Tag: metro

Have You Ever Noticed That Ladies Are So Dumb And Stupid? The Washington DC Metro Has!

Hey bitchez. Whatcha doin'? Being stupid bitches? That sounds about right. Here, for instance, is a documentary prepared by some cool guy at whoever does the in-house documentaries for the DC Metro public transportation system, which everyone loves very...

‘Go To Hell Barack’ Metro Ad Will Stay Despite Congressman’s Mean Letter

Virginia Congressman Jim Moran was none too pleased when he heard about the ad shown above, which says "Barack Obama wants politicians and bureaucrats to control America’s entire medical system. Go to hell Barack" and can be found in...

Flashing Terrorist ‘Christmas Ornament’ Nearly Destroys Pentagon

A "blinking Christmas ornament" was put in the trash at the Pentagon Metro stop this morning, so of course the station had to be shut down, because terrorism. Officials told the AP they "took it seriously," which is what...

The Great DC Drag Queen Race

Up in New York City, the gay bars are called things like "The Cock," and the go-go boys start going full-nude at about 4 PM. In Los Angeles, all of West Hollywood is gay -- especially your favorite action...

DC Men’s Shoes For Clowns and Elves, Not Men

A very kind, smart, attractive young woman I know took grave exception with my denunciation of those medallion shoes all the District's WASPy women seem to fancy. While willing to admit that perhaps they were, indeed, crap shoes, she...

DC Burger Battle Just a Proxy War For Lawyers v. Humans

Besides Bride Wars, Junkyard Wars and Star Wars, my favorite military engagements are burger wars. Lucky for me, and unlucky for dignity, there are actual adults currently waging a burger war in the heart of Dupont Circle, a really...

DC Sloths Can’t Stop Complaining About Broken Escalators

This smarmy crybaby in pleated trousers was just bitching so loudly because the escalator at the Shaw metro stop was "broken" yesterday. He was a grown man eating a candy bar, which is against The Subway Rules in the...

Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death

What do you do when a young black man you don't even know dies in a hail of gang-related gunfire? To be honest, I don't do much but briefly consider the crushing absurdity of violence before getting on with...

Shameful DC Man Joins Yuppie Cult

As long as Wonkette keeps calling people "Quiznos-stuffed slobs” and “corn-syrup-chugging Hot Pockets monsters,” I figure that it's only fair that I try not being a wheezing lard burden on society myself. Thus, I've been trying frickin' yoga, an...

Glenn Beck Loonies Not Looking Forward To DC’s Black People

On the one hand, Washington is the perfect venue for this Saturday's Glenn Beck Caveman Jamboree/Eagle Cookout: Not only are there goddamn Subways everywhere -- the better to measure your salami and Ranch dressing intake in inches -- but...

Spain Adopts Cuban Exiles, Sinks ‘The Maine’ All Over Again

Diaper Pants David Vitter joked he would never let Rachel Maddow put diapers on him, because that would be gross: Rachel Maddow has man-features! And then David Vitter apologized to Rachel Maddow and his entire family, as is his...

Phase One of Evil Metro Fare Increases Coming Sunday

DO ANY AND ALL TRAVELING WITHIN THE D.C. AREA THAT YOU WILL NEED TO DO IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW. This Sunday socialist death cartel Metro is raising bus and rail fares $0.25 to $0.35. SmarTrip (isn't that cool...

DC Metro A Perfect Example Of Why White People Should Buy Cars

A reporter for hot gossip emporium Yeas & Nays was "publicly berated" for asking Sean Penn why he wished a bout of rectal cancer upon her posterior. The ACLU is suing a Mississippi high school that canceled its prom...

STUPID RED LINE, WHAT WITH THE CONSTANT BREAKING: "The front wheels of the first car of a Red Line train derailed at 10:13 a.m. as it was approaching the Farragut North Metro station. Passengers are being evacuated and no...

Child Slave Finds Jesse Helms Fossil, Gives It To Her Smithsonian Overseer

While you were at home stuffing turkey into your tongue cave with a fork lift, DEA agents and Navy SEALs were napalming the dickens out of Boone Forest, which means all of your evil marijuana plants are now incinerated...

DC-Area Male Pines For The Tender Lips Of Ezra Klein

Knock-knock! Ezra Klein, are you there? So. There is sexual predator that rides the same bus as you. He knows your name. He likes you. In a sexual way. Next time you take the bus, look around you. Is...