Tag Archives: Matthew Boyle

  Dial 'M' For Moran

Donald Trump Doesn’t Want To Press ‘1’ To Hear Jeb Bush Lose In English

Why anyone Photoshopped a giant bagel on Jeb's head is beyond us
Why anyone Photoshopped a giant bagel on Jeb’s head is beyond us Louche stool Donald Trump gave an exclusive interview to Dead Breitbart’s Home for Terrified White People on Wednesday, and revealed that not only is he certain he’ll be elected president in 2016, but he’s pretty sure he’ll win re-election in 2020 and will be the second coming of Ronald Reagan. And how will he manage that feat? By saying shit like this: Read more on Donald Trump Doesn’t Want To Press ‘1’ To Hear Jeb Bush Lose In English…
  A New Jersey Politician In A Corruption Scandal? Mercy!

NJ Sen. Robert Menendez Indicted; Sorry, Daily Caller, No Fake Underaged Hookers This Time

You're looking especially Muppetlike today, Senator
Sen. Robert Menendez (D-New Jersey) has been indicted on corruption charges by the Justice Department in a bribery scandal that Yr Wonkette would never even cover if the guy had been a Democrat. He’s accused of receiving campaign contributions and a lot of fancy la-dee-da travel on private jets and vacations in the Dominican Republic in exchange for doing political favors for Salomon Melgen, a Florida eye doctor whom Menendez insists is just a really good friend who he enjoyed hanging out with and occasionally tossing the occasional port security contract, as friends do. Read more on NJ Sen. Robert Menendez Indicted; Sorry, Daily Caller, No Fake Underaged Hookers This Time…
  Circular Firing Squad

NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub

Douche fight! Douche fight!
Better take cover, kids, because there’s a big ol’ Battle of the Rightwing True Believers a-brewin’, and there’s no telling where the stray rounds will hit. Seems that Grover Norquist is getting a little Politics of Personal Destruction thrown his way as he seeks reelection to the National Rifle Association’s Board of Directors. The whole ugly slapfight is covered in excruciating detail by Chaotic Evil Breitbart Horcrux Matthew Boyle, who chronicles the internecine dustup with all the enthusiasm of a junior high school girl telling all about the big cafeteria brawl that got That Bitch Melanie and That Other Bitch Breeanna a week of after-school detention. Read more on NRA Will Drown Grover Norquist’s Islamic Terrorism In A Bathtub…
  rage against the machine

Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms

#BetterThanJeb
Jeb Bush’s announcement this morning that he is exploring maybe thinking about the possibility of considering a run for the presidency has set off an awesome fit of rage and whining among the true conservatives of the right, and it is hilarious. Hanukkah doesn’t even start for a few more hours, and already we have received the greatest gift. Read more on Conservatives React To Jeb Bush With Usual Thoughtfulness And Rage-Induced Aneurysms…
  Hooray For Bombies

U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!

Just to be clear: This is sarcasm. Really!
Excellent news, everybody! We’re at war again! Ha-ha, we are joking — we are always at war, but we are also never “really” at war! We are at Kinetic Counter-Terrorism Operation again, with shiny new airstrikes on ISIS and on the Khorasan Group in Syria. We are not, however, launching airstrikes on Syria. Just in Syria. See the difference? Read more on U.S. (And Coalition, Sure) Bombs ISIS In Syria, Yay!…
  an actual conspiracy for a change

The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists

You may or may not remember the story about New Jersey Sen. Robert Menendez allegedly doing sex with prostitutes, whom he then didn’t even pay, and then later it was claimed that the hookers were underaged, even. Hahaha, of course you remember it — you read Wonket, and are perforce a salacious-minded weirdo, gods bless you! It was a really big deal in late 2012 when Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller broke it, and then a few months later the Associated Press reported that in reality, the ladies of negotiable affection were paid by an attorney to make the whole thing up. And so we felt better about Robert Menendez, because ALWAYS PAY YOUR HOOKER. And now, we get this Big Deal Update from the Washington Post: The whole story appears to have been planted by Cuban intelligence agents. Is it petty of us to think that the real takeaway is less that a U.S. Senator was almost ruined by Cuban spies than that Tucker Carlson and chipmunk-faced boy reporter Matthew Boyle got punked by those same Cuban spies? We can live with that. Read more on The Daily Caller Is Being Run By Cuban Communists…
  silkwood shower time

GOP Senator Has Sick Old Wife With Dementia, Maybe A Mistress, And Matthew Boyle Is ON IT.

We’re still trying to make sense of this utterly bizarre and disgusting story that came out of Mississippi over the weekend. It involves Sen. Thad Cochran (R), who is running for re-election to a seventh term in office this fall. But first he faces a primary from a wingnut by the name of Chris McDaniel, a young whippersnapper from the state Senate running on the usual Tea Party platform that the incumbent isn’t conservative enough because who knows, Cochran probably once said something nice about immigrants or shook President Obama’s hand without spitting on him or something. On Saturday a McDaniel supporter and blogger by the name of Clayton Kelly was arrested on a charge of exploiting a vulnerable adult, in this case Cochran’s wife Rose, who suffers from early-onset dementia and has been in a nursing home since 2000. Kelly allegedly snuck into the nursing home and took a picture of the bedridden Mrs. Cochran, then used the image in a “hit piece” video attacking the Senator. Kelly posted the video on April 26 but took it down after only a couple of hours. Whether he did so because he had an attack of conscience or the McDaniel campaign found out about it and asked him to or because he didn’t feel he had been a disgusting enough piece of hateful subhuman garbage and wanted to do some re-editing, we can’t say. What could have been the subject matter of this hit piece that required such a shameless display of the human capacity for colossal dickishness? It may have been related to this story from used diaper pail Matthew Boyle and our old friends at Dead Breitbart’s Internet Bog for Limp-Dicked Swamp Things. The gist of the article is that Sen. Cochran has an unusually close relationship with his long-time executive assistant, Kay Webber, who has accompanied him on dozens of trips and tax-payer funded junkets, at a cost to the taxpayers of at least $155,000. Cochran and Webber’s close relationship has naturally led to rumors of a romance between the two, which a spokesman for Cochran dismissed as “silly gossip.” Read more on GOP Senator Has Sick Old Wife With Dementia, Maybe A Mistress, And Matthew Boyle Is ON IT….
  blind squirrel finds a nut

Tea Party Has A New Squishy Liberal To Hate, You Will Never Guess Who (It Is Eric Cantor)

Remember Eric Cantor? Republican from Virginia, Majority Leader for his caucus in the House, perpetually looks like a guy entering his ninth day of trying to poop out a dildo that some overly enthusiastic District hooker shoved so far up his rectum that it lodged against his liver? Yeah, that guy. Cantor has been angling for the top job as Speaker of the House since the moment the current Speaker, John Boehner, took the gavel in his trembling, nicotine-stained hands back in 2011. Cantor worked hard to suck up to the psychotic shitweasels of the Tea Party and shiv Boehner in the back every chance he got, positioning himself to take over if the wingnuts were to successfully mount a coup against the Orange One after the upcoming midterm election. Then he decided to be reasonable once or twice about passing legislation, and now has been declared RINO non grata with the Psychotic Shitweasel caucus. Let us all cry some oily crocodile tears for Eric’s broken dreams. Read more on Tea Party Has A New Squishy Liberal To Hate, You Will Never Guess Who (It Is Eric Cantor)…
  get me rewrite!

Brave Hero Breitbart Reporter CRUSHES Dumb Buzzfeed Guy Who Lied All Over Donald Trump

These are dark days indeed for McKay Coppins, some dumb guy from Buzzfeed who wrote a totally uncalled-for scurrilous PACK OF LIES about Donald Trump, who as everyone knows is the YOOGEST, CLASSIEST GUY, and then McKay Coppins forced Donald Trump to fire his own top aide! What a dick! It is dark days for McKay Coppins because he just got PWNED by hero reporter Matthew Boyle, of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Hideaway for Craven Sniveling Soul-Free Shitweasels Super Good Reporters Who Will TRUTH ALL OVER YOUR FACE. Let us read and marvel at M. Boyle’s masterclass in journalisming all over Coppins and his so-called “reporting,” including allegations of eyerape, not to mention scumbaggery, together! Read more on Brave Hero Breitbart Reporter CRUSHES Dumb Buzzfeed Guy Who Lied All Over Donald Trump…
  who needs a blacklist when we have rightwing blogs?

Guy Who Dissed The Troops Five Years Ago Writes About Something Else, Wingnuts Outraged

OMG you guise!!! There is a man out there in America who does not love The Troops! And he is still allowed to write things for a living! Even though The Troops have bled and died for his right to have written a blog post titled “Fuck the Troops” in 2008! And Politico just published an article by the guy, on a completely different topic — Murphy is also the guy who prank-called Scott Walker in 2011, pretending to be David Koch, which is what the article is about. Murphy’s Politico piece doesn’t even contain the word “fuck” at all, which is something of an achievement for anyone writing about that fucking fuckhead Scott Walker. And so the professional journalists at Dead Breitbart’s Shelter For The Terminally Enraged did a massively butthurt exposé of the terrible things that Ian Murphy wrote in 2008. Sure, they mention the piece Politico ran Monday, once, but mostly the Breitbart piece is a copypaste of the most button-pushing parts of Murphy’s “virulent anti-American soldier screed,” aimed at trashing Politico of course — Murphy has now been transmogrified into “Politico reporter Ian Murphy” or “Politico columnist Ian Murphy,” and by god, Politico or any other publication that runs anything else by Murphy is going to hear about this forever, because raining perpetual wrath upon the Unholy is pretty much these guys’ mission statement. Read more on Guy Who Dissed The Troops Five Years Ago Writes About Something Else, Wingnuts Outraged…
  marco can't dance

Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates

Faced with a massive wave of Tea Partiers fleeing from his 2016 presidential hopes because of his support for comprehensive immigration reform, Florida Senator Marco Rubio is doing what he can to build a higher wall against further progress on fixing America’s broken immigration system. It is not known whether his new opposition to immigration reform will be enough to stem the flow of former rightwing supporters attempting to cross lines into other candidates’ camps. An aide to Rubio told Andrew Breitbart’s Home for Monsters From the Id that while it might be “realistic” for the House to pass several piecemeal bills addressing immigration, the catch is that once such a bill went to committee with the Senate, sneaky Democrats could then use the conference to force a comprehensive reform that might actually allow some Messicans to become citizens. So the smart thing, obviously, is to do nothing, which allows continued bitching about Barack Obama’s refusal to fix immigration. Problem solved! Read more on Marco Rubio Fights To End Tea Party Migration To Other 2016 Candidates…
  victory tour

Iowa Rep. Steve King Wins The Morning With Anti-Immigration Rally For Crowd Of Tens

Iowa congressman Steve King was the star speaker at a “Stop Amnesty” rally in Richmond, Virginia, Monday, and supporters stayed away in droves — the crowd was estimated at between 30 and 60 people, almost none of whom appeared to be valedictorians or drug mules with calves the size of cantaloupes. Despite the disappointing turnout, King offered more of his trademark crazy, warning that Latins will sap and impurify America’s precious bodily fluids: If you bring people from a violent civilization into a less-violent civilization, you’re going to have more violence right? It’s like pouring hot water into cold water, does it raise the temperature or not? It’s a compelling case for not letting Americans move to British Columbia, we suppose. Read more on Iowa Rep. Steve King Wins The Morning With Anti-Immigration Rally For Crowd Of Tens…
  it's a cruel cruel summer

Mitt Romney Says Thing, Upsets Wingnuts; No, This Is Not A Rerun From Last August

Remember last August when Lord Mittens Willington Hair Helmet Nom Nom Romney XIV was running for vicar or Lobster King or some such shit, and we would report on every syllable out of his mouth because that is how we roll during the interminable election season? Well it is one year later and not much has changed except His Lordship lost the election and someone else is now king of all the cannibal shellfish, but for some reason people still are asking for Our Man in Boston La Jolla New Hampshire’s opinion on things in the U.S. America, such as: Read more on Mitt Romney Says Thing, Upsets Wingnuts; No, This Is Not A Rerun From Last August…
  dammit janet

Barack Obama Ignoring Immigration Laws, Probably Jaywalking While Doing Rape and Murder

In his quest to misunderstand/misrepresent/ignore the context of everything ever, web-toed glandular mutant Matthew Boyle of Dead Andy Breitbart’s Embalming Fluid Emporium has taken the Obama Administration to task for being elected by a majority of voters twice exercising prosecutorial discretion with regard to immigration law. Oh Bamz, surely you are aware that utilizing such discretion is simply not done (as long as you are a Democratic/black president)? Read more on Barack Obama Ignoring Immigration Laws, Probably Jaywalking While Doing Rape and Murder…
  fear of a black vacation

Matthew Boyle’s Latest Crusade For Breitbart’s Corpse: Let’s Put Those Awful Obama Daughters In Their Place

Striking a blow for Freedom from Decency and the “gentlemen’s agreements” that have for too long kept presidents’ children from being the political punching bags that 11 and 14 year olds totally need to be, Breitbart.com’s Chaotic Evil Shitbag Matthew Boyle triumphantly revealed the specific location where Sasha and Malia Obama are vacationing (link is to MediaMatters, not to Boyle, because we agree with Charlie Pierce: “No link, because fk that pudgy little monster”). In spite of possible security concerns and a “longstanding and informal agreement between successive administrations and the White House Correspondents’ Association,” Boyle found evidence that was so compelling that he absolutely had to reveal the information: Any combination of the name “Obama” and “vacation” generates crazy numbers of pageviews. Seriously. Just about any crap that claims to “reveal” the allegedly extravagant lifestyle of the Obamas will get idiots to flock to it. Read more on Matthew Boyle’s Latest Crusade For Breitbart’s Corpse: Let’s Put Those Awful Obama Daughters In Their Place…
  i know why the caged bird sings

Disgraced Jailbird Jack Abramoff Takes Rightful Place As Matthew Boyle’s Voice Of Moral Authority

Whey-faced tube of cookie dough Matthew Boyle, ace staff reporter at Corpse Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Resting Place, has quite the scoopy scoop today. As faithful readers know, Boil Boyle has been hot on the trail of New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez (D-Of Course) and some shenanigans what he done maybe got up to involving a shady Florida ophthalmologist, some sort of port security deal with the Dominican Republic, and a trio of less-than-believable hookers. If the previous sentence appears on the inside jacket of Christopher Buckley’s next novel, yr Wonkette will sue for royalties. The story does not seem to have gained much traction in the media yet, possibly because a grand jury was only recently empaneled to try and get to the bottom of things, or maybe because people have more immediate day-to-day concerns than what the junior senator from a state that is a national punch line for corruption might – might – have gotten up to corruption-wise, or because it’s politics and “corrupt asshole uses money to buy influence with other corrupt assholes” has been our system’s lodestar ever since some French marquis was securing the finest whores in Paris for Thomas Jefferson in exchange for ol’ TJ relaxing tariffs on imported rum. But Boyle has to keep the story moving. Maybe he could do reporter things like fly down to Miami and sniff around that grand jury, cultivate some sources in the local FBI and U.S. Attorney’s offices, learn a little bit about shady ophthalmologist Salomon Melgen besides the fact that Harry Reid flew on his private plane to a convention last summer and the good doctor had his picture taken with the president at a fundraiser once. But since Corpse Breitbart’s operating budget is probably all tied up in legal fees, Boyle eschewed the old-fashioned shoe-leather approach, put on his sexxxy reporting fedora, and drunk-dialed the great Jack Abramoff for some speculation and innuendo. Read more on Disgraced Jailbird Jack Abramoff Takes Rightful Place As Matthew Boyle’s Voice Of Moral Authority…