Barack Obama did something today that he has not been able to do very often during a health care debate: address the Youngs! Usually it is all about convincing old, voting retards that he will not kill them with black people weapons. The atmosphere at University of Maryland’s Comcast Center was so 2008! There was even a volley of “fired up, ready to go.” Remember when everyone used to love that?? Also: He referred to friendly, fat, and very unimportant Congressmen Dutch Ruppersberger as “Butch,” and all the kids started booing when he mentioned Max Baucus, ha ha. How ginchy! It’s the new college fad. [YouTube]

United States Senator Ben Cardin of Maryland has a nephew in politics! You knew this. But did you know that said nephew, state delegate Jon Cardin, is a tacky dingbat who should probably resign after diverting scarce police resources from MURDER INVESTIGATIONS to his dumb boat for the purpose of scaring his girlfriend into marrying him? MORE »

• REGARDING THE FAT DUMB SWANS OF MARYLAND: This is the only important news story of the day, or year: “Everyone loves swans in Maryland! They’re very pretty. But some of them are mute! Those ones… well they are not so pretty and must be killed immediately… That means shooting adults or snapping their necks, and coating eggs with vegetable oil to suffocate embryos.” [NBC Washington]

• After abdicating, benign boner George W. Bush spent his days quietly playing Guitar Hero and landing juice box endorsements. But Jesus had different plans for Archdick Cheney. [Off The Grid]
• Amber Alert! Thousands of peeling, morbidly obese millionaires have been abducted in Maryland. Consult with your milk carton, leave no yacht barnacle or dead hooker unturned! Oh God please return them safe and untaxed! MY BABIES! [RedState]
• As a practical joke, Daniel Ellsberg leaked Michelle Malkin 50,000 illegible emails detailing how, with a little help from ACORN, every character from Disney’s Aladdin — even Jafar — voted for Barack Obama. [Michelle Malkin]
• Senator John Cornyn (R-TX) — also known as “Big Bad John” or simply “gimp” — has once again gone off and done something really really gay! [AMERICAblog]

We should have known. We should have known that Barack Obama would try to kill us via that Red Chinese nerd queer, the energy secretary “Choo Choo,” who’s so dumb and violent that he doesn’t even know what oil is. This Energy Department aide of his went down to Mexico a couple of weeks ago to set the table for Obama’s visit, and he just had to fuck a pig while he was there, and then he got the disease and tried to kill his whole family with it, in Maryland. MORE »

There is a blue crab baby boom, in the Chesapeake! These baby boomer crabs are distinctive for sporting blue “aprons” around their midsection and for their affinity for waxing nostalgic about Saturday Night Live episodes that aired between 1975-1979. [Washington Post] MORE »

If you’re not genius enough to figure out the rules of kickball, then you might want to try dodgeball, which is so simple that common children play it every day, in America. The 4th Annual Dodging Diabetes Charity Dodgeball Tournament — that’s right, pretend the ball is a jelly doughnut and STAY AWAY — is taking place this Saturday in Rockville. MORE »

Congratulations to Michael Steele, who finally beat out that actual Confederate slaveowning plantation owner to become the first African-American President of the United States! Maybe we should celebrate with something fun, like a national WAR WITH IRAN, hmm? Well, even though we were *praying* for the old white guy — a member of a whites-only country club! — to come from behind and “steele” the black person’s victory at the last minute, we are “steele” satisfied with Michael “Steele.” Let’s “steele” away to our Wonkette Time Machine and revisit a hilarious chapter in state political history: Michael “Steele’s” brief and mostly unsuccessful political career in the important state of Maryland! MORE »

Bethesda/Chevy Chase’s restaurant week begins today, HOORAY! Bethesda pretty much sucks, but they are trying. MORE »

Two of George W. Bush’s favorite lovers, Andy Card and John Bolten, held a fancy party where everybody got to pay $5 to french the outgoing president. They held the party in Maryland, of course, where the Law still allows those types of things. MORE »

Sweet lord Jesus, Gilbert Genn must love lobbying more than life. This proud lobbyist and former Maryland state delegate was leaving his house in Gaithersburg to go walk his dog and the next thing you know a terrifying deer wandered into his yard and started ramming him in the groin with its Antlers of Doom. And do you know what this valiant Democrat did? He tended to the bloody wound with a frigging BINDER CLIP so that he could go lobby the Maryland House Speaker. (After the meeting he finally dragged his bloody ass to the hospital.) MORE »