Were you in northern New Jersey this morning? Ha ha, now you are in jail, maybe! Seems the FBI arbitrarily decided that today would be a good day to just arrest every powerful person for their obvious, constant corruption crimes, and so they did, and now most mayors, rabbis, and “men from Brooklyn” are in jail — for doing business with the Israelis! MORE »

Your Wonkette loves its small-town Republican mayors who overshare their dumb little Obama jokes, so here’s some guy named Boyd Austin. A Wonkette Facebook troll operative claims that Austin is the mayor of something called “Dallas, Georgia.” And in his spare time, Austin likes to update his Facebook status with some of those wacky n***er jokes. Well, who knows what this really means.

We were going to give our recap of Barack Obama’s sexy party for mayors today based on this Jake Tapper article, but how lame would that be brosef? “Articles” are for your GRANDFATHER, right, so we’re checking Jake Tapper’s Twitter instead, cuz maybe we’re rad like that? Eh. Mid-major city mayors tend to be too blunt for national politicians, so this event appears to have been somewhat vulgar. Ha ha, they all wanted Ray Nagin to say something, because they knew it would be inappropriate, and it was. [ABC News, Twitter]

Sometimes comical ex-Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, was released from Detroit prison after 99 days of memorable anal sex (and a possible conversion to Muslin!) He was picked up by a private driver (remember to pay taxes on that!) and emerged to the screams of a full dozen insane “fans.” He remains on probation, duh, but this will not deter him from fulfilling the American dream: homesteading, and starting anew, in the West. Hooray for the “safety valve” theory of American expansion! Now let’s all go shoot people hmm? MORE »

Things haven’t gotten much better since we last checked in on Kwame Kilpatrick, the comical mayor of Detroit and a leading contender for Barack Obama’s black vice presidency. You may recall that his “woes” include bangin’ his chief of staff — the gal he seduced by texting racy notes about “Benz Chili Bowl” — and then firing a bunch of officials who found out about the affair, which he denied doing last summer until, of course, THE TEXTS CAME OUT. He also held sexy stripper parties at his mayoral mansion. So he’s the best mayor of Detroit since Eminem, and he’s under indictment for everything, and yesterday he basically vetoed his own ouster.

The city council is trying to get rid of this clown however it can.

It will likely follow the obvious path, which is that the council president, a monster named Shrek, says “WE GON REMOVE KWAME” to his friend Donkey, who is Eddie Murphy in Furry get-up, and then Monica Conyers is the evil purple dragon, the end. Wait, what? Oh, right: the city council can begin removal proceedings at the discretion of the council president, and probably will.

The council did, however, vote to request that Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm use her magical girl powers to remove Kilpatrick from office — a largely “symbolic” measure. But Kwame is a Man’s Man and does not like symbolism, which is why he VETOED THE MEASURE yesterday in hilariously tyrannical fashion:

But Bill Goodman, the council’s attorney, said Kilpatrick’s veto will have no impact on the proceedings that could lead to Kilpatrick’s ouster. That’s because only one person’s written request — in this case from council President Ken Cockrel Jr., acting on behalf of the council — is needed to begin the process, Goodman said.

Goodman called the mayor’s logic “lunacy” because the charter prohibits a mayoral veto on quasi-judicial actions.

Kilpatrick will likely respond that the charter says nothing about “Kwame-judicial actions.”

Mayor Kilpatrick vetoes removal effort [Detroit Free Press]

We forgot, do we like Michael Bloomberg or not? What’s the line on this guy, now that he’s not annoyingly running for president anymore? Although he’s no Bill O’Reilly, Bloomberg certainly has his pet peeves, the biggest of which is the world “maintain.” That word does not transcend race, at all. [YouTube via NY Observer]

This saucy minx is Becky Miller, the mayor of Carrollton, Texas, a Dallas suburb with 116,000 wonderful inhabitants. According to herself, she has dated and sung with all sorts of popular musicians from the 1970s, and her brother once died in Vietnam. But perhaps her crowning achievement is that she made all of this stuff up. MORE »

Let us revert our attention back to the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and his human foibles for some time today. Kilpatrick — the greatest mayor in American history — was indicted earlier this year for perjury, obstruction of justice and “conspiracy” along with his former chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Kilpatrick happened to be shtupping Beatty several years ago, and then some city officials got wind of it, and then Kilpatrick fired those city officials for… being lame? And then Kilpatrick and Beatty both completely lied about the nature of these firings in investigative hearings last year. But it was those text messages, those sexy text messages, that the two had exchanged back and forth that did them in. Now an 18-page memo has been released listing all of the good text messages Beatty and Kilpatrick shared. Let’s read them, LOL LOL! MORE »

Today is New York City’s “Poem in Your Pocket Day,” the most elitist holiday in America (besides San Francisco on any given Friday). And the latest America’s Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has penned a glorious poem for his pocket in celebration. It is called “Press Conference,” and the gist of it is that Press Conferences are terrible. It rhymes too! How post-postmodern. MORE »

Let’s turn our attention ever so briefly to Wilmer, Texas, a town of 3,400 patriotic citizens outside of Dallas. Wilmer has an important mayoral election on May 10. The incumbent, Don Hudson, could lose his seat to James Brian Sliter, 42. Sliter is an accountant by trade (and a real whiz at it, we hear!), and he also really, really likes trying to have sex with 15-year-old girls he meets on the Internet. MORE »

America’s most fun mayor, Detroit’s Kwame Kilpatrick, continues to become a better and better role model — some say the best since Eminem. Wait, who? Oh yes, Detroit and its mayor, who recently was caught for sending sexy sex text messages with his chief of staff, for sex. And now, the Michigan attorney general’s office says it will launch a probe into claims that Kilpatrick “threw a party with strippers at the mayor’s mansion in 2002.” Lady strippers. [AP/NYT]