• This little shark in Virginia was immaculately conceived! How long until Baby Shark Jesus replaces Sarah Palin on the GOP ticket, to Appeal To The Base? [WTOP]
• Some geniuses are trying to encourage you to drink responsibly, by making you buy six beers when you only want one. [DCist]
• Hillary Clinton’s new email pyramid scheme is called the “Hotliner.” It’s based out of the Watergate and sounds like it involves sexy eyeliner. [Fishbowl DC]
• Local states Maryland and Virginia rank 10th and 11th, respectively, on Business Week’s list of most terribly mismanaged state budgets. [DC Examiner]
• A certain formed DC Councilman/Pynchon character named “Harold Brazil” was arrested for assaulting someone who worked at a tattoo parlor. [Washington Post]

Hey can you believe that after this week you can still afford to even read this website, for free? But still, what better way to spend the remainder of your savings than forgetting that all this economic tragedy happened at all, by taking advantage of “wine tastings” in Maryland. Or, alternatively, there’s German trance music and a pretty Colombian actress. MORE »

• This mom just gave her daughter some vodka, so why was she arrested for giving her child the best 13th birthday party ever? Was it because later that 13 year old went to the ER with alcohol poisoning? Or was it because the jealous police were just a bunch of losers when they were in middle school? [DCist]
• This DC police officer was arrested for embezzling $180k using some complicated speeding ticket scheme that turns out not to have worked anyway. [WTOP]
• Maryland farmers can no longer dump chicken feces in the Chesapeake. It’s only now this is being mandated. [Washington Post]
• There are more people than ever riding the Metro and for shorter distances than ever. [DC Examiner]
• Oh, finally, some much-needed vapid musings about orchids, and some inept drawings of some other people, who are all missing several limbs, who also muse vapidly about orchids. [Washington Independent]

• Meet Huck, a Maverick golden retriever who discovered turpentine in a Rock Creek Park stream. He played in that stream for 5 1/2 years. [City Desk]
• Maryland will eventually be as hot as the desert city of Phoenix, but at least it will be more humid! [DCist]
• Mayor Fenty is anti-union, according to unions, who printed out fliers in color saying as much. [DC Examiner]
• The only things still in DC are orphaned BlackBerrys, some losers who are embarrassed to even be there, and of course President Bush and his friend the president of Tanzania. [Washington Post]
• Some Metro cars received bouncy handles of the future, which are prejudiced towards both short and tall people. [NBC 4]
• The Washington Times cafeteria remains tragically barren, as diplomatic ties with the caterer are crumbling. [Fishbowl DC]

Do you live in the Washington D.C. metro area? If so, you are probably going to die soon because there is a COUGAR on the prowl. According to Wonkette “Terp” operative “Chris,” security officials at University of Maryland at College Park are warning students that the dreadful monster, this cougar, has been seen hunting students for sustenance. And now it is coming for you and your terrible family! MORE »

Hey look, it’s Congressman Albert Wynn, a Maryland Democrat. He is resigning, according to WTOP, because “Wynn was beaten by activist Donna Edwards.” Did he like it? MORE »

Is perverted Maryland Republican (ex-)legislator Robert McKee actually Ned Flanders, from the Simpsons teevee show? One commenter suggests this. Either way, why does Barack Obama let child pornography exist?

*ANOTHER FUN FACT ABOUT PERVERT LEGISLATOR ROBERT MCKEE:* He was on the Romney for President Maryland Steering Committee. Or as he probably called it in his head, Mustache Rides For Mittens. [Mitt Romney]

In a rare display of political hypocrisy, a longtime Republican lawmaker has resigned today after child pornography was discovered on his computer. Can you imagine such a thing? Let’s meet Maryland Delegate Robert A. McKee, 58, a 29-year state representative with a proud record of fighting sex offenders. We believe the appropriate metaphor here would be “textbook.” MORE »

Poor Michelle Obama. Not only does she have to put up with stadiums full of women moaning ecstatically every time her husband opens his mouth, now she also has to worry about Chris Matthews and the “feeling he gets up his legs.” Brian Williams points this out, probably out of jealousy because he has no feelings.

Barack Obama won another big primary day! He got enough of the votes and the delegates and the white people and the liberal women to wipe out Hillary Clinton. (YES THE BLACKS ALSO VOTED FOR HIM. STOP PLAYING THE RACE CARD.) So now we go to, er, Wisconsin? And then Texas, and Ohio, and Hawaii?