mark penn

The bloodstone hearth glowed crimson and umber athwart the embers of the fire. Lady Hillarye Clynton regarded the beasts carved upon it: the savage bear, the diffident squirrel, the cowardly otter. Above them all, the rampant croissant, sigil of House Clynton, shone with buttery benevolence. But it was the rabbit that arrested her attention. The […]

Oh, this is fun: Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton’s former fat Komodo dragon advisor, and “Bride of Mark Penn” are hosting a fundraiser at their Washington home for Charlie Crist. Charlie Crist, you remember, used to be a Republican, and Mark Penn used to be a pile of lizard poop upon which some nuclear waste leaked. […]

History’s greatest monster, the notorious bottom-feeding nudibranch Mark Penn, has once again triumphed over Goodness and Mercy. Nearly $6 million in stimulus money went to Penn’s PR firm, Burson-Marsteller, in order to “preserve three jobs,” which is a fancy way of saying “keep Penn in Cheetos and JUGGS subscriptions through 2012.”

One of the great pleasures of last year’s campaign season was seeing the consulting firm of Mark Penn, history’s greatest monster, end up millions of dollars in the hole for all the great work they did on behalf of losing candidate Hillary Clinton. How was Penn going to afford his lavish subterranean cave and the […]

Visit for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy Monster-Emperor of Targeted Polls and Hillary Clinton’s personal Iago, Mark Penn, went on the Morning Joe program today because his important book from 90 years ago, Microtrends, is now in paperback. Hooray! (And if you blog about it, you win ten million dollars!)

Failed campaign strategist/pollster/tyrant Mark Penn writes in his always forward-thinking Microtrends column today: “Paid bloggers fit just about every definition of a microtrend.” Hooray! We’re eating steaks tonight! And then maybe some dancing, MMHMM? Tell us more: “In America today, there are almost as many people making their living as bloggers as there are lawyers.” […]

Former Bush spokesmodels who do not know what the Cuban Missile Crisis was, finding work with reptilian Cheetos-addicted statisticians: it’s a Microtrend! Dana Perino recently joined this elite demographic when she was hired on at Mark Penn’s PR outfit to “communicate” things for “clients,” who include Lucifer and the reanimated corpse of Kenneth Lay. [Wall […]

Obese, constipated hell monster Mark Penn has written a new edition of “Microtrends” — no not the book about how to lose a Democratic primary with a Clinton, but the Wall Street Journal column about pornography! IN WHICH HE WRITES: “Running counter to the pack is almost always the key to real success.” Complete pornography! […]

PIG MONSTERS  1:13 pm March 10, 2009

Mark Penn Still a Scumbag

by Ken Layne

Repulsive swamp cow Mark Penn has so many personal microtrends that they all add up into one megatrend, which is “Mark Penn will take money from anybody, including Satan.” Here is Rachel Maddow responding to Penn’s latest bullshit about his latest scandal — claiming his PR firm hasn’t done work for Blackwater murder gangs. [Gawker]

Politics magazine will release the results of their “2008 campaign poll of political insiders” this Thursday, but we already know the winner of one category: best ad of the presidential race. It is Hillary Clinton’s “3 a.m.” ad, the one about how Hillary Clinton was the only person who could answer a telephone at night […]

Now that it’s officially pre-2009, we can start guiltlessly recycling all the material we’ve already written into Top Ten Posts. Today’s took a surprisingly long time to compile. It seemed like a good idea to look at all the funny terms we used to describe our Political Enemies, and it turns out that phrases like […]

As Gawker points out, this comical footnote is the douchiest possible way Mark Penn — or anyone, ever — could have ended his Wall Street Journal column today. (Oh, yes, he has a regular WSJ column now called… “Microtrends.” His punishment from God is to hawk this dumb book for the rest of his life.) […]

SEX DISORDERS  11:00 am December 11, 2008

by Sara K. Smith

MARK PENN DISCOVERS FANCIFUL NEW DEMOGRAPHIC: He calls them “Mattress Stuffers”: a group of depraved individuals who, unable to experience arousal from normal human contact, can only reach sexual fulfillment by humping beds full of dollars. Mark Penn is the soccer mom of mattress stuffers. [Wall Street Journal]

WEEKLY CHURCH READINGS  7:02 pm December 7, 2008

by Jim Newell

COMICAL SUNDAY READING: The Independent landed a sit-down with former Hillary Clinton campaign chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn during one of his awful British speaking engagements and JESUS, the write-up reads as if Mark Penn had once sodomized and tortured and eaten every member of this reporter’s family! It’s titled “Mark Penn: The man who […]

For veritable days we have been racking our brains, trying to figure out why Hillary Clinton would be interested in a Secretary of State position. It ain’t exactly a stepping stone to the presidency, and in her beloved Senate she can be her own boss and work on all those domestic things she loves so […]