Tag Archives: mayor

  Surprisingly Free Of Nazi Analogies

Fox Starts War On Christmas In August. Take That, Global Warming!

The War on Christmas is already here in August, according to Fox & Friends host Elisabeth Hasselbeck, who seems to have forgotten that Bill O’Reilly won the War on Christmas last year. Maybe this is one of those mopping-up-insurgents things, because Hasselbeck informs us, with much solemnity, that the city of Belen, New Mexico, has been warned that its year-round nativity scene violates the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. But is Mayor Jerah Cordova going to just comply with some dumb letter from the Freedom from Religion Foundation? Of course not! Because, you see, Belen is Spanish for “Bethlehem,” and the nativity scene is therefore not a religious display but a historical monument, commemorating events that didn’t exactly happen in New Mexico, but who said a historical monument has to depict actual events from the area? Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln never set foot in South Dakota, after all. (We haven’t researched it, but we bet Teddy Roosevelt probably did — and killed something while he was there.) Read more on Fox Starts War On Christmas In August. Take That, Global Warming!…
  God Hates Flags

Mean U.S. Constitution Bullies Alabama Town Into Removing Christian Flag From City Hall

Say. No. More.
The rampant march of militant atheism continued this week, just destroying families and making Baby Jebus cry again, as the demon-spawned hordes of the Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) forced Glencoe, Alabama (pop. 5160), to take down its “Christian Flag” from out front of the town’s police station and city hall. Maybe they can make up for it by starting every public meeting with a prayer or something, just to make sure Alabama doesn’t suddenly go all secularist. Read more on Mean U.S. Constitution Bullies Alabama Town Into Removing Christian Flag From City Hall…
  Hell Is Other Small Town Politicians

New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey

She seems so nice
A town council meeting in Mahwah, New Jersey, turned ugly last Thursday as the Council reacted with both pique and indelicacy to … we don’t know, some horseshit that small-town people get het-freakin’-up about. We do know Councilwoman Lisa DiGiulio let out her inner Scalia with all manner of bawdy gestures and a Tony Soprano-style gutter mouth full of terrible cusses, impeach. Read more on New Jersey Town Councilwoman Flips ‘P.O.S.’ Mayor Double Birds, Because New Jersey…
  Fox To Call For French Tort Reform

Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars

Terrifying real news that's verified... to be fake
Now that Fox News has admitted it completely made up a series of stories about supposed “no go zones” in France and England — districts where the police and other officials supposedly leave local Muslims to run things on their own and create little islands of Sharia where no non-Muslim dare enter — the mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, says she’s planning to sue Fox News for lying about Her Fair City: Read more on Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars…
  A Mutiny By Any Other Name

Cop Fight! NYPD Battles Itself As Union Meeting Descends Into Fisticuffs

Antun’s is a classy joint in Queens that normally specializes in sweet 16 parties and bedazzled weddings. Yesterday, however, this fine establishment played host to a meeting of the NYPD’s Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association, and things escalated quickly! Worst of all, some rat fink squealed to the New York Daily News, and now the story’s breakin’ out like the measles. Read more on Cop Fight! NYPD Battles Itself As Union Meeting Descends Into Fisticuffs…
  Hey Voters I'm In Jail

Zany CO Springs Mayoral Candidate In Jail For Menacing With AR-15, Other Hijinks

Audacious, Terrific, and Fucking rad
According to her Facebook page, Justine Herring is the next mayor of Colorado Springs. According to Colorado Springs law enforcement, Justine Herring is in jail for pointing an AR-15 assault rifle at her boyfriend in a public park, and, in a separate incident, impersonating an ATF agent: Read more on Zany CO Springs Mayoral Candidate In Jail For Menacing With AR-15, Other Hijinks…
  keep smoking that chicken

Rob Ford Announces Reelection Campaign; Free Crack Rocks For All!

As a gift to comedy, performance artist/Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced Thursday night that he’s running for another term. “I’m running on my record and my record is second to none,” Ford said at the Toronto Congress Centre. “I’m the most open hard-working mayor this city has ever had. I continue to pledge honesty and transparency.” God Bless You, Mr. Ford. You’re no raasclat bumbaclot, man. Read more on Rob Ford Announces Reelection Campaign; Free Crack Rocks For All!…
  he seems nice

Missouri Mayor Thinks Kansas Shooter Had Some Good Ideas About Those Jews

It’s nice to know that you can count on your friends. For instance, accused murderer Frazier Glenn Miller (or Frazier Glenn Cross, depending on which of his pseudonyms you like) has a good friend in Daniel Clevenger, the newly elected mayor of Marionville, Missouri. In an astonishingly unembarrassed chat with Springfield, Missouri, TV station KSPR, Clevenger allows as how Miller definitely did a very bad thing by killing three people because he thought they were Jewish, but on the other hand, he didn’t see any problem with agreeing that the Jews are a real problem for America. You just have to love small-town America’s honesty and straightforwardness, don’t you? So real, so unlike fake Americans in the big cities, the big cities with all those Jews. Read more on Missouri Mayor Thinks Kansas Shooter Had Some Good Ideas About Those Jews…
  most interesting man we never heard of

Jackson Mayor Chokwe Lumumba Dies, Is Survived By Awesome Black Power Biography

Let’s take a moment to remember somebody who we just heard about for the first time yesterday when we saw the news that he’d died: Jackson, Mississippi, Mayor Chokwe Lumumba, who died suddenly Tuesday of unknown causes. Seriously, Jackson Freaking Mississippi had a mayor who was born in 1947 with the name “Edwin Taliaferro,” but then changed his name in 1969 to be all Black Power-y: He said he took his new first name from an African tribe that resisted slavery centuries ago and his last name from the African independence leader Patrice Lumumba. He moved to Jackson in 1971, then went to law school in Michigan in the ’80s and came back to Jackson and did law stuff in 1988. And somehow, instead of scaring Fox News at election time, he got himself elected to the Jackson City Council, and then last summer, as Mayor. How is it that this man was not nationally famous? Let’s learn more about awesome things he did. Read more on Jackson Mayor Chokwe Lumumba Dies, Is Survived By Awesome Black Power Biography…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits

Hi-diddly-ho, Wonkerinos, and welcome to another installment of Derp Roundup, the feature where we scrape up a bunch of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth a full post of their own. It’s like Thanksgiving leftovers that have sat out too long, except they were kind of rotten to begin with. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Index Of Idjits…
  we suppose a ke$ha joke would not be all that timely

Could This Be America’s Rob Ford? Drunk Small-Town Mayor Wreaks Havoc On A Clock

Step aside, Trey Radel, we’ve found a new candidate for “America’s Rob Ford.” Behold Mayor Gordon Jenkins of the village of Monticello, New York, venting his frustrations on an innocent interview-room wall clock after a DWI arrest on November 16. He is not a happy fella. Read more on Could This Be America’s Rob Ford? Drunk Small-Town Mayor Wreaks Havoc On A Clock…
  put em up put em uuuuup!

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Will Tear Off Your Head And Do A Poop Down Your Neck, For Drug Money Probably

Would you believe that Rob Ford is still the Mayor of Toronto? Of course you would, because the man does not know the meaning of “give up.” Literally. He is so wrecked he may not even know his own name anymore. Here is a snippet of completely context-free video of Ford ranting in an impaired manner about killing somebody. And he’ll be fast about it. He could kill this guy in five, ten minutes — just like Jerry Seinfeld getting a table in a Chinese restaurant. There is no indication of when the video was made, the identity of the off-camera person Ford is talking to, or who it is that Ford wants to kill, but the guy sure is animated. We bet he could have a great career in a dinner theater adaptation of Goodfellas someday. Hopefully very soon. Read more on Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Will Tear Off Your Head And Do A Poop Down Your Neck, For Drug Money Probably…
  dial m for mayor

Old Handsome Joe Biden Calls Every Martin Walsh In Book, Gets New Boston Mayor Eventually

Old Handsome Joe Biden accidentally called the wrong Martin Walsh Tuesday night to congratulate him on being elected Mayor of Boston. Instead of reaching the new mayor, OHJB called a former Ted Kennedy staffer with the same name, starting the conversation with a friendly “You son of a gun, Marty! You did it!” After Walsh cleared up the mistake, the two chatted a bit, and Biden then called the right Martin Walsh and left a congratulatory voicemail. Read more on Old Handsome Joe Biden Calls Every Martin Walsh In Book, Gets New Boston Mayor Eventually…
  cindy lou who can suck it

Tennessee Mayor Steals Toys For Tots’ Christmas Funds, Jing Tinglers, Floo Floopers, & Even Roast Beast

Greenbrier, Tennessee, Mayor Billy Wilson was arrested Monday and charged with theft for stealing funds from the city’s Toys for Tots charity. At press time, the whereabouts of the town’s supply of Tar Tinkers, Who Hoovers, Gar Ginkers and Slu Slumkers could not be ascertained, although it is thought that Wilson may have already sold a valuable Who Carnio Flunx on ebay for several thousand dollars. Read more on Tennessee Mayor Steals Toys For Tots’ Christmas Funds, Jing Tinglers, Floo Floopers, & Even Roast Beast…
  is there a future in your ford?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Will Not Resign Until You Pull His Crack Pipe From His Cold Dead Hands

Here is Toronto Mayor Rob Ford screaming “Get off my driveway” and “Thank you!” at some reporters Thursday morning. Toronto police said Thursday that they have that cell-phone video that allegedly shows the magnificent douchebarge smoking crack, but the mayor said yesterday afternoon that he has “no reason to resign,” possibly because he is as well-connected to The System as he seems disconnected from reality. Read more on Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Will Not Resign Until You Pull His Crack Pipe From His Cold Dead Hands…