mcdonald’s
No, Employees, McDonalds Will Not Be Paying You Overtime To Serve Their Garbage On Christmas
Remember our friend Tyree Johnson, the McDonald’s employee who is still earning minimum wage after 20 years of service? Well damn if the corporate overlords haven’t found another way to screw him and his. We thought they might be out of ideas for the year, but no, they are not, because they are going to try [...]
America: Land Of The (Working For) Free
Yesterday we brought you the depressing story of a man who had worked for McDonald’s for twenty years and was still getting paid minimum wage. Now, of course, there is an argument to be made that it was kind of his fault that he was still getting paid minimum wage after all those years. Instead of [...]
McDonald’s Employee Excited to Be Earning Minimum Wage After 20 Years On the Job
Time is money, you guys, and money is time (as well as speech) which is why this nice McDonald’s worker would have to work for ONE MILLION HOURS to make as much as the McDonald’s CEO did in 2011 alone. The CEO’s time is just that much more valuable, so the Market has put a [...]
Romney: My Dad Had a Golden Ticket For a Free Lunch At McDonald’s And My Wife Has a Magical Pony
As a sign of his willingness to help out political bloggers and cartoonists everywhere, Mitt Romney yesterday generously told another dumb story about his family’s near-magical life of privilege and ease: “I found a little paper card, a little pink card, and it said, ‘This entitles George W. Romney to a lifetime of a hamburger, [...]
Everybody Is Going Out To McDonald’s Except Mitt Romney
Happy Friday, everyone! Isn’t it great when we as Americans are friends with gay people and immigrants and Saudi Arabia? We should throw a party and all hang out together! But shhh don’t invite Mitt. He’s too busy giving speeches in Michigan. Also, he’s lame. Obama’s big announcements about gay marriage and immigration continually make [...]
American Hero Eats Sandwich
A special ceremony is planned Tuesday afternoon at McDonald’s in Fond du Lac for Don Gorske. That’s because, since 1972, Gorske has eaten at least two Big Macs a day, which means the 57-year-old will be eating his 25,000th Big Mac on the 39th anniversary of eating his first. Good he got that in now. [...]
Teabagger Puts Budget Deal In Terms Teabaggers Can Understand: McDonald’s
The $60 billion that the Republicans wanted to cut from spending (simple cuts, not “reductions in rates”) was to the Federal Budget what 1/2 of a French Fry would be to a Big Mac Value Meal (medium size). That’s right, 1/2 of a fry. So why did the Dems manage to get the Republicans to [...]
McDonald’s Will Hire 50,000 of America’s 24.3 Million Unemployed
Good news, hamburglars! Industrial cow-parts processor “McDonaldland Corporation” will hire 50,000 of the nation’s 24,300,000 million officially unemployed, “involuntary part-time” and “discouraged” workers. Just show up at your local McDonald’s (or the other one, at the next offramp) on April 19 and you may be one of the lucky .002% of unwanted American laborers to [...]
‘Street Guy’ Michael Steele Seeks Second Term
Michael Steele informed the Republican National Committee last night that he would seek a second term as RNC chair, causing committee members to choke on their mint juleps and then beat their Rentboys with riding crops as they whispered to themselves “that Negro!,” over and over and over again. Moments later, Steele appeared on Greta [...]
Why Does Obama Hate America’s Most Patriotic Beverage?
America’s hipsters will soon have a new ironic, chemically aged piss-beer to drink, but only if the bravest beer baron in America successfully sues the federal government for his first amendment right to plaster the American flag all over his fermented garbage. [NewsOK] Uh oh, some Jihadists issued a fatwa against McDonald’s. Where will K-Lo [...]
Drop Off Your Ballot and Pick Up a Delicious American Anus Burger
There’s no better salve for the empty feeling you get after casting your ballot than the gooey greasy salt-fat blob of a delicious anus burger sliding down your throat to rest in your gut alongside the “beef tallow” sodium stick fries and 72 ounces of corn syrup you just consumed as an appetizer. You might [...]
Fat Employee Sues McDonald’s
This time it’s a BRAZILIAN activist judge legislating from the bench: A Brazilian court ruled this week that McDonald’s must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds while working there for a dozen years. The 32-year-old man said he felt forced to sample the food each day to ensure quality standards [...]
‘Baby’s Snatch’ Ends Hilariously With Classic Government Restraint
That whole Teabagger baby-stealing episode is finally over, and the child has been given to its parents, even though those parents still do not have custody of two previous children, who are now in foster care because a judge ruled the father had abused one of them. This is confusing all the Teabaggers who were [...]
Dancing With the Stars: Insidious Mind Control?
McDonald’s was SECRETLY Halal for a day or two, which infuriated the Teabaggers because they paid for PIG-anus, goddamnit, not some disgusting Sharia meat. [Creeping Sharia] Science proves that Moses used miracle wind-power, just like Captain Planet, to part the Red Sea. [InstituteForCreationResearch] Monopolies are actually GOOD for competitive enterprise, because it makes the competition [...]
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