Wonkette

OMG. Steve Novick is a hobbit from Oregon who is running for Senate as a Democrat, and he also has a hook hand. He opens a beer with his HOOK HAND, and it’s among the better things we’ve seen in life. He also owns an HDTV and is an Arugula Liberal Elitist. Vote Steve Novick! We must get this man to Washington so he can open beers for us, like a pirate. [YouTube via Steve Novick]

Pennsylvania’s fifth congressional district front-runner, Republican Derek Walker, has been charged with two misdeameanors and four felonies for jaywalking repeatedly. And by jaywalking we mean stalking and videotaping some guy slamming Walker’s ex-girlfriend at her house. The question is, of course, whose sex bits was his camera focusing on? MORE »

This is Bill Cahir, Iraq War veteran hero and Democratic congressional candidate from Pennsylvania’s 5th district. His last name is pronounced “Care,” as in “Care Bears.” Here is a video of him trying to explain the pronunciation to Pennsylvania’s rural voters, who don’t buy his fancy-pants space alien phonics. [YouTube via Philadelphia Will Do]