GOOD THING BARACK OBAMA DID NOT ALSO ASK THAT AMERICA RECEIVE THIS TOO: Hey mazel tov to the three Americans who have WON the Nobel Prize in Medicine and therefore the morning. It is also the first time that two lady scientists have shared the prize. “The three scientists won the prize for experiments that showed that the long thread-like molecules that carry genes inside every cell known as chromosomes have protective caps on their ends — like the protective tips on shoelaces — called telomeres, which are replenished with an enzyme known as telomerase.” TOO INSIDERY. [Washington Post]

Little-known fact about this revolutionary new healthcare scheme for all Americans: it will force you to have your genitals remade into opposite-looking genitals. But the procedure will be “free,” sort of, just like those abortions you’ll be enjoying on demand. MORE »

The world will always remember the day when the Obama presidency began its tragic downward spiral: the day that Dr. Sanjay Gupta, television’s handsomest authority on thyroid pills, decided that he wanted to “spend more time with his family” rather than Serve the Nation as surgeon general. Since then, Obama has been helplessly casting about looking for America’s Doctor and finding nothing but a swarm of venal insurance industry whores in white coats. MORE »

The life of Butterstick the National Zoo panda follows an all-too-common trajectory: we’ve seen him grow from adorable infant to teenage crack-whore to compulsive leg-humper and now, to a middle-aged adult with irritable bowels. MORE »

Hey Obama waited until the last minute to pick a surgeon general, the government’s top doctor! SHIT SHIT SHIT who should he pick?? Uh uh uhhhhhh… quick, without even thinking: name a famous real-life teevee doctor! Him? Sure, fine, whatever, he can run America’s doctors. MORE »

Ewww, observe this gross map! This eye-searing cross between a ribeye steak and a six-week fetus is supposed to illustrate something important about voting patterns by representing the size of a state according to population rather than acreage. This frees sad coastal Democrats from the “tyranny of geography” and puts uppity Wyoming Republicans in their place (i.e. nowhere). MORE »

Everybody wants to know if John McCain is equipped to serve out a full term in office before expiring of the Old Age Vapours, so his team is assembling a squadron of doctors to vouch for his excellent physical health. This is a man who broke every bone in his body, including the little dealies in his inner ear, before having them each systematically removed and then re-inserted at a 45 degree angle in a sterile Vietnamese Torture Prison. He also had half his face cut off because of Face Cancer. MORE »

* This is how the world will end, not with a bang, but a clank, and the thump of a pneumatic hammer on an elevator. We’re relieved that no one was hurt, but it sure was exciting covering all the action. Er, whatever it is that passes for action. In the end, the biggest danger of the day was the risk of some soiled gabardine, but even that was averted. MORE »

Really, what is there to say, but WHAT THE FUCK.

Frist, at heart, is a doctor. At 5:45 a.m., before a recent Senate workday, he prepared for a quirky slice of surgery. During congressional breaks, Frist, 54, has been known to fly to Africa to operate. But in Washington, he has quietly cultivated another practice: gorillas at the National Zoo.

It is very difficult to refrain from quoting this entire column. This entire insane, hideous fever dream of a column. It is the story of BILL FRIST — GORILLA SURGEON!

Won’t you join us after the jump?

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