Tag Archives: messicans

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Why’s Obama Letting Immigrant Terrorists Ebola Us To Death?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
In the last seven days, the Sarah Palin Channel has published exactly nine minutes and twenty-eight seconds of content. Three minutes of that total is “Behind the Scenes” reels, one of which centers on Sarah going to a barn in North Carolina last year (it was Billy Graham’s barn, and it was a very boring visit). That means Palin’s team produced about six minutes of content in the last week, so yes, this is probably the laziest political grift we’ve ever covered in our short time as Yr Wonket. But by the same token, it is also the most ruthlessly efficient. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Why’s Obama Letting Immigrant Terrorists Ebola Us To Death?…
  the prince of darkness likes brown people better

Scott Walker Lackey Loses Job Because Satan Loves Undocumented Immigrants

You know, any right-wing jerkoff can compare Democrats/the gays/undocumented immigrants/kittens to Hitler. In fact, there’s probably some sort of special right-wing keyboard that comes with a macro for just that so they can be all efficient-like. But it takes some real over-the-top proactive synergized thinking to skip Hitler and go right on up to SATAN SATAN SATAN, which is what one of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s mouth-breathing flunkies did regarding undocumented immigrants. Read more on Scott Walker Lackey Loses Job Because Satan Loves Undocumented Immigrants…
  poor john is dead

Arizona Town Hall Folk Murder John McCain, Tear Lifeless Body To Shreds With Their Teeth

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy That is sad, you guys. United States Senator John McCain is dead, murdered by these fat insane Arizonans for loving Messicans too much. “These people care for our babies,” he moaned, as the crowd descended upon him. Read more on Arizona Town Hall Folk Murder John McCain, Tear Lifeless Body To Shreds With Their Teeth…
  ladythings

GOP Puts Politics In Terms That Lady Voters Can Understand

This is the THING about lady voters you guys: they do not understand anything about politics or policy, it is too complex with them. If you want ladies to vote for your candidate, you must therefore explain things in terms they can understand, using metaphors about periods and boyfriends and shopping and whatnot. This is why the GOP has recently put out a fun new ad for lady voters wherein voting for Romney is compared to breaking up with a boyfriend because he cheats on them with Sarah Jessica Parker and plays too much golf. Read more on GOP Puts Politics In Terms That Lady Voters Can Understand…
  this week in mexicans

Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Anchor Babies Away!

Republicans are mad at Mexican lover Barack Obama because he wants to temporarily not destroy the lives of brown people who have lived in America pretty much their whole life by renditioning them to a country they have never lived in so they can starve in a lonely wasteland of fear. Go get em GOP! Always on the side of the little guy. We all know America is the greatest country in the world and everyone wants to come here for our shattered economy, fried twinkies, and so they can take part in murdering Arab children with sky robots. The problem is we are SO good that now we have to start being selective! This is why besides deporting old gross Mexicans and their demon music, some people want to go after their children who were raised here, made friends here, went to school here, loved here, and even fought in our illegal wars! (And some people want to go after their children who were born here, which is a whole other level of fucked-up racist.) Now many people who believe in strong immigration laws have a good point. Why should some weird-talker come in to our country when WE EARNED our stay by having our parents fuck here. Do you know how much effort it takes as a ghost sperm to convince your mom to fuck your dad? A. LOT. Don’t tell us we didn’t earn our keep. Read more on Sundays With Jamie Kilstein And The Lord: Anchor Babies Away!…
  the fake son also rises

Lucha Libre Wrestler ‘Jan Brewer’s Fake Son’ Will Kick All Messicans Butts Now

Enter the warrior, he’s today’s Tom Sawyer, they call him RJ Brewer and he waves his flag in one hand and a copy of SB1070 in the other. RJ Brewer, being the fake son of Jan Brewer, fake governor of Arizona, enters the ring as if he owns it. Waiting for his opponent, he stops to educate his audience on the ways of this nation per Jesus, white Jesus, white English speaking Jesus. Basking in the glory of being one of the chosen is short lived when the clouds part, the sun rises and the crowd begins to cheer. The anti-American, the hero, the Mexican comes marching down the ring with ten tons of ass kicking odelay ready to tread where he pleases. But RJ learned by watching mommy. He knows how to shake a finger at a person of color. Read more on Lucha Libre Wrestler ‘Jan Brewer’s Fake Son’ Will Kick All Messicans Butts Now…
  meet your new wonkette pal!

Meet Your Newest Wonkette, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, From Mexico!

FAITHFUL READERS: Here is a quick note from your newest patriot/Wonkette contributor. Hello, you! I just spent the last four years as an expatriate journalist in Mexico, this popular beach colony whose most famous exports are the swine flu and Republican talking points about space aliens. No one told me to go to Mexico, but I did, and I would recommend it if you can deal with horrible problems like the terrible Internet speed and the fact that there is nothing to eat at 3 a.m. besides tacos al pastor anywhere in Mexico, at all, ever. Probably you shouldn’t be out in the street at 3 a.m. there, though. At least I didn’t get swine flu, which is good, because apparently you can’t write for Wonkette unless you’ve got a recent “don’t have swine flu” card. Read more on Meet Your Newest Wonkette, Kirsten Boyd Johnson, From Mexico!…
  hope and change out of those clothes

Nation Celebrates Columbus Day Eve By Throwing Book, Showing Its Dick

Everyone decided it was Do Shit to Obama Day when the president had a rally in Philadelphia yesterday. Some unknown person threw a paperback book at him, for one, though apparently the president didn’t notice, so our antsy nation must wait until next time to try to change Obama’s reading habits again by tossing magazines and books and pre-loaded Kindles at him. Also, finally some Messican tried to take up that one billionaire guy’s $1-million offer to streak in front of the president. Unfortunately, Obama didn’t see the guy’s dick, because the police rushed in and covered the streaker up with a campaign sign. But hopefully that didn’t invalidate this stunt, because our nation’s economy could sort of use that million-dollar infusion. If it helps, we made a Blingee of it! Read more on Nation Celebrates Columbus Day Eve By Throwing Book, Showing Its Dick…
  the meg whitman of new jersey

Mexican-Hating Lou Dobbs Employs Illegal Mexicans

Orange-headed Space.com founder and fired cable-news host Lou Dobbs was known for one thing during his long last years of anchoring a CNN show even dumber than Rick’s List: Lou Dobbs HATED the Mexicans. Oh man they drove him NUTS! And once CNN management decided Lou Dobbs was too awful even for CNN, Lou Dobbs decided that Evil Ghost Mexicans were attacking his house, with weaponry, and also he fantasized about being president or New Jersey’s anti-Mexican commissioner. What could possibly bring this swollen-faced grumblepuss back to the pages of Wonkette? He got caught hiring illegal aliens! Read more on Mexican-Hating Lou Dobbs Employs Illegal Mexicans…
  that's like saying tacos aren't delicious oh wait

Michael Steele Says Not All Republicans Want To Racial-Profile Messicans, A HUGE GAFFE

WHAT IS HE SAYING?! SPEAK AMERICAN, BLACK MAN. Yes, Michael Steele has made another major boo-boo today, telling Univision that Arizona’s immigration law is “not a reflection of an entire political party.” WHAT? ALL REPUBLICANS MUST ADHERE TO PARTY ORTHODOXY, AND THAT ORTHODOXY SHALL BE DICTATED BY THE MOST EXTEME AND HATEFUL AND LOUDEST. Michael Steele obviously thought that Real Americans could not hear his words behind this Messican talking over him, but we must have sophisticated 21st-century technology that now has let our reporters hear the English that is being said. Read more on Michael Steele Says Not All Republicans Want To Racial-Profile Messicans, A HUGE GAFFE…
  the homosexuals!

Everyone Boycotting Everything For Gayness and Jesus Purposes

ACTION ALERT! You may not be aware that there are products and services you are supposed to be boycotting right now, so your Wonkette reporter of homosexuals is here to save the day! Things used to be much simpler, back when the American Family Association was boycotting McDonald’s for their excessive gayness, by leaving hilarious comments on the internet about how their Real ‘Murkan families didn’t NEED no Big Macs, and could just suck their trans fats through a straw, like Jesus taught them in the Bible. However, this summer, things are Complicated, because everybody is boycotting everything, due to Too Many Gays, Not Enough Gays, Gays in France, Lesbian Carpenters, Gays on Skates, and of course, Messicans. So, let’s see if we can help everybody out with a handy guide! Read more on Everyone Boycotting Everything For Gayness and Jesus Purposes…
  burn down the taco bell

Idaho Republicans Hate Word ‘Fiesta’ For Reason You May Suspect

Some depressing county fair in Idaho decided its theme this year would be “Fiesta at the Fair,” as that seems exotic and fun (depressing). So of course the county GOP decided that this was an evil Messican idea. “Bonner County fair board Chairman Tim Cary said the fair was just looking for a theme that’s fun to decorate with, and the choice had nothing to do with official language or immigration disputes.” NICE TRY. The Bonner County GOP’s booth will say “celebrate” instead of “fiesta” and they have “asked Arizona officials for some license plates to put in the booth.” This gets more dumb and depressing, as you can imagine. Read more on Idaho Republicans Hate Word ‘Fiesta’ For Reason You May Suspect…
  immigration strategy guide

Rand Paul Wants To Build $1-Billion Electric Underground Fence To Keep Out Mexican Gophers

Senate candidate Rand Paul has a lot of new, interesting ideas. On the immigration issue, your average Republican would just mumble something about building a fence at the Mexican border. Not Rand Paul! Paul has come up with his own fence idea. Instead of building one above ground, it will be underground, where the Mexicans won’t expect it. “Oh look, here’s the border, and there’s no fence up. Must be a trick! I bet there’s an invisible fence here. I shall burrow under the ground so I can get into America and steal its public schools. Wait, what’s this?” ZAP! Rand Paul outwitted you, Mexican. Read more on Rand Paul Wants To Build $1-Billion Electric Underground Fence To Keep Out Mexican Gophers…
  meg whitman loves hispanic things you guys

Trying To Decipher Meg Whitman’s Messican Advertisement

WHAT? Speak American! Meg Whitman has decided to court the Messicans in her race for California governor, and here is her first ad. It airs today during a soccer match, so apparently she’s trying to get the gay vote too. What is being said? WE DON’T KNOW, WE’RE AMERICAN. So here’s an attempt to figure out what’s being said by what’s going on in the video. Read more on Trying To Decipher Meg Whitman’s Messican Advertisement…