massholes

Hi people of Massachusetts! Did you enjoy your brief flirtation with having two Democratic senators like a goddamn blue state should? Welp, that’s over thanks to the Kenyan socialist pretender! After some incredibly boring speculation, it looks like hangdog-faced John Kerry will be your new Secretary of State, America!! GET EXCITED:

We have been watching Wolf Blitzer check in with all of CNN’s weird “cock-us cams” molesting exit polls workers around the country for a few hours now, and now we are watching Rick Santorum give an incoherent lecture to a group of cheerleaders trying to ignore him as they finish Tuesday night practice in a […]

Tornadoes and floods and wildfires and droughts and other biblical plagues have been killing Americans and destroying their towns all year long, but constipated mannequin Mitt Romney wants to be seen as a real tough-guy Tea Party asshole these days. So he told a crowd that helping storm victims is “immoral” and that it also […]

World-class asshole Mitt Romney was flying back from the Winter Olympics — he must always remind everyone that he worked at the Winter Olympics once — when a fellow passenger tried to punch him out. Already a perfect story, right? WELL IT GETS BETTER, because the reason the guy attacked Romney is because Romney was […]

Ugh, Mitt Romney is introducing Scott Brown. Shouldn’t a *winner* introduce America’s Newest Teabagger Star? Well, not a lot of GOP winners around, lately, so unless Scott Brown wants to introduce himself — maybe, a naked Scott Brown could introduce the clothed Scott Brown? — then Mittens is the best opening act available. Let’s listen […]

Are you feeling nostalgic for Election Night 2008? This is almost exactly like that night, with a few small differences. For one, it’s again illegal to be black in America, so go back to Socialism-land, Rahm! Also, Andrew Sullivan may move back to Canada, he’s so bummed. There’s also a very good chance the beloved […]