Tag Archives: memoirs

  Let a Thousand Crazies Bloom

Bachmann Memoir: Bush Was a Socialist, Boehner Was Dean Martin

One of the funniest things Michelle Bachmann ever did – this week! – was to name her new book “Core of Conviction,” by which she means she should be convicted for being criminally insane. And now, courtesy of some tortured bet-losing news room intern who was forced to read an advance copy of her certifiable rantings, a sneak peek: she, uh, thinks that former President George W. Bush (the cute one) is a raging “socialist” for bailing out the banking industry, because Michele Bachmann has no idea what the word “socialist” or any other words at all even mean. Read more on Bachmann Memoir: Bush Was a Socialist, Boehner Was Dean Martin…
  the bear swipeth away

Bristol’s Groundbreaking Book Has Been Censored

Oh no, Amazon took down the page for Bristol Palin’s memoir! Perhaps it was a dangerous book, a work of such importance that the authorities felt threatened enough to ban it! Or perhaps it was one of those “pedophile guides to love and pleasure,” and it had to be censored so that people on the Internet would stop wasting their lives yelling about it. Read more on Bristol’s Groundbreaking Book Has Been Censored…
  if i did it

Donald Rumsfeld: It’s Not My Fault

America’s Grandpa of Death Donald Rumsfeld is having his memoir published on Tuesday, serving as an addendum to George W. Bush’s book in that it has actual, alleged facts, opinions, and memories in it. So: Abu Ghraib? Not his fault, but he really wanted to resign over it and feels very emo that big meanie Bush wouldn’t let him. Initial troop levels? Not his fault, nobody in the military ever asked him for more troops. Guantanamo? Not his fault the jail existed, and actually he made sure there was less torture and fewer prisoners. Hmm, anything we’re forgetting here? Oh, that one war. What was it called again? Anyway, not his fault, Bush came to him about Iraq before the U.S. even invaded Afghanistan, but at the same meeting, he also talked about Rummy’s son’s drug addiction, so all Rummy could do was cry about that. Whoops! Read more on Donald Rumsfeld: It’s Not My Fault…
  still plenty of free passes (9/11)

George W. Bush Plagiarized Passages of His Book, Executed Innocent Guy

Isn’t it great to have our previous president back in the news these days? How about this one: He lifted passages of his book out of other people’s books and news articles? Yes, he did! Or rather, whoever was putting together his book did. Hey, c’mon, why would Bush want to remember stuff himself? It’s much easier to copy and paste together other accounts of his life, switch a few words around, and call it a day. In fact, pages 48-164 probably seem so odd because they were lifted directly from the screenplay of W.: And then I turned to Rumsfeld and said, “Rummy, INT. H.W.’s KENNEBUNKPORT OFFICE – DAY. BUSH sits down.” Oh, and he sort of let a guy on death row die despite needing a stay for a DNA check that it seems would have exonerated him. Cool! Read more on George W. Bush Plagiarized Passages of His Book, Executed Innocent Guy…
  book learnin'

Cool New Bobby Jindal Pop-Up Book Blames Obama For Entirety of Oil Spill

Bobby Jindal is not just a governor looking to run against Obama for president: He also happens to be a beautiful aquatic bird who was personally coated in oil by the Evil President while trying only to help the people of Louisiana. And so little Jindal has written a book about himself, to inform America that he is nicer and pragmatic-er and caring-about-people-er than this Obama fellow, who apparently evilly discussed POLITICS with Jindal when there was a bunch of oil in the water. Also in the book: Jindal overheard Rahm Emanuel use a swear word when he was talking on a cellular telephonic device! Rahm Emanuel. These hott deets that Jindal puts at the front of his book will surely make America want to run its fingers through his feathers forever. Read more on Cool New Bobby Jindal Pop-Up Book Blames Obama For Entirety of Oil Spill…
  international burn a memoir day

Do Not Read Donald Rumsfeld’s New Memoir

Donald Rumsfeld’s memoir will be published in January. Don’t read it: “Known and Unknown,” being published by Sentinel (an imprint of Penguin), refers to Rumsfeld’s explanation in 2002 for the lack of evidence that Iraq was supplying terrorists with weapons of mass destruction. Read more on Do Not Read Donald Rumsfeld’s New Memoir…
  literature

THE REVIEWS ARE COMING IN, AND FRED THOMPSON’S BOOK IS REALLY OBNOXIOUS: Prominent banking pamphlet The Wall Street Journal has reviewed failed presidential savior Fred Thompson’s stupid book and is just kind of baffled at this asshole. “There are bland tales of ‘schoolboy crimes’ including flinging a water bottle into a window fan to spray the patrons of a cafe in Lawenceburg, Tenn., cafe and accidentally breaking the window instead, and trashing a neighbor’s clubhouse and ripping up his movie posters.” Fine, he can be president in 2012. Also: poignancy: “Just one story comes even close to having a political message. When describing his own fight with cancer, and that of his uncle, Thompson says he has ‘reason to appreciate modern medicine… What kind of a price tag should we put on that? One hopes the answer will continue to be provided by America’s free market.'” Oh shut the fuck up. [WSJ] Read more on …
  oh boy

Fred Thompson’s Book Comes Out Tomorrow!

It is still Memoir Season for all Republicans who had any power or influence whatsoever between 2001 and 2009. Meanwhile, Fred Thompson is also writing a book! It’s about his life as a Real American, and features some authentic, folksy prose from the crack team of unpaid ghostwriters working out of the slave shed at Fred Thompson’s Northern Virginia mansion. As for the title, Teaching the Pig to Dance is at least in the ballpark of what you’d imagine Fred Thompson would drum up, while poopin’ on his golden mansion toilet. Read more on Fred Thompson’s Book Comes Out Tomorrow!…
  people that could make 2010 funny

Harold Ford’s Important Memoir To Drop One Week Before NY Primary

Like every other gay dingbat on this godforsaken planet, Harold Ford Junior has a dumb book chronicling his Life coming out in the near future — replete with the “forward-looking/confident gaze into the heavens with cloud backdrop” provisional cover. It comes out one week before the New York senatorial primary election, in September, OH HO HO!…?? and will cover many topics INCLUDING: growing up gay in Tennessee, overcompensating in rebellion, and finally moving to New York and realizing that he has been a New Yorker along, like Bobby Kennedy and Mrs. Clinton. “More Davids Than Goliaths.” C’mon man. [NYDN] Read more on Harold Ford’s Important Memoir To Drop One Week Before NY Primary…
  people who should be in jail

MARK YOUR CALENDARS! Ooh, a book that might actually rival Going Rogue, in lies: “NEW YORK – Karl Rove’s memoir has a title, ‘Courage and Consequence,’ and a release date — March 9, 2010.” Well if there’s snappy alliteration in the title, we can’t not buy it. [AP] Read more on …
  making fun of trig

Dumb Sarah Palin’s Fake Book Has A Due Date

American Face of Evil, Sarah Palin, has “written her book.” It is a whole 400 pages of book! The first 399 pages are simply her smearing baby poop over blank pages. It smells to high heaven! The title is… wait a second, we’re just getting our cyanide pill ready here, for when the post is over, because that’s what we’re going to do, take a cyanide pill… Going Rogue: An American Life. Read more on Dumb Sarah Palin’s Fake Book Has A Due Date…
  oh boy

(Original) Douchey No-Name Bush Speechwriter In Cahoots With Donald Rumsfeld!

New information has arisen concerning former mid/lower-level no-name douchey excerpt-mongering George W. Bush speechwriter, the very smart conservative person Matt Latimer! Last week we examined the useless, exploitative heap of self-preserving, unconfirmable anecdotes he passed along to GQ to publicize the release of his douchey tell-all piece of crap book, Speechless, which chronicles the Bush Administration’s greatest failure of all: tainting this wide-eyed Michigan conservative’s idealism, with its embrace of PETTY WASHINGTON POLITICS! Poor Matt! We hope this shittily written after-the-fact account of nothing makes a lot of money for him; he’s suffered enough, having to work (= eavesdrop on private conversations) at that STUPID Bush White House for like two days… Anyway, that new information: so the guy who hired this punk at the White House has written an op-ed for the Wall Street Journal slamming Latimer and more or less calling him gay for Donald Rumsfeld. Read more on (Original) Douchey No-Name Bush Speechwriter In Cahoots With Donald Rumsfeld!…
  literary debuts

Condi Rice To Write Several Books!

Condoleezza Rice just signed a $2.5 million contract to write three books about 1) her years in the Bush Administration and 2) her life. It will be so awesome to read about all the terrible throwdowns she got into drunk, and that time she engaged in a crack-fueled confrontation with Ohio cops and got arrested for a bunch of felonies, and that other time she got a root canal WITHOUT ANESTHESIA because she knew she’d go back on the sauce if she had just a whiff of narcotics. Read more on Condi Rice To Write Several Books!…
  somebody tell media bistro

Sarah Palin’s Book Advance May Dwarf Even Nate Silver’s

After her cruelly brief tenure as a vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin is poised to perform a time-honored ritual for national failures and people who have completely humiliated themselves, repeatedly, on the world stage: she will write her memoirs, and she will be paid many millions of dollars for it. And she will waste all her millions of dollars on raw-silk Versace jackets and a new meth lab for her seventh child, Pistol. Read more on Sarah Palin’s Book Advance May Dwarf Even Nate Silver’s…
  required reading

Laura Bush Is Shoppin’ Her Memoirs

All you people have already read American Wife, right? If you did, you already know the “secret ending” to Laura Bush’s memoirs, which involves a Venezuelan sex orgy and nuclear war. But for those fans who can’t get enough of the First Lady, she will pen an Official Account of her life. The tentative title is Why Nice Librarians Should Not Marry Ignorant Clowns. Read more on Laura Bush Is Shoppin’ Her Memoirs…
 

Dana Perino Confused By Most Things, But Specifically McClellan’s Criticism

The White House has issued a Papal Bull in response to former press secretary Scott McClellan’s new book, in which he makes bland accusations about the Bush administration like “they may not have been completely trustworthy” in order to sell his otherwise unsellable crappy account of his pathetic life. The most recent White House press secretary, smokin’ hot monster Dana Perino, indicates in the pithy statement — which you can see after the jump!! — that she cannot read bookz. Read more on Dana Perino Confused By Most Things, But Specifically McClellan’s Criticism…
 

Karl Rove Calls Scott McClellan Gay Woodsman

Wonkette comical typos operative “Ron” sends us this screen shot of a CNN.com article in which Karl Rove lets slip a revelation of his own about terrible snitch Scott McClellan. McClellan’s syntax in his new book reeks of liberal blogging filth? No, that’s not what Rove is revealing at all! Rove is trying to tell us that homosexual lumberjack communities in the Pacific Northwest are McClellan’s inspiration! IS THIS NOT CLEAR TO EVERYONE? [CNN] Read more on Karl Rove Calls Scott McClellan Gay Woodsman…
 

Cindy McCain’s Tell-All Memoir Due Out This Fall!

If you ever wondered about the secret lives of pill-popping blondes but were too lazy to crack Valley of the Dolls, future First Lady Cindy McCain will help you out. In her memoir, due out just a few months before her angry midget husband is crowned Emperor of America, she will reveal all of her secrets to staying healthy, wealthy, and married to a physically and emotionally fragile war veteran. In other words, the book will be a sort of Less Than Zero meets Deceptively Delicious with a sprinkling of Old Yeller. It will sell one trillion copies after Oprah adds it to her Book Club. [On Politics] Read more on Cindy McCain’s Tell-All Memoir Due Out This Fall!…
 

Rove Book May Snag $3 Million

How much is the final payout for being one of the most despised men in the Bush White House? Around $3 million. The bidding for former White House senior advisor Karl Rove’s memoirs kicks off today. “It will sell for millions, but how many millions is the question,” one potential publisher said. Read more on Rove Book May Snag $3 Million…
 

Scott McClellan Trashes Bush Admin in Memoir

Scott McClellan was the White House press secretary during a tough stretch. Let’s call it the “Golden Age of Lying,” as opposed to the “I Have Feeling Bush Is Lying” (2001-2003) and “Eh, Bush Is Lying Again, Big Whoop” (2005-present) eras that bookended his tenure. McClellan always seemed like a decent guy beneath that shiny veneer of geopolitical sin, and now he’s coming out to exonerate himself. His new memoir, WHAT HAPPENED: Inside the Bush White House and What’s Wrong With Washington, comes out soon, and within it he comments on his role — the administration’s bitch — in Plamegate. He names liar peoples’ names, too — five of them! You can probably guess at least three without thinking. Read more on Scott McClellan Trashes Bush Admin in Memoir…
 

Lynne Cheney Tells Some

Lynne Cheney is celebrating the end of her successful tour of duty as America’s Second-Most-Loathed Cheney by writing a memoir. So she’s hitting the tv circuit and telling charming stories about her whirlwind high school romance with Vice President Ernst “Dick” Blofeld. He dumped her for a cheerleader in senior year! Then Lynne’s grandma bought her a “black lace sheath dress” which apparently convinced Dick that this one would put out so he went back to her and then they got married and went on to the destroy the nation for forty years. Lynne also wants to dispel some rumors! Read more on Lynne Cheney Tells Some…