Tag Archives: mars

  Ground Control To Major Ted

Hero Ted Cruz Will Save Us All From NASA Studying Our Climate

JPL'S Orbiting Carbon Observatory 2
Ted Cruz is pretty darn annoyed with NASA these days, seeing as how it’s just been wasting a lot of taxpayer money studying the climate and foolishness like that. For heaven’s sake, everyone knows that NASA is supposed to be about space, and there is no climate in space. And that’s why he was ready to give a good talking-to to NASA Administrator Charles Bolden about all these stupid satellites that NASA has looking down at boring old Earth and its atmosphere and oceans, instead of looking out at other, more interesting things that are far away. So Cruz, who chairs the subcommittee that oversees NASA, kicked off a hearing last Thursday by asking Bolden just why NASA is ignoring its key mission of doing science to things that won’t cause problems for the fossil fuel industry. Read more on Hero Ted Cruz Will Save Us All From NASA Studying Our Climate…
  Here have some news n stuff

Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist

But it says so in the Bible!
Best newspaper correction ever or BEST EVER?Here’s the original letter. It’s quite something: Who and what is Barack Obama? Obama claims nobody can stop him or change anything he’s done. This evil must come to pass before the Lord’s return and the rise of the Antichrist, but you better know what evil you’re dealing with. Nobody is promised another minute of life upon this earth, and judgment comes at the time of your death. Read more on Correction: Barack Obama Is Not In Fact The Antichrist…
  Here have some news n stuff

Rick Santorum: I’m Not Crazy, THEY’RE The Crazy Ones

Oh, Rick “Don’t Google Me, seriously, stop it, it’s not funny anymore!” Santorum, how we love thee. Santorum has the unique gift of standing out as one of the craziest Bible-humping crazies in a crowded field of serious contender crazies. Like, no matter how far to the right his fellow conservatives go, he goes even farther than that. He will throw up at the thought of John F. Kennedy. He will make his children hug the dead fetus. He will wish his Jew friends a Happy Jesus Christmas Chanukah for Jesus. He will go there and do that and then some. But, hey, when it comes to the presidential race in 2016, he wants you to know, he’s the serious one, unlike those other nuts. Seriously! Read more on Rick Santorum: I’m Not Crazy, THEY’RE The Crazy Ones…
  Here have some news n stuff

House GOP Knows DC Voters Didn’t Mean to Legalize Weed

Not so fast, man
We all know how important it is to Republicans that the will of The People is never, ever overturned by some arbitrary branch of the eeeeevil Big Government. Like, say, when The People vote to ban rights for The Gay? Yeah, the government should stay the hell out of that. However, when the people vote to legalize marijuana, well, that’s a whole nother thing entirely, and it is obviously obvious that voters are idiots who need the government to step in and fix that for them: Read more on House GOP Knows DC Voters Didn’t Mean to Legalize Weed…
  Here have some news n stuff

Starbucks To Be Even More Triple Grande Nasty-atto Now

Exactly
Image by Stuart Caie via Flickr As if Starbucks hasn’t already turned “coffee” — that beverage you pour into a mug in the morning, maybe add milk, maybe add sugar — into a joke so bad it hurts our feelings, now there’s a new not-coffee “coffee” drink on the way, for those of you who would mainline your sugar fix but are afraid of needles, we guess. It’s called the Dark Barrel Latte, and it sounds disgusting, and shame on all of you, you crazy kids with your crazy “coffee”: Read more on Starbucks To Be Even More Triple Grande Nasty-atto Now…
  all-time champions

Kentucky, Land Of Bipartisan Derp, Scales New Heights Of Stupid About Climate Change

Let no one say that Kentucky’s lawmakers will not engage in the most heroic levels of dumb when it comes to climate change denialism. If there were an Olympics in derp, the Kentucky Lege would win gold in every possible event. They would be the Michael Phelps of dumb. Witness the recent meeting of their Natural Resources and Environment Committee, which featured criminal levels of dumb about dinosaurs, coal, and the temperature on Mars. Read more on Kentucky, Land Of Bipartisan Derp, Scales New Heights Of Stupid About Climate Change…
  message in a bottle

Cosmos Recap: Live Forever Or Die Trying

For this week’s episode of Cosmos, “The Immortals,” Neil deGrasse Tyson has got us thinkin’ about bout eternity — or at least the transmission of messages through time and space. (It’s a nice tie-in to last week’s episode, which closed with all that communications tech bringing the world together.) The episode begins with an animation of ancient Uruk — Iraq — and the Akkadian priestess Enheduanna, the first person known to have signed her name to a piece of writing (Rand Paul probably plagiarized from her, too). We also get a capsule description of the Epic of Gilgamesh and his quest for immortality, including a retelling of the Flood story told to Gilgamesh by the wise Utnapishtim, an Ark story that predates the Genesis account by a millennium. We can look forward to an Answers in Genesis rebuttal that Tyson has it backwards: Gilgamesh, though merely a fable, confirms the reality of the Genesis flood. Tyson’s point, of course, is that narratives are just one form of immortality, “a story sent from one civilization to another across thousands of years.” Read more on Cosmos Recap: Live Forever Or Die Trying…
  creature features

Kiss Your Precious ‘Experiments’ And ‘Research’ Goodbye, Eggheads: A Government Shutdown Edition Of Your Sci-Blog

Hi, Wonkeratti. It’s time once again for another infuriating Wonkette Sci-Blog. Sharpen your pitchforks, grab a torch and come on in. The very first Wonkette hotline tip I got on Monday was a forwarded link.  Just from reading the text in the link (Cassini found plastics! It has to be Titan, right? Cool!), it looked really interesting: http://www.nasa.gov/press/2013/september/nasas-cassini-spacecraft-finds-ingredient-of-household-plastic-in-space/#.Ukodzq68uRk What I saw when I clicked on it was what you’re looking at right now: a redirect from the NASA site to the Federal Government of the United States of America’s “Sorry, We’re Closed” sign. “Oh, dammit — well, here we go again” I thought. Read more on Kiss Your Precious ‘Experiments’ And ‘Research’ Goodbye, Eggheads: A Government Shutdown Edition Of Your Sci-Blog…
  creature features

Cosmic Fireballs, Water On Mars, And Why House Republicans Are Like Stoned Kids, All In This Week’s Sci-Blog

Hey there, Wonketeers! It’s time once again for another appalling Wonkette Sci-Blog. Fire one up and come on in. Sometimes it’s just not a good idea to let the Stoned Kid drive. Many years ago a group of us were driving around wearing various aspects of an Illegal Smile (as was the fashion of the time). The Stoned Kid who had been driving pulled up to the red stoplight at an intersection fairly competently and waited. So far, so good. Then, the left turn lane arrow switched to green. Stoned Kid sees the green arrow and floors the big American sedan straight through the intersection, grinning and blissfully ignorant of the enraged panel van driver he cut off. “Uh, Jesus! You just blew through a red light, Stoned Kid!” “What? No! The light was green!” “No, dammit! That was a turn lane! Your light was red!” “No! The light was green! GREEN MEANS GO!” “No, the arrow was green! Your light was red!” “Bite me! It was GREEN! GREEN MEANS GO!” Needless to say, Stoned Kid was forcibly replaced by a more able driver soon after and we all made it safely through that night. Sometimes you have to recognize who’s able to cope with reality and who isn’t. Read more on Cosmic Fireballs, Water On Mars, And Why House Republicans Are Like Stoned Kids, All In This Week’s Sci-Blog…
  A Wingnut Of Mars

Spite-Generated Harpy Michelle Malkin Has Thoughts On NASA, Science, Forced Abortions Probably

Nerds everywhere are celebrating last night’s successful landing of NASA’s “Curiosity” rover, breathing a sigh of relief, glorying in the awesome technological achievement, and giddily anticipating that some JPL engineers will almost certainly get laid. But hold on just a damn minute, here: rage-based nonsequitur generator Michelle Malkin would just like to remind all you liberals that you are not allowed to be happy about this. For one thing, she’ll have you know that Barack Obama, the wildly free-spending socialist who just can’t stop spending taxpayers’ dollars on everything, actually proposed a $300 million cut to NASA’s budget, probably so he could spend it on abortions for hippies on welfare. It was so horrible that planetary scientists were drivent to holding bake sales to raise money. For another thing, something-something-something HYPOCRISY!!! Read more on Spite-Generated Harpy Michelle Malkin Has Thoughts On NASA, Science, Forced Abortions Probably…
  rumors on the internets

Maybe Dan Brown Had A Point

Today, we find out how many gay people there are while the Vatican works miracles in book selling (not that book!), and a new sport everyone can do but a new reality show almost no can join. Hmmm…. Read more on Maybe Dan Brown Had A Point…
 

Some Guys: Obama Teleported to Mars With Us

The latest ploy to draw skepticism (or bizarre, unwanted fandom) to our $99 Million Dollar Man, President Obama, is to suggest that he teleported to Mars during a top-secret CIA mission to explore the planet in the 1980s. According to two guys named Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings, Obama, then known as one “Barry Soetoro,” joined them and seven other young Americans, including the current director of DARPA, in a project that involved teleporting to the Red Planet through a so-called “jump room.” The claim is apparently serious enough that the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman. Read more on Some Guys: Obama Teleported to Mars With Us…
  martian chronicles

Who Wants To Retire On Mars?

There’s some very interesting stuff going around this week, all about establishing permanent colonies on Mars — and to infinity, and beyond! — using the novel method of “one way missions.” The technology exists today, and the smart people behind companies such as Google are starting to say, “Okay, how much?” Read more on Who Wants To Retire On Mars?…
  sip champagne spit out insanity

Rachel Brown Is Your ELITIST Crazy Congressional Candidate

Are you sick of the humdrum of the usual crazy candidates you’ve seen this summer on your Wonkette? Are they too poor for you? Are they too populist? Are they too unwilling to give campaign speeches immediately following a classical piano recital? Meet Rachel Brown, running against Barney Frank for Congress in Massachusetts’ 14th District. She’s a LaRouchite, which means she thinks Obama is being controlled by the British and must immediately be impeached. So what does a high-society crazy political campaign look like? Read more on Rachel Brown Is Your ELITIST Crazy Congressional Candidate…
  budgetary constraints... in space!

It’s Like Barack Obama Doesn’t Even Think Mars Is That Awesome

Back in spring, Obama set up a special advisory science panel of scientists to find out exactly how cool it would be for NASA to send astronauts into space, like to Mars maybe. The panel’s findings indicate that this would be “pretty fucking cool,” or “quite brilliant, really” in metric units. Fantastiche! NASA will now be needing $3 billion a year on top of the $18 billion a year it already gets so it can send a guy or a clever monkey with a touching and uncanny capacity for human emotion to Mars. Read more on It’s Like Barack Obama Doesn’t Even Think Mars Is That Awesome…
  what a fun week!

Peggy Noonan Disenchanted With Current State Of Political Affairs!

America’s Princess of Light, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, has adopted a somber tone for today’s edition of “Declarations.” While sipping on a petite tumbler of butterscotch liqueur and eating pasty crumpets, Noonan writes about how the financial crisis has shown how terribly inept either candidate would be at fixing America’s problems, because neither of them is Zeus or Jesus — basically, how can we expect anything from a president who lacks even a modicum of magical powers, such as mind control or laser-gun eyes? It’s one of those Peggington Noonington columns we love: you disagree with so many obnoxious points along the way, but she manages to end on a few staggering notes that kill you, headlong, right into the weekend. Read more on Peggy Noonan Disenchanted With Current State Of Political Affairs!…
 

Osama Bin Laden Found, On Mars!

Taking a much-needed break from breaking things, hiring diaper-clad psychopaths and blowing up spaceships, NASA has released a shocking photograph of a man on Mars that some lunatics believe could be “Bigfoot,” the Earth monster. But others in England think the Martian is Osama bin Laden! [Fox News, The Sun] Read more on Osama Bin Laden Found, On Mars!…
 

DUNE BUGGIES: TOTALLY SWEET

Remember when Bush really wanted a manned mission to Mars, and no one really knew why? We think we’ve finally figured it out. He thought it would pretty much be like this. Read more on DUNE BUGGIES: TOTALLY SWEET…