Tag: maryland

Of Course God Is Murdering Bald Eagles To Show He Hates Abortion

Last weekend, 13 bald eagles were found dead at a farm in Maryland. Now, most people, upon hearing that, would likely assume one of three broad categories of reasons: (1) humans being murder-y and awful; (2) something climate change-y, (3)...

Maryland Rep Opposes DC Statehood Because Of All These Facts He Just Made Up

You know what would be a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad thing for the country? If Washington DC, the only part of the continental United States that currently gets no actual say in the legislative branch of government, got full...

Christian Bride Passes Traditional Daddy Vag Inspection Before Wedding

  Weddings are the toughest, amirite, ladies? But they are the most magical day in a girl's life, if you can just make everything Just So in preparation for your big day. STEP ONE: Find a man whose walk with...
If he won't look you in the eye, don't let him near your nads

Maryland Cop Loses Job, Self-Respect After Biting Dude’s Balls In Fight

An officer with the Anne Arundel County Police Department in Maryland is no longer on the force after agreeing to a plea deal following a drunken brawl outside a bar in May. We swear we are not making up...
Hooray, an actual witch hunt!

Hindu Witch Lady Terrorizes Innocent Christians At Air Force Dental Clinic

  As we all know, the United States military is an all-evangelical Christian fighting force that's been under attack as of late, mostly by the homosexuals and the transgenders being allowed to do their gay-gender diddles in foxholes next to...
We sure showed 'em

Aw, Man, Does This Mean We Don’t Get To Do War To Iran?

Bad news for bloodlusters who've been wanting, for years, to Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran. Despite all of the warnings from the very same stupid dicks who were completely wrong about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction that turned out to just be...
This might explain The Great And Powerful Trixie's distrust of wheels.

PSA: Don’t Make Meth In Federal Labs And Blow Them Up. You Might Lose Your Job.

One more thing to add to your New Employee Handbook: Please do not cook meth in your workplace. A law enforcement officer at a federal lab has resigned after an explosion destroyed a security door in a building at...
They look pretty dangerous. Probably sell those abortion cookies, too.

Maryland Girl Scouts Too Black To Have Opinions On Animal Abuse, We Guess

Somebody needs to let the people of Cecil County, Maryland, know how the plot of an uplifting Capraesque movie is supposed to go: An intrepid local journalist uncovers a scandalous bad thing, the Powers that Be don't do much...
Jesus was a party animal.

Will Christian DJs Go To Hell For Celebrating 60-Year-Old Gay Dudes’ Birthdays?

Time for a dispatch from the ever-changing, goalposts-moving definition of the phrase "religious freedom." All these whiny bitchy wingnuts have been protesting that they DO NOT EITHER hate the gays, but it violates their Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™ to do...

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side...
Coulda been worse. They coulda sent Slayer.

Oops, U.S. Military Accidentally Ships Live Anthrax All Over The Place

Oh, man, were there some red faces at the Dugway Proving Ground in Utah when it was discovered that the Army lab there had accidentally sent out live samples of anthrax to labs in six states and South Korea....
Sorry you just broke your monitor because this picture gave you such a boner.

Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples

Don't you hate it when you're watching the evening news with your mom and they say "BREAKING!" and it's a story about how a Picasso sold for $179M at Christie's auction, so you freak out because you just know...
She'd like a word with you, Baltimore

Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up

Our new (finally) Attorney General Loretta Lynch has been on the job for all of five seconds, but she's already making it clear she will carry out Eric Holder's secret plan to reverse-racism race war America. Lynch announced on...
Pppppplease!

Mean GoFundMe Refuses To Raise Cash For Allegedly Murderous Baltimore Cops

Why does GoFundMe hate the wingnuts so much? It seems like every day, somebody is putting up a campaign, only to have it canceled, just because the beneficiaries of the sweet wingnut cash quote unquote "broke laws." First you...
Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy

We got a bumper crop of idiots in the comments this week, for some reason -- our fault, really, since Yr Wonkette had to go and stir up trouble by writing stuff about the poors, the blacks, the gays,...
"Screw you, kid"

What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!

Baltimore's citizens are as mad as hell and sick and tired of being sick and tired, and every jerkhole with a mouth has an opinion about what they really need to shut 'em up and make 'em stop being...