John McCain’s former TUFF-TALKING campaign strategist Steve Schmidt—whose job it was to knowingly tell outrageous lies in attempts to try to manipulate an entire nation into electing Sarah Palin, some sort of mystical and feared Loch Ness character who figures prominently in the oral histories of the moose community—has changed his mind. He has changed his mind, ladies and gentleman, about Sarah Palin. MORE »

• McCain thinks YouTube is removing his Franki Valli remixes—kids love these—so he is suing the Internet. It is like four days until the election. [The Caucus]
• Here are two memos confirming all the torture the White House has OKed, including the methods used at Abu Ghraib. [TPMMuckraker]
• Maybe you’re on the no-fly list, maybe you’re even a terrorist! Hey, no “judgment” ha ha.  The November issue of the Atlantic includes instructions for getting past security, just for you. [Mother Jones]
• Look, it’s the lost videodiary of Obama, Rev. Wright and Che Guevara, back in their Hamas days. [Top of the Ticket]
• Sarah Palin accessories with charms of things she’s killed with a helicopter, a blowtorch and a slingshot.  [Crooks and Liars]

• When McCain said he was dropping out of the race to fix the economy, he was really having a filthy swingers orgy, in public, with Joe and Hadassah. [Ben Smith]
• Simulate the retarded, child-like speech patterns of national idiot Sarah Palin, with this fun word-generating internet machine! [Andrew Sullivan]
• Bill Kristol wants McCain to suspend his campaign once more, to go fix the economy all over again. [Weekly Standard]
• Pun abuser Maureen Dowd is BANNED from McCain’s Straight Talk Air. [Howard Kurtz]
• You know what’s also on the verge of collapse? Pakistan. Pakistan has become too big and too expensive for the taxpayers.  [Matthew Yglesias]
• Maybe instead of “bailout” this thing should have been called “Economic Stability Plan” or “Hey Let’s Nuke Iran” and then more Republicans would have gotten behind it. [Politico]

• Maybe we underestimated this Palin gal, as she too has a media-ready batshit Nazi preacher. [Political Punch]
• Oh look, it’s a photo from a sexy clothing catalogue with theme of failure, featuring Sarah Palin modeling some hideous t-shirt celebrating the homestyle Alaskan corruption that she reformed. [Ben Smith]
• The NRA told Sarah Palin to fire her aerobics class friend, Wasilla Police Chief Irl Stambaugh, for opposing a concealed gun law. She tried to, and he sued her for doing this thing. [Crooks and Liars]
• Alberto Gonzales’ only defense for why he took home classified NSA files is that he is illiterate, which… well, fine. [TPMMuckraker]
• McCain’s hanging out with known woman Sarah Palin like six times is not convincing very many ladies to vote for him. [Political Wire]
• Romney and Schwarzenegger were both AWOL at the RNC, but guess which one sent along DVDs of every terrible movie in which he played a benevolent robot in his place? [Top of the Ticket]

Oh no! Condi’s stuck on repeat! Or maybe shuffle! She went places, she met people… but it all seems so familiar, like she’s just coasting for the next eight months or something. I don’t know about you, but there are some Condi reruns I’d much rather see, so let’s use the magical, revelatory power of Photoshop to pump up the Condiweek that was… after the jump, natch!

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Veteran Condiwatchers thought the ridiculous vice presidential rumors were over and done with, but oh no, there was to be one final, glorious flare-up last week to finally burn them to cinders. What else has America’s Princess Diplomat been up to for the last seven days? Well, it all involves paperweights, cutesy baseball references, Jimmy Carter, and torture! Yay! Find out all about it after the jump.

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Have you noticed the strange phenomenon known as Wonkette commenter “Serolf Divad,” if that is his real name? Somehow — often within minutes of a new post — this shady character posts a hilarious new photoshopped image/cartoon thing in the comments, Like this one of John McCain and George W. Bush Jr. and Top Gun legend Tom Cruise, which appeared mere nanoseconds after we published the original item. So many more examples, after the jump. MORE »

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Condi got to go back to the rumored land of her ancestors. No, not Russia, Africa! Her last trip there was a royal dud, but this time she brought along friends: the boss, his wife, Josh Bolten, etc., and she got to see the boss dance! She got a pretty sash! She got molested by scary natives! And then she got back and nobody cared. Relive the magic, after the jump…

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McCain is talking to the CPAC! Will he be booed offstage? How many times will Walnuts say “my friends” to this assemblage of enemies? Let’s see! MORE »

Bob Dole, the kindly old gent who once ran for president and brought the nation the gift of erectile dysfunction, told Rush Limbaugh yesterday to quit bagging on John McCain. The 110-year-old former Senator took up quill and parchment and penned a stern rebuke. “I have not seen you in a long time but I do hear you frequently,” Dole’s letter begins. MORE »

According to John Zogby’s latest poll, Republican Senator John “Walnuts!” McCain is leading pretty much everywhere except in the great state of California, where conservatives want a leader with executive experience and magic underoos. MORE »