WASHINGTON, DC, 01:49 AM, SAT SEPTEMBER 6 | tips@wonkette.com | SUBMIT A TIP | RSS

Posts Tagged ‘math’

How Hillary Clinton Will Win The Nomination Now

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

So Hillary Clinton has announced that she will stay in the presidential race until there is a nominee. By most measures, there already is one, so she is stupid. But Elite Math still says that she has a chance of winning this thing, as the above scenario from CNN’s thrill-a-minute delegate counter shows. In this one, she will clinch the nomination (with one extra delegate!) by winning 45% of undecided superdelegates and 100% of remaining pledged delegates. Yes She Can! What other possibilities are there for Hillary to become president, according to this fun CNN game? MORE »


Obama’s Joyless Math Beats Hillary’s Magical Maps

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

Indiana math is different, because of the time zoneCable news anchors, you are all fired, except for Chuck Todd. You freak out for weeks about all the crazy doomsday scenarios in which Hillary Clinton might be able to WREST the nomination from Captain Hope, and finally at 2 a.m. you’re like, “Oh, but the math.” This is a photograph of Hillary Clinton also thinking about math. [New York Observer]


Hillary’s Magical Maps!

Thursday, April 24th, 2008

A new land, founded on hunters, olds, bitters, and ladiesTop Clinton advisor Harold Ickes arrived on Capitol Hill yesterday armed with magical maps showing how his candidate would win the nomination if Democrats were Republicans, Florida and Michigan’s excluded votes were included, and black caucus-goers were cast into the sea. These maps created a spacious gulag in the Middle West for educated voters under 40, and demonstrated how Barack Obama could never win tough Republican strongholds like California and New York. MORE »


The Pennsylvania Surge Is Working!

Friday, April 18th, 2008

This graph can kill you with its bare handsHold on to your panties, Obamatards: since Wednesday night’s debate, Barack Obama has lost a point and Hillary Clinton has gained two in the prestigious Zogby Poll. The final nail in the coffin comes from Zogby’s own John Zogby: “No ground really gained or lost by either candidate after Wednesday’s debate.” DOOM DOOM DOOM. [Newsmax/Real Clear Politics]


Clinton Fears U.S. Becoming Island Nation Of Samurai

Thursday, March 27th, 2008

Your eyes are hazel And soft as cloudsHillary Clinton is afraid that Americans are going to start prancing around in knee socks and filming radioactive giant lizard-based horror films, now that we are sinking into a “Japanese-style malaise.” But these terrible tragedies can be avoided if we resort to crazy nanny state policies like having the Federal Housing Administration purchase underwater mortgages. MORE »


Al Gore Will Be Our Next Vice President, Again

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

Eight more years!There is no better way to divine the future than to see what people are betting on. This is why everybody knew well in advance that the Patriots were going to win the Super Bowl in a walk! Now the mathematics of chance turns its eagle eye to the Democratic vice presidential contest and discovers that the likeliest pick is Nobel Prize winner, 8-year Veep, and secret president Al Gore. MORE »


Mike Huckabee Bravely Battles Math

Monday, February 11th, 2008

Loves pork chops, hates sums & figuringSenator John McCain might have enough delegates to win the Republican presidential nomination, but that’s not stopping rival Mike Huckabee from soldiering on. Huckabee now has the opportunity to define himself as the only true conservative in the race with the guts to stand up to Big Math. MORE »


To Do: Math Marketing

Monday, March 19th, 2007

* Mute Math at the 9:30 Club with The Cinematics & Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin $15 at 9 p.m. [9:30 Club]
* The Artie Shaw Orchestra (minus the late Artie Shaw) at the Blues Alley. $25 at 8 p.m. & 10 p.m. [Blues Alley]
* Four local authors — Louis Bayard, Eleanor Herman, Franklin Foer, and James Swanson — read from their books at the Penn Quarter Olsson’s. What connects these authors? HarperCollins paperbacks. Free at 7 p.m. [Olsson's]