Wonkette

Hey you know who has been douchier than usual in the last couple of days is that Mark Halperin, the famous political reporter who thinks he knows everything but is always wrong. His website has all sorts of useful information — campaign press releases, teevee schedules, etc. — but also a constantly updated cycle of crap predictions. This edition of “Halperin’s Take” is the worst thing anyone has ever written about politics. And yesterday he predicted that billion-year-old Republican Sen. Dick Lugar would be Obama’s pick. WTF? And don’t forget this gay little stunt too, in which he mocks political reporters who like to spread the shit without any factual basis. Projecting much? God he is a twit. Why are we even writing about this twit? Who? [The Page, HuffPo]

So hints tragic reporter hero Mark Halperin, who says the Barry campaign will announce a major endorsement between 6:15 and 7:15. Obama will be holding a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan tonight — and John Edwards got on a plane this afternoon! Maybe he was just flying to Outer Space or some deserted island, far, far away from the speculative hellhole we call the Two-Hour News Cycle.

UPDATE: Nope, no vacation. It’s confirmed by Politico, ABC, MSNBC, NYT, etc. etc., that Edwards will indeed throw his White Weight behind Elitist Barry. [The Page]

Time’s Mark Halperin isn’t naked, or dreaming about Matthew McConaughey, or asking the important obvious questions. But he is doing something else that is strange. Who will win? Lassie. It is Lassie who will run against John McCain for president. [The Page/Time]

There’s so much news this election cycle from the various Journalistic Reporters; how do we even know what to believe, and what are the questions we should be asking? Fortunately we have reporters like Time’s Mark Halperin to sift through the material and offer “Halperin’s Take” on the events at hand. Halperin’s thoughts and commentary transcend what you or I could ever hope to think or comment. Today, he offers “Halperin’s Take” on that question we’re all asking: Will Hillary go on if she loses Texas and/or Ohio tomorrow? She will, according to Halperin, because she wants to be president! MORE »

Thank you, Mark Halperin, for equating the current status of the Democratic race with saucy minx Matthew McConaughey, laden against the backdrop of one of those famous yellow Texas apocalypses. It is almost March, and Barack Obama is predictably breaking Hillary’s firewalls in Ohio and Texas. Matthew McConaughey will soon be naked and the Texas sky will be fuchsia. God will let us stop crying then, and Hillary will be gone. [The Page, Washington Post]

The Gallup Daily Tracking Poll shows Hillary finally closing that deficit after a whole five or six days. She’s only losing by one point now. Call the election! Hillary wins forever, soon! Don’t, stop, thinkin’ about tomorrow…

But in real life, she actually does have some vague chance of winning Wisconsin tonight, even though she’s lost every primary election since Super Tuesday. Accordingly, those wombats at the Obama campaign have “lowered expectations” dramatically via their daily talking points. So either way, they win by 50 points, in the American Voter’s mind. MORE »

Being a political insider, golly, that must be neat. Oh, and to Ms. Kelly: No shit. [The Page]

I went to find important political information regarding the Michigan race on The Page, the news-aggregation website led by horserace political journalism guru Mark Halperin. Instead I found his “PageCast” which just has him in a robe. This clearly bodes well for Ron Paul in the Michigan, the Penis State. [The Page]

According to that know-it-all Mark Halperin, tonight’s Demrat debate in Las Vegas will allow each candidate to ask other candidates two questions. And the focus will be on “black and brown” issues, since it’s Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday (which Hillary spent by making out with Lyndon Johnson’s grave). Given these format twists, it looks like Hillary and Barack won’t have to worry about that nasty racial tension anymore. [The Page]

The Time Magazine Man of the Year roadshow rolled into D.C. this morning at an ungodly hour despite the snow to get D.C. opinion leaders’ opinions on who Time should’ve chosen (since they’ve probably already decided) besides You, you narcissistic bastard. To help not decide, they invited Senator Sam Brownback, Representative Ellen Tauscher and Time Magazine employees Mark Halperin and Karen Tumulty. We don’t know why that group of people, really, but they fed us coffee and miniature pastries so that we couldn’t ask because our mouths were full.

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