Wonkette

Since his first choice for President didn’t work out and now spends his days angrily catfighting with James Carville on CNN, President Josiah “Martin Estevez Sheen” Bartlet has found solace in the arms of Barack Obama. But just like his old crush Bill Richardson, he is afraid that former “Real President” Bill Clinton will be mad at him — so he made his announcement overseas in England where none of the English-speaking public would let slip this shocking revelation. MORE »

Hello, people who are suddenly seeing famous-for-D.C. people everywhere in town all of a sudden! We like this, we like it very much. So this week, enjoy the voyeuristic fun of seeing James Carville, George Allen, lovebirds Dennis and Elizabeth Kucinich, Keith Olbermann, Martin Sheen and many more, after the jump. MORE »

Jed fucking Bartlet has joined fellow ex-president Matthew Santos in endorsing the failure Bill Richardson for president. Both Bartlet and Santos, of course, were presidents on teevee’s The West Wing, so it was really Martin Estevez Sheen and Jimmy Smits who did the endorsing. Sheen made his announcement Sunday, while Smits’ came several months ago. Both are impressed with Richardson’s…. experience… diplom… fat…. Oh obviously it’s because they’re all goddamn Hispanic. MORE »

This week’s Wonk’d features everyone you love to hate: Tom Delay putting giant brown things in his mouth, Anne Coulter taking some good meat, Lynne Cheney staying safe under a brand new helmet, and Rick Santorum just being the whack otis he usually is. If you’d like a lighter mood for Friday afternoon, you’ll also get Howard Dean’s charming cab habit and Martin Sheen in DC for real and not just in your heart. All these lovely tidbits, plus a sign from God that Ralph Nader should probably hang up his wagging finger of shame.

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Kids love Michael Crichton’s popular dinosaur stories, but they probably don’t know he’s a demented right-wing crank who stuffs his wooden-plotted thrillers with puerile attacks on his many, many enemies — mostly journalists who call him on his endless sociopathic bullshit.

The latest victim of Crichton’s typing-with-boxing-gloves characterization skill is New Republic writer Michael Crowley, who magically becomes a child rapist in the wonderful imagination of Michael Crichton. Details after the jump.

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New Emilio Estevez passion project/biopic Bobby was screened Friday night at the Goethe Institute. Rabid hors d’oeuvre hound Intern Nick was there to see if godless Hollywood elites could make a film that would win approval from godless Washington elites. Follow the well-worn path of ’60s coulda-shoulda-woulda-changed-the-world nostalgia, after the jump.

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It’s been a slow news week, so this morning I was all, like, OMG, do I really have to read the entire new Charles Krauthammer column in the Washington Post to eke out an item? Happily, no! All you have to do is get one line in to discover that in Krauthammerland there were no significant wars for, like, most of the 20th century:

1861. 1941. 2001. Our big wars — and the war on terrorism ranks with the big ones — have a way of starting in the first year of a decade. Supreme Courts, which historically have been loath to intervene against presidential war powers in the midst of conflict, have tended to give the president until mid-decade to do what he wishes to the Constitution in order to win the war.

Interesting opener, isn’t it? What about that war that had Loretta Swit and Alan Alda in it? I seem to remember that one got totally good ratings. And there was a later one, too, I’m pretty sure, and it had awesome guest stars like Tom Cruise and Christopher Walken and Martin Sheen. No? Pffft, Charles Krauthammer doesn’t want to hear about your girly wars. MORE »

Everyone once in a while — very rarely, mind you — we get jealous of our friends in the “real” media. MORE »

* Rush Limbaugh on Hillary Clinton: “She sounds like a screeching ex-wife.” Heh, he should know. [Media Matters] MORE »

Just because you’re famous, or famous-for-D.C., doesn’t mean you don’t need to buy stuff.

Actually, we take that back; it kinda does! Usually celebrities can have their household help or personal assistants do their shopping for them. But sometimes they buy their own stuff — and when they do, Wonk’d sightings are the hilarious result!

After the jump (click here), live vicariously through your fellow Wonkette readers, as they hit the supermarket with Bill Cosby, shop for electronics with Donna Brazile — and give Dick Cheney the finger.

(And please continue to email us with your sightings, with “Wonk’d” or “Sighting” in the subject line. Thanks!)

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* Reliable Source: Bush will divert Air Force One today to vote in the Texas primary. . . David Boies‘ wife chartered two planes to bring 50 of his best friends –including Tom Brokaw, Charlie Rose, Ted Olsen, Walter Isaacson, Tom Friedman, Ben Bradlee, Sally Quinn and Margaret Carlson– to Vegas for his surprise 65th birthday party. . . Alan Greenspan turned 80 yesterday; book advance could reach $8m. . . George Stephanopoulos gets manicures. . . Jenna Bush dined at the Capital Grille on Saturday. . . Rep. Ed Markey (D-Mass.) attended the Oscars. . . Martin Sheen seen praying at St. Stephen’s Church. [WP]
* Under the Dome: Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.) has cast 17,532 roll-call votes. [The Hill]
* Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Katie Holmes‘ character in “Thank You for Smoking” was inspired by Maureen Dowd. [NYDN]