As you listen to this HORRIFYING thriller soundtrack playing in Invesco Field while Obama walks off, here’s something cool that happened before the Secret Service apprehended us: a proposal, immediately in front. As soon as the would-be groom got on his knee, Al Gore walked on stage, and it almost seemed like the crowd’s eruption was responding to this Hope Couple. Maybe it was. She said yes, and we obnoxiously took a photo.

Meet local Democratic leader Joy Johnson, of Durham, N.C. — she’s (allegedly) a crazy Satanist! Johnson and her younger husband, Joseph Craig, have been charged with a variety of rape and torture and kidnapping crimes, all because of “a satanic ritual that got out of hand.” MORE »

California’s Supreme Court just overturned the “gay marriage isn’t legal” thing, and that means the gayest state in America is about to become even more gay, as California will become the second state where homosexuals can get married, to each other. (The other state is Texas.) [MSNBC]

Bill Clinton’s latest Little Rock bastard baby can no longer marry Mike Huckabee’s latest Jesus baby in Arkansas, saving the world for now, but ruining Democracy in the future. On Wednesday, Arkansas Gov. Mike Beebe signed a measure repealing “a law that mistakenly allowed anyone — even toddlers — to marry with parental permission.” MORE »

Setting aside his inconvenient wife, it’s clear that Barack Obama is America’s coolest bachelor president since James Buchanan. So what’s the best way for his billions of global admirers to charm their way into his fantastically pleated pants? MORE »

Bill Clinton was just doing his normal snarling elect Hillary or die speech in South Carolina yesterday when an adorable 5-year-old child asked the famous adulterer about holy matrimony. MORE »

I’m sure it seemed like a good — or at least sexy — idea at the time, but eight Florida prison officers found out yesterday that, um, staging a lesbo marriage for two of the prisoners? Maybe not such a good idea! MORE »

This week’s People has the (invented and sanitized) details of Mr. Henry Hager’s forced proposal to his bride-to-be Jenna Bush. It happened, supposedly, at Acadia National Park (as Laura revealed last month), on top of Cadillac Mountain. Hank, who had awoken his (probably hungover) ladyfriend before the sun even rose, “suggested stopping for an energy bar” (sick, just sick). And then, knowing that he had her drowsy and distracted from lack of sleep and high altitude, he popped the question as cursed dawn began to break. Jenna has been allowed to reveal some small part of her disgust with the whole affair: “‘I acted the complete opposite of how I thought I would: I was quiet. He said, ‘Are you exited?’ I was like, ‘I don’t know!’” She realized, of course, that she had little choice in the matter, and presumably acquiesced soon thereafter. We begin to sympathize with this poor little rich girl, who wanted nothing more than to live the happy life of drug-fueled privilege that so many of her contemporaries had, without the burden of eventually being enlisted in the Bush family’s ongoing effort to control the Earth. People gives more tragic details of her tragic young life: MORE »

Connie Mack and Mary Bono are getting married! We… almost care?? They’re kinda hot for congress people! And once you’ve written that sentence you know your life cannot get any more depressing. [Scripps]

Good news wealthy status-seeking bachelors of Washington: Juleanna Glover Weiss is on the market. The lobbyist/consultant/hostess/spokeswoman is divorcing Jeffrey Weiss, her husband of 10 years, according to yesterday’s Reliable Source. The couple are known for their pretty awesome-for-Washington parties at their Kalorama home, which Juleanna started occasionally inviting us to after we made fun of her boss, John Ashcroft. MORE »

Congratulations to Andrew Sullivan, who’s set a date to wed his long-time partner Aaron Tone. While the New York Observer doesn’t actually know Mr. Tone’s name (it was written as Eric and subsequently corrected), Diner-frequenting Washingtonians have come to know the amiable, large-necked pundit’s partner well over the two years they’ve been living together. MORE »