One of the great pleasures of last year’s campaign season was seeing the consulting firm of Mark Penn, history’s greatest monster, end up millions of dollars in the hole for all the great work they did on behalf of losing candidate Hillary Clinton. How was Penn going to afford his lavish subterranean cave and the constant supply of virgins bearing Ho-Hos without Clinton’s subsidies? MORE »

Monster-Emperor of Targeted Polls and Hillary Clinton’s personal Iago, Mark Penn, went on the Morning Joe program today because his important book from 90 years ago, Microtrends, is now in paperback. Hooray! (And if you blog about it, you win ten million dollars!) MORE »

Failed campaign strategist/pollster/tyrant Mark Penn writes in his always forward-thinking Microtrends column today: “Paid bloggers fit just about every definition of a microtrend.” Hooray! We’re eating steaks tonight! And then maybe some dancing, MMHMM? Tell us more: “In America today, there are almost as many people making their living as bloggers as there are lawyers.” Hoor– HUH? Oh god this entire fucking column is wrong, isn’t it? MORE »

Former Bush spokesmodels who do not know what the Cuban Missile Crisis was, finding work with reptilian Cheetos-addicted statisticians: it’s a Microtrend! Dana Perino recently joined this elite demographic when she was hired on at Mark Penn’s PR outfit to “communicate” things for “clients,” who include Lucifer and the reanimated corpse of Kenneth Lay. [Wall Street Journal]

Obese, constipated hell monster Mark Penn has written a new edition of “Microtrends” — no not the book about how to lose a Democratic primary with a Clinton, but the Wall Street Journal column about pornography! IN WHICH HE WRITES: “Running counter to the pack is almost always the key to real success.” Complete pornography! FURTHERMORE: “Most of the microtrends being created by the financial crisis have been about resetting our tolerance for risk.” In other words there are three Microtrends right now: people taking on risk, people taking on no risk, and people just sitting around doing whatever. So granular! But which one gets to be prom queen hmm? MORE »

Repulsive swamp cow Mark Penn has so many personal microtrends that they all add up into one megatrend, which is “Mark Penn will take money from anybody, including Satan.” Here is Rachel Maddow responding to Penn’s latest bullshit about his latest scandal — claiming his PR firm hasn’t done work for Blackwater murder gangs. [Gawker]

Politics magazine will release the results of their “2008 campaign poll of political insiders” this Thursday, but we already know the winner of one category: best ad of the presidential race. It is Hillary Clinton’s “3 a.m.” ad, the one about how Hillary Clinton was the only person who could answer a telephone at night without getting us all killed, or raped. Mark Penn was the “thrust” behind this successful ad, which you may have read about in any column Mark Penn has written since then. Hell, Mark Penn’s company even conducted this Politics poll, ha ha! No, seriously, that’s actually true. We can’t wait to see the winners of other categories, such as Best Thing Written (Microtrends), Worst Thorn In One’s Side (Harold Ickes/Patti Solis Doyle tie) and Best Floating Film Script In Hollywood (Microtrends Part I: Pages 1-74). [WP/The Fix]

Now that it’s officially pre-2009, we can start guiltlessly recycling all the material we’ve already written into Top Ten Posts. Today’s took a surprisingly long time to compile. It seemed like a good idea to look at all the funny terms we used to describe our Political Enemies, and it turns out that phrases like “rancid shit-sack,” “vulgar fraud,” “human garbage,” and “cretin” turn up with shocking frequency around these parts. So, after the jump, a painstakingly culled collection of our favorite mean phrases we used to describe objectionable people such as Joe the Plumber, Eliot Spitzer, and of course our all-time favorite, the humanoid sewer-pipe and self-professed eternal virgin Joe Lieberman. MORE »

As Gawker points out, this comical footnote is the douchiest possible way Mark Penn — or anyone, ever — could have ended his Wall Street Journal column today. (Oh, yes, he has a regular WSJ column now called… “Microtrends.” His punishment from God is to hawk this dumb book for the rest of his life.) [WSJ, Gawker]

• MARK PENN DISCOVERS FANCIFUL NEW DEMOGRAPHIC: He calls them “Mattress Stuffers”: a group of depraved individuals who, unable to experience arousal from normal human contact, can only reach sexual fulfillment by humping beds full of dollars. Mark Penn is the soccer mom of mattress stuffers. [Wall Street Journal]

• COMICAL SUNDAY READING: The Independent landed a sit-down with former Hillary Clinton campaign chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn during one of his awful British speaking engagements and JESUS, the write-up reads as if Mark Penn had once sodomized and tortured and eaten every member of this reporter’s family! It’s titled “Mark Penn: The man who blew the presidency,” and along the way this reporter (whose name we cannot locate Cole Moreton!) calls him “fat,” “ugly,” and even — hide the children from this one — “indefatigable.” That is English for the American word “cuntmonger.” [Independent]