• VIRGINIA COPS, THEY AIN’T TOO SMART: “Five Virginia Department of Corrections officers have been charged with animal cruelty involving the fondling of a K-9 dog and videotaping the two incidents … ‘Essentially, he was touching the dog’s penis with his hand,’ Beasley said. ‘The others were there filming it. That’s actually how we learned of it — there’s a video.’” Oh fine, one more funny sentence: “‘I would characterize it as hazing,’ he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, ‘If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.’” [Culpeper Star-Exponent, the best name in newspaper history]

Comical Italian hump-monster Silvio Berlusconi is always getting into scrapes — sexual scrapes, that is! The latest involves an audio tape, released to an Italian newspaper, purporting to be the prime minister and a 42-year-old escort talking about sex things, such as masturbation, immediately after they had sex together. She taped the whole thing with her cell phone, the naughty minx! Italian speakers, enjoy. [The Guardian, L'espresso]

* Mexican drug lords say a little prayer every night for Barack Obama, without whom none of their meth profits would be possible. [Hit & Run]
* Walnuts kept from going nuts in Vietnamese prisons by rubbing one out to Nancy Ronald Reagan every night. [YouTube]
* Giuliani’s running not because of maniacal power lust, but because he thinks people want him to. [Freakonomics]
* Guy who calls Dick Cheney “Dad” also makes the call on what “sex for visa” and “air marshal drug smuggling” gets swept under the rug at DHS. [Think Progress]
* “Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris has won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.” [World Net Daily]
* Mike Huckabee already plans to give up campaign, book sales doing fine. [Political Wire]
* Wanted: one military operation name thinker-upper, knowledge of history or familiarity with comic books a plus. [Rising Hegemon]
* Red, white and blue “Stephen Colberry” ice cream coming soon to better supermarkets everywhere. [Salon]

• Foley’s cover this whole time wasn’t Hastert but a secret cabal of gay House members. [Whiskey Bar]

• Who will all be outed next week. [Political Animal]
• Oh! Those wacky prank playing pages. “Just kidding Mark, you can come out now!” [LGF]
• Only a day left to get these Foley jokes memorized in time for the weekend. [Boozhy]
• Every great thing has its drawbacks, and this Cocktober the return of the Austin Powers voice is already annoying the shit out of us. [Hotline on Call]
• Iran’s highest religious authority addresses the issue of strokin’ during Ramadan: apparently it’s fine as long as you don’t stain the sheets. [Captain's Quarters]
• Interior Department employees love the porn. Really, they love it. [Slashdot]

• The Osama and Kola story comes to the big screen - think “Pretty Woman meets Midnight Express.” [TPMmuckraker]

• Limbaugh guest host believes racial slurs good enough for Stanley Kubrick are good enough for him. [Media Matters]
• They get moral points for trying, but now Time Inc. is giving up and going back to the grey haired fans that adore them. [Romenesko]
• Tom Cruise knows the Germans are suckers for some totalitarianism and he wants in. [The Swamp]
• You thought S.R. Sidarth uses his free time to help orphans and shut-ins? Nope, he spends “at least a few hours a week jacking off to Internet porn,” just like you . [Riehl World View]
• If New York Democratic gubernatorial candidate Tom Suozzi had any chance of winning, he wouldn’t be wasting time with any of our punch-drunk family members. [Gawker]
• New “Google Soapbox” debuts, has conservative slant. [MoJo]
• Federal Air Marshal Service drops dress code, fearing it endangered marshals cover — it’s not the clothes guys, it’s the mustaches. [Captain's Quarters]

• Linda Cropp’s TV ads started today — “Judgement” and “Determined,” inspired by 7th Heaven episodes. [Cut DC Taxes]
• Blackberries seriously damaging to mental health. [The Conservative Futurist ]
• U r 2 cool 2 b sad. [Carrie Broadshoulders]
• Masturbation poll: 48 year old man. Q: At your cubicle / in your office? A: Yes, and often. [Craigslist]
• She can’t get any finer. “Perhaps you can provide us with a way to appropriately handle the most obscene thing I have witnessed recently. One of our co-workers showed up today covered in spandex. Yes, a spandex body suit.” [WP's Professional Refinement Chat]

• Surfing the net and being able to “rub one out” are the soothing remedies used by workers of all levels. [Rock Creek Rambler]

• Once again, DC is screwed by the suburbs. [Carrie Broadshoulders]
• DC dude-bloggers’ tips on how to run your “Hoo Ha beautification regimen.” [First Date DC]
• Finally something to distinguish the mayoral candidates! Vincent Orange hates the gays, Cropp loves ‘em. [Cut DC Taxes; DCist]

• Bill Bennett: separated at birth from another fat blowhard. [Brains Over Bombs]

• The Condi Rice issue of Playboy will finally reveal her turn-ons, including, “a hard throbbing insurgency.” [The Anacostia Diaries]
• The massive anti-hotel-room-porn lobby badly stumbles when their ad featuring a masturbator in handcuffs incites more masturbation. [Pandagon]
• Power outage causes spontaneous orgies on Tokyo subway trains. [ Reuters]
• If you can’t get drunk on the plane, the terrorists have won. [BusinessWeek]
• Michael Chertoff got The Chase and Minority Report from Netflix last weekend, world to suffer. [Boing Boing]

• Al Sharpton’s descent into madness reaches new milestone with incorporation of the “Space Jam” theme song into Connecticut rally speech. [Hartford Courant]

• Dilbert creator longs to be a cog in the machine. [Dilbert Blog]
• A convenient truth: global warming is producing new premium beers. [BBC]
• Intern humiliates DHS by creating informative website in two flip-flop-wearing months. [Boing Boing]
• If Smith Point advertised on television, this it what it would look like. [Logged Hours]
• Some days Tony Snow wishes he was still asking the questions, instead of not answering them. [Boozhy]
• National Conservative Student Conference peddling masturbatory fodder to “baby wingnuts.” [Pandagon]

Cold, loveless, formulaic punditry: MORE »

* Hopefully, It would at least get him to chill out on all the wars and shit. [The Blinding Glare of the Obvious] MORE »

* No wonder Tom Malin likes Condi so much — check out her firm, toned butt! Clearly she’s been working on those glutes. [Princess Sparkle Pony] MORE »