Here’s “the news:” tomorrow morning, Barack Obama will speak at 10:10 to outline his plan for closing Guantanamo Bay, if there still is a plan, while Dick Cheney will speak to the American Enterprise Institute at 10:30 re: his favorite torture moments. In other words, if you live anywhere in the continental United States and open your window right now, you’ll be able to hear the violent fapping sounds emanating from Time magazine’s Washington bureau. MORE »

• LET’S JUST FUEL THIS MEGHAN MCCAIN/ANN COULTER FEUD FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES AND THEN KILL OURSELVES: Speaking of death, have you heard about this thing where Ann Coulter and Bill Maher are on a “debate tour” with Mark Halperin serving as moderator? Does one actually pay to attend this? In any event, Halperin asked Coulter today in New York what she thought about Meghan McCain’s trite, confused stream of spittle yesterday, and Coulter was like, “Who cares?” and then Halperin went and begged Drudge for a link while Bill Maher complained about Jesus. Next stop, Boston, or wherever. [Raw Story]

Oh sure it’s an old joke, mispronouncing House minority leader John Boehner’s last name (it’s really pronounced “Choire”). But still: ha ha, “penis.” Halperin YOU SCALAWAG, you totally had this in mind. [The Page]

Hey you know who has been douchier than usual in the last couple of days is that Mark Halperin, the famous political reporter who thinks he knows everything but is always wrong. His website has all sorts of useful information — campaign press releases, teevee schedules, etc. — but also a constantly updated cycle of crap predictions. This edition of “Halperin’s Take” is the worst thing anyone has ever written about politics. And yesterday he predicted that billion-year-old Republican Sen. Dick Lugar would be Obama’s pick. WTF? And don’t forget this gay little stunt too, in which he mocks political reporters who like to spread the shit without any factual basis. Projecting much? God he is a twit. Why are we even writing about this twit? Who? [The Page, HuffPo]

So hints tragic reporter hero Mark Halperin, who says the Barry campaign will announce a major endorsement between 6:15 and 7:15. Obama will be holding a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan tonight — and John Edwards got on a plane this afternoon! Maybe he was just flying to Outer Space or some deserted island, far, far away from the speculative hellhole we call the Two-Hour News Cycle.

UPDATE: Nope, no vacation. It’s confirmed by Politico, ABC, MSNBC, NYT, etc. etc., that Edwards will indeed throw his White Weight behind Elitist Barry. [The Page]

Time’s Mark Halperin isn’t naked, or dreaming about Matthew McConaughey, or asking the important obvious questions. But he is doing something else that is strange. Who will win? Lassie. It is Lassie who will run against John McCain for president. [The Page/Time]

There’s so much news this election cycle from the various Journalistic Reporters; how do we even know what to believe, and what are the questions we should be asking? Fortunately we have reporters like Time’s Mark Halperin to sift through the material and offer “Halperin’s Take” on the events at hand. Halperin’s thoughts and commentary transcend what you or I could ever hope to think or comment. Today, he offers “Halperin’s Take” on that question we’re all asking: Will Hillary go on if she loses Texas and/or Ohio tomorrow? She will, according to Halperin, because she wants to be president! MORE »

Thank you, Mark Halperin, for equating the current status of the Democratic race with saucy minx Matthew McConaughey, laden against the backdrop of one of those famous yellow Texas apocalypses. It is almost March, and Barack Obama is predictably breaking Hillary’s firewalls in Ohio and Texas. Matthew McConaughey will soon be naked and the Texas sky will be fuchsia. God will let us stop crying then, and Hillary will be gone. [The Page, Washington Post]

The Gallup Daily Tracking Poll shows Hillary finally closing that deficit after a whole five or six days. She’s only losing by one point now. Call the election! Hillary wins forever, soon! Don’t, stop, thinkin’ about tomorrow…

But in real life, she actually does have some vague chance of winning Wisconsin tonight, even though she’s lost every primary election since Super Tuesday. Accordingly, those wombats at the Obama campaign have “lowered expectations” dramatically via their daily talking points. So either way, they win by 50 points, in the American Voter’s mind. MORE »

Being a political insider, golly, that must be neat. Oh, and to Ms. Kelly: No shit. [The Page]

I went to find important political information regarding the Michigan race on The Page, the news-aggregation website led by horserace political journalism guru Mark Halperin. Instead I found his “PageCast” which just has him in a robe. This clearly bodes well for Ron Paul in the Michigan, the Penis State. [The Page]