Tag Archives: mark sanford

  Drink their tears

Oh No, Josh Duggar’s Cheatin’ Penis Makes The Family Values Crowd Look Bad!

Maybe this is happening because Jesus hates you.
Maybe this is happening because Jesus hates you. Oh no, Josh Duggar has strayed from his Christian marriage by getting on the internet to find strange hoo-ha to dip his Duggar Stick into, and the Family Research Council, AKA the Southern Poverty Law Center-designated “family values” hate group where Duggar used to work before the world found out about how he did Bible Diddles to his sisters, is SO VERY DISAPPOINTED. Because culture warriors, you see, are sinless (mostly) men, who have never been caught doing the very same things they preach against and demonize, no not ever, no way, that’s just your imagination. These are Jesus’s personal BFFs! Read more on Oh No, Josh Duggar’s Cheatin’ Penis Makes The Family Values Crowd Look Bad!…
  OMG! FFS! STFU!

Shut the F**k Up, Luke Russert (And Chuck Todd Too)

So according to the World Of Cable Chatter, Alison Lundergan Grimes has completely destroyed her chances of being elected to the U.S. Senate because she didn’t answer the Louisville Courier-Journal editorial board’s question about whether she voted for Barry Bamz in 208 and 2012. Grimes has been so eager to distance herself from the president that she went on for entirely too long about how the election isn’t about Obama and proclaimed herself a big fan of Hillary Clinton instead. As WaPo notes, she could just as well have said: Read more on Shut the F**k Up, Luke Russert (And Chuck Todd Too)…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’

Dear Editor: I have had it up to here with playing second fiddle to a bunch of stupid marshmallow horses...
We have been down to sump out the comments queue, and man, what a mess. We have quite the assortment, and let’s get right to it with this brief note from “Vfunct,” who was not impressed with our headline about the poor schlub who got fired after he told the story of the Great Palin Bumfight of 2014. That wasn’t really all that hard to follow, we thought: “Palins Scalp Witness To Their Epic Snowbilly Battle As First Sort Of Reported By Your Wonkette.” You guys got that, right? Well, Vfunct was Most Displeased: Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Stop Using Nerd Words Like ‘Wonkette’…
  Cry for me Argentina ... and everyone else

Mark Sanford So Sorry To Have Created All This Drama All By Himself

thinking ... thinking ... thinking ...
In case you missed it, which is impossible because no one missed it, Rep. Mark Sanford (R-Tragicville) felt compelled on Friday to share all of his personal turmoil on his Facebook page. All 2000-plus words of it, which we conveniently summarized for you, you’re welcome. Read more on Mark Sanford So Sorry To Have Created All This Drama All By Himself…
  the plane! the plane!

Dead Children And A Deadbeat Dad: Mark Sanford’s Sad, Sleazy Divorce Hearing Transcript (EXCLUSIVE, FOR REAL)

Nice
For real Wonkette exclusive must credit Wonket: In a post-divorce family court hearing transcript obtained by Wonkette, we learn even more sordid details about South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford and his divorce from ex-wife Jenny, including: Read more on Dead Children And A Deadbeat Dad: Mark Sanford’s Sad, Sleazy Divorce Hearing Transcript (EXCLUSIVE, FOR REAL)…
  maybe he "fired on fort sumter" if you know what we mean

Lovelorn Hiking Enthusiast Mark Sanford Can’t Believe His Ex-Wife Thinks He’s A Crazy Alcoholic

We don’t believe in an actual hell here at Wonkette, because nothing the Dark Lord Satan, Ruler of the Underworld, could dream up for our eternal torment can top the trauma in our life aboveground when we occasionally fire up the Internet, scan the news, and get cock-slapped in the face with a new story about sad lust goblin Mark Sanford and the ever-ongoing saga of his marital woes. Read more on Lovelorn Hiking Enthusiast Mark Sanford Can’t Believe His Ex-Wife Thinks He’s A Crazy Alcoholic…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!

Is it just us, or has it been a long time since we had a really revolting sex scandal? What was the last one, Bob Filner? That was a “good” one. We are trying to remember before that but Big Dave Petraeus, Mark “Soul Mate” Sanford, and Mr. Wide Stance Bromance Larry Craig are all mashed together in the men’s room of our memory. Maybe those weren’t all revolting, but a lot of words were writ upon the subject of their humpings, so many that we got bored, even of the Petraeus one which was fairly actually sexy. (Mark Sanford actually got himself elected to Congress not too long ago, remember that? Cripes.) Oh yeah, Anthony Weiner, almost forgot! So, so blissfully close to forgetting… So anyway, we figured — rather than wait for the next spectacular lapse of self-control, let’s just make up our own! We have written a story like one you might read on a real news place. After the jump, you can Fill In The Blanks of our story to create your very own juvenile political sex scandal, probably with the word “penis” in every sentence. Penis is not even a verb, guys, come on. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Your Politician Sex Scandal Choose Your Own Word-Lib!…
  same senate different day

Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism

Cory Booker, welcome to the Senate. On a day better known for scary costumes, you are one good-looking piece of eye-candy that we are very excited to see more of! And you were sworn in by the only man in the Senate we would like to bone more harder, Old Handsome Joe Biden, playing his oft-overlooked role of President of the Senate. What kind of treats does the Senate have in store for you today? Well, less than an hour after being sworn in, you got to cast your first votes. But your recent victory streak came to a screeching halt, per WaPo: Senate Republicans on Thursday blocked a vote on the nomination of Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) to lead the Federal Housing Finance Agency.  The Senate voted 56-42 to proceed to a vote on Watt’s nomination — shy of the 60 votes required to end debate. Welcome to the Senate, Cory, where a ‘majority’ of 42 Senators get to hold up the people’s business. Democracy is a strange thing, sometimes. Read more on Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism…
  cheaters sometimes prosper

Mark Sanford Briefly Relevant Again For Last Time In His Life

What would you think of Mark Sanford if we told you he was a philandering simpleton with the impulse control of an autistic starfish? If you are more than half of voters in yesterday’s South Carolina 1st Congressional District special election, the bidding starts at “He ain’t the ‘bortion lady, right?” Mr. Sanford has defeated self-described “businesswoman” and fruit of the womb of a tv man’s mom Elizabeth Colbert Busch to regain the federally provided health insurance he had previously held for three terms from 1995 to 2001, before everyone knew and didn’t care that he’s just awful. Read more on Mark Sanford Briefly Relevant Again For Last Time In His Life…
  Hiking the Appalachian Fail

Jenny Sanford’s 2010 Book Suggests Mark Sanford Maybe A Bit Of A Dick

There’s this exciting special election happening in South Carolina today between a comedian’s sister and a hiking aficionado. This being South Carolina, the slime machine has been running at high RPMs, with nasty push polls making anonymous slurs against Elizabeth Colbert-Busch, and over the weekend, the Stupidest Man on the Internet ran — twice — a mug shot from her arrest on contempt of court in a messy 1988 divorce (nobody on the internet has any details). Say, you know who else was involved in a messy divorce, and a bit more recently than 1988? Buzzfeed’s Andrew Kaczynski found a few passages from Jenny Sanford’s 2010 memoir Staying True, which help give a picture of what fun life with Mark Sanford could be. We are not sure what our favorite was, the used $25 bike birthday/Christmas gift, or the part where he couldn’t remember her birthday — September 11 — until something came along in 2001 that helped cement the date in his mind. Read more on Jenny Sanford’s 2010 Book Suggests Mark Sanford Maybe A Bit Of A Dick…
  Keep It Klassy South Karolina

Is Elizabeth Colbert Busch A Deadbeat ‘Bortion-Having Crime-Doer? We Are Just Asking

Oh, South Carolina, you are so very special, the way you keep the Confederate flag handy because the South is sooooo gonna rise again, y’all, and the way you voted for Newt Gingrich to be your Republican presidential nominee, and the way you just looooooooooove to believe the most shocking of rumors when some mysterious stranger calls you on the phone and asks hypothetical questions like, say, “Would you be more likely or less likely to vote for John McCain for president if you knew he had fathered an illegitimate black child?” But you, South Carolina, are way too so S-M-R-T to fall for those kinds of dirty tricks ever again, like you did in 2000 (the one and only time in history that it was not excellent news for John McCain)? Like, say, if you were getting mysterious phone calls — what the professionals call “push polls” — asking hypothetical (and by hypothetical, we mean utter horseshit) questions about Democrat Elizabeth Colbert Busch right before next Tuesday’s special election, you definitely would not fall for that, right? Read more on Is Elizabeth Colbert Busch A Deadbeat ‘Bortion-Having Crime-Doer? We Are Just Asking…
  looks like we picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue

Mark Sanford Not Allowed To Fly Airplanes At His Children Anymore

When Mark Sanford — the disgraced former governor of South Carolina, wannabe-but-not-gonna-be congressman from the state’s 1st Congressional District, and the world’s most enthusiastic trail-hiker EVER — isn’t losing a debate to a cardboard cut-out of Nancy Pelosi, or losing a debate to his actual opponent Elizabeth Colbert Busch, or violating the terms of his divorce, he’s trying to avoid flying airplanes at his children. Wait, what?!?!? Read more on Mark Sanford Not Allowed To Fly Airplanes At His Children Anymore…
  a fine whine

Biggest Victim of Last Week Was Mark Sanford, Says Mark Sanford

Sad sex monster Mark Sanford took out a full-page ad in the Charleston Post & Courier on Sunday just to tell America: Mark Sanford knows that “it’s been a rough week.” It was a confusing time, these past days, and how about this media coverage last week, right? “The media does all of us a disservice in throwing these things to the front page as this paper did, before all the facts are known,” Sanford opines. Too true, too true. Accordingly, Mark Sanford would like a minute of your time to discuss how Mark Sanford is doing in the wake of these vicious attacks. Curiously, however, at no point is Mark Sanford ever talking about the Boston Marathon bombings. Read more on Biggest Victim of Last Week Was Mark Sanford, Says Mark Sanford…