Tag Archives: meg whitman

  eve of destruction

Veepstakes! Romney Hero Meg Whitman Out-Bains Bain Capital, Slashes 27,000 Jobs At HP

Why can’t Californians have nice things? Because the “Golden Dream by the Sea” was all yeah eat me when HP CEO Meg Whitman tried to save it from itself the same way she has saved Hewlett Packard! What is it about “Creative Destruction” that California doesn’t understand? As typewriters and steel mills and Hewlett Packard employees become obsolete, the economy churns, and industries fall so that they may be replaced by something more better! It’s Schumpeter and stuff! (Why this should be a necessary part of the economy, but help for those who were creatively destroyed out of their jobs should be Moral Hazard and akin to feeding stray animals, we never did understand, but Economics Is Hard!) So how many jobs did Meg Whitman slash at HP the same day Romney was busy for she’s a jolly good fellowing to NRO? Oh, 27,000. What did Meg Whitman get paid last year? Either $1 or $16 million. It’s all good though, because the $16 million was in stock options, and those only become worth anything if she manages to raise the stock price! Did axing 27,000 people from HP raise the stock price? In fact it did! Read more on Veepstakes! Romney Hero Meg Whitman Out-Bains Bain Capital, Slashes 27,000 Jobs At HP…
  our flourishing economy

Stocks Collapse Worldwide On News About Meg Whitman

Unloved corporate failure Meg Whitman was last seen insisting that she should be governor of California because goddammit, she paid $141 million to be governor of California. And now the former eBay executive has re-appeared on the public stage, with news that she will be hired to run the ruined tech company Hewlett Packard. The rumor/announcement was greeted by a global plunge in all stocks, led by a collapse in all technology shares. Why can’t she just leave Earth alone? Aren’t things bad enough without Meg Whitman? Read more on Stocks Collapse Worldwide On News About Meg Whitman…
  california gold

Meg Whitman Now Hoping To Piss Away $$$ By Losing To Feinstein

Remember Meg Whitman, the poor little rich girl who got savagely trounced when Jerry Brown came out of his meditative trance one day, late in the election year, and said, “Oh yeah, I used to be California’s governor. I will be that again,” and then he destroyed her? Do you also remember that Meg Whitman had never even voted before, and her one and only “qualification” for office was spending enough of her millions to keep California’s television and radio advertising departments fully staffed while actually driving everyone else insane with her dumb ads and stupid face? Well, Meg’s planning a “comeback,” which is usually a word we reserve for people who have actually succeeded at something, earlier. Read more on Meg Whitman Now Hoping To Piss Away $$$ By Losing To Feinstein…
  buy it now

Liveblogging Part VI: Californication … Jerry Brown Is Governor Again

With polls closed in the bankrupt republic of California, ABC 7 in Los Angeles is bravely sticking to Dancing With the Stars. Everything about tonight is fantastic. But what about the “Year of the Billionaire Woman,” that thing we had in 2010? Did Meg Whitman manage to buy a very expensive thing almost nobody else on Earth actually wanted? Did Carly Fiorina use her dumb meanness to defeat not-that-popular Senator Barbara Boxer? When will the Chinese show up and take whatever’s worth money and ship it to Asia, to recycle? UPDATE: Brown and Boxer defeat the Year of the Womens. Read more on Liveblogging Part VI: Californication … Jerry Brown Is Governor Again…
  it's morning in america

Teary-Eyed Meg Whitman Would Gladly Deport Former Housekeeper

Meg Whitman has finally realized that she can’t buy the Governorship of California on eBay — which really sucks for her, because she has already spent hundreds of millions of her own dollars trying to do exactly that! So on to Plan B: Deport her former housekeeper, the Illegal Mexican Nicky Diaz Santillan! It “breaks her heart,” but Meg Whitman knows that this will solve California’s deficit. Oh and then Meg started barfing about how she wants a “stronger electronic verification system for employers,” because that evil Nicky Diaz Santillan had “a valid California driver’s license” and a “Social Security card,” both of which were probably birthday presents from Jerry Brown. Or maybe they were forged? Is Nicky Diaz Santillan a harmless housekeeper, or a member of the Mexican CIA? Doesn’t matter, deport her! (Jerry Brown supporters should also probably be deported.) It breaks Meg Whitman’s heart, but she really really wants to be elected. [LAT] Read more on Teary-Eyed Meg Whitman Would Gladly Deport Former Housekeeper… Read more on Teary-Eyed Meg Whitman Would Gladly Deport Former Housekeeper…
  California Über Alles

Carly Fiorina In Hospital, Meg Whitman Concedes To Governor Brown

Let’s check in with our California Bureau to see what’s going on with all the hawt governor races and Senate races and the Marijuana Legalize It law and other such concerns in the world’s fifth sixth seventh ninth tenth biggest failed economy. First, the Republican lady who destroyed so many lives in California, Carly Fiorina, is in the Hospital! She has some scary infection related to her cancer surgery. It would be a shame if this is what makes her lose to Barbara Boxer, because Fiorina is such a vapid mean-girl dolt that it’s basically unfair to Breast Cancer if her Poor Health trumps the many other reasons she is completely unqualified to serve in the Senate. Also, Meg Whitman accidentally and hilariously made a commercial endorsing Jerry Brown for governor! Read more on Carly Fiorina In Hospital, Meg Whitman Concedes To Governor Brown…
  rumors on the internets

Dancing With the Stars: Insidious Mind Control?

McDonald’s was SECRETLY Halal for a day or two, which infuriated the Teabaggers because they paid for PIG-anus, goddamnit, not some disgusting Sharia meat. [Creeping Sharia] Science proves that Moses used miracle wind-power, just like Captain Planet, to part the Red Sea. [InstituteForCreationResearch] Read more on Dancing With the Stars: Insidious Mind Control?…
  cartoon violence

What a Drag It Is Getting Old

By the Comics CurmudgeonRemember when we elected a young, handsome president? This was a whole 23 months ago, so obviously the sweet blush of youth is long gone from the man’s face, replaced by a sort of tired, ashy pallor. The presidency is a killer — never doubt this! But in a way, Barack Obama’s premature aging is a metaphor for America, which is also getting old and worn-out. And if there’s one medium that’s good at expressing these sorts of metaphors of aging, it’s cartooning. (Political cartoonists are all old, because all young cartoonists are drawing tentacle rape hentai on the Internet.) Read more on What a Drag It Is Getting Old…
  sweeping out sleeping in

Meg Whitman’s Illegal Mexican Housekeeper Was Illegal, Mexican

Gloria Allred, one of those high-profile controversial lawyer people, shoved Meg Whitman’s former illegal immigrant housekeeper into the limelight today, because now is a pretty good time to do that. Nicky Diaz–Santillan worked for Whitman for nine illegal years, but was apparently fired when Whitman was preparing to run for governor because she was illegal. So how often did Meg Whitman beat this woman during those nine years for not illegally doing her job correctly? Read more on Meg Whitman’s Illegal Mexican Housekeeper Was Illegal, Mexican…
  California Über Alles

Liveblogging the Jerry Brown-Meg Whitman Heat-Wave Death Match

Should we liveblog the Jerry v. Meg death match? Well, we just held an election on Twitter and we won with 99.7% of the vote! So join us at 6PM California Death-Heat Time for the California Gov Debate, starring the Jedi monk Jerry Brown (of California’s famous 1970s) and that person whose face is on every commercial and Internet ad, because she is literally spending hundreds of MILLIONS of dollars to run for governor of a bankrupt state everybody is fleeing, Meg Whitman (of the 1990s Dot-Com bubble). Read more on Liveblogging the Jerry Brown-Meg Whitman Heat-Wave Death Match…
  do not want

Founder of eBay Won’t Endorse Meg Whitman, Either

You know who hates Meg Whitman? Everybody who ever had to deal with her, that’s who. The Los Angeles Times reports: Pierre Omidyar, who created EBay and hired Meg Whitman as his company’s chief executive, said Tuesday that he would not endorse her and would find it “difficult” to vote for her for governor if he still lived in California. Read more on Founder of eBay Won’t Endorse Meg Whitman, Either…
  grassroots support

Meg Whitman Gives Herself a Lot Of Money, Again

Meg Whitman, the Republican gubernatorial candidate in California, is the People’s Candidate. Meg Whitman knows this in her heart, and that is why Meg Whitman donated an ass-ton of money to herself, again: Read more on Meg Whitman Gives Herself a Lot Of Money, Again…
  that lady is a modern-day don draper

Bill Clinton Endorses Meg Whitman, Is Having Affair With Gennifer Flowers

Not all of Meg Whitman’s ads are about how much she loves Mexicans. Some of them are about how Bill Clinton hates Jerry Brown and thinks Gloria Estefan is a goddess of the stage. Elect Meg Whitman, California, and you will have four more years of Zubaz. [Weigel] Read more on Bill Clinton Endorses Meg Whitman, Is Having Affair With Gennifer Flowers…
  meg whitman loves hispanic things you guys

Trying To Decipher Meg Whitman’s Messican Advertisement

WHAT? Speak American! Meg Whitman has decided to court the Messicans in her race for California governor, and here is her first ad. It airs today during a soccer match, so apparently she’s trying to get the gay vote too. What is being said? WE DON’T KNOW, WE’RE AMERICAN. So here’s an attempt to figure out what’s being said by what’s going on in the video. Read more on Trying To Decipher Meg Whitman’s Messican Advertisement…
  violent furry freaks

Anger Bear Meg Whitman Shoved Lady Colleague Before ‘Second Life’ Interview With Reuters

Sorry if the headline makes no sense to humans, but it’s completely accurate. Meg Whitman, who for some reason spent $71 million of her own fortune to win the GOP primary for the utterly unwanted job of California Governor, is supposedly “qualified” because she worked at eBay for a while. And that’s where she went so nuts this one time that she “became angry and forcefully pushed” a colleague who was trying to prepare her for an interview with a Reuters reporter within the mid-2000s sex-avatar chat room called “Second Life.” And then Whitman/eBay settled with the lady for about $200,000, and Meg Whitman left the job she had planned to keep for a decade. Read more on Anger Bear Meg Whitman Shoved Lady Colleague Before ‘Second Life’ Interview With Reuters…
  it's morning in america

Carly & Meg, In Every Important Way, Are Dianne & Barbara

Meg Whitman, who hit “buy it now” on the most expensive GOP primary campaign for the unwanted job of Governor of California, is much like Carly Fiorina, who cut the market value of Hewlett Packard by a remarkable 60% during her dismal reign as CEO of that company before spending millions of her own fortune to win the GOP primary for a California Senate seat. But both Republicans are, in the most important ways, exactly the same as Democratic Senators Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein, who both won their historic races in 1992, and are liberal Democrats instead of flimsy Republicans momentarily disguised as hard-right anti-Mexican dingbats. Read more on Carly & Meg, In Every Important Way, Are Dianne & Barbara… Read more on Carly & Meg, In Every Important Way, Are Dianne & Barbara…
  it's morning in america

Other Non-Liveblogged Primaries Also Merit Your Attention!

And now, the primary results you’ve all been waiting for … the race for the GOP nomination for South Carolina’s first congressional district! Wait, you weren’t waiting for this? Well, fuck you. Strom Thurmond’s son advanced to a runoff against the only black Republican in South Carolina’s state legislature. Bet you think it’s interesting now, huh? Jerk. Read more on Other Non-Liveblogged Primaries Also Merit Your Attention!… Read more on Other Non-Liveblogged Primaries Also Merit Your Attention!…
  demon sheep super tuesday

Liveblogging the West Coast Ladies Night & Good-Bye To Jim Gibbons

Polls are closed everywhere! We see the light at the end of the tunnel. (It is called “tomorrow morning.”) But we’ve already got some very happy news to report: Pig-eyed drunken would-be rapist and serial crook Jim Gibbons has lost the governorship of Nevada! Not that anyone will really notice; he never actually showed up for work, in Nevada. Too busy knocking down cocktail waitresses and getting divorced and “buying tomatoes” while those annoying voters asked him to cut taxes and send their welfare checks. Good-bye Jim! Hope you have a heart attack on the toilet soon! Read more on Liveblogging the West Coast Ladies Night & Good-Bye To Jim Gibbons…
  it's morning in america

Meg ‘eBay’ Whitman Loses 50-Point Lead, Would Not Do Business With Again

For unknown reasons, former tech executive Meg Whitman decided she wanted to be the Republican candidate for governor, in California. Whitman has already spent $68 million of her fortune on this campaign, and now her 50-point lead in the polls is down to 9 percent. That is a pretty terrible return on her investment! Read more on Meg ‘eBay’ Whitman Loses 50-Point Lead, Would Not Do Business With Again… Read more on Meg ‘eBay’ Whitman Loses 50-Point Lead, Would Not Do Business With Again…
  this is all true

ATTACK AD: Meg Whitman Ran eBay, And eBay Had Porn

This one’s kind of a STRETCH — meaning, “effective.” California Republican gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner is attacking his primary opponent Meg Whitman, former CEO of eBay, for having all sorts of porn available on the eBay while she was running it. Poizner’s ad even shows an insecure teenager about to jerk off to Meg Whitman’s eBay.com, the #1 pornography site on the Internet. “Meg Whitman started a separate division that only sells porn.” WHAT A MONSTER! Go back to mixing it in with children’s books and gardening supplies! [Ben Smith] Read more on ATTACK AD: Meg Whitman Ran eBay, And eBay Had Porn…
  democracy's legacy

There Is Nothing That Carly Fiorina Hated More In The 90s Than Voting

Carly Fiorina is notable for exactly one thing: like three weeks ago, she became famous for having the Internet’s worst website. She thought it would be enough, you see, to let people know that the worlds “Carly Fiorina” sort of sound like “California,” and this is how she expected to defeat Barbara Boxer for her Senate seat. Just by pointing out this one thing. But now there’s a new Carly Fiorina thing! Specifically Fiorina, like eBay lady/gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman, doesn’t care for voting, just simply does not care for it. Read more on There Is Nothing That Carly Fiorina Hated More In The 90s Than Voting…