Tag Archives: metaphors

  Bumblin' Stumblin' Fumblin'

New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
Back in November, Idea Men John Boehner and Mitch McConnell conserva-splained at America how they would fix Congress now that they’d won the midterms. These Bold, Robust Ideas were intended to unite the party and carry forward the Will of the People, who had Spoken in November. Read more on New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation…
  a journey of the mind

Glenn Beck Worried Progressives Coming To Smother Your Kids With Metaphors

The good folks at RightWing Watch are worried about Glenn Beck’s emotional health; he’s been all over the place lately, what with the condom gloves and the messy breakup with Michele Bachmann and his strange fantasies about memorials for Rush Limbaugh. At the moment, he seems to be on an upswing; he’s ditched the ballcap and three-day beard, and is back in a blue suit, telling America that he’s still in the (*sniff*) fight, because He Cares. And what has gotten the wind back in his sails? The same thing that has always inspired him — saving America from the Progressive Threat, which is now a home-invading child-murderer: Read more on Glenn Beck Worried Progressives Coming To Smother Your Kids With Metaphors…
  nugent speaks

Ted Nugent Has More ‘Metaphors’ About Shooting People To Death, Again

Ted Nugent, a wise and gentle seeker of cosmic truth, as well as a known lover of humanity and rainbows and raping people into submission, has made words with the butt on his face again, and would you be surprised to learn they involve shooting people with guns? We will wait as you pick yourself up off the floor, onto which we have just knocked you with this here feather. Read more on Ted Nugent Has More ‘Metaphors’ About Shooting People To Death, Again…
  What's a Meta For?

Rhode Island Prof Learns Only Wingnuts Allowed To Use Violent Metaphors

[Updated 12/22/12; see end] So, after the Newtown massacre last Friday, Erik Loomis, a University of Rhode Island history professor, got on the Twitter Machine and expressed the sort of outrage that a lot of people were feeling that day toward the Gun Lobby and its chief: I was heartbroken in the first 20 mass murders. Now I want Wayne LaPierre’s head on a stick. On the internet, this sort of comment is pretty much what you call “mild.” However, Erik Loomis is not merely an academic; he is also a blogger at Lawyers, Guns & Money, and so he is someone whose comments get noticed in the Angersphere. The Daily Caller, for instance, said that Loomis “unleashed a flurry of profanity-ridden tweets demanding death for National Rifle Association executive Wayne LaPierre.” Other wingnuts soon followed in accusing Loomis of making “death threats” against LaPierre, including a genius whose blog breathlessly announced Professor calls for assassination of NRA CEO. And so, it only stands to reason that campus and state police were sent to meet with Loomis after they received multiple reports that he had made death threats; eventually, Loomis began receiving actual death threats of the “I am going to kill you” rather than the metaphorical variety. The university is also receiving many calls and emails calling for Loomis to lose his job — he is not yet tenured. But remember, he started it. Read more on Rhode Island Prof Learns Only Wingnuts Allowed To Use Violent Metaphors…
  clear and present danger

GOP Apologizes For ‘Armed Revolution’ ‘Metaphor’ With Reminder To Shed Blood Of Tyrants

Seems ol’ Diddles McGee at the Greene County, Virginia, GOP, has caught some unfriendly fire after his insane ramblings about how we must have “armed revolution” if Obama succeeds at the ballot box. He tried to pull a Wyclef — “When I say gun, I mean my pen and paper” — and claim it was “a metaphor.” A metaphor? Yes! “Armed revolution” is a metaphor for “violent overthrow of the government.” Gah, didn’t any of you get no schoolin’? They will shoot President Obama with a machine gun of VOTES! But (SADFACE!) the Greene County GOP fired poor Diddles anyway! And then, when they explained how it was not the language they would have used, they reminded us all with great piety of the First Amendment and how it totally protects calls for armed revolution*, and then maybe sort of called for more of the same! Oh you guys! Such kidders! Read more on GOP Apologizes For ‘Armed Revolution’ ‘Metaphor’ With Reminder To Shed Blood Of Tyrants…
  fruits and nuts

Gigantic Radical Homosexual Agenda Busy Tearing Holes In All The Bottoms (VIDEO)

Quick, everybody leave the engine on your Hummer running, all night, with the AC cranked! Sorry the Maldives, but we must use global warming to melt all the icebergs, because gays! Wait what? Oh, humanity is the Titanic, and gays are the iceberg that murders the Titanic. But what does that make Leonardo DiCaprio? It makes him Jesus (“King” of the “World,” amirite?) dying for Kate Winslet’s sins. And who is the drunken captain? (John Boehner.) (Oh wait, that was the Exxon Valdez.) (Did the Titanic have a drunken captain? If you have seen the movie, could you let us know?) What about that captain in Italy who refused to go back on the ship and help save all his passengers? (He is Barack Obama, probably, because he was a shiftless pussy.) Read more on Gigantic Radical Homosexual Agenda Busy Tearing Holes In All The Bottoms (VIDEO)…
  also killed: a pair of tits

Bald Eagle Dies In Line of Duty Being Perfect Metaphor For Our Awful Country

A bald eagle was killed by a train Thursday morning while enjoying breakfast on a stretch of tracks near Abderdeen, according to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. Craig Koppie, an eagle coordinator with the federal agency, said the rare encounter happened in a flash. The bird was eating a deer carcass about 8:30 a.m. as an Amtrak train headed to Washington approached. An engineer spotted the bird and blasted his horn, but the eagle took off too slowly and was hit. Read more on Bald Eagle Dies In Line of Duty Being Perfect Metaphor For Our Awful Country…
  the mind is always on food

Mike Huckabee Waiting Until Summer To Decide If He Wants To Lose Again

While the rest of the Republican field waits to get in, Herman Cain only gets stronger. Mike Huckabee says he will wait until the summer to start running for president, because he learned the last time he ran that it’s hard to raise a lot of money from fellow squirrel-frying entrepreneurs, and people get sick of people who have been running for president for a year before they even vote for them in a primary. But aren’t people already tired of this guy, and his beady eyes and cheap suit? Read more on Mike Huckabee Waiting Until Summer To Decide If He Wants To Lose Again…
  every child is different

Teabag Lady First Person Ever To Use ‘Forced Down Our Throats’ Correctly

If you follow American politics and you have a soul, one of your least favorite phrases is some variation of “forced down our throats.” This is generally used to imply that some law or regulation has gone into effect as a result of an election in which the winning side received 52 to 56 percent of the vote, as typical in a democratic system (e.g., “This health care reform has been rammed down our throats”). It is occasionally hilarious when it involves gayness (e.g., “The tyrannical courts are shoving gay marriage down our throats”) because it makes it clear how much the speaker thinks about hot cocks and the deep-throating thereof. But it’s almost never used in a political context to describe the sorts of things that might actually enter a person’s throat (i.e., food) — until one brave teabagger candidate for the Montana legislature dared speak out against this communist “healthy eating” craze. Read more on Teabag Lady First Person Ever To Use ‘Forced Down Our Throats’ Correctly…
  overcooked foods are terrifying

Freepers So Angry They Will Burn Toast At You!

The latest “put a food item in the mail to Washington, DC in order to send a strongly worded message to whomever” stunt involves … a cooked bread thing! Note that bread does not appear even once in the Constitution, which is a smear on Ron Paul and our other Founding Fathers. This is why only toast can advance the cause of Freedom Read more on Freepers So Angry They Will Burn Toast At You!…
  ...why?

Romney, Huckabee Officially Feuding

Hey MIKE HUCKABEE, Mittens “Willard” Romney sees your new book’s disparaging excerpts directed at him and raises you a brisk retort through “Eric” the traveling spokesman! “This type of pettiness is beneath Mike Huckabee… If we’re going to move the party forward, we need to offer more than personal recriminations. Unfortunately, in this book, Mike Huckabee is consumed with presumed slights, and he seems more interested in settling scores than in bringing people together.” Tragically, the “Mitt Camp” is in the right here and will score some 2012 Points on this. A windfall for Mittens! Well howdy doo about that. Read more on Romney, Huckabee Officially Feuding…
  mama's got a squeeze box

AP McCain Feature Just Chock Full of Awful Metaphors About Accordion Players

It’s the New Associated Press! Less boring facts and whatever, and more shitty, shitty writing like you might find on a Live Journal, for the Retarded. Let’s enjoy some of the dozens of terrible metaphors in today’s AP feature on how John McCain is a shameful old fraud who should be locked in a bag of snakes and dropped down an oil well — no, wait! John McCain is actually like, uh, a person who plays the accordion. Because he’s super old, right?! Uhhh …. Read more on AP McCain Feature Just Chock Full of Awful Metaphors About Accordion Players…
  the limited republican lexicon

Rove To Republicans: Obama Is Totally ‘That Guy’ At The Country Club

Brilliant Republican strategist Karl Rove is not Arrogant, or an Elitist. He has helped his party help poor people and the underrepresented by flying young men and women to Iraq, which they may colonize for a brighter, more prosperous future. Rove knows what an Elitist is, and it is Elitist Barack Obama. This morning, Rove was speaking with a group of poor, Average Americans known as “Republican insiders at the Capitol Hill Club” to describe, in layman’s terms, Barack Obama: he is like “that guy” at the “country club” who, uh, won’t be sociable with the other members. And if Bitters know one thing, it’s the subtle internal politics of country club cocktail hours. Read more on Rove To Republicans: Obama Is Totally ‘That Guy’ At The Country Club…
  daydreamin'

Mike Huckabee Fantasizes About Prom Night Fling With John McCain

As a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee had no money, staff, or knowledge of foreign policy. He did have an economic policy, but it was the Fair Tax, that famously comical pyramid scheme. So how did he get the second most delegates? Metaphors. Extended metaphors. Millions of extended metaphors about key lime pie and yard work and skinning ducks, or other archetypal aspects of the Average American’s daily life. And now that he wants to be John McCain’s vice president, he has a new metaphor to explain the situation: he wants the football captain to ask him to prom, mostly because he wants to wear a pretty dress. Read more on Mike Huckabee Fantasizes About Prom Night Fling With John McCain…
 

Tom Coburn, King of the Tortured Metaphor

The wit and wisdom of Senator Tom Coburn, courtesy GQ. * “And it’s kind of like holding a pet bird. If you hold it too tight, you’ll kill it. And if you hold on to office too tight, you’ll kill our republic.” * On Newt Gingrich: “…like a whipped dog who still barked, yet cowered, in Clinton’s presence.” * “Also Robert Byrd — he knows exactly how to rape the U.S. Treasury and mortgage the future.” * “When you’re delivering a baby,” he said, “and the baby’s getting in trouble, and you can see the baby’s heartbeat, which is normally about 130 or 140 beats per minute, going down to fifty or sixty, and you’re standing there watching it go down, you know you’ve got about three minutes to make a decision. You can use a pair of forceps and try to pull it out, you can use a vacuum extractor, or you can leave labor and delivery, put her on the table, put her to sleep, cut a hole in her belly, and take it out with a C-section — but you’ve got to do something, and you’ve got to do it now. That baby’s life depends on what you do in those three minutes. And that’s exactly where we are in our country today. We are in those critical three minutes. If we wait to act, it’s going to be too late. We’re going to lose the baby.” Read more on Tom Coburn, King of the Tortured Metaphor…
 

Stray Cat Blues

Representative Steve King (R-Iowa), ladies and gentlemen, with our bad metaphor of the day: A transcript of King’s comments made at a Republican fundraiser in Boulders Conference Center showed he compared illegal immigrants to stray cats that wind up on people’s porches. King said at first stray cats help by chasing mice, so people feed them. King added that the stray cats then have kittens, which are liked for their cuteness, but eventually the strays, fed by the people, end up getting lazy, just like illegal immigrants. King would not comment on what he said on that day. Read more on Stray Cat Blues…