• IMPORTANT DECISIONS: Your editors will NOT be liveblogging this education speech at noon, because it will simply be the president telling kids that education is important, and while that is wrong, there is no sort of controversy or news or anything of any interest to be found here. We would rather liveblog the cloud formations changing. The wingnuts have a problem with THAT, too. [White House]

From his teevee-anchor dyed & blow-dried hair to his repulsive stucco fortress on a million acres of North Carolina scraped dirt, everything about the ambulance-chasing personal injury attorney has always cried FRAUD, but the most disgusting part about Edwards was his phony public displays of fucky love for his poor (yet fantastically rich) old wife, who always has cancer. MORE »

• OH GOD, DO WE AGREE WITH MEG STAPLETON? Man, a lot of you people are taking this thing quite seriously! Who knows if any of it is true, because my oh my, that’s some sketchy sourcing — it doesn’t even exist, in fact! And even if they were going to get a divorce, but wanted to keep it to themselves for now … that’s understandable. So everyone go PLAY OUTSIDE. The world is literally your oyster. [Alaska Report, Mediaite]

Lindsey Graham’s least favorite Mexican monster, Sonia Sotomayor, learned English when she was 45 years old, from large-print comic books about Satan. And now, thanks to illegitimate president Barack Obama’s affirmative-action hiring policies, Judge Sotomayor is the star of today’s super-boring Senate confirmation hearing! Thanks to Ustream, we’ve got a live teevee video feed right here, so go ahead and make fun of everything, in the comments.

If all the newspapers in America disappeared tomorrow — instead of next year, as scheduled, because of Gmail — you would never know about this story. Think about it. [LA Times/Christian Science Monitor]

This is what it was like in Soviet USSR Russia, we bet! The guy, on the teevee, every night. Five year plans, advancing upon the enemy stronghold, great progress made in the Martian Dirt Wars, etc. We don’t know FOR SURE about this, as we arrived in the USSR about two weeks after it officially ended — this is true! — and by then it was all tits & death metal on the RUBIN black-and-white set. Anyway, is the recession over yet? Has Komrade Obama talked it away, while his douche-bots in the East Room try to act like they understand anything beyond do-nuts and Twitter? MORE »

This will learn ‘em good: The House of Representatives just passed this “tax those fancy stockjobbers at the 90% rate” legislation, which means the federal money used to pay off these bailout bitches will now be taxed at 90% — if the bonus-getter’s income is over $250,000, so Joe the Plumber is still safe from socialism — which means the money will be filtered through these people who destroyed the Global Economy (with the permission of Alan Greenspan and Reagan’s Ghost) for a !0% commission. So if your bonus for ruining Earth was, say, a million bucks this month, at least you’ll still have a $100,000 left over for cocaine. MORE »

EVERYBODY’S RICH AGAIN! Following Jon Stewart’s ritual slaughter of shouty pig Jim Cramer last night, the American Stock Markets finished the week with a 10% gain, hooray, win, &c. And now the market is, uh, all the way back to, uh, right about where we were in late February. Rally! [Marketwatch]

OMG IT’S FOR REAL THIS TIME? Congratulations, Washington D.C., it looks like you’re finally going to get a full vote in Congress! But is it really worth having to make a trip to the DMV to get non-clownish license plates? [NYT]

Ok here is something annoying: when your journalistic media groups bill an interview as somebody “speaking out” on a topic when in fact they’re just mouthing the blandest pablum imaginable. Why even bother devoting another whole post to boring old Meghan McCain and her insistence that her boring mother has a really fun sense of humor? Well, because it’s a slow news day, that’s why. Plus HA, she had to be awake and in some terrible TV studio in Arizona at 5 o’clock this morning. [CNN]

Eh, enough blogging for 2008. We leave you with this important image of demonic archpundit Andrew Sullivan in hobo rags at Subway, blogging about Obama as hatchlings dance the devil’s tango in a parallel dimension, THE END.