While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated forever. Happy Thanksgiving, you degenerate stoners! MORE »

Knock-knock! Ezra Klein, are you there? So. There is sexual predator that rides the same bus as you. He knows your name. He likes you. In a sexual way. Next time you take the bus, look around you. Is there a strange man staring at you as he touches himself? THAT’S HIM! [DCist] MORE »

Before you appear on a reality tee-vee program, make sure to read the STD clause in your release very carefully. Very very carefully. Because MTV will not fix your genitals if you dry-hump a love sack and then contract the crotch rot. Contractually, MTV is simply not responsible. It’s in your contract, understand? Good. Now sign here please. [Washington Examiner] MORE »

How did you get to work today?  Hopefully you risked your life and took the Metro.  Or did you drive? Because if you did, you’re in big, big trouble.  It’s Car Free Day DC, which means that walking, biking, and mass transit are the only acceptable means to get from point A to point B today. Even if you’re that cool and you always take the Metro, today DC celebrates all non-drivers for their service to the country and looks down on those who actually drove on this beloved day. MORE »

Rep. Kevin Brady of fuckin’ Texas wants — in the words of the Wall Street Journal here, okay? — “an explanation of why the government-run subway system didn’t, in his view, adequately prepare for this past weekend’s rally to protest government spending and government services. Seriously.” +1. MORE »

Summer. It’s over, and not even Bryan Adams can make it sound sexy (you might have bought that six-string at the five-and-dime, but MJ is fucking dead). Anyway, an intern needs your help. Last night he smoked a marijuana cigarette. Will John Ensign ask him to pee in a Dixie cup? True or False? [Spotted: DC Summer Interns] MORE »

Who twitters for Metro? Tolstoy? You cannot write long-winded descriptions of the Great Steppe of Russia, where the peasants are honest and work with their hands (and the Metro stop has no working escalators). Sorry Leo, there’s a 140-character limit. [Unsuck Metro DC]
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OH GREAT JOB everybody. You were all too busy downloading penis enlargement pills, and paying for cheese pizza over the Internet, to bother using our nation’s postal service! Now the USPS is downsizing, and it might even stop delivering mail on Saturday, the Jewish sabbath (!?). Kiss your Christian Nation goodbye. [DCist] MORE »

• RED LINE KILLS AGAIN: “Metro reports a person was struck and killed by a Red Line train at Forest Glen this afternoon. The transit authority said it appeared the person was on the tracks deliberately.” Yeah they always say that. [Washington Post]

Intern Jack: How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are both supposed to be organizing paperclips?
Intern Algernon: What are American muffins? Do you think they have them in America?
Intern Jack: Fuck if I know. [Spotted: DC Summer Interns] MORE »

METRO CRASH KILLS 2, 6, 9, INJURES 55 76: Red line trains smash up and stack up near the Ft. Totten Metro station, and emergency teams have reportedly just finished the “extraction.” Traffic jams, ambulances trying to get in and out, just avoid the whole area. Ugh. [WTOP/DCist]

It must be Sweeps Week in another version of reality, as Leon Wieseltier, New Republic’s ranking number two funny old man with funny old racist ideas, guest stars on All About Steve, a teevee show, to play the head of the FLO, the Freudian Liberation Organization. [DCist] MORE »

It doesn’t matter whether the National Zoo’s panda’s uterus is half full or half empty—the important thing is how you look at it. [DCist] MORE »

Friday, April 3: Christian Finnegan of Chapelle’s Show and Best Week Ever fame comes to DC Improv till Sunday. Listen to his comedy bit about the DC metro system, which is he says is “the fucking Tron compared to NYC subways, where there’s always someone “twisting one off in the corner.” Gross. [DC Improv] MORE »