Tag Archives: maryland

  nice time!

Your Monday Nice Time: Wonket Does A Gay Marriage, Brings Modern Society Closer To Crumbling Into Sea

Good morning, straight people. We want to talk to you about that weird feeling you’ve been having for about a week — that one where your marriage feels like it’s… worth less. You may be wondering why you feel that way. We happen to know. It’s because Yr Wonket performed a gay marriage in the newly gay-marriagelicious state of Maryland! After winning our sort-of-contest thing, two wonderful people — one of them your friend from the comment section, widestanceromance — made a life-long commitment to each other and it was a very lovely day, but because the lovely people were both guys, everybody else’s marriages have been hereby ruined, and also you should probably be prepping for the tidal wave of abortions and unwed mothers and crack epidemics and Seth Rogen movies that come along with every gay marriage. It was totally worth it. Read more on Your Monday Nice Time: Wonket Does A Gay Marriage, Brings Modern Society Closer To Crumbling Into Sea…
  legislative badass

Rep Elijah Cummings Smacks Down Darrell Issa, Badass Style

Time for a new series here on Wonket! In what is the sister of Nice Time and the antithesis of Legislative Shitmuffin, we proudly introduce Legislative Badasses. These folks are fighting foolishness, generating goodness, and counteracting conservatives. Our inaugural Legislative Badass hails from the great state of Maryland and spends his days tirelessly fighting the spawn of Satan’s bunghole, Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Backpedaling). We present to you Rep. Elijah Cummings. We have selected him to kick off this occasional feature because he recently sent this FUCKING AWESOME letter to Rep. Issa demanding that Issa release the full transcripts from interviews with IRS employees. While the subject matter demands something longer and more substantial than the greatest letter ever sent by a lawyer, Rep. Cummings’ missive is nonetheless a fine tutorial on How It Is Done. Let’s learn a few lessons in discursive badassery, shall we? Read more on Rep Elijah Cummings Smacks Down Darrell Issa, Badass Style…
  a hard rain's gonna fall

Your Precious Little Boyfriend Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley Taxing The Heavens And God Himself

Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s intrepid dick, Matthew Boyle, has broken another important story, and it is that Martin O’Malley, governor of Maryland and your boyfriend, is taxing RAIN. Haw haw haw what a dummy, Martin O’Malley. Your arms too short to tax with God! Let us see what the Great Heretic is trying to do today: Read more on Your Precious Little Boyfriend Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley Taxing The Heavens And God Himself…
  destroying the sanctity of everything

Announcing The Winners Of Your Wonkette Maryland Gay Marriage Extravaganza

Happy Ceremonial Inauguration Day! On this, the day Big Barry Bamz The Dancing Muslim said “gay marriage” in a real inaugural address, we bring you further news of the crumbling Judeo-Christian democracy: You may recall a little contest in which we offered to perform a marriage ceremony for a gay couple in Maryland, where it is now legal to do that kind of thing. Turns out two couples actually took us seriously, and, because we are not in the disappointment biz, we are doing both! Read more on Announcing The Winners Of Your Wonkette Maryland Gay Marriage Extravaganza…
  but his back hurts real bad gosh

Humble Maryland Bureaucrat Has Catheter, Will Make You Tend To It

If even half the accusations flying in court are true, Anne Arundel County Executive John Leopold has a great security detail. These folks may have helped him destroy election opponents’ signs, sure, but what “security detail” doesn’t do that? WaPo says, though, that it gets far saucier: One of Maryland’s top politicians used his security detail to set up weekly sexual encounters with a subordinate in Annapolis parking lots, to maintain dossiers on political opponents and to make sure his two lovers never ran into each other, according to an indictment released Friday. And all these security folks wanted was taxpayer money! What, is that not ok? Read more on Humble Maryland Bureaucrat Has Catheter, Will Make You Tend To It…
  party of personal responsibility

Drunky Maryland Pol: Gay Marriage Crashed That Boat, Injured That 5-Year-Old Girl

It is not funny that Maryland Delegate Don Dwyer drunkenly crashed his boat last year, fracturing the skull of a five-year-old girl. But it is funny that he is blaming gay marriage for the alcoholism that made him drunkenly crash his boat last year, fracturing the skull of a five-year-old girl! Oh, did we say “funny”? Well, seems like everything is funny to us! First, congratulations to Del. Dwyer for sitting down with the Capitol Gazette and making a searching and fearless moral inventory of himself. Second, the opposite of congratulations to Del. Dwyer for coming up with the positively Gingrichian “I was working too hard to protect the sanctity of marriage and that’s why I fucked my aide drunkenly crashed a boat, fracturing the skull of a five-year-old girl.” Read more on Drunky Maryland Pol: Gay Marriage Crashed That Boat, Injured That 5-Year-Old Girl…
  pancakes also too

Attention Maryland Gays: Wonkette Will Marry You So Good (UPDATE)

Updated below. We have a contest on our hands, people! There are no rules but the prize is getting married. Since Maryland voters got all hopped up on equality and passed Question 6, Your Wonkette has decided to get in on the gay marriage game, because we Care About The Community and it sounds way fun. If you are a gay couple who wishes to get married and you need an officiant, Wonkette will provide you, free of charge, a genuine ordained reverend in the Universal Life Church. (It is so legal, he has been ordained for five years now, and he is me.) Read more on Attention Maryland Gays: Wonkette Will Marry You So Good (UPDATE)…
  last train to queerville

Hero Marylander Will Simply Not Have Gays On His Trolley, He Will Not

There is injustice in Maryland, friends. A serious threat to civil rights. It’s about their ballot approval of gay marriage — it’s kicking in, and it’s causing serious issues. You might think the problem is people discriminating against gays, but you would be wrong: The problem is actually people discriminating against people discriminating against gays. The victims are upstanding business owners like Discover Annapolis Tours’ Matt Grubbs, who wants only to exclude gay people from the marriage services he provides on his trolley, because gross, gay people, amen. Read more on Hero Marylander Will Simply Not Have Gays On His Trolley, He Will Not…
  exploiter of cheap elf labor

Proponent Of Surveillance State Prominently Featured On Maryland Ballot

Your Comics Curmudgeon just returned from standing in a mildly long line in the moderately cold weather, to vote, so he is basically history’s greatest hero for democracy. Though ultimately another vote for Barry Soetero was saved onto an inscrutable smartcard that will presumably be thrown directly in the garbage, a last-minute once-over of the ballot revealed another candidate deserving of our attention, despite the oppressive liberal media blackout. Can you really afford to not vote for someone who is all-knowing and also brings you presents annually? Find out the shocking truth, after the jump! Read more on Proponent Of Surveillance State Prominently Featured On Maryland Ballot…
  fatal attraction

Hero Maryland Pastor: Vote Against Gay Marriage Or You Should Die

So there’s this Maryland referendum coming up for a vote on November 6, see, and it’s about letting gay people marry each other. You know, so they can get those sweet tax deductions, and visit each other in the hospital, and share health insurance, and commit publicly to the one they love — all that cool stuff the straights get, for being straight. The ballot measure is 96 words long. The first 25 are about how Maryland is gonna let people marry whomever they want, because Freedom, and the last 71 words are about how churches don’t have to change anything or marry any icky gays or even talk to them, also because Freedom. Churches, however, are not happy about this anyway, and groups like the Maryland Marriage Alliance are all like “gross, ew, ew, lesbians, ew, Jesus would have haaaated you guys.” And they have a friend! His name is Derek McCoy, and he is a pastor, and he thinks gay people (and their friends!) should… well… die. Read more on Hero Maryland Pastor: Vote Against Gay Marriage Or You Should Die…
  the teutonic menace

GOP Rep: Student Loans Will Lead To A Holocaust Run By German-Americans, Obviously

Way out in the western part of the great state of Maryland is a mountainous land that is mostly rural and white and working class, more Winter’s Bone than The Wire. This corner of the state has been represented approximately forever by Roscoe Bartlett, an 86-year-old Republican who has something of a reputation of being “one of the sane ones” on that side of the aisle. But ol’ Roscoe is in a tough re-election fight this year, so he’s had to maybe pander a little bit, to improve his poll numbers. Like, telling your constituents at a town hall meeting that federally subsidized student loans will basically lead to a new Holocaust, a Holocaust perpetrated by the millions of German-Americans who are just lurking among us, just waiting for their orders from their dead Nazi overlords to rise up and slaughter the Jews — that’s what they want to hear, right? That’ll get votes? Read more on GOP Rep: Student Loans Will Lead To A Holocaust Run By German-Americans, Obviously…
  corporate whores in the news

New York Times Columnist Bravely Defends Fortune 500 Company From Comedian, Grieving Parents

Well thank heavens, the Paper of Record is here to valiantly defend a Fortune 500 company from bereaved parents and the internet, which is exactly why we have the First Amendment, of COURSE –to better enable our press corps to write articles like this one, which is literally called  “Progressive’s Side of the Insurance Case That Blew Up on the Internet.” Because how will Progressive Insurance, a Fortune 500 company with its own 6500-piece modern art collection, defend itself without the help of the New York Times’ “Your Money” columnist typing up its side of the story? Read more on New York Times Columnist Bravely Defends Fortune 500 Company From Comedian, Grieving Parents…
  good news

Gay Marriage Passes in Maryland; Twitter Awaits Santorum’s Reaction

The Maryland Senate passed a bill allowing same-sex marriage that the House also passed last week, which the governor will now sign shortly, hooray! This makes Maryland the first state with a direct reference to Catholicism in its name to legalize gay marriage and the eighth state to do so overall, which immediately forced Virginia to also advance an anti-gay adoption bill today as a bulwark against common sense spreading any further south of the Mason-Dixon line. Twitter, meanwhile, is growing agitated that Rick Santorum has not yet issued a reaction that is gravely offensive to the basic principles of decency for it to mock. Come on, he did it for the Ninth Circuit ruling against California’s Proposition 8! Did someone forget to put another quarter in the squawking toy clown’s butt? Read more on Gay Marriage Passes in Maryland; Twitter Awaits Santorum’s Reaction…
  bureaucracy fail

Maryland Closes Nightmare Unpermitted Kids’ Lemonade Stand

Haha, here is the best argument ever made for shutting down the entire U.S. government bureaucracy:  a Maryland county inspector fined a group of children $500 for selling lemonade to raise money for a children’s cancer charity, because these small freeloaders did not have a permit. No permit, no cure for cancer, children! Read more on Maryland Closes Nightmare Unpermitted Kids’ Lemonade Stand…
  hippity hop

Michael Steele Is Now Going To Wreck MSNBC

Michael Steele was (barely) chosen as the Republican Party chairman a few years ago as a response to Barack Obama’s election to the presidency. Not a political response, so much as an image-y kind of thing. It’s hard to remember now, but the trend in 2008-2009 was all about tall, dark and handsome men. Especially the “dark” part. But the Republicans only had creepy old goatee-man Alan Keyes and bald Maryland mediocrity Michael Steele to choose from, and what’s his name, the pizza man, hadn’t yet been born. (Herman Cain is a super baby, were you aware?) So they, the Republicans, picked Michael Steele to run the Republican party. And all the angry white old people promptly started their own Republican Party, but without the black people, and they called this the “Tea Party” (even though they mostly drank Sprite). Now Michael Steele has finished his work at the RNC, and is going to be a TV star with Rachel Maddow and … I don’t know anyone else on MSNBC. Conan O’Brien? Read more on Michael Steele Is Now Going To Wreck MSNBC…
  wingnut ex-cops in the news

Right-Wing Radio Nut/Ex-Cop Accused of Murdering Neighbor

A former Baltimore cop, carpet installer and wingnut host of some web-only thing called “Liberty Works Radio Network” has been arrested for the shooting murder of his next-door neighbor, because the neighbor’s dog allegedly wouldn’t stay in its own yard. Charles “Pete” Richter (?), a 66-year-old ex-cop and failed candidate for Queen Anne’s County sheriff known for painting swastikas on the cars of his political opponents, is accused of killing his neighbor on Maryland’s Kent Island. Because of the dog. Read more on Right-Wing Radio Nut/Ex-Cop Accused of Murdering Neighbor…
  tgif tsa-1138

TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now

You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano because of those highway signs that tell drivers to report anybody doing anything suspicious, such as not eating sixteen tacos while driving to another fast food franchise. Read more on TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now…
  live under government health care and die or die

Anti-Obamacare Congressman Angry His Healthcare Won’t Start Right Away

Andy Harris is an anesthesiologist and newly-elected Republican member of Congress from Maryland who ran on an anti-health-care-reform platform, but at an orientation yesterday, he got VERY ANGRY that the government will not provide him with free health care instantly after being sworn into office in January. The government is ruining our nation’s health by making it easier for citizens to get health care, and it is also ruining our nation’s health by making it harder for congressional citizens to get health care. Yeah, seems like a pretty consistent, populist position. Read more on Anti-Obamacare Congressman Angry His Healthcare Won’t Start Right Away…
  nonstories with rodents in them

Maryland Muslim Politician Worships a Rat!

Did you know that this is the summer of the mosque? So says important daily journalism product The Washington Post, because of a zoning debate in a city several hundred miles away from where the Post’s subscriber base is centered. Naturally, the best way for them to exploit this summer theme for massive readership was to find a local mosque, or, failing that, a local Muslim. Oooh, how about one who’s running for state office in the Maryland suburbs of D.C.? Exciting! Is it controversial? Is he feeling the hate, because of the mosque? Does he worship a rat? Quick answers: no, no, yes. Read more on Maryland Muslim Politician Worships a Rat!…
  rawr she is good at her job rawr

Adorable Ad Finally Proves That Barbara Mikulski Is a T-Rex

This is probably supposed to be an attack ad, but isn’t little old Barbara Mikulski just so CUTE when her head is attached to a Tyrannosaurus Rex’s body? And then Reid and Pelosi are too? That should be how Congress does its official portraits. It’s very endearing! ANYWAY, this Eric Wargotz guy is not afraid to put on a silly costume and prance around the Capitol, even though he wants to have a serious job there in a couple of months. Read more on Adorable Ad Finally Proves That Barbara Mikulski Is a T-Rex…
  terrorism: sharks vs. jets

Which Political Side Attacked Discovery Channel?

BREAKING NEWS: That crazy guy who was maybe strapped with a bomb and took hostages in the Discovery Channel headquarters in Silver Spring was shot (UPDATE: and killed) and all the hostages are safe. Hooray! His name is James Lee, and he protested there a lot, and one time he threw thousands of dollars in the air there, and then a judge told him he couldn’t go near there ever again. But more importantly, people found his website, which is now down and which had a hilarious list of demands and beliefs. Naturally, while this scary thing was going on, liberals and conservatives did the only thing they could do: tell people this crazy armed guy is a conservative and a liberal, respectively. Read more on Which Political Side Attacked Discovery Channel?…
  oh god she's drunk with power now

Sarah Palin Tries To Make Maryland Gubernatorial Election Interesting

Sarah Palin knows that one of the things that makes modern America great is that we don’t abide losers, especially when it comes to politics. Once you’ve lost, you should just get the hell out and go home, because America is bored with you (unless you lost as a running mate, obviously). Really, how did we manage to stay awake through all those Bryan-McKinley and Eisenhower-Stevenson elections? That’s why, in a heroic attempt to save Maryland from the crushing ennui of a gubernatorial race that’s a repeat of the one from four years ago, she’s endorsed an unelectable right-winger that nobody has ever heard of. Read more on Sarah Palin Tries To Make Maryland Gubernatorial Election Interesting…