Tag Archives: massholes

  a very special special election

Obama Nominates Kerry, Nation Collectively Shrugs

Hi people of Massachusetts! Did you enjoy your brief flirtation with having two Democratic senators like a goddamn blue state should? Welp, that’s over thanks to the Kenyan socialist pretender! After some incredibly boring speculation, it looks like hangdog-faced John Kerry will be your new Secretary of State, America!! GET EXCITED: Read more on Obama Nominates Kerry, Nation Collectively Shrugs…
  suffer with us

Sooper Toosday Liveblog Cuatro: Get It Together Already, Ohio Results

We have been watching Wolf Blitzer check in with all of CNN’s weird “cock-us cams” molesting exit polls workers around the country for a few hours now, and now we are watching Rick Santorum give an incoherent lecture to a group of cheerleaders trying to ignore him as they finish Tuesday night practice in a high school gym in “Stupidville, Ohio.” Isn’t this fun, kids? Boy 2008 was just a warm-up round for this kind of excitement. Rick Santorum reports that freedom has pretty much died in America, which is such old news that we are inclined to rule this statement proof that Rick Santorum is even more stupid than Wolf Blitzer. Let us continue our liveblog of torture and tears! Read more on Sooper Toosday Liveblog Cuatro: Get It Together Already, Ohio Results…
  mormon jesus hates america

Mitt Romney Says Helping America’s Tornado Victims Is ‘Immoral’

Tornadoes and floods and wildfires and droughts and other biblical plagues have been killing Americans and destroying their towns all year long, but constipated mannequin Mitt Romney wants to be seen as a real tough-guy Tea Party asshole these days. So he told a crowd that helping storm victims is “immoral” and that it also “makes no sense.” Just let those stupid Midwestern people die already! If Mormon Jesus wanted Americans in the Heartland to be alive, he wouldn’t have killed them with a constant parade of devastating megastorms! Read more on Mitt Romney Says Helping America’s Tornado Victims Is ‘Immoral’…
  totally had it coming

Hero Finally Punches Mitt Romney

World-class asshole Mitt Romney was flying back from the Winter Olympics — he must always remind everyone that he worked at the Winter Olympics once — when a fellow passenger tried to punch him out. Already a perfect story, right? WELL IT GETS BETTER, because the reason the guy attacked Romney is because Romney was telling the guy to put his seat up. Read more on Hero Finally Punches Mitt Romney…
  teabaggers forever!

Scott Brown Is America’s Naked President!!!

Ugh, Mitt Romney is introducing Scott Brown. Shouldn’t a *winner* introduce America’s Newest Teabagger Star? Well, not a lot of GOP winners around, lately, so unless Scott Brown wants to introduce himself — maybe, a naked Scott Brown could introduce the clothed Scott Brown? — then Mittens is the best opening act available. Let’s listen to your new GOP leadership! Read more on Scott Brown Is America’s Naked President!!!…
  our nation's first white president

Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault

Are you feeling nostalgic for Election Night 2008? This is almost exactly like that night, with a few small differences. For one, it’s again illegal to be black in America, so go back to Socialism-land, Rahm! Also, Andrew Sullivan may move back to Canada, he’s so bummed. There’s also a very good chance the beloved Health Care Reform will be passed. But still, SO SAD, right? MARTHA COAKLEY IS AMERICA’S BIGGEST LOSER. Let’s enjoy the final liveblog of the final night of the final election of Soviet America, because life is going to be awesome once the Republicans use their complete control of the White House and Congress to send you back to prison, hippie. Read more on Liveblogging the Death of Socialism, Which Is Ted Kennedy’s Fault…