Tag Archives: maryland

  Needed: A Lab-Door Retreiver

PSA: Don’t Make Meth In Federal Labs And Blow Them Up. You Might Lose Your Job.

Trixie would totally make meth. Might do already.
One more thing to add to your New Employee Handbook: Please do not cook meth in your workplace. A law enforcement officer at a federal lab has resigned after an explosion destroyed a security door in a building at the National Institute of Standards and Technology in Gaithersburg, Maryland, last Saturday. Montgomery County police believe an employee at the lab may have been attempting to manufacture methamphetamine. It is not believed that any alligators were involved in the incident, which is why we’re not quite ready to deploy the coveted gnome-vomiting-rainbows graphic. Read more on PSA: Don’t Make Meth In Federal Labs And Blow Them Up. You Might Lose Your Job….
  Political Basics: Yelling At Kids Never Helps

Maryland Girl Scouts Too Black To Have Opinions On Animal Abuse, We Guess

They look pretty dangerous. Probably sell those abortion cookies, too.
Somebody needs to let the people of Cecil County, Maryland, know how the plot of an uplifting Capraesque movie is supposed to go: An intrepid local journalist uncovers a scandalous bad thing, the Powers that Be don’t do much of anything about it, and then when little kids take up the cause, everything gets fixed, and maybe even the bad guys are so moved by the kids’ innocent idealism that they vow to turn from evil and do good things, and then a lesbian gets her wings. But that’s not what happened this time at all! Instead, Girl Scouts testifying against awful conditions at a local animal shelter were rewarded by shelter supporters yelling racial insults at the girls, which would really make a lousy ending to a movie. We’re still hoping there’s another reel to run where the plucky girls triumph after all. This story’s not as bad as that Idaho guy who non-racistly slapped a baby on a plane a couple years back, but it’s pretty damn bad. Read more on Maryland Girl Scouts Too Black To Have Opinions On Animal Abuse, We Guess…
  Sue the bastard

Will Christian DJs Go To Hell For Celebrating 60-Year-Old Gay Dudes’ Birthdays?

Jesus was a party animal.
Time for a dispatch from the ever-changing, goalposts-moving definition of the phrase “religious freedom.” All these whiny bitchy wingnuts have been protesting that they DO NOT EITHER hate the gays, but it violates their Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs™ to do things like “participate in” gay weddings, by making cakes or flowers or pizzas for them. And if you make them do that, you are literally Holocausting them, and they know Jesus will send them right to hell for it, because Jesus Is Love. So here’s a story that will show y’all what a lie that is! Read more on Will Christian DJs Go To Hell For Celebrating 60-Year-Old Gay Dudes’ Birthdays?…
  At least she didn't ask for the hot beef injection

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection

Welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly compendium of swindlers, frauds, and con artists, all of them here for YOU, dear readers, with the divine guidance to help you through all the traps and pitfalls that El Diablo can throw your way. Side effects may include lightened wallets, overdraft notices, and some nasty junk in that trunk. So tuck in, pull out your credit cards, and get ready for the best that $3.99 a minute can offer! Let’s get started. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Give Us All Your Moneys, Psychic Jesus Needs A Butt Injection…
  Pobody's nerfect!

Oops, U.S. Military Accidentally Ships Live Anthrax All Over The Place

Coulda been worse. They coulda sent Slayer.
Oh, man, were there some red faces at the Dugway Proving Ground in Utah when it was discovered that the Army lab there had accidentally sent out live samples of anthrax to labs in six states and South Korea. Fortunately, it was just red faces, without any nausea, vomiting, or coughing up blood, so let’s all count our blessings, shall we? Read more on Oops, U.S. Military Accidentally Ships Live Anthrax All Over The Place…
  Here have some news n stuff

Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples

Sorry you just broke your monitor because this picture gave you such a boner.
Don’t you hate it when you’re watching the evening news with your mom and they say “BREAKING!” and it’s a story about how a Picasso sold for $179M at Christie’s auction, so you freak out because you just know they’re going to show art nipples on teevee, and now you have a boner in front of your mom? Well, Fox 5 in New York decided to blur them out so that won’t happen: Read more on Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples…
  Maybe there IS somethin' to see here

Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up

She'd like a word with you, Baltimore
Our new (finally) Attorney General Loretta Lynch has been on the job for all of five seconds, but she’s already making it clear she will carry out Eric Holder’s secret plan to reverse-racism race war America. Lynch announced on Friday that the Department of Justice’s Civil Rights Division is opening an investigation into the Baltimore Police Department, because Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake asked her to (or maybe the secret race war thing): Read more on Justice Department Looking Into Why Baltimore Police Department Is So F*cked Up…
  Satan probably did it

Mean GoFundMe Refuses To Raise Cash For Allegedly Murderous Baltimore Cops

Pppppplease!
Why does GoFundMe hate the wingnuts so much? It seems like every day, somebody is putting up a campaign, only to have it canceled, just because the beneficiaries of the sweet wingnut cash quote unquote “broke laws.” First you had them taking down the anti-gay Oregon cake bakers’ GoFundMe, because they were found to be in violation of Oregon civil rights laws. (The owners contend that Satan did it, of course.) Then the gay-hating flower lady, Barronelle Stutzman, had her GoFundMe taken down as well because, oops, she actually violated Washington state laws. And now, the nice Baltimore Fraternal Order Of Police (they are not nice) tried to raise some money for the cops who are charged with murdering Freddie Gray, and their campaign was gone within 41 MINUTES, because apparently raising money for accused murderers isn’t cool anymore, how is that EVEN fair? Read more on Mean GoFundMe Refuses To Raise Cash For Allegedly Murderous Baltimore Cops…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy

Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...
We got a bumper crop of idiots in the comments this week, for some reason — our fault, really, since Yr Wonkette had to go and stir up trouble by writing stuff about the poors, the blacks, the gays, and the Duggars — add your own punchline. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Poverty Is A Myth Because Poors Are Fat And Lazy…
  that's not racial transcendence

What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!

Baltimore’s citizens are as mad as hell and sick and tired of being sick and tired, and every jerkhole with a mouth has an opinion about what they really need to shut ’em up and make ’em stop being so mad and sick and tired and and protesting about it and getting themselves beaten up and killed by the police all the time. Read more on What If We Cut Off Food Stamps And Starve The Poors In Baltimore? That Might Work!…
  This again

Surprise, Baltimore Police Are Pretty Much Constantly Beating And Paralyzing People

The city of Baltimore is enraged this week, after the arrest and subsequent suspicious death of a young African-American man name Freddie Gray, while he was in police custody. Details are hazy at this point as to what exactly happened, but this is what we know. Baltimore cops were patrolling on bikes in an area that was “known for drug dealing,” and Gray ran away from them. By the time they caught up to Gray and arrested him, as can be seen in video footage, he was shouting that he was in pain, and a bystander yells that his leg is broken. A witness, Kevin Moore, stated that the police “folded Gray like ‘origami’,” and added that “[t]he officer had their knee in his neck. And he was just screaming — screaming for life. He couldn’t breathe. He needed an asthma pump, which he let them know … They ignored it.” Read more on Surprise, Baltimore Police Are Pretty Much Constantly Beating And Paralyzing People…
  Not This Shit Again?

Maryland Finds ‘Free Range’ Children At Park, Throws Them In Baby Jail

Except in this case, the kids are fine and the
You might remember that back in January we had a story about these nice parents — actually nice nice, not Wonkette “they seem nice” nice — in Silver Spring, Maryland, who were investigated for “neglect” for the offense of allowing their 10-year-old son and his 6-year-old sister to walk around their neighborhood unsupervised in December 2014. Some concerned busybody called Child Protective Services, and the parents, Danielle and Alexander Meitiv, got a stern warning that Maryland is apparently not friendly to “free range” kids, not even if the kids were in no actual danger other than perhaps being pooped upon by birds. At the time, the Meitivs were given a good talking-to, told they would have to agree not to let their kids roam free for the rest of that weekend, and that was supposedly that. Read more on Maryland Finds ‘Free Range’ Children At Park, Throws Them In Baby Jail…
  Who would have guessed?

States Find Cash Cow: It Is Impoverished Kids in Foster Care, Hooray!

hands off my benefits
If you are a child in foster care, things are probably not going your way. You’re not living with your parents, and a state agency is in charge of you. You’re probably very poor, and maybe you are disabled. You sure don’t look like a funding bonanza for your state, but guess what, you might be! An op-ed by University of Baltimore law professor Daniel Hatcher in the Baltimore Sun this week points out that some states, including Maryland, are using private contractors to take foster kids’ Social Security (SSI) benefits as a way to make some extra bucks. Well that is just about the worst thing we’ve ever heard. Let’s theft-splore. Read more on States Find Cash Cow: It Is Impoverished Kids in Foster Care, Hooray!…
  Like Lambs To The Delauter

Whiny Maryland Politician Kirby Delauter Orders Reporter To Keep His Name Out Her Mouth

Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter Kirby Delauter
It’s always reassuring to get a reminder that people who make laws have no freaking idea how the law actually works. Latest example: one Kirby Delauter, a member of the Frederick County Council in Maryland, who did not like seeing his name used by a local reporter that he’d had some previous beef with. Bethany Rodgers, of the Fredericks News-Post, mentioned Kirby Delauter in a piece about officials’ concerns that there wasn’t enough parking available for workers at a county building. Here is that reference, which is so brief as to almost not even count as “negligible”: “Councilman Kirby Delauter, who is also a former commissioner, has joined Shreve in concern over parking for elected officials.” The piece also mentioned that Delauter had asked another county official to make some changes in the parking arrangements. Read more on Whiny Maryland Politician Kirby Delauter Orders Reporter To Keep His Name Out Her Mouth…
  Film At Eleven

Local Fox Reporter Fired Just For Making Boring Story More Fun And Less True, Unfair!

Pic via Facebook A Fox affiliate in Baltimore fired an award-winning reporter following an artful act of interpretive truth. What’s journalism coming to when its most skilled practitioners aren’t allowed to edit a video to totally change the meaning of people’s words and make it sound like they’re condoning assassination? Read more on Local Fox Reporter Fired Just For Making Boring Story More Fun And Less True, Unfair!…