Tag Archives: mark penn

  Sorry

Game of Hormones: How Will Lady Clynton’s Grandchild Help Her Usurp The Throne?

The bloodstone hearth glowed crimson and umber athwart the embers of the fire. Lady Hillarye Clynton regarded the beasts carved upon it: the savage bear, the diffident squirrel, the cowardly otter. Above them all, the rampant croissant, sigil of House Clynton, shone with buttery benevolence. But it was the rabbit that arrested her attention. The prolific rabbit, dam of furry kingdoms. She sought wisdom in its stony haunches. For she had borne a daughter only. Fair Chelsye was a strong girl. She had retained the name of her House rather than take her lowborn merchant husband’s. Yet for all that, she could not be a son, and no legitimate son would ever join her. She had never harmed the family’s political fortunes, but neither had she helped. She had been too aged to kindle tender feelings in the hearts of the smallfolk when Lord Clynton held the Iron Throne. But now, by the gods, Chelsye had promised her mother a great gift. She was with child. The possibilities spun out before Lady Clynton like threads of gold. “A child,” she whispered. “The game is changed.” In one sure motion she pulled a single strand of hair from her head and let it fall into the fire. Green smoke hissed from the coals as a face appeared in the hearth. The ghostly visage of Ser Marke Penn, the Worm Knight, greeted her. Read more on Game of Hormones: How Will Lady Clynton’s Grandchild Help Her Usurp The Throne?…
  come to bowser's castle rich people

Mark Penn To Shove Money Into His Pants For Charlie Crist

Oh, this is fun: Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton’s former fat Komodo dragon advisor, and “Bride of Mark Penn” are hosting a fundraiser at their Washington home for Charlie Crist. Charlie Crist, you remember, used to be a Republican, and Mark Penn used to be a pile of lizard poop upon which some nuclear waste leaked. Will Hillary Clinton show up to this event in her nightgown, as if in a trance? Read more on Mark Penn To Shove Money Into His Pants For Charlie Crist…
  whores of babylon

Penn’s Firm Made Big Smackeroos Off Stimulus

History’s greatest monster, the notorious bottom-feeding nudibranch Mark Penn, has once again triumphed over Goodness and Mercy. Nearly $6 million in stimulus money went to Penn’s PR firm, Burson-Marsteller, in order to “preserve three jobs,” which is a fancy way of saying “keep Penn in Cheetos and JUGGS subscriptions through 2012.” Read more on Penn’s Firm Made Big Smackeroos Off Stimulus…
  delinquents

Clinton Still Owes Mark Penn Many Dollars

One of the great pleasures of last year’s campaign season was seeing the consulting firm of Mark Penn, history’s greatest monster, end up millions of dollars in the hole for all the great work they did on behalf of losing candidate Hillary Clinton. How was Penn going to afford his lavish subterranean cave and the constant supply of virgins bearing Ho-Hos without Clinton’s subsidies? Read more on Clinton Still Owes Mark Penn Many Dollars…
  his voice is adorable!

Mark Penn Does Not See ‘Angry Left’ As New Important Microtrend

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy Monster-Emperor of Targeted Polls and Hillary Clinton’s personal Iago, Mark Penn, went on the Morning Joe program today because his important book from 90 years ago, Microtrends, is now in paperback. Hooray! (And if you blog about it, you win ten million dollars!) Read more on Mark Penn Does Not See ‘Angry Left’ As New Important Microtrend…
  math is not a microtrend

Mark Penn Declares Blogging Latest Microtrend (UPDATE: Mark Penn Unsure If Blogging Is Latest Microtrend)

Failed campaign strategist/pollster/tyrant Mark Penn writes in his always forward-thinking Microtrends column today: “Paid bloggers fit just about every definition of a microtrend.” Hooray! We’re eating steaks tonight! And then maybe some dancing, MMHMM? Tell us more: “In America today, there are almost as many people making their living as bloggers as there are lawyers.” Hoor– HUH? Oh god this entire fucking column is wrong, isn’t it? Read more on Mark Penn Declares Blogging Latest Microtrend (UPDATE: Mark Penn Unsure If Blogging Is Latest Microtrend)…
  sellouts

Dana Perino Joins Mark Penn’s Firm

Former Bush spokesmodels who do not know what the Cuban Missile Crisis was, finding work with reptilian Cheetos-addicted statisticians: it’s a Microtrend! Dana Perino recently joined this elite demographic when she was hired on at Mark Penn’s PR outfit to “communicate” things for “clients,” who include Lucifer and the reanimated corpse of Kenneth Lay. [Wall Street Journal] Read more on Dana Perino Joins Mark Penn’s Firm…
  demons

Mark Penn Unveils New Microtrends: ‘Buyers’ And ‘Sellers’

Obese, constipated hell monster Mark Penn has written a new edition of “Microtrends” — no not the book about how to lose a Democratic primary with a Clinton, but the Wall Street Journal column about pornography! IN WHICH HE WRITES: “Running counter to the pack is almost always the key to real success.” Complete pornography! FURTHERMORE: “Most of the microtrends being created by the financial crisis have been about resetting our tolerance for risk.” In other words there are three Microtrends right now: people taking on risk, people taking on no risk, and people just sitting around doing whatever. So granular! But which one gets to be prom queen hmm? Read more on Mark Penn Unveils New Microtrends: ‘Buyers’ And ‘Sellers’…
  pig monsters

Mark Penn Still a Scumbag

Repulsive swamp cow Mark Penn has so many personal microtrends that they all add up into one megatrend, which is “Mark Penn will take money from anybody, including Satan.” Here is Rachel Maddow responding to Penn’s latest bullshit about his latest scandal — claiming his PR firm hasn’t done work for Blackwater murder gangs. [Gawker] Read more on Mark Penn Still a Scumbag…
  dinguses

Mark Penn Poll: Mark Penn’s Ad Is Best Ad Of Politics

Politics magazine will release the results of their “2008 campaign poll of political insiders” this Thursday, but we already know the winner of one category: best ad of the presidential race. It is Hillary Clinton’s “3 a.m.” ad, the one about how Hillary Clinton was the only person who could answer a telephone at night without getting us all killed, or raped. Mark Penn was the “thrust” behind this successful ad, which you may have read about in any column Mark Penn has written since then. Hell, Mark Penn’s company even conducted this Politics poll, ha ha! No, seriously, that’s actually true. We can’t wait to see the winners of other categories, such as Best Thing Written (Microtrends), Worst Thorn In One’s Side (Harold Ickes/Patti Solis Doyle tie) and Best Floating Film Script In Hollywood (Microtrends Part I: Pages 1-74). [WP/The Fix] Read more on Mark Penn Poll: Mark Penn’s Ad Is Best Ad Of Politics…
  of human garbage

A Children’s Treasury Of Terms Of Abuse For Our Favorite Villains

Now that it’s officially pre-2009, we can start guiltlessly recycling all the material we’ve already written into Top Ten Posts. Today’s took a surprisingly long time to compile. It seemed like a good idea to look at all the funny terms we used to describe our Political Enemies, and it turns out that phrases like “rancid shit-sack,” “vulgar fraud,” “human garbage,” and “cretin” turn up with shocking frequency around these parts. So, after the jump, a painstakingly culled collection of our favorite mean phrases we used to describe objectionable people such as Joe the Plumber, Eliot Spitzer, and of course our all-time favorite, the humanoid sewer-pipe and self-professed eternal virgin Joe Lieberman. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Terms Of Abuse For Our Favorite Villains…
  bowser

Maybe We’ll Read Page 136 Just To Piss You Off, Mark Penn

As Gawker points out, this comical footnote is the douchiest possible way Mark Penn — or anyone, ever — could have ended his Wall Street Journal column today. (Oh, yes, he has a regular WSJ column now called… “Microtrends.” His punishment from God is to hawk this dumb book for the rest of his life.) [WSJ, Gawker] Read more on Maybe We’ll Read Page 136 Just To Piss You Off, Mark Penn…
  sex disorders

MARK PENN DISCOVERS FANCIFUL NEW DEMOGRAPHIC: He calls them “Mattress Stuffers”: a group of depraved individuals who, unable to experience arousal from normal human contact, can only reach sexual fulfillment by humping beds full of dollars. Mark Penn is the soccer mom of mattress stuffers. [Wall Street Journal] Read more on …
  weekly church readings

COMICAL SUNDAY READING: The Independent landed a sit-down with former Hillary Clinton campaign chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn during one of his awful British speaking engagements and JESUS, the write-up reads as if Mark Penn had once sodomized and tortured and eaten every member of this reporter’s family! It’s titled “Mark Penn: The man who blew the presidency,” and along the way this reporter (whose name we cannot locate Cole Moreton!) calls him “fat,” “ugly,” and even — hide the children from this one — “indefatigable.” That is English for the American word “cuntmonger.” [Independent] Read more on …
  shrewd calculations

Hillary Decides: Obama’s Cabinet Or Debtor’s Prison?

For veritable days we have been racking our brains, trying to figure out why Hillary Clinton would be interested in a Secretary of State position. It ain’t exactly a stepping stone to the presidency, and in her beloved Senate she can be her own boss and work on all those domestic things she loves so much, like imposing a Canadian-Marxist healthcare regime on America. Well, now we have the answer! What might motivate Hillary Clinton now is the thing that has always motivated the Clintons: money. (And the desire to serve, of course! And cracklins.) Read more on Hillary Decides: Obama’s Cabinet Or Debtor’s Prison?…
  self-parody watch

Mark Penn Column: Satan Is A Cool Guy, Once You Get To Know Him

A day after the Atlantic released tons of confidential memos and e-mails that, yet again, proved Hillary Clinton’s former chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn kills puppies for bloodsport, the Politico has comically published an op-ed from this very same Mark Penn, entitled, “Negative ads: They really do work.” Christ, Mark, we get it; Wolfson and Grunwald and Ickes were silly sallies who kept spoiling your hellish strategy for charred victory. But that doesn’t mean you have to write some creepy op-ed in the damn Politico every three hours! Seriously, creepy — in this op-ed, Penn reveals how he and Bill Clinton used to stalk people at the mall in 1996. Read more on Mark Penn Column: Satan Is A Cool Guy, Once You Get To Know Him…
  important political essays

Clinton Campaign’s Internal E-mails More Or Less Confirm Staff’s Insanity

For the last few days, the folks at the Atlantic magazine have been hyping a piece from senior editor Joshua Green about the (not so) mysterious inner workings of Hillary Clinton’s terrible campaign staff, claiming Green had procured 200(!) internal e-mails and memos. Such teases! This is sort of like waving crack in front of John Edwards’ crack baby, but then saying “you have to wait for the September issue of crack to come out in three days.” But it’s out now, and we read it, and there’s not much you haven’t already known for months or couldn’t have predicted. It has its moments, however. Wait until you read about Mark Penn’s “FUN” invisible people button for the website! Read more on Clinton Campaign’s Internal E-mails More Or Less Confirm Staff’s Insanity…
  heroes of commerce

BEST DREAM TEAM SINCE ’92 USA BASKETBALL: Former Clinton chief strategist and irreparable dipshit Mark Penn is hiring a new vice chairwoman for his elitist Burson-Marsteller PR firm, and it’s Eleanor Roosevelt. Just kidding, it’s worse! He is hiring famous Bush loyalist Karen Hughes as his vice chairwoman, where she will “provide crisis communications consulting and advice to corporate clients.” What a catch! Karen Hughes has a well detailed background as a P.R. mastermind. [NYT/The Caucus] Read more on …
 

Clinton Campaign Post Mortem: Everybody Hates Mark Penn, Still

Hillary Clinton may have conceded the Democratic presidential nomination last weekend, but that doesn’t mean her old ex-friend Dick Morris doesn’t have some more strategic advice for her! You have heard of this “Mark Penn” character, yes? The pile of human glop that would slither out in front of the teevee cameras and gurgle about Hillary’s balls or whatever, until he got fired for being a Colombian sewer-hound? It seems that Mark Penn is to blame for Hillary’s failure, which everybody knows, and now Dick Morris knows it, too. Read more on Clinton Campaign Post Mortem: Everybody Hates Mark Penn, Still…
 

Shocker: Mark Penn Is Strongest Supporter Of Fighting To Denver

Hey now, what ever happened to Clinton’s former chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn, the most stereotypically evil man in the world? When he was demoted from his top position, no one expected him to have any less sway, yet he’s remained shielded from the public eye. Now, however, some new information has come to light about Penn’s role in these last days: rumors indicate that Penn, more than anyone else in the campaign, wants to take the fight to the convention — for all the predictably devilish reasons, as well as the numerous free buffets. Read more on Shocker: Mark Penn Is Strongest Supporter Of Fighting To Denver…
 

Mark Penn Is Dumber Than Everyone

Hillary’s election strategy is legendarily flawed, what with it making her lose and all. Look at the classic fable of New Jersey and Idaho on Super Tuesday: Hillary puts all her time into winning the big state, ignores Idaho, while Obama holds one mega-rally in Boise. She wins New Jersey’s delegates 59-48 (+11, for those of you who hate Elite Math) while Obama win’s Idaho’s delegates 15-3 (+12). Was it just stubbornness, or did she think she would win New Jersey by a larger amount? A new Time article reveals that this poor strategy stemmed from the simplest possible explanation: Chief Strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn had no idea what “apportioned delegates” were. He literally did not know the rules of the Democratic party’s nominating process. Read more on Mark Penn Is Dumber Than Everyone…
 

Our Second Annual ‘Hopefully The Last White House Correspondents Post Ever’

It was quite the star-studded affair in Washington D.C. Saturday evening for the annual White House Correspondents Dinner, perhaps the District’s biggest social night of the year. This is the one where journalists and the politicos they cover congregate in an overt celebration of their inappropriate friendships — you know, the ones that caused the Iraq War. All of America can drink to that! Obviously the public-at-large wouldn’t care about a journalism party — they are not for the soft-at-heart, or people who have lives — if it weren’t for the WHCD’s other strange attraction, the liberal Hollywood Movie Star guests! Your Wonkette’s associate editor and videographer/Polaroidist Liz Glover donned our best church clothes Saturday to witness the proceedings, and all we got were strange memories and a wretched purple umbrella that says “Bloomberg.” The troubling story, below! Read more on Our Second Annual ‘Hopefully The Last White House Correspondents Post Ever’…