Are we sure that John McCain wants to win the election? Like, really, really sure? Because going on Meet the Press and trying to educate the public about Saddam’s evil ways to show why we probably should’ve still gotten into a war (that everyone but Bill Kristol hates) despite the lack of WMDs is probably not the way to get elected. Also, he wants us to know that he recently met with “a high-ranking former al Qaeda operative” in Iraq and, um, I thought we were torturing all those guys in Cuba these days? Or did he just run into him in the market? Whatever. Also, people, “if frogs had wings” then lots of cool stuff might happen, including them not bumping their asses when they hop and McCain getting the nomination.

Ice, buses, John Edwards, coffee shops, ethanol, farmers, ice, darkness … is it any wonder the national press corps is having a group nervous breakdown in Iowa? Here are some grim blind-item examples of people with broken hearts and broken minds: MORE »

Mike Huckabee, seeking to channel Kang’s seminal policy position from the 1996 debates of “Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others,” ran circles around the abortion question on Meet the Press this weekend. He believes that the scientific evidence shows that life begins at conception, women are victims of abortionists and doctors who accept money for abortions should be punished. From this, we now assume that Huckabee’s position on Roe vs Wade is that abortions should only be legal when they’re free and that “we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.” All that twirling, though, can really make you dizzy, so be careful.

We pretty much could spend the whole week showing clips of Ron Paul’s idiotic appearance on Meet the Press last Sunday, but we’ll stop with this (just to practice our self-discipline). Among the other topics he discussed with Tim Russert was his plan to amend the Constitution to not let teh Messicans become US citizens. He mentions that amending the Constitution is constitutional. How true, how true. The only thing about that argument is that, um, it kind of negates his entire platform of not fucking with the Constitution. So if changing the Constitution is constitutional, and his platform is based on not changing the Constitution, then his platform is unconstitutional? This can only mean… GO RON PAUL 2008!!!11!1!!

You know, considering how much we make fun of the Paultards, we’re pretty easy on Paul himself. He seems like a decent, honest guy. I mean COMPLETELY batshit crazy, obvs, but still, not a douchey panderer. After watching him on Meet the Press yesterday, however, I’ve decided he’s not only a dick, but also a hypocritical retard — just like his followers. He is a dick with his haughty insistence that Tim Russert doesn’t know shit — this might be true some days, but Russert’s arguments yesterday were pretty unfuckwithable. He is a hypocritical retard in the way he explains his long history of inserting earmarks for his congressional district and then voting against them. He claims that in the current “system,” earmarks are accepted, and he has to play along. No, no, leading by example would just be too much. And with that, I’d like to dub Ron Paul a Paultard.

On Meet the Press today, Mitt Romney described his reaction to the Mormon church’s 1978 decision to allow black people to fully participate: He cried like a little baby! A wittle pwecious wacist toddlew. MORE »

While Liz Glover was working her video mojo on the red carpet, the other Liz — Liz Gorman — snuck inside and clicked away. Prince of Darkness? Check. Tim Russert? Check. Ben Bradlee? Check. Well, pretty much all of the Washington was there to lick boot and celebrate their awesomeness. Enjoy!

Have either of these two men ever looked so uncomfortable?

MORE »

Patrick Fitzgerald cut some kind of mysterious deal with Tim Russert to get the TV entertainer to briefly testify, but Scooter Libby’s lawyers want to know what Russert was promised and why “prosecutors failed to ask Russert a number of important questions.” MORE »

Mike Huckabee, fitness guru, musician, rapist-pardoner, and right-wing Arkansan, wants to be your president. And he just might announce this weekend. MORE »