Tag Archives: mayors

  pantheon of fallen heroes

Farewell Janice Daniels, Celebrated Homophobe Mayor and Facebook Poet

As we continue to mourn our Fallen Heroes, let us not forget Mayor Janice Daniels of Troy, Michigan! This beloved character danced onto the pages of our Wonkette storybook earlier this year, when she put on her Snuggie, logged into her The Facebook account, and started yelling “QUEERS!!!!” at children. It did not take long for the people of Troy to decide they did not care for this Janice Daniels, because Troy is supposed to be known for its fancy mall, not an insane mayor. (The existence of Janice Daniels as mayor was a clear infringement upon Detroit’s exclusive rights to pathological mayors.) Last night, the people of Troy (Trojans?) successfully recalled their mayor, and so today, we offer a sincere slow-clap for them, and a big “I Heart NYC” gift bag full of tears for Janice Daniels. Read more on Farewell Janice Daniels, Celebrated Homophobe Mayor and Facebook Poet…
  cape not pictured

Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr

Those shameless libruls are at it again, making jokes about your teenage daughters and black men and THE SEXING. Only this time, these concepts are being strategically interwoven into a new hawt Tumblr, “Cory Booker Hey Girl” (much more sneaky than two short weeks ago, when Lena Dunham explained the importance of losing one’s virginity to Barack Obama in a polling booth). Perhaps you are familiar with this sort of Tumblr, because like any responsible American citizen, you harbor unrequited romantic feelings for actor Ryan Gosling. This new rendition of “Hey Girl” begs the question, “Sure, Ryan Gosling captured your heart when he ended racism by dancing in the ‘Remember the Titans’ locker room, but did he invite you into his living room to charge your iPhone?” Read more on Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr…
  america's greatest wingnut mayors

Comical California Mayor Gives This Chinese Autograph Seeker a Piece of His Mind

Santee, California Mayor Randy Voepel, according to the local Patch, recently received an email from a Chinese fellow who collects autographs asking for a contribution from Voepel. The email sort of resemnbles “spam email,” but we’re only saying that because we’re racist. But instead of deleting the email or not responding or, well, sending him the autograph he requested, Voepel decided to write back to the commie calling him a dirty commie, and more generally instructing him to fuck off. Read more on Comical California Mayor Gives This Chinese Autograph Seeker a Piece of His Mind…
  havens and haven-nots

East Haven Mayor’s Idea of Latino Outreach Is ‘Eating Some Tacos’

Four East Haven, Connecticut police officers were recently arrested by the FBI for unlawful abuse and search of some of the city’s Latino residents, but Mayor Joe Maturo’s immediate response to the arrests was so heinous as to suggest that maybe the officers had been told to be racist and abusive by a racist and abuse-loving mastermind who barely won the election that put him in his current position. When asked, following the arrests, what he would do to promote Latino outreach, Maturo said, “I might have tacos when I get home.” Well played, powerful Republican man. Read more on East Haven Mayor’s Idea of Latino Outreach Is ‘Eating Some Tacos’…
  nutter for president

Philadelphia Mayor Tells Citizens to Stop Being ‘Idiots and A**holes’

Mayor Michael Nutter, Democrat of Philadelphia, likes to swear, but he only really swears about people who deserve it, nor does he ever apologize for his remarks, and he is therefore kind of great and should run for president. In his latest viral video attempt, Nutter made some remarks about a Tuesday shooting that killed three teens, uttering a basic truth about people who shoot people: they are “idiots and assholes.” Video evidence forthwith. Read more on Philadelphia Mayor Tells Citizens to Stop Being ‘Idiots and A**holes’…
  by all means go ahead

Mayor Daley To Jam Rifle Up Reporter’s Butt, For Laffs

Omnipotent Chicago mob boss and mayor-for-life Richard Daley held a press conference with local reporters yesterday to discuss the city’s handgun ban that will probably be overturned by the Supreme Court, which loves giving citizens of violent death-towns as many handguns as the Constitution permits (10.9 trillion). It was a very serious affair, and Daley brought all sorts of guns to show the reporters how bad they are. When one reporter asked the Mayor how effective the ban has been, Daley picked up a rifle, giggled, and said he would stick it up the reporter’s butt? To demonstrate… huh? Read more on Mayor Daley To Jam Rifle Up Reporter’s Butt, For Laffs…
  oh well

Everyone In New Jersey Arrested — Capitalism Now Illegal??

Were you in northern New Jersey this morning? Ha ha, now you are in jail, maybe! Seems the FBI arbitrarily decided that today would be a good day to just arrest every powerful person for their obvious, constant corruption crimes, and so they did, and now most mayors, rabbis, and “men from Brooklyn” are in jail — for doing business with the Israelis! Read more on Everyone In New Jersey Arrested — Capitalism Now Illegal??…
  austin/santelli 2012

Someone Please Decipher What This Small Town Mayor *Means*

Your Wonkette loves its small-town Republican mayors who overshare their dumb little Obama jokes, so here’s some guy named Boyd Austin. A Wonkette Facebook troll operative claims that Austin is the mayor of something called “Dallas, Georgia.” And in his spare time, Austin likes to update his Facebook status with some of those wacky n***er jokes. Well, who knows what this really means. Read more on Someone Please Decipher What This Small Town Mayor *Means*…
  especially ray nagin

See, This Is Why Mayors Can’t Have Nice Things

We were going to give our recap of Barack Obama’s sexy party for mayors today based on this Jake Tapper article, but how lame would that be brosef? “Articles” are for your GRANDFATHER, right, so we’re checking Jake Tapper’s Twitter instead, cuz maybe we’re rad like that? Eh. Mid-major city mayors tend to be too blunt for national politicians, so this event appears to have been somewhat vulgar. Ha ha, they all wanted Ray Nagin to say something, because they knew it would be inappropriate, and it was. [ABC News, Twitter] Read more on See, This Is Why Mayors Can’t Have Nice Things…
  that guy

Kwame Kilpatrick Released From Jail, Makes Bee-Line To Benz Chili Bowl

Sometimes comical ex-Detroit mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, was released from Detroit prison after 99 days of memorable anal sex (and a possible conversion to Muslin!) He was picked up by a private driver (remember to pay taxes on that!) and emerged to the screams of a full dozen insane “fans.” He remains on probation, duh, but this will not deter him from fulfilling the American dream: homesteading, and starting anew, in the West. Hooray for the “safety valve” theory of American expansion! Now let’s all go shoot people hmm? Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Released From Jail, Makes Bee-Line To Benz Chili Bowl…
 

Kwame Kilpatrick Vetoes His Own Removal

Things haven’t gotten much better since we last checked in on Kwame Kilpatrick, the comical mayor of Detroit and a leading contender for Barack Obama’s black vice presidency. You may recall that his “woes” include bangin’ his chief of staff — the gal he seduced by texting racy notes about “Benz Chili Bowl” — and then firing a bunch of officials who found out about the affair, which he denied doing last summer until, of course, THE TEXTS CAME OUT. He also held sexy stripper parties at his mayoral mansion. So he’s the best mayor of Detroit since Eminem, and he’s under indictment for everything, and yesterday he basically vetoed his own ouster. Read more on Kwame Kilpatrick Vetoes His Own Removal…
 

Michael Bloomberg’s A Sociopath

We forgot, do we like Michael Bloomberg or not? What’s the line on this guy, now that he’s not annoyingly running for president anymore? Although he’s no Bill O’Reilly, Bloomberg certainly has his pet peeves, the biggest of which is the world “maintain.” That word does not transcend race, at all. [YouTube via NY Observer] Read more on Michael Bloomberg’s A Sociopath…
 

Meet The New Lying Hillary Clinton!

This saucy minx is Becky Miller, the mayor of Carrollton, Texas, a Dallas suburb with 116,000 wonderful inhabitants. According to herself, she has dated and sung with all sorts of popular musicians from the 1970s, and her brother once died in Vietnam. But perhaps her crowning achievement is that she made all of this stuff up. Read more on Meet The New Lying Hillary Clinton!…
 

A Children’s Treasury of Sexy Text Messages From Detroit’s Greatest Mayor

Let us revert our attention back to the Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, and his human foibles for some time today. Kilpatrick — the greatest mayor in American history — was indicted earlier this year for perjury, obstruction of justice and “conspiracy” along with his former chief of staff, Christine Beatty. Kilpatrick happened to be shtupping Beatty several years ago, and then some city officials got wind of it, and then Kilpatrick fired those city officials for… being lame? And then Kilpatrick and Beatty both completely lied about the nature of these firings in investigative hearings last year. But it was those text messages, those sexy text messages, that the two had exchanged back and forth that did them in. Now an 18-page memo has been released listing all of the good text messages Beatty and Kilpatrick shared. Let’s read them, LOL LOL! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Sexy Text Messages From Detroit’s Greatest Mayor…
 

Mike Bloomberg Writes Existentialist Poem About Tragedy of Fame

Today is New York City’s “Poem in Your Pocket Day,” the most elitist holiday in America (besides San Francisco on any given Friday). And the latest America’s Mayor, Michael Bloomberg, has penned a glorious poem for his pocket in celebration. It is called “Press Conference,” and the gist of it is that Press Conferences are terrible. It rhymes too! How post-postmodern. Read more on Mike Bloomberg Writes Existentialist Poem About Tragedy of Fame…
 

Sex Offender Running For Texas Mayor, While Naked

Let’s turn our attention ever so briefly to Wilmer, Texas, a town of 3,400 patriotic citizens outside of Dallas. Wilmer has an important mayoral election on May 10. The incumbent, Don Hudson, could lose his seat to James Brian Sliter, 42. Sliter is an accountant by trade (and a real whiz at it, we hear!), and he also really, really likes trying to have sex with 15-year-old girls he meets on the Internet. Read more on Sex Offender Running For Texas Mayor, While Naked…
 

Latest Sex Scandal For Detroit Mayor Involves Strippers, His House

America’s most fun mayor, Detroit’s Kwame Kilpatrick, continues to become a better and better role model — some say the best since Eminem. Wait, who? Oh yes, Detroit and its mayor, who recently was caught for sending sexy sex text messages with his chief of staff, for sex. And now, the Michigan attorney general’s office says it will launch a probe into claims that Kilpatrick “threw a party with strippers at the mayor’s mansion in 2002.” Lady strippers. [AP/NYT] Read more on Latest Sex Scandal For Detroit Mayor Involves Strippers, His House…
 

SORRY SHE’S NOT HOTTER! The mayor of some little town somewhere in Oregon had a bra-and-panties pic up on her MySpace page. It’s a scandal! But all we can find is this headshot, so let’s just forget the whole thing. [FOX News] Read more on …
 

But What Do Homosexuals Think About SF Mayor’s Affair?

Approximately 1,200 Wonkette readers sent us angry e-mails about our lack of Gavin Newsom coverage. Who’s Gavin Newsom? See, that’s why we ignored this story. Nobody outside of San Francisco knows or cares about Gavin Newsom — that’s because he’s the mayor of San Francisco. His scandal is dull, too: single man has heterosexual affair with colleague’s wife. Yes, he is a crappy friend, but he’s a politician so he doesn’t have real friends, anyway. Read more on But What Do Homosexuals Think About SF Mayor’s Affair?…
 

Louisiana Politics: New Black Mayor Shot To Death

The Louisiana town of Westlake got its first new mayor in 24 years and first-ever black mayor in November, but he was found shot dead Saturday night. The body of Gerald Washington, a 57-year-old Vietnam veteran, was found next to his pickup truck and the murder weapon near a local school. Cops are doing a murder investigation. Read more on Louisiana Politics: New Black Mayor Shot To Death…
 

Metro Section: It’s Easy To Get Laid If You Have A Job

Washington reporters use the “indirect occupational status mack technique” because deep-inside, they hate themselves. [Brunch Bird] “DC’s mentality regarding the relationship between sex and status, perfectly encapsulated in a ten second exchange.” [The DC Universe] Read more on Metro Section: It’s Easy To Get Laid If You Have A Job…