Tag Archives: meth

  Needed: A Lab-Door Retreiver

PSA: Don’t Make Meth In Federal Labs And Blow Them Up. You Might Lose Your Job.

Trixie would totally make meth. Might do already.
One more thing to add to your New Employee Handbook: Please do not cook meth in your workplace. A law enforcement officer at a federal lab has resigned after an explosion destroyed a security door in a building at the National Institute of Standards and Technology in Gaithersburg, Maryland, last Saturday. Montgomery County police believe an employee at the lab may have been attempting to manufacture methamphetamine. It is not believed that any alligators were involved in the incident, which is why we’re not quite ready to deploy the coveted gnome-vomiting-rainbows graphic. Read more on PSA: Don’t Make Meth In Federal Labs And Blow Them Up. You Might Lose Your Job….
  Wonkette movie review

A Story About Mexican Drug Violence Donald Trump Is Too Weak To Tell

Donald Trump has become persona non grata among decent people these days, because he said Mexican immigrants are “bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists.” Sure, he allowed that some Mexicans are just the sweetest, except for the rape. Thursday, former Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer affirmed that she thinks Trump is completely right, that illegal immigration is out of control, and that the desert in Arizona is literally impassable these days, due to all the headless corpses. However, underneath xenophobic, racist, hateful, broad-brushing, nativist remarks like these, is there a grain of truth? Is there a story to be told here? Did you idiots even watch “Breaking Bad”? Read more on A Story About Mexican Drug Violence Donald Trump Is Too Weak To Tell…
  news aggre-gator

It’s Another Oregon Meth-Bust Alligator Story!

What is it about Drugs-N-Gators? What compels so many people with drugs to also have a member of Alligator mississipiensis on hand? Is it because gators are tough? Or useful in protecting one’s stash, as in the classic example of the drug gator genre? Or are there just more people with drugs and people with alligators than we had currently given any thought to, and so it shouldn’t be surprising when the two sets intersect? It is a mystery, and while we’re not all that surprised by weird alligator stories from Florida, it seems there’s no shortage of alligators in the Pacific Northwest, at least among the criminal set. Which brings us to this headline from our local CBS affiliate: Sheriff: 8 arrested with guns, drugs and an alligator. Admittedly, it’s no “Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar,” which is why it doesn’t get the Gnome Vomiting Rainbows pic. But ’tis enough, ’twill serve. Read more on It’s Another Oregon Meth-Bust Alligator Story!…
  trailer park superhero: the methturbator

Oregon Meth Binge Generates 2013’s Greatest Headline

We didn’t think that any story could possibly top the November 2012 headline from Scott Lake, Washington: Two Alligators, A Pole Dancer And Pot At Olympia Area Shooting Scene. And yet we knew it was at least theoretically possible, however unlikely. And now, dear readers, we may finally have a winner — we’ll let you decide. From aggregation site PoliceOne.com, we present the new challenger: Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar. Whaddya think, sirs and mesdames? Read more on Oregon Meth Binge Generates 2013’s Greatest Headline…
  reasonable explanations

Doctor Testifies Homeless Man Kelly Thomas Killed By Meth, Not All That Beating By Police

In Fullerton, California, a forensic pathologist testified that a homeless man didn’t die from being beaten and tasered in 2011. Nah, that was just what was going on at the time when his heart happened to fail because he was a meth addict: Dr. Steven Karch, the final witness for two former city police officers charged with killing Kelly Thomas, said the homeless man suffered from methamphetamine cardiomyopathy, a weakening of the heart caused by drug abuse. “He could have died sitting in a closet by himself,” Karch said. Except he wasn’t sitting in a closet (why a closet, for chrissakes?), he was being beaten by cops, which was just one of those whatchacall coincidences. Talk about unfortunate timing for the poor innocent Fullerton cops. Read more on Doctor Testifies Homeless Man Kelly Thomas Killed By Meth, Not All That Beating By Police…
  drugs are bad mmmkay?

Breaking Bad Legos-Not-Legos Toyset Greatly Outrages Perennially Outraged Daily Mail

What is with the Brits these days? Seems like all they do is get outraged with America now, whether it’s our ????? in Syria, or some toy based on our teevee shows — like this newest example of most amazing unlicensed awesomeness, a fake-lego set awesomely called “Bricking Bad” that is inspiring “outrage” (on twitter!) for concern troll Daily Mail: Children can now build their own drug dens with a shocking new play kit inspired by TV show Breaking Bad. The sell-out £160 kit, branded ‘SuperLab’, lets any child or adult recreate Walter White’s notorious crystal meth lab. Complete with protective masks, drug paraphernalia, figurines and a version of the car from the show, infants can even reenact scenes from the series. The toy looks similar to a classic Lego set, although it is not connected to the Danish company in any way and was made by a separate firm. Erm, no. Infants should not play with any kind of Legos, Daily Mail, not even fake-Lego meth labs, because, choking hazard. And not just any child or adult can do this, as this thing costs £160, which is like, a million American dollars and we are having a hard time feeding our kids lunch. This set is obviously for grown ups who like to play with toys and we have some toys we like very much that we would also not let our children play with, so back up off of us. Read more on Breaking Bad Legos-Not-Legos Toyset Greatly Outrages Perennially Outraged Daily Mail…
  sweet judy blue eyes

Gretchen Carlson All Hung Up on Her Right to Buy Sudafed

With her eyes bugging out of her head just so — that’s how you know when she means BIZNESS! — Gretchen Carlson took a whack or 40 at Eric Holder, the Justice Department, and anybody in the world who would, say, see terrible stories about 96-year-old ladies being denied the ID they’d need to vote because they were born before birth certificates or something, and think ‘Hmmm, I would not like that to happen to my own 96-year-old mother, and is voter fraud even really a problem anyway, it probably isn’t since James O’Keefe says it is.’ Hold it right there, SIR! Gretchen Carlson has a thing or five to yell at you! Read more on Gretchen Carlson All Hung Up on Her Right to Buy Sudafed…
  sexytime

Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime

Do you see that lady? She is Nadia Lockyer, Alameda County, California, supervisor. Do you see that man? That is her husband, California state Treasurer Bill Lockyer. We know, right? So you could maybe understand why she has been having (allegedly) meth-feuled sex-tape sexytime with some dude she met in rehab (because of course), and then she (allegedly) straight-up beat that dude’s ass when it looked like he was still boning other ladies. Read more on Nation’s Sexiest Supervisor in Meth-Fueled Sex-Tape Sexytime…
  satanic swingers

Gay Meth Sex Preacher Set To Star In Episode of ‘Celebrity Wife Swap’

Meth-hungry gay hooker aficionado and Jesus salesman Ted “Swear I’m Not A Homo” Haggard is back in the news for agreeing to sell his wife to Gary Busey on national television in exchange for money that they will each be paid for doing this, as “popular entertainment.” We sincerely hope that the tapes of this show are the last remaining evidence of humanity when aliens discover the charred remains of Earth, in 2024: Read more on Gay Meth Sex Preacher Set To Star In Episode of ‘Celebrity Wife Swap’…
  south park characters

Ted Haggard Would Be Bisexual If He Was a Hott 21-Year-Old

Former leading Bush evangelical megachurch pastor/guy who did crystal meth with gay prostitutes Ted Haggard is featured in the February issue of Gentlemen’s Quarterly, so that gentlemen can remove their top hats and waistcoats, sit down at the chair with some light reading, and laugh at him. “I cried when the Chilean miners got rescued. I cry when I watch Undercover Boss. I cry at anything that shows people being people. I’m a wreck,” he says. Sure. And then there’s stuff like this, of course: “We never had sex sex… I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he masturbated me at the end of it. That’s it.” Oh, and: “I think that probably, if I were 21 in this society, I would identify myself as a bisexual.” Read more on Ted Haggard Would Be Bisexual If He Was a Hott 21-Year-Old…
  it's morning in america

Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison

Tom DeLay is back in court today for the “sentencing phase” of his trial. Although DeLay “faces up to life in prison on the money laundering charge and up to 20 years on the conspiracy charge,” he is also “white” and “eligible for probation.” And apparently many Experts believe he will receive probation. Haha, oh fuck. It would be simply beguiling if Tom DeLay spent even a week in prison, but God hates us so of course this won’t happen. So yeah, just to recap: Tom DeLay is a corrupt public servant who laundered hundreds of thousands of dollars, and now he will probably have to volunteer at his local Humane Society. Meanwhile, some black guy somewhere is spending twenty years behind bars for not calling a police officer “sir.” [AP] Read more on Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison… Read more on Rich White Guy Tom DeLay Probably Won’t Go To Prison…
  it's morning in america

New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers

From the noble Brownstones of Brooklyn to the hilltop villas of Malibu that fall onto incoming traffic whenever there’s a mudslide, America is full of architectural gems. So it’s rather worrisome that New Orleans officials are planning to rid their city of the last remaining FEMA trailers — national treasures which are widely recognized as horrible and “all the proof you need that George W. Bush hates black/poor people.” Christ, these are probably the same vintage trailers (circa 2006) that contain obscene levels of toxic formaldehyde gas. Are people really still living in these poisonous tin cans? And is there any remaining doubt that we are a Failed State? Good grief, “Happy New Year.” [AP] Read more on New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers… Read more on New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers…
  finally!

WorldNetDaily Needs Your Donations For Birth Certificate Billboards

The most important thing you can do for your country at this moment is buy a “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?” billboard, but you probably don’t know where to start. “How do I make a sign that big?” you’re asking yourself, “And how do I get the money? Small businesses are hurting everywhere, including my own meth lab.” WorldNetDaily has made it easy for you. WorldNetDaily has always made it easy for you. And they are proud to announce a charitable fund to which you can donate to save this nation from having a black man as its leader. “What I need Americans to understand is that this billboard campaign is working,” said head WND intellectual Joseph Farah, according to this press release thing. “There is no shortage of billboards available to us. The only thing there’s a shortage of is the money to erect them. We need to raise tens of thousands of dollars a month just to keep them in place.” Read more on WorldNetDaily Needs Your Donations For Birth Certificate Billboards…
  the alaskan howard hughes

Looks Like Sarah Palin Has Bagged On Yet Another Fundraiser

NEWS SHOCKER: Meg Stapleton, holder of the World’s Worst Job as spokeswoman for an increasingly fragile and erratic unemployed publicity hound, had to once again explain at the very last minute how Sarah Palin would not be headlining an event that the event organizers thought she would be headlining. This happens every five days or so, so Meg should probably just have some boilerplate text cooked up to explain these embarrassing incidents. Read more on Looks Like Sarah Palin Has Bagged On Yet Another Fundraiser…
  america's mayor

Wasilla Is Meth Capital Of Alaska, Of Course

Like Sarah Palin said last night, mayors have Actual Responsibilities, unlike community organizers who just help poor people stay alive after their steel plant jobs are outsourced. And Sarah Palin’s responsibilities included funding “the meth capitol of Alaska,” as Alaskan State Troopers call the Wasilla region: “When authorities surrounded a converted bus housing a meth operation in Big Lake in January, a 13-year-old boy who answered the door bragged that his mom cooked the best meth in the valley, according to the troopers.” See? In Alaska, “Hockey Mom” is code for “Arctic Meth Princess.” [Andrew Sullivan] Read more on Wasilla Is Meth Capital Of Alaska, Of Course…
 

Rumors On The Internets: It’s Truthilicious

* Mexican drug lords say a little prayer every night for Barack Obama, without whom none of their meth profits would be possible. [Hit & Run] * Walnuts kept from going nuts in Vietnamese prisons by rubbing one out to Nancy Ronald Reagan every night. [YouTube] * Giuliani’s running not because of maniacal power lust, but because he thinks people want him to. [Freakonomics] * Guy who calls Dick Cheney “Dad” also makes the call on what “sex for visa” and “air marshal drug smuggling” gets swept under the rug at DHS. [Think Progress] * “Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris has won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.” [World Net Daily] * Mike Huckabee already plans to give up campaign, book sales doing fine. [Political Wire] * Wanted: one military operation name thinker-upper, knowledge of history or familiarity with comic books a plus. [Rising Hegemon] * Red, white and blue “Stephen Colberry” ice cream coming soon to better supermarkets everywhere. [Salon] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: It’s Truthilicious…