Wonkette

Hey MIKE HUCKABEE, Mittens “Willard” Romney sees your new book’s disparaging excerpts directed at him and raises you a brisk retort through “Eric” the traveling spokesman! “This type of pettiness is beneath Mike Huckabee… If we’re going to move the party forward, we need to offer more than personal recriminations. Unfortunately, in this book, Mike Huckabee is consumed with presumed slights, and he seems more interested in settling scores than in bringing people together.” Tragically, the “Mitt Camp” is in the right here and will score some 2012 Points on this. A windfall for Mittens! Well howdy doo about that. MORE »

It’s the New Associated Press! Less boring facts and whatever, and more shitty, shitty writing like you might find on a Live Journal, for the Retarded. Let’s enjoy some of the dozens of terrible metaphors in today’s AP feature on how John McCain is a shameful old fraud who should be locked in a bag of snakes and dropped down an oil well — no, wait! John McCain is actually like, uh, a person who plays the accordion. Because he’s super old, right?! Uhhh …. MORE »

Brilliant Republican strategist Karl Rove is not Arrogant, or an Elitist. He has helped his party help poor people and the underrepresented by flying young men and women to Iraq, which they may colonize for a brighter, more prosperous future. Rove knows what an Elitist is, and it is Elitist Barack Obama. This morning, Rove was speaking with a group of poor, Average Americans known as “Republican insiders at the Capitol Hill Club” to describe, in layman’s terms, Barack Obama: he is like “that guy” at the “country club” who, uh, won’t be sociable with the other members. And if Bitters know one thing, it’s the subtle internal politics of country club cocktail hours. MORE »

As a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee had no money, staff, or knowledge of foreign policy. He did have an economic policy, but it was the Fair Tax, that famously comical pyramid scheme. So how did he get the second most delegates? Metaphors. Extended metaphors. Millions of extended metaphors about key lime pie and yard work and skinning ducks, or other archetypal aspects of the Average American’s daily life. And now that he wants to be John McCain’s vice president, he has a new metaphor to explain the situation: he wants the football captain to ask him to prom, mostly because he wants to wear a pretty dress. MORE »

The wit and wisdom of Senator Tom Coburn, courtesy GQ. MORE »

Representative Steve King (R-Iowa), ladies and gentlemen, with our bad metaphor of the day: MORE »

It’s time once again for resident curmudgeonly comics analyst the Comics Curmudgeon to take a stab at explaining Today’s Cartoons. Someone’s got to.

This week, metaphors! Learn why they should be left to the experts, after the jump. Also, there is semen.

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They have a way with words and graphic design. (Getty) MORE »

* Illegal immigrants are indispensable. Robots can’t be trusted and trained monkeys are just disgusting. [IMAO]
* Wal-Mart baits independent-minded liberals with attractive gay men. [HuffPo]
* The formula to tip your favorite bar wench goes quadratic. [unbossed]
* Katie Couric, an unlikely combination of good looks and literacy, takes a pay cut to move up the ladder. [Outside the Beltway]
* If Congress is a colony of termites and DeLay is its queen, who foots the Orkin bill? [Rude Pundit]