sunday socialist death cartel Metro is raising bus and rail fares $0.25 to $0.35. SmarTrip (isn’t that cool how they combined the “T,” and not dumb at all?) cards have been lowered to $2.50, so that’s nice. There will now be DVD kiosks at stations too, so Washingtonians can sneer at suburban moms pulling Paul Blart: Mall Cop out of the machine. And lastly, it was announced 14 people will die and 57 will be injured somewhere on the Blue Line next week. [Washington Post] Read more on Phase One of Evil Metro Fare Increases Coming Sunday…
  rumors on the internets

DC Metro A Perfect Example Of Why White People Should Buy Cars

A reporter for hot gossip emporium Yeas & Nays was “publicly berated” for asking Sean Penn why he wished a bout of rectal cancer upon her posterior. [Washington Examiner] The ACLU is suing a Mississippi high school that canceled its prom as a precautionary measure intended to discourage lesbian girls from attending its prom. The high school will inevitably argue that this is a perfectly legal thing to do, according to the Patriot Act. [Think Progress] Read more on DC Metro A Perfect Example Of Why White People Should Buy Cars…
  wonkette transit desk

STUPID RED LINE, WHAT WITH THE CONSTANT BREAKING: “The front wheels of the first car of a Red Line train derailed at 10:13 a.m. as it was approaching the Farragut North Metro station. Passengers are being evacuated and no injuries have been reported. Other Red Line trains are being turned back from Farragut North, and streets in the area of the station have been shut down. Emergency personnel are on the scene, waiting for any possible patients and also apparently shutting off pedestrian access to the station.” Happy “Back To The Office Day,” commuters! [Washington Post] Read more on …
  metro section

Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer

While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated forever. Happy Thanksgiving, you degenerate stoners! Read more on Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer… Read more on Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer…
  metro section

DC-Area Male Pines For The Tender Lips Of Ezra Klein

Knock-knock! Ezra Klein, are you there? So. There is sexual predator that rides the same bus as you. He knows your name. He likes you. In a sexual way. Next time you take the bus, look around you. Is there a strange man staring at you as he touches himself? THAT’S HIM! [DCist] Read more on DC-Area Male Pines For The Tender Lips Of Ezra Klein…
  metro section

Have You Signed Your ‘Real World’ STD Waiver Yet? Oh, You Simply Must

Before you appear on a reality tee-vee program, make sure to read the STD clause in your release very carefully. Very very carefully. Because MTV will not fix your genitals if you dry-hump a love sack and then contract the crotch rot. Contractually, MTV is simply not responsible. It’s in your contract, understand? Good. Now sign here please. [Washington Examiner] Read more on Have You Signed Your ‘Real World’ STD Waiver Yet? Oh, You Simply Must… Read more on Have You Signed Your ‘Real World’ STD Waiver Yet? Oh, You Simply Must…
 

There Is Never An Excuse To Use A Segway

How did you get to work today?  Hopefully you risked your life and took the Metro.  Or did you drive? Because if you did, you’re in big, big trouble.  It’s Car Free Day DC, which means that walking, biking, and mass transit are the only acceptable means to get from point A to point B today. Even if you’re that cool and you always take the Metro, today DC celebrates all non-drivers for their service to the country and looks down on those who actually drove on this beloved day. Read more on There Is Never An Excuse To Use A Segway…
  investigate them too

WHAT WAS METRO THINKING?

Rep. Kevin Brady of fuckin’ Texas wants — in the words of the Wall Street Journal here, okay? — “an explanation of why the government-run subway system didn’t, in his view, adequately prepare for this past weekend’s rally to protest government spending and government services. Seriously.” +1. Read more on WHAT WAS METRO THINKING?…
  metro section

Those Were Some of the Most Humid Days of My Life / Back In the Terrible Summer of ’09

Summer. It’s over, and not even Bryan Adams can make it sound sexy (you might have bought that six-string at the five-and-dime, but MJ is fucking dead). Anyway, an intern needs your help. Last night he smoked a marijuana cigarette. Will John Ensign ask him to pee in a Dixie cup? True or False? [Spotted: DC Summer Interns] Read more on Those Were Some of the Most Humid Days of My Life / Back In the Terrible Summer of ’09… Read more on Those Were Some of the Most Humid Days of My Life / Back In the Terrible Summer of ’09…
  metro section

Metro’s Twitter Wins A Pulitzer

Who twitters for Metro? Tolstoy? You cannot write long-winded descriptions of the Great Steppe of Russia, where the peasants are honest and work with their hands (and the Metro stop has no working escalators). Sorry Leo, there’s a 140-character limit. [Unsuck Metro DC] Read more on Metro’s Twitter Wins A Pulitzer… Read more on Metro’s Twitter Wins A Pulitzer…
  metro section

Obama Crashes Metrobus, Is Charged With Driving Without A Birth Certificate

OH GREAT JOB everybody. You were all too busy downloading penis enlargement pills, and paying for cheese pizza over the Internet, to bother using our nation’s postal service! Now the USPS is downsizing, and it might even stop delivering mail on Saturday, the Jewish sabbath (!?). Kiss your Christian Nation goodbye. [DCist] Read more on Obama Crashes Metrobus, Is Charged With Driving Without A Birth Certificate… Read more on Obama Crashes Metrobus, Is Charged With Driving Without A Birth Certificate…