Tag Archives: Matthew Boyle

  Circular Firing Squad

NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub

Douche fight! Douche fight!
Better take cover, kids, because there’s a big ol’ Battle of the Rightwing True Believers a-brewin’, and there’s no telling where the stray rounds will hit. Seems that Grover Norquist is getting a little Politics of Personal Destruction thrown his way as he seeks reelection to the National Rifle Association’s Board of Directors. The whole ugly slapfight is covered in excruciating detail by Chaotic Evil Breitbart Horcrux Matthew Boyle, who chronicles the internecine dustup with all the enthusiasm of a junior high school girl telling all about the big cafeteria brawl that got That Bitch Melanie and That Other Bitch Breeanna a week of after-school detention. Read more on NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub…
  rage against the machine

Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms

#BetterThanJeb
Jeb Bush’s announcement this morning that he is exploring maybe thinking about the possibility of considering a run for the presidency has set off an awesome fit of rage and whining among the true conservatives of the right, and it is hilarious. Hanukkah doesn’t even start for a few more hours, and already we have received the greatest gift. Read more on Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms…
  Hooray For Bombies

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!
Excellent news, everybody! We’re at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking — we are always at war, but we are also never “really” at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and on the Khorasan Group in Syria. We are not, however, launching airstrikes on Syria. Just in Syria. See the difference? Read more on U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!…
  an actual conspiracy for a change

The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists

You may or may not remember the story about New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez allegedly doing sex with prostitutes, whom he then didn’t even pay, and then later it was claimed that the hookers were underaged, even. Hahaha, of course you remember it — you read Wonket, and are perforce a salacious-minded weirdo, gods bless you! It was a really big deal in late 2012 when Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller broke it, and then a few months later the Associated Press reported that in reality, the ladies of negotiable affection were paid by an attorney to make the whole thing up. And so we felt better about Robert Menendez, because ALWAYS PAY YOUR HOOKER. And now, we get this Big Deal Update from the Washington Post: The whole story appears to have been planted by Cuban intelligence agents. Is it petty of us to think that the real takeaway is less that a U.S. Senator was almost ruined by Cuban spies than that Tucker Carlson and chipmunk-faced boy reporter Matthew Boyle got punked by those same Cuban spies? We can live with that. Read more on The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists…
  silkwood shower time

GOP Senator Has Sick Old Wife With Dementia, Maybe A Mistress, And Matthew Boyle Is ON IT.

We’re still trying to make sense of this utterly bizarre and disgusting story that came out of Mississippi over the weekend. It involves Sen. Thad Cochran (R), who is running for re-election to a seventh term in office this fall. But first he faces a primary from a wingnut by the name of Chris McDaniel, a young whippersnapper from the state Senate running on the usual Tea Party platform that the incumbent isn’t conservative enough because who knows, Cochran probably once said something nice about immigrants or shook President Obama’s hand without spitting on him or something. On Saturday a McDaniel supporter and blogger by the name of Clayton Kelly was arrested on a charge of exploiting a vulnerable adult, in this case Cochran’s wife Rose, who suffers from early-onset dementia and has been in a nursing home since 2000. Kelly allegedly snuck into the nursing home and took a picture of the bedridden Mrs. Cochran, then used the image in a “hit piece” video attacking the Senator. Kelly posted the video on April 26 but took it down after only a couple of hours. Whether he did so because he had an attack of conscience or the McDaniel campaign found out about it and asked him to or because he didn’t feel he had been a disgusting enough piece of hateful subhuman garbage and wanted to do some re-editing, we can’t say. What could have been the subject matter of this hit piece that required such a shameless display of the human capacity for colossal dickishness? It may have been related to this story from used diaper pail Matthew Boyle and our old friends at Dead Breitbart’s Internet Bog for Limp-Dicked Swamp Things. The gist of the article is that Sen. Cochran has an unusually close relationship with his long-time executive assistant, Kay Webber, who has accompanied him on dozens of trips and tax-payer funded junkets, at a cost to the taxpayers of at least $155,000. Cochran and Webber’s close relationship has naturally led to rumors of a romance between the two, which a spokesman for Cochran dismissed as “silly gossip.” Read more on GOP Senator Has Sick Old Wife With Dementia, Maybe A Mistress, And Matthew Boyle Is ON IT….
  blind squirrel finds a nut

Tea Party Has A New Squishy Liberal To Hate, You Will Never Guess Who (It Is Eric Cantor)

Remember Eric Cantor? Republican from Virginia, Majority Leader for his caucus in the House, perpetually looks like a guy entering his ninth day of trying to poop out a dildo that some overly enthusiastic District hooker shoved so far up his rectum that it lodged against his liver? Yeah, that guy. Cantor has been angling for the top job as Speaker of the House since the moment the current Speaker, John Boehner, took the gavel in his trembling, nicotine-stained hands back in 2011. Cantor worked hard to suck up to the psychotic shitweasels of the Tea Party and shiv Boehner in the back every chance he got, positioning himself to take over if the wingnuts were to successfully mount a coup against the Orange One after the upcoming midterm election. Then he decided to be reasonable once or twice about passing legislation, and now has been declared RINO non grata with the Psychotic Shitweasel caucus. Let us all cry some oily crocodile tears for Eric’s broken dreams. Read more on Tea Party Has A New Squishy Liberal To Hate, You Will Never Guess Who (It Is Eric Cantor)…
  get me rewrite!

Brave Hero Breitbart Reporter CRUSHES Dumb Buzzfeed Guy Who Lied All Over Donald Trump

These are dark days indeed for McKay Coppins, some dumb guy from Buzzfeed who wrote a totally uncalled-for scurrilous PACK OF LIES about Donald Trump, who as everyone knows is the YOOGEST, CLASSIEST GUY, and then McKay Coppins forced Donald Trump to fire his own top aide! What a dick! It is dark days for McKay Coppins because he just got PWNED by hero reporter Matthew Boyle, of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Hideaway for Craven Sniveling Soul-Free Shitweasels Super Good Reporters Who Will TRUTH ALL OVER YOUR FACE. Let us read and marvel at M. Boyle’s masterclass in journalisming all over Coppins and his so-called “reporting,” including allegations of eyerape, not to mention scumbaggery, together! Read more on Brave Hero Breitbart Reporter CRUSHES Dumb Buzzfeed Guy Who Lied All Over Donald Trump…
  who needs a blacklist when we have rightwing blogs?

Guy Who Dissed The Troops Five Years Ago Writes About Something Else, Wingnuts Outraged

OMG you guise!!! There is a man out there in America who does not love The Troops! And he is still allowed to write things for a living! Even though The Troops have bled and died for his right to have written a blog post titled “Fuck the Troops” in 2008! And Politico just published an article by the guy, on a completely different topic — Murphy is also the guy who prank-called Scott Walker in 2011, pretending to be David Koch, which is what the article is about. Murphy’s Politico piece doesn’t even contain the word “fuck” at all, which is something of an achievement for anyone writing about that fucking fuckhead Scott Walker. And so the professional journalists at Dead Breitbart’s Shelter For The Terminally Enraged did a massively butthurt exposé of the terrible things that Ian Murphy wrote in 2008. Sure, they mention the piece Politico ran Monday, once, but mostly the Breitbart piece is a copypaste of the most button-pushing parts of Murphy’s “virulent anti-American soldier screed,” aimed at trashing Politico of course — Murphy has now been transmogrified into “Politico reporter Ian Murphy” or “Politico columnist Ian Murphy,” and by god, Politico or any other publication that runs anything else by Murphy is going to hear about this forever, because raining perpetual wrath upon the Unholy is pretty much these guys’ mission statement. Read more on Guy Who Dissed The Troops Five Years Ago Writes About Something Else, Wingnuts Outraged…
  marco can't dance

Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates

Faced with a massive wave of Tea Partiers fleeing from his 2016 presidential hopes because of his support for comprehensive immigration reform, Florida Senator Marco Rubio is doing what he can to build a higher wall against further progress on fixing America’s broken immigration system. It is not known whether his new opposition to immigration reform will be enough to stem the flow of former rightwing supporters attempting to cross lines into other candidates’ camps. An aide to Rubio told Andrew Breitbart’s Home for Monsters From the Id that while it might be “realistic” for the House to pass several piecemeal bills addressing immigration, the catch is that once such a bill went to committee with the Senate, sneaky Democrats could then use the conference to force a comprehensive reform that might actually allow some Messicans to become citizens. So the smart thing, obviously, is to do nothing, which allows continued bitching about Barack Obama’s refusal to fix immigration. Problem solved! Read more on Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates…
  victory tour

Iowa Rep. Steve King Wins The Morning With Anti-Immigration Rally For Crowd Of Tens

Iowa congressman Steve King was the star speaker at a “Stop Amnesty” rally in Richmond, Virginia, Monday, and supporters stayed away in droves — the crowd was estimated at between 30 and 60 people, almost none of whom appeared to be valedictorians or drug mules with calves the size of cantaloupes. Despite the disappointing turnout, King offered more of his trademark crazy, warning that Latins will sap and impurify America’s precious bodily fluids: If you bring people from a violent civilization into a less-violent civilization, you’re going to have more violence right? It’s like pouring hot water into cold water, does it raise the temperature or not? It’s a compelling case for not letting Americans move to British Columbia, we suppose. Read more on Iowa Rep. Steve King Wins The Morning With Anti-Immigration Rally For Crowd Of Tens…
  it's a cruel cruel summer

Mitt Romney Says Thing, Upsets Wingnuts; No, This Is Not A Rerun From Last August

Remember last August when Lord Mittens Willington Hair Helmet Nom Nom Romney XIV was running for vicar or Lobster King or some such shit, and we would report on every syllable out of his mouth because that is how we roll during the interminable election season? Well it is one year later and not much has changed except His Lordship lost the election and someone else is now king of all the cannibal shellfish, but for some reason people still are asking for Our Man in Boston La Jolla New Hampshire’s opinion on things in the U.S. America, such as: Read more on Mitt Romney Says Thing, Upsets Wingnuts; No, This Is Not A Rerun From Last August…
  dammit janet

Barack Obama Ignoring Immigration Laws, Probably Jaywalking While Doing Rape and Murder

In his quest to misunderstand/misrepresent/ignore the context of everything ever, web-toed glandular mutant Matthew Boyle of Dead Andy Breitbart’s Embalming Fluid Emporium has taken the Obama Administration to task for being elected by a majority of voters twice exercising prosecutorial discretion with regard to immigration law. Oh Bamz, surely you are aware that utilizing such discretion is simply not done (as long as you are a Democratic/black president)? Read more on Barack Obama Ignoring Immigration Laws, Probably Jaywalking While Doing Rape and Murder…
  fear of a black vacation

Matthew Boyle’s Latest Crusade For Breitbart’s Corpse: Let’s Put Those Awful Obama Daughters In Their Place

Striking a blow for Freedom from Decency and the “gentlemen’s agreements” that have for too long kept presidents’ children from being the political punching bags that 11 and 14 year olds totally need to be, Breitbart.com’s Chaotic Evil Shitbag Matthew Boyle triumphantly revealed the specific location where Sasha and Malia Obama are vacationing (link is to MediaMatters, not to Boyle, because we agree with Charlie Pierce: “No link, because fk that pudgy little monster”). In spite of possible security concerns and a “longstanding and informal agreement between successive administrations and the White House Correspondents’ Association,” Boyle found evidence that was so compelling that he absolutely had to reveal the information: Any combination of the name “Obama” and “vacation” generates crazy numbers of pageviews. Seriously. Just about any crap that claims to “reveal” the allegedly extravagant lifestyle of the Obamas will get idiots to flock to it. Read more on Matthew Boyle’s Latest Crusade For Breitbart’s Corpse: Let’s Put Those Awful Obama Daughters In Their Place…
  i know why the caged bird sings

Disgraced Jailbird Jack Abramoff Takes Rightful Place As Matthew Boyle’s Voice Of Moral Authority

Whey-faced tube of cookie dough Matthew Boyle, ace staff reporter at Corpse Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Resting Place, has quite the scoopy scoop today. As faithful readers know, Boil Boyle has been hot on the trail of New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez (D-Of Course) and some shenanigans what he done maybe got up to involving a shady Florida ophthalmologist, some sort of port security deal with the Dominican Republic, and a trio of less-than-believable hookers. If the previous sentence appears on the inside jacket of Christopher Buckley’s next novel, yr Wonkette will sue for royalties. The story does not seem to have gained much traction in the media yet, possibly because a grand jury was only recently empaneled to try and get to the bottom of things, or maybe because people have more immediate day-to-day concerns than what the junior senator from a state that is a national punch line for corruption might – might – have gotten up to corruption-wise, or because it’s politics and “corrupt asshole uses money to buy influence with other corrupt assholes” has been our system’s lodestar ever since some French marquis was securing the finest whores in Paris for Thomas Jefferson in exchange for ol’ TJ relaxing tariffs on imported rum. But Boyle has to keep the story moving. Maybe he could do reporter things like fly down to Miami and sniff around that grand jury, cultivate some sources in the local FBI and U.S. Attorney’s offices, learn a little bit about shady ophthalmologist Salomon Melgen besides the fact that Harry Reid flew on his private plane to a convention last summer and the good doctor had his picture taken with the president at a fundraiser once. But since Corpse Breitbart’s operating budget is probably all tied up in legal fees, Boyle eschewed the old-fashioned shoe-leather approach, put on his sexxxy reporting fedora, and drunk-dialed the great Jack Abramoff for some speculation and innuendo. Read more on Disgraced Jailbird Jack Abramoff Takes Rightful Place As Matthew Boyle’s Voice Of Moral Authority…
  a black eye and feather in his cap

Daily Caller’s Menendez Hooker: I Can’t Believe We Made Up The Whole Thing (Updated!)

Next-gen rightwing journamalism Great White Hope Matthew Boyle was pretty proud when the FBI did some boring raid on some shady eye doctor allegedly organizing underage sex-hookers for New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez. Boyle had been beating his horse for months over it, while no one respectable would touch it. (Your Wonkette, along with the rest of the civilized universe, does not consider itself “respectable.”) But now it is time for Boyle to figure out what his clever alibi will be as to why the woman who identified herself to Boyle’s readers as New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez’s prostitute now says she was paid money by some shady lawyer guy to read from a script when she said she did sex on New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez for money. Did Boyle get Burketted? Boyle probably did not get Burketted. (This is where Karl Rove false-flags you with memos that are identical to the memos the Army secretary remembers typing up, but MOAR PIXELZ!) At least, it seems improbable that Boyle got Burketted, since he was there for the videotaped “interview” with the lady, which he conducted himself, and in which the lady says she was reading from a script, and ALSO which does not seem to be in the story trumpeting the interview along with “VIDEO” any longer. Imagine that! Read more on Daily Caller’s Menendez Hooker: I Can’t Believe We Made Up The Whole Thing (Updated!)…
  wankers

Matthew Boyle To Spend Valentine’s Day Alone, Cockblocking Bob Menendez

Hi single people! Sorry about the uber-commercialized “fuck you I’m getting laid tonight” holiday that coupled people foist on you every February. You really don’t deserve it. But take solace in at least one thing: you are not Matthew Boyle of Breitbart/Daily Tucker fame. Most normal Americans will spend the day avoiding their Facebook Feed and charging the batteries on their Hello Kitty masturbating wand for a night of tequila-fueled streaming 9 Songs on Netflix. Matthew on the other hand will be putting on his fancy “investigative journalist” fedora and spending the entirety of the night alternating between sobbing pitifully into his chalice of Mountain Dew Red Alert and furiously masturbating to the latest hot leads that he has on Senator Bob Menendez’s sex life. Read more on Matthew Boyle To Spend Valentine’s Day Alone, Cockblocking Bob Menendez…
  boyz 2 men

Happy Eighteenth Birthday, Trayvon Martin, Racism Is Over

Oh, Trayvon Martin, we are so sorry you are dead. You were just a few months younger than our own terrible son, who is terrible. We understand from others that this is not “rare.” And that he may grow out of it by the time he’s 25, or 30. You will not be 25 or 30. You did not get to 18. We are especially sorry because we can remember back to the first moments after you were killed, and how everyone was sorry, because Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller had not yet decided you would be the perfect canvas for their new White Knights recruiting efforts. Sean Hannity had not yet made your absolutely normal 17-year-old-boy-self into a New Black Panther Party of One. And this jagoff from yesterday had not yet laughed about you being a gay hustler sucking dick for drug money, or a rabid dog who needed to be put down, or smirked that since he had not died before he hit 18, his karma was undoubtedly shinier than yours. (We have to assume that all those dead children in Newtown had schmutzige karma as well, and were just not good, shiny, happy people like Todd Kincannon.) Read more on Happy Eighteenth Birthday, Trayvon Martin, Racism Is Over…
  ghost breitbart wept

Wingnuts Furious About Three-Month-Old Veep Debate And Zzzzzzz

Bloated cub reporter Matthew Boyle is so mad you guys. Did you know that Martha Raddatz, who moderated the vice presidential debate, has close personal ties with a certain Kenyan Impostor? And that he came to her wedding to some guy she has since divorced? Because it was 400 years ago? And that neither she nor the presidential debate commission “disclosed” this to the public? Except for the 135,000 stories on Google about it, and the spokesman who addressed it? Wait, we are not in October 2012? We are in January 2013? THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE WE STILL WRITING ABOUT THIS??? BOYLE!!!! Read more on Wingnuts Furious About Three-Month-Old Veep Debate And Zzzzzzz…
  never give up never surrender

Very Smart Republicans: A Deal Between White House And House Might Need Democratic Votes To Pass

Do you know who is very smart? Tea Party congresspeople. Here are some of them moving their lips, with syllables and words coming out to form sentences, about the “fiscal cliff” or whatever, who cares, boring: “If he [Boehner] caves [on fiscal cliff negotiations], he’s going to have to get it passed with a lot of Democrat votes,” [Louisiana Rep. John] Fleming told Breitbart News after the press conference. “So, just like with the continuing resolutions, there’s anywhere from 40 to 80 to even 100 members on the conservative side who just simply vote against it, so it [a deal] gets passed only with Democrat help.” Do you know when those words, in that order, would be anything remotely like “news”? If both houses of Congress and the Executive branch were all controlled by Republicans. Like, does our buddy John Fleming think a Democratic president would not get Democratic votes on his deal? Presumably so, since obviously the only “compromise” is “cave to the GOP House entirely,” the same “compromise”John Boehner denies floating: permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts on the top two income brackets, and the White House coming up with a list of spending cuts the GOP finds satisfactory. Read more on Very Smart Republicans: A Deal Between White House And House Might Need Democratic Votes To Pass…
  jive turkeys

Intrepid Reporter Matthew Boyle To Write About Thuggy Black People For Ghost Andrew Breitbart

The first time we came across the work of cub reporter Matthew Boyle, he was calling for Minority Report precogs to watch over the DC Metro (Tube?) and possibly secretly installing Nannycams in Foggy Bottom Starbucks restrooms. But our rising star went on to make quite a name for himself, reporting the shit out of stories like “Michelle Obama Was Black At Harvard,” “Barack Obama Is A New Black Panther,” “WHAT, The DNC Is Registering Black People To Vote???” and the unexpected twist in his oeuvre (because it was not about black people) “Hey Look, This Jew Is A Communist.” And now our little Matthew is all growed up and leaving Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller (did he get fired, or hired away? There is simply no way to ever know) for the big leagues of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Boo-Riffic Night-Time Halloween Haunt. Read more on Intrepid Reporter Matthew Boyle To Write About Thuggy Black People For Ghost Andrew Breitbart…
  commies under the bed

Daily Caller Finds Communist Under BLS Nominee’s Summer Camp Bunk

Well so much for your nomination to head the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Erica Groshen, because the Daily Caller has discovered you are a Communist. Maybe you should have considered all your future employment prospects before you sent your children to Jewish Summer Camp! Yeah, no, we’re not kidding. Matthew Boyle, world’s greatest reporter, details how Camp Kinderland was started by Jewish Reds (like there was any other kind of Jew in the ’30s, but besides the point!) and Groshen sent her children there, so everybody please bring some wood to place at Groshen’s feet, for the burning! Read more on Daily Caller Finds Communist Under BLS Nominee’s Summer Camp Bunk…
  he rests his case!

Super Not Racist Zimmerman Family: AG Eric Holder Protecting New Black Panthers Because He Is Black

Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller has a SCOOP you guys! Someone in the Zimmerman family wrote a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder, explaining they are not racist and saying the only reason Eric Holder hasn’t arrested the New Black Panther Party is because Eric Holder is black, and all blacks are always sticking together and doing other black things (probably mostly murdering white people, conspiring against white people, hate-criming white people and stealing stuff). Plus, did you know Marion Barry said some shitty stuff about Asian people? It’s true, he totally did that! Marion Barry sucks, so probably all other black people do too, it’s just science. Read more on Super Not Racist Zimmerman Family: AG Eric Holder Protecting New Black Panthers Because He Is Black…