Tag Archives: memorial day

  urine big trouble young lady

Wingnuts Outraged: HBO Lady Lena Dunham Pees All Over Memorial Day

Say, would you believe that conservative blogonauts found something to spend Memorial Day DEEPLY OFFENDEDED over? Yes, we know, what are the odds? The shocking contretemps involved Lena Dunham, that terrible awful young lady who made an innuendo-laden video that compared voting to sexytime romps with a black man. We don’t know much about Ms. Dunham, but Yr Editrix is a fan. Now it seems that Ms. Dunham has gotten herself into one of those wacky scrapes you’d expect from the “Carrie Tyler Moore” character on that Girls Gossiping in the City show of hers, only instead of an embarrassing hipster faux pas involving whatever the hell constitutes a faux pas among hipsters, she committed High Treason by Twitter, sending out a message that quite literally announced her hatred for the troops, the flag, the Constitution, and All that is Good and Holy. We hope you are sitting down, because we will now reveal the contents of her perfidious tweet. It read in full, “Happy Memorial Day! I’ve already peed in two different Starbucks bathrooms!” WTF? TMI?  No, wait, Egad! Did that whore just trivialize Memorial Day? Quick! To the Outrage Signal! Read more on Wingnuts Outraged: HBO Lady Lena Dunham Pees All Over Memorial Day…
  the vetting

‘Politicizing’ Now Simply Refers To Obama Saying Anything

Blah blah Breitbart who cares, we know, but don’t you fancy this headline? The poor sucker who had to update Breitbart.com on Memorial Day, and knew he had to slam Obama for speaking on Memorial Day somehow, settled on “Obama Politicizes Memorial Day” after Obama said that there shouldn’t be wars unless “absolutely necessary.” This is what counts as politicization now: saying the same fucking thing every politician has said on Memorial Day every year since forever. PRO TIP: If you are considering making the argument “Politician politicizes X,” just go stick your head in the unflushed toilet for a few minutes instead. You’ll get more out of it. Read more on ‘Politicizing’ Now Simply Refers To Obama Saying Anything…
  probably not that barbara jordan

Welcome To Miami Beach, Urban Kids, Now Go To Jail

Do not fear, Miami Beach! Sure, lots and lots of African American youths are expected on your white sand shores for Memorial Day weekend, but luckily your PD is ready for them, and that is by instituting a “quota” mandating that its officers arrest a minimum of 2000 blahs! Nah nah nah says the police chief, Raymond Martinez, no quota nah! Or, more precisely, “I want to be clear, there is no arrest quota for Memorial Day weekend or any other day on Miami Beach.” But other people say that he is a lying liar. Miami-Dade Commissioner Barbara Jordan said it is a form of racial profiling and being done “deliberately to kill Urban Beach Weekend.” “The police chief can deny it all he wants, I’ve seen it in writing,” Jordan said. Read more on Welcome To Miami Beach, Urban Kids, Now Go To Jail…
  holidays

Obama Hates Troops So Much He Played Golf On Memorial Day

Why does Horrible Person Barack Obama not know that it is totally inappropriate to relax and play golf on Memorial Day? It’s like he’s peeing on the bodies of dead soldiers. Crabby Brit commentator Nile Gardiner can’t understand why Obama’s Chief of Staff refused to put a stop to this horror: Read more on Obama Hates Troops So Much He Played Golf On Memorial Day…
  just like MLK jr.

Sarah Palin Honors Vets With Photo Of Herself On A Motorcycle

Happy Memorial Day! It is time to honor America’s War Heroes, meaning Sarah Palin. America’s favorite snowbilly grifter showed up Sunday at “Rolling Thunder,” a non-partisan organization which raises awareness of veterans’ issues through the display of motorcycles that run on Muslim-Arabian fuel. Palin attracted a crowd of rally-goers eager to honor Sarah’s service in foreign wars, we guess. Sadly, she didn’t get to make a speech thanking these people for honoring her terrible sacrifices, so instead she just scrawled the words “justice rolls” on her hand in ink. Is this biker-gang humor? Read more on Sarah Palin Honors Vets With Photo Of Herself On A Motorcycle…
  right-wing response predictions

Why Did Obama Ask Allah To Shoot Bolts Of Lightning At Soldiers’ Graves?

It was enough of a slap in America’s face for Barack Obama to skip the wreath-laying ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery in favor of one at his precious Chicago thug-controlled “Abraham Lincoln National Ceremony,” which isn’t even accredited by the Princeton Review. Now what’s this, lightning? Who cares about dumb electricity sparkles in the sky. Look at this actual alien, telling everyone to go to their cars, saying he may or may not “stick around.” Oh, and what about the fallen soldiers in their GRAVES — are they supposed to go to their cars too, Obamar? [YouTube, Washington Post] Read more on Why Did Obama Ask Allah To Shoot Bolts Of Lightning At Soldiers’ Graves?…
  oh great

BP Apologizes For Ruining Your Three-Day Weekend (and the Earth)

Happy Memorial Day, Americans! (Because of the Constitution, you are the only people on the planet to have a day honoring your soldiers, so enjoy it! Foreigners just cold eat their war casualties, “to avenge the fallen.”) And don’t turn on the news radio or look at the Internet, except for the usual porn and pizza orders, because baby it’s bad out there. FOR EXAMPLE: You know that “top kill” oil spill thing nobody really believed was working even though we had Hope, for a little while, on Friday? Yeah, the BP guy apologized. He’s totally sorry. The new “fix” probably won’t work, either — and it might increase the bleeding crude “by as much as 20%.” But August might be different, so hold on for August. Read more on BP Apologizes For Ruining Your Three-Day Weekend (and the Earth)…
  the start of cougar season

Happy Memorial Day To Sarah Palin And The Troops! (Same Thing)

Hooray, it’s… an ugly Blingee! It depicts America’s Fence, keepin’ those perverts away from America’s Piper Palin, except for the ones that can moondance through the large, large gap. Happy Memorial Day weekend to the troops, as well as regular humans! Everyone walkin’ around the beach, stone drunk, no pants, no nothin’… (Also, your departing editor “Jim” will be working at Wonkette through next Wednesday, because why not?) Read more on Happy Memorial Day To Sarah Palin And The Troops! (Same Thing)…
  peggy's world

Let Us Honor The Troops With Peggy Noonan, A Columnist Famous To Children

While you hamburger sacks may conceive of Memorial Day as little more than a free 24-hour session of experimental masturbation R&D, it is actually a “memorial” to those Americans, throughout our History, who have laid down their lives in the service of the King. Your Wonkette would like to thank and honor The Troops past and present, in Mexico and Afghanistan, in Vietnam and Cambodia VIETNAM. Because as notable American word-writer Peggington Noonington opines today, the U.S. hasn’t celebrated any brave war heroes since the strife of the Sixties. (She offers no mention of two of the most popular Americans in America right now, Colin Powell and David Petraeus; perhaps she had imbibed too much Alckoholl.) Let us quote her words and hope that one day, George Washington shall be worthy to our hobbits anew. Read more on Let Us Honor The Troops With Peggy Noonan, A Columnist Famous To Children…
  holidays are communist!

Beaches Are Communist; Stay Home This Weekend

The first thing wrong with this video is it shows a mixed-race couple, which must still be illegal somewhere in the “Real America,” maybe Alabama or Texas? But the rest teaches our children a valuable lesson about why they can’t have nice things: Because that’s socialist! So if you want to go to the beach, try the “American way” and earn millions of dollars, and buy some beachfront property, and shoot any mixed-race couples you catch trying to use your beach, the end. [YouTube via Wonkette tipster Curt] Read more on Beaches Are Communist; Stay Home This Weekend…
  food/booze news!

Plenty of Opportunities to Thank DC & Dead Soldiers by Eating Food

Wednesday, May 20: There’s no shame if the only charitable contribution you ever make to the District of Columbia is via eating at fundraisers. If a full stomach is your way of saying, “Thanks DC for heightening my chance of getting AIDS and for granting me the opportunity to almost be murdered on multiple occasions,” we highly recommend heading to the Verizon Center today for “Taste of Eleven,” a fundraiser put on by Wizards Care that raises money for the Capital Area Food Bank. Read more on Plenty of Opportunities to Thank DC & Dead Soldiers by Eating Food… Read more on Plenty of Opportunities to Thank DC & Dead Soldiers by Eating Food…
 

Viva La Pantyhose

* Standing up for what you believe is difficult and MS Paint doesn’t make it any easier. [Recovering Overachiever] * No matter how many bullet points are used, we still don’t really care how you spent your Memorial Day. [Average Jane] * It’s finally starting to dawn on some other people that Say Anything is a shitty movie and Cameron Crowe is a shitty filmmaker. [Bathroom Reading] * Nothing like a missed connection to make you sad as fuck on a beautiful day. [Craigslist] Read more on Viva La Pantyhose…
 

Buy One, Get One Free or Die

How did you honor our fallen heroes this solemn Memorial Day? Remember: Freedom ain’t free, but Biggie-sizing that Frosty will cost merely an additional thirty-two cents. “Show Them You Care” [Coming Anarchy via CarpetBlog] Read more on Buy One, Get One Free or Die…
 

Nuts May Contain Nuts

* “Zis is peanuts, yah?” [Sour ‘N Sweet] * “I’ve already consumed a number of pills of some sort and waited patiently for someone to make me some coffee, but it appears that too many of my coworkers are off doing less important things [Manifest Destiny] * “Props to the cop at 21st and M” [DC Sidewalk Blog] * “Yes, the only individual in this car — a 50-something suit — was a man with whom, up until the moment he pulled up and motioned me over to his passenger window, I was not at all acquainted.” [A Serious Job Is No Excuse] * “It’s pretty obvious that his lines were written by the same stoned dudes who wrote the script for Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. And I’ll note, dorkingly, that Malibu probably wouldn’t come out from a day of ‘cosmic rays’ with the deep beach tan he’s prominently displaying to all the girls in the audience with hot pink tank tops and cut-off jean shorts.” [End The Cola Wars!] * “Thank God It’s A Fucking Three Day Weekend” [Yeah, So I’m…] Read more on Nuts May Contain Nuts…
 

Birds Now Attacking Everyone

After a libtard bird shat on George W. Bush yesterday, there has been widespread debate over whether the sparrow had a partisan agenda or was a “9/11 truther,” but today’s Washington Post shows the attacks have now spread from the White House lawn to the greater DC metropolitan area and even to Delaware beaches. Experts say wherever you go this weekend, the birds will surely hunt you down and cover your family in shit. Sorry. Read more on Birds Now Attacking Everyone…