Tag Archives: mark sanford

  OMG! FFS! STFU!

Shut the F**k Up, Luke Russert (And Chuck Todd Too)

So according to the World Of Cable Chatter, Alison Lundergan Grimes has completely destroyed her chances of being elected to the U.S. Senate because she didn’t answer the Louisville Courier-Journal editorial board’s question about whether she voted for Barry Bamz in 208 and 2012. Grimes has been so eager to distance herself from the president that she went on for entirely too long about how the election isn’t about Obama and proclaimed herself a big fan of Hillary Clinton instead. As WaPo notes, she could just as well have said: Read more on Shut the F**k Up, Luke Russert (And Chuck Todd Too)…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’

Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...
We have been down to sump out the comments queue, and man, what a mess. We have quite the assortment, and let’s get right to it with this brief note from “Vfunct,” who was not impressed with our headline about the poor schlub who got fired after he told the story of the Great Palin Bumfight of 2014. That wasn’t really all that hard to follow, we thought: “Palins Scalp Witness To Their Epic Snowbilly Battle As First Sort Of Reported By Your Wonkette.” You guys got that, right? Well, Vfunct was Most Displeased: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’…
  Cry for me Argentina ... and everyone else

Mark Sanford So Sorry To Have Created All This Drama All By Himself

thinking ... thinking ... thinking ...
In case you missed it, which is impossible because no one missed it, Rep. Mark Sanford (R-Tragicville) felt compelled on Friday to share all of his personal turmoil on his Facebook page. All 2000-plus words of it, which we conveniently summarized for you, you’re welcome. Read more on Mark Sanford So Sorry To Have Created All This Drama All By Himself…
  the plane! the plane!

Dead Children And A Deadbeat Dad: Mark Sanford’s Sad, Sleazy Divorce Hearing Transcript (EXCLUSIVE, FOR REAL)

Nice
For real Wonkette exclusive must credit Wonket: In a post-divorce family court hearing transcript obtained by Wonkette, we learn even more sordid details about South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford and his divorce from ex-wife Jenny, including: Read more on Dead Children And A Deadbeat Dad: Mark Sanford’s Sad, Sleazy Divorce Hearing Transcript (EXCLUSIVE, FOR REAL)…
  maybe he "fired on fort sumter" if you know what we mean

Lovelorn Hiking Enthusiast Mark Sanford Can’t Believe His Ex-Wife Thinks He’s A Crazy Alcoholic

We don’t believe in an actual hell here at Wonkette, because nothing the Dark Lord Satan, Ruler of the Underworld, could dream up for our eternal torment can top the trauma in our life aboveground when we occasionally fire up the Internet, scan the news, and get cock-slapped in the face with a new story about sad lust goblin Mark Sanford and the ever-ongoing saga of his marital woes. Read more on Lovelorn Hiking Enthusiast Mark Sanford Can’t Believe His Ex-Wife Thinks He’s A Crazy Alcoholic…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!

Is it just us, or has it been a long time since we had a really revolting sex scandal? What was the last one, Bob Filner? That was a “good” one. We are trying to remember before that but Big Dave Petraeus, Mark “Soul Mate” Sanford, and Mr. Wide Stance Bromance Larry Craig are all mashed together in the men’s room of our memory. Maybe those weren’t all revolting, but a lot of words were writ upon the subject of their humpings, so many that we got bored, even of the Petraeus one which was fairly actually sexy. (Mark Sanford actually got himself elected to Congress not too long ago, remember that? Cripes.) Oh yeah, Anthony Weiner, almost forgot! So, so blissfully close to forgetting… So anyway, we figured — rather than wait for the next spectacular lapse of self-control, let’s just make up our own! We have written a story like one you might read on a real news place. After the jump, you can Fill In The Blanks of our story to create your very own juvenile political sex scandal, probably with the word “penis” in every sentence. Penis is not even a verb, guys, come on. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!…
  same senate different day

Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism

Cory Booker, welcome to the Senate. On a day better known for scary costumes, you are one good-looking piece of eye-candy that we are very excited to see more of! And you were sworn in by the only man in the Senate we would like to bone more harder, Old Handsome Joe Biden, playing his oft-overlooked role of President of the Senate. What kind of treats does the Senate have in store for you today? Well, less than an hour after being sworn in, you got to cast your first votes. But your recent victory streak came to a screeching halt, per WaPo: Senate Republicans on Thursday blocked a vote on the nomination of Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) to lead the Federal Housing Finance Agency.  The Senate voted 56-42 to proceed to a vote on Watt’s nomination — shy of the 60 votes required to end debate. Welcome to the Senate, Cory, where a ‘majority’ of 42 Senators get to hold up the people’s business. Democracy is a strange thing, sometimes. Read more on Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism…
  cheaters sometimes prosper

Mark Sanford Briefly Relevant Again For Last Time In His Life

What would you think of Mark Sanford if we told you he was a philandering simpleton with the impulse control of an autistic starfish? If you are more than half of voters in yesterday’s South Carolina 1st Congressional District special election, the bidding starts at “He ain’t the ‘bortion lady, right?” Mr. Sanford has defeated self-described “businesswoman” and fruit of the womb of a tv man’s mom Elizabeth Colbert Busch to regain the federally provided health insurance he had previously held for three terms from 1995 to 2001, before everyone knew and didn’t care that he’s just awful. Read more on Mark Sanford Briefly Relevant Again For Last Time In His Life…
  Hiking the Appalachian Fail

Jenny Sanford’s 2010 Book Suggests Mark Sanford Maybe A Bit Of A Dick

There’s this exciting special election happening in South Carolina today between a comedian’s sister and a hiking aficionado. This being South Carolina, the slime machine has been running at high RPMs, with nasty push polls making anonymous slurs against Elizabeth Colbert-Busch, and over the weekend, the Stupidest Man on the Internet ran — twice — a mug shot from her arrest on contempt of court in a messy 1988 divorce (nobody on the internet has any details). Say, you know who else was involved in a messy divorce, and a bit more recently than 1988? Buzzfeed’s Andrew Kaczynski found a few passages from Jenny Sanford’s 2010 memoir Staying True, which help give a picture of what fun life with Mark Sanford could be. We are not sure what our favorite was, the used $25 bike birthday/Christmas gift, or the part where he couldn’t remember her birthday — September 11 — until something came along in 2001 that helped cement the date in his mind. Read more on Jenny Sanford’s 2010 Book Suggests Mark Sanford Maybe A Bit Of A Dick…
  Keep It Klassy South Karolina

Is Elizabeth Colbert Busch A Deadbeat ‘Bortion-Having Crime-Doer? We Are Just Asking

Oh, South Carolina, you are so very special, the way you keep the Confederate flag handy because the South is sooooo gonna rise again, y’all, and the way you voted for Newt Gingrich to be your Republican presidential nominee, and the way you just looooooooooove to believe the most shocking of rumors when some mysterious stranger calls you on the phone and asks hypothetical questions like, say, “Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for John McCain for president if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child?” But you, South Carolina, are way too so S-M-R-T to fall for those kinds of dirty tricks ever again, like you did in 2000 (the one and only time in history that it was not excellent news for John McCain)? Like, say, if you were getting mysterious phone calls — what the professionals call “push polls” — asking hypothetical (and by hypothetical, we mean utter horseshit) questions about Democrat Elizabeth Colbert Busch right before next Tuesday’s special election, you definitely would not fall for that, right? Read more on Is Elizabeth Colbert Busch A Deadbeat ‘Bortion-Having Crime-Doer? We Are Just Asking…
  looks like we picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue

Mark Sanford Not Allowed To Fly Airplanes At His Children Anymore

When Mark Sanford — the disgraced former governor of South Carolina, wannabe-but-not-gonna-be congressman from the state’s 1st Congressional District, and the world’s most enthusiastic trail-hiker EVER — isn’t losing a debate to a cardboard cut-out of Nancy Pelosi, or losing a debate to his actual opponent Elizabeth Colbert Busch, or violating the terms of his divorce, he’s trying to avoid flying airplanes at his children. Wait, what?!?!? Read more on Mark Sanford Not Allowed To Fly Airplanes At His Children Anymore…
  a fine whine

Biggest Victim of Last Week Was Mark Sanford, Says Mark Sanford

Sad sex monster Mark Sanford took out a full-page ad in the Charleston Post & Courier on Sunday just to tell America: Mark Sanford knows that “it’s been a rough week.” It was a confusing time, these past days, and how about this media coverage last week, right? “The media does all of us a disservice in throwing these things to the front page as this paper did, before all the facts are known,” Sanford opines. Too true, too true. Accordingly, Mark Sanford would like a minute of your time to discuss how Mark Sanford is doing in the wake of these vicious attacks. Curiously, however, at no point is Mark Sanford ever talking about the Boston Marathon bombings. Read more on Biggest Victim of Last Week Was Mark Sanford, Says Mark Sanford…
  he came in through the bathroom window

Mark Sanford Just Can’t Stop Doing Stupid Things In Public, Trespassing Edition

Oh, Mark Sanford, your personal life is really an unending delight. There was the disappearance mid-governorship, which gave us a delightful euphemism for sexytime that we can use now and forever more. There was the divorce. There was the soulmate. There were the emails of wooing that we hope never to read again.  There was the weird return to the spotlight where he showed up and mashed face with his ex-wife. There was the thoughtful, talked-to-Jesus-about-it decision to run for Congress. And now, glory be, there is the trespassing: Read more on Mark Sanford Just Can’t Stop Doing Stupid Things In Public, Trespassing Edition…
  appalachian trail of tears

Disgraced Republican Horndog Mark Sanford Wins Thing

A few years ago Mark Sanford was enjoying his time in the national spotlight as one of those Republicans whose “nice” demeanor appealed to dull Politico reporters, and whose constant desire to kick the poors in the balls gave David Brooks tingly feelings in his swimsuit region. However within months of having his name being seriously considered as a possible 2012 Presidential Candidate, Sanford publicly committed career seppuku by admitting to an extra-marital affair in the weepiest and most melodramatic press conference in history. Surprisingly, a party that is effectively controlled by a small army of creepy televangelists can still feel a vestigial sense of shame, and thus Sanford was effectively toast… Or so it seemed until this year, when Jim Demint left the Senate to become the Grand Imperial Wizard of the Heritage Foundation and was replaced temporarily by Congressman Tim Scott, leaving South Carolina District 1 open. Sanford used to be the Representative of this district back when he was a dick swinging foot soldier of the Moral Majority instead of the droopy hound dog who couldn’t stop shitting on the carpet. This opportunity to re-ignite with an old flame without resorting to awful poetry has compelled Sanford back into politics, and it seems that Republicans across the state (and the country) are reacting to the news with about the same enthusiasm as someone being told “yeah it’s probably benign.” Read more on Disgraced Republican Horndog Mark Sanford Wins Thing…
  like a tracy/hepburn movie come to life

Mark Sanford To Admit Affair With 2014 Election

Remember Mark Sanford? He ran off with a lady friend while Governor of South Carolina and thereby graciously gave the world the phrase “hiking the Appalachian trail” as a euphemism for illicit sexytime. (If you are a person of a younger persuasion and do not remember this, just think of him like Anthony Weiner, but without Twitter.) After some Boehner-level public crying about the whole thing, he resigned and we forgot all about him and figured his career was over and he was off having exotic sex with his Argentinian lady-person. But, like the proverbial bad penny, he’s back: Read more on Mark Sanford To Admit Affair With 2014 Election…
  speed walking the yucatan peninsula

Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips

Lady Governess Janice Brewer of Arizona has left her state on “official business.” Well, let’s be fair: Grand Dame Brewer has left her state for completely unexplained reasons, during which she failed to certify election results, and will be back Saturday, so shut up. Gov. Jan Brewer has taken a nearly week-long out-of-state work trip that was shrouded in secrecy Monday as she skipped an event to certify election ballots and her spokesman refused to disclose her location. Brewer spokesman Matthew Benson said in a brief email to The Associated Press that Brewer was unavailable to participate in the general election canvass Monday morning because she was out of the state on official business. “That is all I can disclose at this time,” Benson added. Now, you might be reminded of South Carolina Republican lothario Gov. Mark Sanford, who cold boned an Argentinian lady for a while, but pretended he was “hiking the Appalachian Trail” instead when he wanted to leave South Carolina for a while to go have rich sex with her.  Is Jan Brewer going on a sex binge the likes of which Arizona has never seen before?  Read more on Jan Brewer Is Your New Mark Sanford Of Unexplained Weird (Sex?) Trips…
  your saturday nice time post!

Mazel Tov And L’Chaim To That SC Governor Who Ran Off To Argentina And His New Mistress Betrothed!

Oh happy day! We awake to the joyous tidings that former governor Mark Sanford (R-Appalachian Trail) and his lady love, that chick he was flying off to South America to bang, have sealed their passions with an engagement! It’s like a fairy tale, you guys! The [Argentine] paper [Clarin] said Sanford arrived early at the restaurant and gave “a bag with the (engagement) ring to one of the waiters,” asking him to “to invent a good story for his girlfriend.” Sanford then hid in a bathroom. So now Mark Sanford is a bathroom goblin as well? This is excellent news for Larry Craig! Read more on Mazel Tov And L’Chaim To That SC Governor Who Ran Off To Argentina And His New Mistress Betrothed!…
  rumors on the internets

Michelle Obama Cramps America’s Style With Her ‘Sharia-Couture’

Michelle Antoinette’s fashion atrocities continue to destroy lives overseas, but worry not, the fashion police are hot on her Allah-chic heels. [Michelle Obama’s Mirror] Give the gift of jar-fetus to all the loved ones this Christmas with a Planned Parenthood buy-one get-one-free abortion coupon. [Now Public] Read more on Michelle Obama Cramps America’s Style With Her ‘Sharia-Couture’…
  senioritis

Man-Whore Mark Sanford Takes Obama’s Dirty Money, Like A Prostitute

March of 2009 was so very long ago that when you click this link you will be surprised that everyone in the story isn’t wearing chain mail and calling each other “thee” and “thou,” but back then South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was a guy with a future in politics, and if there’s one thing guys with futures in politics do, it’s go in for dumb grandstanding stunts that score points with ideologues but do real, actual damage to the people who elected them. That’s why 2012 sleeper political candidate Mark Sanford bravely told Chairman Obama that he didn’t want to use the money allocated to his state by the stimulus package to “stimulate” the economy in the intended Keynesian (Kenyan?) fashion, but rather to pay off this guy he owed money to. What happened to that strong, principled conservative of yore, anyway? Read more on Man-Whore Mark Sanford Takes Obama’s Dirty Money, Like A Prostitute…