Wonkette

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry is running for re-election and, while he’s at it, defiling what is sacred ground to many a Masshole: the local Dunkin’ Donuts. We get this tragic on-the-scene report from tipster “Troy.” MORE »

Now that Barack Obama has killed Comedy, America’s last best hope for political laffs is a McCain-Romney ticket. And it looks like Mitt Romney may oblige, given the latest development in his years-long quest to be humiliated by, with, and on behalf of John McCain. He has forgiven the $45 million in loans he made to himself so that he could eke out a few more weeks in terrible debates with the cranky old war vet during primary season! And this means he probably wants to be vice president. MORE »

Here is Massachusetts State Representative James Fagan talking about all the horrible things defense attorneys will do in order to get their clients off the hook when they’re facing stiff mandatory sentences. But because he himself was a defense attorney once, he says “I’ll do this” and “I’ll do that,” leading to people being outraged about how mean “he’ll” be to six-year-old rape victims. Oy. [YouTube]

Massachusetts state Senator J. James Marzilli Jr. has a certain daily routine. He likes to take a pleasant constitutional through Lowell, Massachusetts’ beautiful parks. During this time of year, of course, the ladies of the park tend to gather in their flowing, bounteous summer dresses, to drink iced tea and chat about our boys overseas. Marzilli enjoys overhearing the ladies’ conversations, and then he enjoys approaching the individual ladies, and then he enjoys lunging for their chotches and boobs. Then he enjoys running from the cops against traffic in one-way streets, dressed like a hobo, scaring the patrons at the hot dog stands; and when he is caught, he enjoys giving the cops the name of another state legislator, while crying for his life. MORE »

Mayor David Cohen of Newton, Massachusetts, one day after he “warned that his city might close library branches, reduce the police force, and cut services to seniors if voters reject a property tax increase,” has released a budget proposal that gives himself a 28% salary increase. The city council could reject it, if they enjoy THE TERRORISTS WINNING. [Boston Globe]

Citizens of Massachusetts’ 7th District, did you know what jackassery your elected representative Ed Markey is up to? Several days ago he held a Congressional hearing in Second Life, a specially designed “virtual world” for sociopaths, furries, and flying penis “avatars.” To commemorate this special event, Congressman Markey even crafted his own personal avatar: a virtual Congressman Markey who is cross-eyed with gayness. MORE »

Hey you know that handsome black politician who plagiarized Thomas Jefferson and likes to talk about hope? He is like that other guy, so an Obama presidency is as naturally doomed as the Patrick governorship. MORE »

Here is a clip of the Massachusetts Speaker of the House joking at a St. Patrick’s Day breakfast about how his very young, idealistic, underpaid female employee is a prostitute. We have a name for folks like Sal DiMasi: they are called “fat assholes.” [WBZ]

Hey, Barack Obama, we have rules in this country. Rules like, You cannot go around quoting the “I Have A Dream” speech, or the Declaration of Independence, or that weird/wrong thing FDR used to say (”The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”) to try to soothe the desperately poor and angry people who were this close to “seizing the means of production.” And that’s why Hillary’s campaign is sending everybody these shocking YouTubes proving that another black person has also trotted out a couple of patriotic chestnuts as proof that campaign speeches really do change the world. MORE »

Mitt Romney knows history. In 2004, famous gay liberal John Kerry asked maniacal conservative fellow gay liberal John McCain to be his vice president, and John McCain said no thousands of time, and then a million more times, forever, and with bombs is a fairy. Check out this “art” Romney’s using in Massachusetts to get the truth out. [via Jonathan Martin]