JENNA BUSH’S BEAUTIFUL WEDDING HEALS AMERICA: In which your editor proves how Love Is All We Need, especially if we’re crazy-rich president-kings. [Political Machine]

We’ve all grown up with Jenna, and … well, whatever, she got married, and even though we’ve mocked her plenty — because her dad is a douche — we will say today that she looks lovely, and was a very fetching bride, and sorry about how she has to move to Baltimore now. More pictures, from the White House, after the jump. MORE »

Jenna and Henry are really married! But the very private 92-degrees-outside Texas wedding at the livestock pond at least offered George W. Bush another chance to do something embarrassing on the dance floor. Guess what song Jenna and Daddy chose for their special dance? Creepy yacht-rock fuck ballad “You Are So Beautiful,” that’s what. Let’s cringe together, after the jump. MORE »

Here’s tonight’s severe weather alert from Waco’s News Channel 25. Yikes, it’s a big terrible thunderstorm over Crawford. But it should clear up by tomorrow evening. Meanwhile, all the poor people in Crawford have offered their barns and double-wides as vacation rentals for the wedding guests, but the elites aren’t falling for that. MORE »

Finally, George and Laura have almost married off one of the First Twins! It only took eight years, but Jenna found a “taker” and she’s getting hitched tomorrow at her parents’ fake “ranch” in Crawford, which sounds only a little better than “Waco,” and it’s time to celebrate the occasion with a bunch of bullshit trivia, after the jump. MORE »

It’s all happening! Jenna is really getting married to that one guy, Henry! They will live in Baltimore! But to really make “living in Baltimore” seem romantic, they will exchange vows at Jenna’s mom and dad’s retirement home in Waco, Texas. All the incredible details of the May 10 nuptials are suddenly coming to light. MORE »