Tag Archives: maryland

  Tinkering With The Machinery

Maryland Governor Kills Death Sentences, Ruins Fun For Execution Enthusiasts

Add your cheerful execution joke here
Maryland’s outgoing Gov. Martin O’Malley either took a commonsense action that will save the state money and months of court fights, or trampled all over the cause of justice Wednesday, when he announced that he would commute the death sentences of the four remaining prisoners on Maryland’s death row to life without the possibility of parole. O’Malley was a big supporter of move to abolish the death penalty, and after he signed the ban on executions into law in 2013, the state was left with four convicts still on death row. The commutation, one of O’Malley’s final official acts as governor, basically means that there are no leftover executions for the state to worry about. Read more on Maryland Governor Kills Death Sentences, Ruins Fun For Execution Enthusiasts…
  Onward Judeo-Christian Soldiers

Bill O’Reilly Will Fight All The Muslims In The War On Christmas

Seems it comes earlier every year
It’s that time of year again. The first snows are falling, the college kids are planning their trips home for Thanksgiving break, and the calls for impeaching the president are stretching into their sixth year. And so, it it time for the festive celebration of the War On Christmas, that annual ritual where Bill O’Reilly and all of Fox News protect the rights of Christians to scream “Merry Christmas — NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” in the name of the Prince of Peace. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Will Fight All The Muslims In The War On Christmas…
  Jesus Built My Interstate Commerce Clause

Theocrat And GOP Candidate Mike Peroutka Explains Jesus Is The Football For Your Rights

I think this painting is about a high school football player who's just died of head injuries
On this Election Day, Michael Peroutka — theocrat, neo-confederate, and Republican candidate for county council in Ann Arundel County in Maryland who has also flirted with the Constitution Party because CONSTITUTION — would just like to remind you of the Reason for Election Season: It’s Jesus! Read more on Theocrat And GOP Candidate Mike Peroutka Explains Jesus Is The Football For Your Rights…
  Must Be Go Scream At A Teacher Week Again

Hero Marine Dad Will Unleash Hell Itself If Daughter’s World History Class Says Muslims Are Real

There. Much better without that nonsense
In a shocking display of Political Correctness Run Amok, a high school in Maryland has banned a student’s father from campus simply because he threatened to “bring down a shit-storm” on the school unless his daughter’s World History class eliminated any mention of Islam, or at least excused her from having to learn that Islam has ever played a role in world history. Read more on Hero Marine Dad Will Unleash Hell Itself If Daughter’s World History Class Says Muslims Are Real…
  look away look away

Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”

A few months ago, we introduced you to the glory that is Michael Peroutka, a complete and utter wingnut who is now the GOP candidate for a county council seat in the delightfully named Anne Arundel County, Maryland. Michael likes long walks on the beach, cuddling, and spewing insane nonsense about how evolution is against the Constitution or is treason or something. He is also a stone cold racist, duh, so much so that he sang “Dixie” at the 2012 national conference for the League of the South. Seriously, nothing says “I am a huge racist” like singing the Confederate anthem to a secessionist hate group. Oh, and calling “Dixie” the National Anthem also too. Let’s not forget that part. Read more on Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”…
  not just whistling

Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days

The secret of his secession
Here’s Mike Peroutka, a great Constitutional Scholar who knows that the key to understanding our founding document is to read the Bible. He’s also a member of the neo-Confederate League of the South, an advocate of secession, and the Republican nominee for Anne Arundel County Council in Maryland. And he loves his country, although we aren’t entirely sure what country that is. You see, following a speech he gave at the 2012 League of the South national conference in Alabama, he was recorded asking the audience to stand up and sing the “National Anthem” — and then he launched into a round of “Dixie,” with the audience enthusiastically singing along: Read more on Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Take Aim At Traffic, Friends, Insufficient Jizz

Gotta Be Ready
Hey, well-regulated militia, how’s the responsible gun ownership going lately? If we’re doing a Gun Roundup, seems like we’re pretty much required to start with Florida, so here’s a story of a Responsible Gun Owner protecting his life from someone who threatened his rightful place on the road: On Friday, 83-year-old Mario Perez-Tano was stopped at a traffic light in downtown Miami when another driver pulled in front of his Volkswagen Beetle. Perez-Tano blocked in the other vehicle as it pulled out of a tire shop and got out of his car to confront the driver with a .38-caliber handgun, authorities said. That sounds pretty much like what the Founders had in mind! If you don’t take down those who cut you off in traffic, before you know it they’ll be quartering British troops in your living room. Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Take Aim At Traffic, Friends, Insufficient Jizz…
  raptor in the flag

American Genius Writes Real Good Vandalism Against Brown Babies

Some patriot got wind that an empty Army Reserve warehouse in Westminster, Maryland, might be used to temporarily house children from the Texas border, and so they did their best to save America. From children. Because obviously, Barack Obama is flooding the country with unaccompanied children so they can all vote Democratic. This is just logic, people. Read more on American Genius Writes Real Good Vandalism Against Brown Babies…
  we left out utah and no one will notice

Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!

Thanks to Snipy staying up late so we could post the results of the one election yesterday that everyone was following (Mississippi: the Old Guy won, the other asshole lost), we are left with tidying up the electoral crumbs from around our great nation. Of course, Chris McDaniel is still making grumpy whining noises about recounts and “the integrity of the vote” and such, so he hasn’t exactly conceded to the critter-fiddler. Or to reality. Now, on to the other primaries of note! Read more on Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!…
  he is the law

Wingnut Lawyer Decides That All Laws In Maryland Are Invalid Because That Makes Total Sense

We only started to pay attention to exciting new minor league wingnut Michael Peroutka a few months ago when he explained how evolution was against the Constitution. Little did we know that he is running (as a Republican, natch) for office in Anne Arundel County, Maryland. In fact, as of late Tuesday, he’s leading the field in the GOP primary for his county council district. We are totally backing this guy, because he has some amazing thoughts about how laws work. Peroutka has a super well-designed website over at the same sad corner of the Internet that houses Bradlee Dean, and besides being stuffed full of links to bad conspiracy theory books, it has a lengthy screed on how if Maryland passes laws that Michael Peroutka does not like, it means that Maryland no longer has laws. Did we mention that this guy is a lawyer? Did we mention that he is currently leading the GOP race for county council? Did we mention that you might consider leaving this person’s portion of Anne Arundel County should he succeed in this quest? Read more on Wingnut Lawyer Decides That All Laws In Maryland Are Invalid Because That Makes Total Sense…
  putting the fun in fundraising

Maryland Gov Martin O’Malley Reduced To Begging On The Streets For Dimes

Holy crap, 2016 fundraising is rough, especially if you are a Democrat not named Hillary Clinton. How rough? Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley spent the weekend engaging in his most aggressive push for campaign cash yet, and his office refuses to release how much he raised. What was his tactic? Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley (D), who is weighing a 2016 presidential bid, spent part of his Memorial Day doubling as a street musician in downtown Annapolis. Maybe he was just practicing in case Arsenio Hall, circa 1991, called.  Read more on Maryland Gov Martin O’Malley Reduced To Begging On The Streets For Dimes…
  what would vengeful god do?

Modern Technology For Your Vengeful God

As a Bible-believing Christian, you’re no stranger to outrage. Only now you’re outraged at yourself. It started with that excellent Arizona bill to protect Godly businesses from gay sinners. You found out about that from the Huffington Post. The Huffington Post, for the admiration of Moses! (Why were you even looking at the Huffington Post? You will remember to discuss this with your Pastor.) Then, bam! Before you could say “amen,” that nice lady Jan Brewer vetoes the thing! You could hardly believe it! That shook you, but now comes the final straw. A bill protecting people who rebel against God’s gender choices has cleared the Maryland State Senate and is full steam ahead for passage. Where did this come from, besides Satan? How are you supposed to write righteous letters and call legislative offices and yell at everyone righteously if you’re as blind as that guy in the Bible who was blind until Jesus healed him? But then! Like a push notification from God, it comes to you: TrackBill. There is probably something called TrackBill that you can use to keep on top of this stuff. So you check, and yes there is, and it’s called TrackBill! Read more on Modern Technology For Your Vengeful God…
  one joke over the line

Satire Claims Another Victim: Police Chief Cites Fake News Story As Proof That Weed Kills

Bargain-rack Onion imitator The Daily Currant found its way into testimony given to the Maryland Senate Tuesday by Annapolis Police Chief Michael Pristoop, who solemnly informed a Senate panel of the disaster that lies in wait for any state that legalizes marijuana: “The first day of legalization, that’s when Colorado experienced 37 deaths that day from overdose on marijuana,” Pristoop testified at Tuesday’s Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee hearing. “I remember the first day it was decriminalized there were 37 deaths.” Yes, and we vividly remember Neil Armstrong saying “Jesus H. Christ, Houston, We’re on the fucking Moon.” Read more on Satire Claims Another Victim: Police Chief Cites Fake News Story As Proof That Weed Kills…
  happy as a klan

Maryland KKK Appreciates Use Of Tax-Funded Building To End Obama Government’s Reign Of Terror

There’s government openness, and then there’s government openness — like for instance the Cecil County Government building in Elkton, Maryland, which will be the meeting place for a Ku Klux Klan group today; the Confederate White Knights will be renting the building’s Elk Room so they can gripe about immigration and make plans for the impeachment of Barack Obama. This is the same group of White Power Rangers whose plans to hold a rally at the Gettysburg National Military Park back in October was ruined by the government shutdown, so the poor pointy-heads are probably pretty delighted to find something open for a change. Imperial Wizard Richard Preston told the Cecil Whig that the group had a few simple items on the agenda “Barack Hussein Obama is an illegal president. He needs to be removed from office. We also want ‘Obamacare’ shut down. It’s against citizen’s rights.” “On top of that, we want the laws toughened on immigration. We’re flooded with illegal immigrants and our people can’t find jobs.” We’re guessing that the stench of burning crosses may have something to do with that. Read more on Maryland KKK Appreciates Use Of Tax-Funded Building To End Obama Government’s Reign Of Terror…
  don't help because he's not acually being oppressed

Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition

Man, what is it with Republicans whining about not getting everything they want, up to and including a pony for their birthday and a tiara? It’s like the party has been taken over by a bunch of 4-year-olds who insist their tantrums be taken as serious arguments. Who are the latest group of pouty monkey-howlers? Take it away, Washington Post: [A] 49-year-old information technology consultant wants to apply the knife to Maryland’s five western counties. “The people are the sovereign,” says Scott Strzelczyk, leader of the fledgling Western Maryland Initiative, and the western sovereigns are fed up with Annapolis’s liberal majority, elected by the state’s other sovereigns. First off, props to the Post for the nice “state’s other sovereigns.” That was a nice bit of snark. Anyway, yet another group of rural Republicans are sick and tired of their liberty being infringed upon by… well, fellow citizens who vote in democratic elections for folks who then pass laws through an open and transparent process. Clearly, this is the height of TYRANNY!  Read more on Secession Is The New Orange, Which Is The New Black: Maryland Edition…
  that chicken knows whats coming

Darrell Issa Not Desperate At All In Opening New IRS Investigation

Noted Congressional assclown and unconfirmed cosmic turd Darrell Issa (R-Satan’s Bunghole) is back to his old shenanigans where he opens his mouthhole with gibberish sounds that will likely be proven false by the time you finish reading this post. It must be a day! What is California’s most repulsive gift to society doing this time? More about the IRS, of course. Per The Hill: The IRS subjected conservative groups already granted tax-exempt status to additional scrutiny during the 2012 election cycle, House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) charged on Monday. Issa called on a Treasury watchdog already looking into the IRS to investigate the matter, and signaled he would expand his committee’s probe into improper targeting of political groups given the new revelations. Read more on Darrell Issa Not Desperate At All In Opening New IRS Investigation…