Tag Archives: maryland

  Satan probably did it

Mean GoFundMe Refuses To Raise Cash For Allegedly Murderous Baltimore Cops

Pppppplease!
Why does GoFundMe hate the wingnuts so much? It seems like every day, somebody is putting up a campaign, only to have it canceled, just because the beneficiaries of the sweet wingnut cash quote unquote “broke laws.” First you had them taking down the anti-gay Oregon cake bakers’ GoFundMe, because they were found to be in violation of Oregon civil rights laws. (The owners contend that Satan did it, of course.) Then the gay-hating flower lady, Barronelle Stutzman, had her GoFundMe taken down as well because, oops, she actually violated Washington state laws. And now, the nice Baltimore Fraternal Order Of Police (they are not nice) tried to raise some money for the cops who are charged with murdering Freddie Gray, and their campaign was gone within 41 MINUTES, because apparently raising money for accused murderers isn’t cool anymore, how is that EVEN fair? Read more on Mean GoFundMe Refuses To Raise Cash For Allegedly Murderous Baltimore Cops…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy

Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...
We got a bumper crop of idiots in the comments this week, for some reason — our fault, really, since Yr Wonkette had to go and stir up trouble by writing stuff about the poors, the blacks, the gays, and the Duggars — add your own punchline. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy…
  that's not racial transcendence

What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!

Baltimore’s citizens are as mad as hell and sick and tired of being sick and tired, and every jerkhole with a mouth has an opinion about what they really need to shut ‘em up and make ‘em stop being so mad and sick and tired and and protesting about it and getting themselves beaten up and killed by the police all the time. Read more on What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!…
  This again

Surprise, Baltimore Police Are Pretty Much Constantly Beating And Paralyzing People

The city of Baltimore is enraged this week, after the arrest and subsequent suspicious death of a young African-American man name Freddie Gray, while he was in police custody. Details are hazy at this point as to what exactly happened, but this is what we know. Baltimore cops were patrolling on bikes in an area that was “known for drug dealing,” and Gray ran away from them. By the time they caught up to Gray and arrested him, as can be seen in video footage, he was shouting that he was in pain, and a bystander yells that his leg is broken. A witness, Kevin Moore, stated that the police “folded Gray like ‘origami’,” and added that “[t]he officer had their knee in his neck. And he was just screaming — screaming for life. He couldn’t breathe. He needed an asthma pump, which he let them know … They ignored it.” Read more on Surprise, Baltimore Police Are Pretty Much Constantly Beating And Paralyzing People…
  Not This Shit Again?

Maryland Finds ‘Free Range’ Children At Park, Throws Them In Baby Jail

Except in this case, the kids are fine and the
You might remember that back in January we had a story about these nice parents — actually nice nice, not Wonkette “they seem nice” nice — in Silver Spring, Maryland, who were investigated for “neglect” for the offense of allowing their 10-year-old son and his 6-year-old sister to walk around their neighborhood unsupervised in December 2014. Some concerned busybody called Child Protective Services, and the parents, Danielle and Alexander Meitiv, got a stern warning that Maryland is apparently not friendly to “free range” kids, not even if the kids were in no actual danger other than perhaps being pooped upon by birds. At the time, the Meitivs were given a good talking-to, told they would have to agree not to let their kids roam free for the rest of that weekend, and that was supposedly that. Read more on Maryland Finds ‘Free Range’ Children At Park, Throws Them In Baby Jail…
  Who would have guessed?

States Find Cash Cow: It Is Impoverished Kids in Foster Care, Hooray!

hands off my benefits
If you are a child in foster care, things are probably not going your way. You’re not living with your parents, and a state agency is in charge of you. You’re probably very poor, and maybe you are disabled. You sure don’t look like a funding bonanza for your state, but guess what, you might be! An op-ed by University of Baltimore law professor Daniel Hatcher in the Baltimore Sun this week points out that some states, including Maryland, are using private contractors to take foster kids’ Social Security (SSI) benefits as a way to make some extra bucks. Well that is just about the worst thing we’ve ever heard. Let’s theft-splore. Read more on States Find Cash Cow: It Is Impoverished Kids in Foster Care, Hooray!…
  Like Lambs To The Delauter

Whiny Maryland Politician Kirby Delauter Orders Reporter To Keep His Name Out Her Mouth

Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter
It’s always reassuring to get a reminder that people who make laws have no freaking idea how the law actually works. Latest example: one Kirby Delauter, a member of the Frederick County Council in Maryland, who did not like seeing his name used by a local reporter that he’d had some previous beef with. Bethany Rodgers, of the Fredericks News-Post, mentioned Kirby Delauter in a piece about officials’ concerns that there wasn’t enough parking available for workers at a county building. Here is that reference, which is so brief as to almost not even count as “negligible”: “Councilman Kirby Delauter, who is also a former commissioner, has joined Shreve in concern over parking for elected officials.” The piece also mentioned that Delauter had asked another county official to make some changes in the parking arrangements. Read more on Whiny Maryland Politician Kirby Delauter Orders Reporter To Keep His Name Out Her Mouth…
  Film At Eleven

Local Fox Reporter Fired Just For Making Boring Story More Fun And Less True, Unfair!

Pic via Facebook A Fox affiliate in Baltimore fired an award-winning reporter following an artful act of interpretive truth. What’s journalism coming to when its most skilled practitioners aren’t allowed to edit a video to totally change the meaning of people’s words and make it sound like they’re condoning assassination? Read more on Local Fox Reporter Fired Just For Making Boring Story More Fun And Less True, Unfair!…
  Tinkering With The Machinery

Maryland Governor Kills Death Sentences, Ruins Fun For Execution Enthusiasts

Add your cheerful execution joke here
Maryland’s outgoing Gov. Martin O’Malley either took a commonsense action that will save the state money and months of court fights, or trampled all over the cause of justice Wednesday, when he announced that he would commute the death sentences of the four remaining prisoners on Maryland’s death row to life without the possibility of parole. O’Malley was a big supporter of move to abolish the death penalty, and after he signed the ban on executions into law in 2013, the state was left with four convicts still on death row. The commutation, one of O’Malley’s final official acts as governor, basically means that there are no leftover executions for the state to worry about. Read more on Maryland Governor Kills Death Sentences, Ruins Fun For Execution Enthusiasts…
  Onward Judeo-Christian Soldiers

Bill O’Reilly Will Fight All The Muslims In The War On Christmas

Seems it comes earlier every year
It’s that time of year again. The first snows are falling, the college kids are planning their trips home for Thanksgiving break, and the calls for impeaching the president are stretching into their sixth year. And so, it it time for the festive celebration of the War On Christmas, that annual ritual where Bill O’Reilly and all of Fox News protect the rights of Christians to scream “Merry Christmas — NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS!” in the name of the Prince of Peace. Read more on Bill O’Reilly Will Fight All The Muslims In The War On Christmas…
  Jesus Built My Interstate Commerce Clause

Theocrat And GOP Candidate Mike Peroutka Explains Jesus Is The Football For Your Rights

I think this painting is about a high school football player who's just died of head injuries
On this Election Day, Michael Peroutka — theocrat, neo-confederate, and Republican candidate for county council in Ann Arundel County in Maryland who has also flirted with the Constitution Party because CONSTITUTION — would just like to remind you of the Reason for Election Season: It’s Jesus! Read more on Theocrat And GOP Candidate Mike Peroutka Explains Jesus Is The Football For Your Rights…
  Must Be Go Scream At A Teacher Week Again

Hero Marine Dad Will Unleash Hell Itself If Daughter’s World History Class Says Muslims Are Real

There. Much better without that nonsense
In a shocking display of Political Correctness Run Amok, a high school in Maryland has banned a student’s father from campus simply because he threatened to “bring down a shit-storm” on the school unless his daughter’s World History class eliminated any mention of Islam, or at least excused her from having to learn that Islam has ever played a role in world history. Read more on Hero Marine Dad Will Unleash Hell Itself If Daughter’s World History Class Says Muslims Are Real…
  look away look away

Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”

A few months ago, we introduced you to the glory that is Michael Peroutka, a complete and utter wingnut who is now the GOP candidate for a county council seat in the delightfully named Anne Arundel County, Maryland. Michael likes long walks on the beach, cuddling, and spewing insane nonsense about how evolution is against the Constitution or is treason or something. He is also a stone cold racist, duh, so much so that he sang “Dixie” at the 2012 national conference for the League of the South. Seriously, nothing says “I am a huge racist” like singing the Confederate anthem to a secessionist hate group. Oh, and calling “Dixie” the National Anthem also too. Let’s not forget that part. Read more on Racist GOP County Council Candidate Can’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Mad At Him For Singing “Dixie”…
  not just whistling

Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days

The secret of his secession
Here’s Mike Peroutka, a great Constitutional Scholar who knows that the key to understanding our founding document is to read the Bible. He’s also a member of the neo-Confederate League of the South, an advocate of secession, and the Republican nominee for Anne Arundel County Council in Maryland. And he loves his country, although we aren’t entirely sure what country that is. You see, following a speech he gave at the 2012 League of the South national conference in Alabama, he was recorded asking the audience to stand up and sing the “National Anthem” — and then he launched into a round of “Dixie,” with the audience enthusiastically singing along: Read more on Secessionist Maryland GOP Candidate Remembers The Good Old ‘Dixie’ Days…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Responsible Gun Owners Take Aim At Traffic, Friends, Insufficient Jizz

Gotta Be Ready
Hey, well-regulated militia, how’s the responsible gun ownership going lately? If we’re doing a Gun Roundup, seems like we’re pretty much required to start with Florida, so here’s a story of a Responsible Gun Owner protecting his life from someone who threatened his rightful place on the road: On Friday, 83-year-old Mario Perez-Tano was stopped at a traffic light in downtown Miami when another driver pulled in front of his Volkswagen Beetle. Perez-Tano blocked in the other vehicle as it pulled out of a tire shop and got out of his car to confront the driver with a .38-caliber handgun, authorities said. That sounds pretty much like what the Founders had in mind! If you don’t take down those who cut you off in traffic, before you know it they’ll be quartering British troops in your living room. Read more on Responsible Gun Owners Take Aim At Traffic, Friends, Insufficient Jizz…
  raptor in the flag

American Genius Writes Real Good Vandalism Against Brown Babies

Some patriot got wind that an empty Army Reserve warehouse in Westminster, Maryland, might be used to temporarily house children from the Texas border, and so they did their best to save America. From children. Because obviously, Barack Obama is flooding the country with unaccompanied children so they can all vote Democratic. This is just logic, people. Read more on American Genius Writes Real Good Vandalism Against Brown Babies…
  we left out utah and no one will notice

Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!

Thanks to Snipy staying up late so we could post the results of the one election yesterday that everyone was following (Mississippi: the Old Guy won, the other asshole lost), we are left with tidying up the electoral crumbs from around our great nation. Of course, Chris McDaniel is still making grumpy whining noises about recounts and “the integrity of the vote” and such, so he hasn’t exactly conceded to the critter-fiddler. Or to reality. Now, on to the other primaries of note! Read more on Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!…
  he is the law

Wingnut Lawyer Decides That All Laws In Maryland Are Invalid Because That Makes Total Sense

We only started to pay attention to exciting new minor league wingnut Michael Peroutka a few months ago when he explained how evolution was against the Constitution. Little did we know that he is running (as a Republican, natch) for office in Anne Arundel County, Maryland. In fact, as of late Tuesday, he’s leading the field in the GOP primary for his county council district. We are totally backing this guy, because he has some amazing thoughts about how laws work. Peroutka has a super well-designed website over at the same sad corner of the Internet that houses Bradlee Dean, and besides being stuffed full of links to bad conspiracy theory books, it has a lengthy screed on how if Maryland passes laws that Michael Peroutka does not like, it means that Maryland no longer has laws. Did we mention that this guy is a lawyer? Did we mention that he is currently leading the GOP race for county council? Did we mention that you might consider leaving this person’s portion of Anne Arundel County should he succeed in this quest? Read more on Wingnut Lawyer Decides That All Laws In Maryland Are Invalid Because That Makes Total Sense…
  putting the fun in fundraising

Maryland Gov Martin O’Malley Reduced To Begging On The Streets For Dimes

Holy crap, 2016 fundraising is rough, especially if you are a Democrat not named Hillary Clinton. How rough? Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley spent the weekend engaging in his most aggressive push for campaign cash yet, and his office refuses to release how much he raised. What was his tactic? Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley (D), who is weighing a 2016 presidential bid, spent part of his Memorial Day doubling as a street musician in downtown Annapolis. Maybe he was just practicing in case Arsenio Hall, circa 1991, called.  Read more on Maryland Gov Martin O’Malley Reduced To Begging On The Streets For Dimes…
  what would vengeful god do?

Modern Technology For Your Vengeful God

As a Bible-believing Christian, you’re no stranger to outrage. Only now you’re outraged at yourself. It started with that excellent Arizona bill to protect Godly businesses from gay sinners. You found out about that from the Huffington Post. The Huffington Post, for the admiration of Moses! (Why were you even looking at the Huffington Post? You will remember to discuss this with your Pastor.) Then, bam! Before you could say “amen,” that nice lady Jan Brewer vetoes the thing! You could hardly believe it! That shook you, but now comes the final straw. A bill protecting people who rebel against God’s gender choices has cleared the Maryland State Senate and is full steam ahead for passage. Where did this come from, besides Satan? How are you supposed to write righteous letters and call legislative offices and yell at everyone righteously if you’re as blind as that guy in the Bible who was blind until Jesus healed him? But then! Like a push notification from God, it comes to you: TrackBill. There is probably something called TrackBill that you can use to keep on top of this stuff. So you check, and yes there is, and it’s called TrackBill! Read more on Modern Technology For Your Vengeful God…
  one joke over the line

Satire Claims Another Victim: Police Chief Cites Fake News Story As Proof That Weed Kills

Bargain-rack Onion imitator The Daily Currant found its way into testimony given to the Maryland Senate Tuesday by Annapolis Police Chief Michael Pristoop, who solemnly informed a Senate panel of the disaster that lies in wait for any state that legalizes marijuana: “The first day of legalization, that’s when Colorado experienced 37 deaths that day from overdose on marijuana,” Pristoop testified at Tuesday’s Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee hearing. “I remember the first day it was decriminalized there were 37 deaths.” Yes, and we vividly remember Neil Armstrong saying “Jesus H. Christ, Houston, We’re on the fucking Moon.” Read more on Satire Claims Another Victim: Police Chief Cites Fake News Story As Proof That Weed Kills…