Wonkette

At about the 7-minute mark in this clip from yesterday’s Meet the Press, Joe Lieberman nervously clears his throat and giggles that John McCain has not had any sexual reassignment surgery (that we know of!) and he “remains all male. There’s no question about that.” However, it is a known fact that 98 percent of Republican male candidates have their human testicles removed and replaced with TRUCK NUTZ. What is John McCain hiding? [Meet the Press/YouTube]

A week and a half ago NBC newsman and Meet the Press moderator Tim Russert died, and the earth stopped in its orbit and let out a wild yawp of despair for the most wonderful person who ever lived. Speculation quickly ensued about who would replace Russert in a job that he alone among all living humans was uniquely suited to do: sit in a chair and ask politicians questions. And now we know who will host Meet the Press until the “election,” which will be called off at the last minute when we start bombing Iran. It’s Tom Brokaw! MORE »

NBC/MSNBC political broadcaster Tim Russert died today at work in Washington, killed by a sudden heart attack. Russert and his family had just returned from a vacation in Italy where they were celebrating the college graduation of son Luke. The VP of News for NBC and head of all Washington operations for the network, Russert joined the company in 1984 after working for Democratic campaigns. He took over Meet the Press in 1991 and won myriad awards for his journalism and books. Good-bye Tim! Election night won’t be the same without you. And now, let’s enjoy a Wonkette/YouTube/Photo tribute to “Lil’ Russ.” MORE »

Here is the most painfully awkward moment in the last two days, where Clinton campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe tells Tim Russert that his father, “Big Russ,” is dead and watching on from Heaven. “Big Russ” is not dead at all. What revenge does the Hillary campaign have planned for MSNBC? Oh right, killing Tim Russert’s father. [YouTube]

Are we sure that John McCain wants to win the election? Like, really, really sure? Because going on Meet the Press and trying to educate the public about Saddam’s evil ways to show why we probably should’ve still gotten into a war (that everyone but Bill Kristol hates) despite the lack of WMDs is probably not the way to get elected. Also, he wants us to know that he recently met with “a high-ranking former al Qaeda operative” in Iraq and, um, I thought we were torturing all those guys in Cuba these days? Or did he just run into him in the market? Whatever. Also, people, “if frogs had wings” then lots of cool stuff might happen, including them not bumping their asses when they hop and McCain getting the nomination.

Ice, buses, John Edwards, coffee shops, ethanol, farmers, ice, darkness … is it any wonder the national press corps is having a group nervous breakdown in Iowa? Here are some grim blind-item examples of people with broken hearts and broken minds: MORE »

Mike Huckabee, seeking to channel Kang’s seminal policy position from the 1996 debates of “Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others,” ran circles around the abortion question on Meet the Press this weekend. He believes that the scientific evidence shows that life begins at conception, women are victims of abortionists and doctors who accept money for abortions should be punished. From this, we now assume that Huckabee’s position on Roe vs Wade is that abortions should only be legal when they’re free and that “we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.” All that twirling, though, can really make you dizzy, so be careful.

We pretty much could spend the whole week showing clips of Ron Paul’s idiotic appearance on Meet the Press last Sunday, but we’ll stop with this (just to practice our self-discipline). Among the other topics he discussed with Tim Russert was his plan to amend the Constitution to not let teh Messicans become US citizens. He mentions that amending the Constitution is constitutional. How true, how true. The only thing about that argument is that, um, it kind of negates his entire platform of not fucking with the Constitution. So if changing the Constitution is constitutional, and his platform is based on not changing the Constitution, then his platform is unconstitutional? This can only mean… GO RON PAUL 2008!!!11!1!!

You know, considering how much we make fun of the Paultards, we’re pretty easy on Paul himself. He seems like a decent, honest guy. I mean COMPLETELY batshit crazy, obvs, but still, not a douchey panderer. After watching him on Meet the Press yesterday, however, I’ve decided he’s not only a dick, but also a hypocritical retard — just like his followers. He is a dick with his haughty insistence that Tim Russert doesn’t know shit — this might be true some days, but Russert’s arguments yesterday were pretty unfuckwithable. He is a hypocritical retard in the way he explains his long history of inserting earmarks for his congressional district and then voting against them. He claims that in the current “system,” earmarks are accepted, and he has to play along. No, no, leading by example would just be too much. And with that, I’d like to dub Ron Paul a Paultard.

On Meet the Press today, Mitt Romney described his reaction to the Mormon church’s 1978 decision to allow black people to fully participate: He cried like a little baby! A wittle pwecious wacist toddlew. MORE »