Thank you for “dying,” Ted Kennedy, because now Barack Obama will have to end his vacation, and America’s vacation, a couple of days short, to attend your funeral on Saturday. In fact Barack and Michelle Obama will leave “the Vineyard” tomorrow night instead of the already early Saturday morning departure, to avoid expected bad weather. Popular “scoop factory” the New York Times, however, reveals that the Obamas also intend to sacrifice their children to the Gods! MORE »

Have you ever had a holiday vacation on Martha’s Vineyard? So boring! Once you get over the “Ah and there’s where Ted Kennedy crashed his car and drowned that lady” historical thing — sorry, Denby! — you realize it’s just a place full of crappy tourist shops and terrible humid boiling weather and a bunch of ugly gated beach mansions surrounded by swamps, bogs and discarded “lobster rolls.” How to jazz it up? Barack Obama decided to go on the teevee to announce what everybody already knew he was doing: giving Ben Bernanke another term. MORE »

Because there is no news this August except for the news about the moral and physical decline of America due to Death Panel rationing, an increasingly bored press corps turns to the Obama family for succor. “Enh, there’s this bit about Michelle and her shorts,” they say to each other, and that’s good for a day or two. But what shall they do next week? MORE »

The festering hot death-waters of the tropical south Atlantic Ocean are trying, as is their annual ritual, to kill the humans with their hurricanes. And this one, Hurricane Bill, is a real heifer. Category 4! According to this important Weather.com projected path, Bill will strike the coast of Massachusetts sometime this Sunday. And according to the much less important Politico, Obama is expected to start his family vacation in Martha’s Vineyard — ALLEGEDLY OFF THE COAST OF MASSACHUSETTS — on “August 23,” which a few back-of-the-envelope calculations reveal to be the same thing as “this Sunday.” Why is racist Hurricane Bill planning to kill Barack Obama? Is this a money/ransom thing? [Weather.com, Glenn Thrush]

• Rush & Molloy: Diane Sawyer most demanding VIP in Martha’s Vineyard. Bill and Hillary Clinton appear everywhere at once. Newt Gingrich pitches Hillary-esque sit-com. [NYDN]
• Lloyd Grove’s Lowdown: Hillary Clinton and Gail Sheehy catfight looms (first item). [NYDN]
• Cindy Adams: Some guy from Wyoming trashes Ann Coulter (first item). [NYP]
• The Reliable Source: Ken Mehlman wants to share Bush’s b-day presents with all Republicans (second item). Karl Rove stares at the walls (third item). [WP]
• Liz Smith: President Bush a member of the “60 in ‘06″ club. Other members include Diane Sawyer, Liza Minnelli, and Cher. [NYP]