Matt Cooper gave a couple thousand of the million words he writes a day to this month’s Portfolio, the embarrassing Conde Nast “business” magazine, turning in a neat little profile of Mitt Romney. Here’s what we learned about America’s favorite shiny-haired Mormon: MORE »

* Funniest man in Washington steals jokes from least funny man in Washington. [Portfolio]
* What the fuck is Carville doing on the “power couples” list again? He doesn’t have a real job. [Washington Monthly (PDF)]
* Dennis Hastert dropped seventy grand on lawyers to keep him out of the Foleygate hot seat. [Political Insider]
* Replacement players now guarding nation’s nukes. [Passport]
* Least likely to vote hate Hillary the most. [Gallup]
* Straight Talk Express gets bent. [Think Progress]
* Abortion ban decision actually good news for those looking to kill something inside them. [The Coffeehouse]

This is a very special party crash, because we actually did crash it: despite being on the panel that selected one of the winners, we weren’t actually on the list for The Week’s annual award dog-and-pony show. It all worked out in the end, of course, as we’re consummate complainers.

The event, held last night at the Four Seasons, honors people whose opinions a group of rich old people can generally agree are pretty good, or at least entertaining. Oh, and a blogger.

We attended, of course, with the lovely Liz Gorman, whose lovely photos are here. Our write-up can be found, as always, after the jump.

The Week Opinion Awards Gallery

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* Some of America’s richest assholes heard President Bush mention “income inequality” for the first time, ever. [WP]
* Most farmers missed the speech, however; as they were too busy yelling at the crew of immigrants who act like they’ve never polished a gold toilet seat before. [WP, NYT]
* High-living funnyman Matt Cooper confirmed what he knew about Valerie Plame from Scooter on the way back from the Country Club. [WP, LAT]
* Joe Biden trips over his sword, impales himself on a blade of blather. [WP, NYT]
* Alberto Gonzalez will, grudgingly, share his secret court order toys. [WP, NYT]
* At least there’ll be a change of scenery - next war for energy security likely in Brazil, “the Saudi Arabia of ethanol.” [WSJ]
* Mary Cheney’s baby is not a propaganda tool — she told an audience of media people gathered for a magazine event in Manhattan. [NYT]

Spotted this week were some damn fine Americans, with a whole lot of shiny metal at home on their mantels. Mia Hamm has her World Cup trophies, Anderson Cooper has his Emmy, Michael Hayden has all that weird military stuff on his shirt, and Jimmy Carter has that thing they call a Nobel. Not everyone can be number one, though, so just enjoy what you can — like Donald Rumsfeld and his juicy steaks, or Antonin Scalia and his fancy car. Feed your need for life envy; there are lots more people richer than you. Check out the sightings, after the jump.

Oh, and intern season is here! It sure is great that just as soon as the laminate dries on their cute little “109th Congress Intern” badges, they’re off and sending us tips. Act like an intern and send in your own via email, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line, and the name of the fancy pants you spotted. We won’t pay you anything, just like real interns!

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This week’s pre-Memorial Day edition of Wonk’d has everyone’s favorite White House golden boy, Karl Rove, and original press nightmare, Ari Fleischer, in good seats watching the Nationals. Some of the senior citizens in our government, like Antonin Scalia and Donald Rumsfeld, must think baseball is for kids — they only go to fancy parties. Maybe when Scooter Libby and Matt Cooper learn to dress properly, they’ll get invited out too. If he needs to get somewhere, Matt will probably be on Metro, along with his buddy Andy Card, as opposed to being chauffeured everywhere like carbon-hoarding Barack Obama. It’s three whole days before any more Wonk’d, so get everything you can now, after the jump!

So many games, festivals, and parties in Washington these days, and the in-crowd can’t stay away. If you see one of them, let us know by email, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line, along with the powerbroker’s (or shill’s, or actor’s, of foreign head-of-state’s) name. You send ‘em, we print ‘em - everybody wins!

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Last night, Team Wonkette rubbed elbows with the D.C. media elite, at the third annual presentation of the Michael Kelly Award:

The $25,000 award is given annually to a journalist whose work exemplifies a quality that animated Michael Kelly’s own career: the fearless pursuit and expression of truth. Kelly, who was the editor of two Atlantic Media publications, The Atlantic Monthly and National Journal, was killed while covering the war in Iraq in 2003.

It was a delightful evening, definitely one of the better parties that we’ve crashed attended lately. As media junkies, our heads were left spinning from all the star-spotting: Peggy Noonan! Adam Nagourney! Howard Fineman! Gwen Ifill! Matt Cooper! (But where was FROOMKIN???)

After the jump, additional commentary on the evening — plus fabulous photos, by Liz Gorman. Enjoy!

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Karl Rove, BOY GENIUS, has a plan to retain control of Congress: Drag everyone down with his boss. At least, that’s what it reads like. Jim Rutenberg’s Note-baiting must-read runs with a “Rove is done focusing on policy minutia and is running around the country personally winning every single congressional race” narrative, but the most instructive paragraph comes rather late in the game, when we learn this: MORE »

Jackie Kucinich sports a stylish Washington Monument headband. Her cute friend doesn’t want you to know that she’s an intern.

Wednesday night, if you can think back that far, was an absolutely gorgeous evening. We spent part of it enjoying the hospitality of Court TV and Capitol File, soaking in the panoramic views from the Kennedy Center’s roof deck — as well as some sweet-but-not-too-sweet, lemon-flavored libation.

The occasion for the festivities? The opening of Court TV’s Washington bureau, featuring Savannah Guthrie, Fred Graham, producer Bryan Lavietes, and a dozen other staffers.

We said hello to all the usual suspects, hinted to the Court TV folks that we’d love to be on TV — even if it means getting yelled at by Nancy Grace — and loaded up on sushi.

After the jump, pictures from the event (amateur shots by one of your editors, not photos by Liz Gorman, that Super-Hot Girl Reporter). Plus, our report card on the proceedings. Check it all out here.

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It’s early yet, but we have a contender for funniest Post column of the year. MORE »

You can’t say we didn’t warn you. DC’s Funniest Celebrity benefit went down last night, and while we missed it, our spies are everywhere. Blogger/Journalist/Funnyman/Karaoke aficionado Patrick Gavin, seen here doing his famous “semi-professional bloggers drive like this” routine:

wrote up the event, but left out one salient detail: MORE »