Tag Archives: mark halperin

  Sing us a Cuban song too while you're at it!

Esteemed Teevee Journalist Would Like Ted Cruz To Say A Spanish, For Journalism

Gross. Both of them.
Mark Halperin is a hack whom everybody hates, who does hacky “journalism” and somehow, because the world is not fair, makes more money than yr Wonkette. Ted Cruz is an obnoxious, entitled asshole whom everyone hates, who has always been an asshole, who thinks he doesn’t have to play by any rules, but who adorably think he has a chance in hell of becoming president someday. He also has Cuban heritage, even though he actually invaded America from the north. So Halperin decided to interview Cruz, and what SHOULD have been a perfect demonstration of hack journalism, akin to two men using a double-headed dildo backing up into each other repeatedly, instead turned into a big gross racist thing where we ALMOST felt bad for Ted Cruz. Almost. Read more on Esteemed Teevee Journalist Would Like Ted Cruz To Say A Spanish, For Journalism…
  you come at the queen you best not miss

Get Ready: Another White Dude News Explainer Website Coming At Ya

This weekend Bloomberg Media decided to double down on its political coverage with a game change of an announcement: the company has hired veteran stenographers John Heilemann and Mark Halperin to launch a new website that will cover America’s political news and policy. What a relief! No one has leveraged a big name in political coverage to launch such a site in at least two or three weeks and we were starting to jones a little for something new. Will there be charts? It’s not a political website without charts. Read more on Get Ready: Another White Dude News Explainer Website Coming At Ya…
  insane in the campaign

‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty

There’s a new book out about the 2012 election that made Barack Obama dictator for life (again) and exiled Mitt Romney to the wolf-stalked beaches of Southern California. It’s called “Double Down,” probably after the KFC bacon and cheese and two hunks of fried chicken instead of bread sandwich, because like the sandwich it appeals to a small group of antisocial gluttons while nauseating everyone else. “Double Down” is by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, the guys who wrote “Game Change,” a book that got made into a movie about Sarah Palin and how she is terrible. LOL DIDN’T READ is what we said to that, and we won’t be reading this one either, because the liberal media has already done it for us. Here’s a taste: “I’m tired of you people!!!” the book quotes Christie as saying. “Leave me the [expletive] alone!!!!” Christie said this to some Romney lackey after Christie was criticized for making his GOP convention speech all about himself. You want more? Yeah, yeah you do. You want it bad. Read more on ‘Double Down’ Campaign Book: Mitt Romney Made Fun Of Chris Christie For Being Big Gross Fatty…
  but he likes it

Mitt Romney Can’t Explain What He Learned from Firing People

I like to learn a fun fact every day, and today I learned TWO fun facts! One is that people still actually read Time, and two is that Romneybot 6000 doesn’t have a scripted response to questions about what he learned from Bain or how Bain in any way qualifies him to be the president of the Greatest Country on Earth. He does, however, know that he has two of the most important qualifications there are: he was born in the United States, and he knows exactly how many people you have to fire to make a businesses grow. From that commie liberal rag the New York Times: “I’d like to have a provision in the Constitution,” he recalled [some guy] saying, “that in addition to the age of the president and the citizenship of the president and the birthplace of the president being set by the Constitution, I’d like it also to say that the president has to spend at least three years working in business before he could become president of the United States.” Mr. Romney did not endorse the idea, but he seemed to like it. He liked it because “working in business,” unlike, presumably, the kind of work that OTHER PEOPLE DO (*cough*Ann Romney*cough*) helps you understand exactly how you have to screw over workers in order to pursue an inflated bottom line for the suits at the top. Read more on Mitt Romney Can’t Explain What He Learned from Firing People…
  mark halperin has a new boyfriend

Rick Perry Is Now God and Mark Halperin Is His Moses

Unlikable jabbering punditurd Mark Halperin got a very important interview with soon-to-be presidential candidate and wingnut imbecile heartthrob Rick Perry. Mark Halperin named this mammoth journalistic achievement, “He Speaks,” which is also Jesus-talk for “God said something important.” Interesting information! Does Mark Halperin have something to “reveal?” Is Rick Perry God? Does He maybe have some things to share with everyone? Is Mark Halperin the new Moses? And in that case can Mark Halperin nominate himself to be in charge of writing all those things down in his column? “Why does God think God should be the next president of being Rick Perry?” is the first question. Answer: “God loves being Rick Perry’s God so much God is now Rick Perry.” Oh good answer, now a follow-up! “When did you first learn you were God?” Answer: “George W. Bush said so in a phone call.” Interesting, very interesting! Read more on Rick Perry Is Now God and Mark Halperin Is His Moses…
  dick moves

Unliked Pundit Mark Halperin Is Suspended From TV, World Happy Now

Mark Halperin is that guy nobody likes who writes/jabbers about politics and Washington. In this way, he is also every pundit jabbering about Washington and politics on the cable news, but he is also especially awful. So the world rejoiced a few minutes ago when MSNBC suspended Halperin for calling Barack Obama a “dick.” This is what Halperin said, on live television: “I thought he was kind of a dick yesterday.” Well sure, everybody thinks Obama is kind of a dick, or totally a dick, but in every case “a dick,” but one cannot say this on the teevee, so good-bye forever, Mark! Video? Yes, we have video. Read more on Unliked Pundit Mark Halperin Is Suspended From TV, World Happy Now…
  let's do this thing

Palin, Romney Get In First Cat Fight of 2012 Election

Apparently everyone decided yesterday was the start of the 2012 presidential election, and Mark Halperin of Time (or as Politico calls it, “Time” magazine, snarkily) reported that a “Romney intimate” (GROSS!) does not believe Sarah Palin is a “‘serious human being,” correctly. So Politico called up a Palin intimate (ALSO GROSS), and that person does not like these comments at all! The person called it “frankly immature,” and probably knows something about frank immaturity, being a “longtime Palin aide.” And thus we have an election on our hands. Read more on Palin, Romney Get In First Cat Fight of 2012 Election…
  the negro problem

WHEN HARRY MET NEGROES: “Republicans are very angry with Reid this week, and not just because he’s a powerful Democrat in Washington about to pass the thing Republicans hate more than Islam, which is affordable health care for Americans.” [Las Vegas Weekly] Read more on …
  old white man problems

Harry Reid Can Stay, FOR NOW, Says Powerless Mitch McConnell, Who Doesn’t Care

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has said a brave “the fuck I care” to his friends, Some Republicans, who are demanding that McConnell order Mark Halperin’s PR rep. Harry Reid to step down as Senate Majority Leader. “‘I think that is an issue for the Democratic conference,’ McConnell said at morning press conference at the Capitol. When pressed by CNN as to whether that means he does not agree with Republicans calling for Reid to be ousted, McConnell simple repeated, ‘I think that’s an issue for the Democratic conference.'” [CNN Political Ticker] Read more on Harry Reid Can Stay, FOR NOW, Says Powerless Mitch McConnell, Who Doesn’t Care…
  scoops

Sarah Palin Was Sent By God To Annoy Steve Schmidt!

Oh man this is what we get for not watching the sexy news show for old people, 60 Minutes. They had a JUICY SEGMENT last night about the hilariously awful McCain presidential campaign of 2008, with lots of scoopy revelations from top McCain adviser Steve Schmidt and also Washington’s reigning divas of snark, John Heilemann and Mark Halperin. After the jump: Steve Schmidt misuses “nonplussed,” Sarah Palin is a nutball, etc. Read more on Sarah Palin Was Sent By God To Annoy Steve Schmidt!…
  gross

Mark Halperin Currently Making Out With Copy Of ‘Going Rogue’

Ooh la la! TIME magazine’s president of sadness, Mark Halperin, appears to be having the whack of his life right now, reading Sarah Palin’s book. Or at least someone Photoshopped to look like Mark Halperin is! (Fred Thompson??) What is the fake masturbating Mark Halperin/Fred Thompson computer robot discovering? Read more on Mark Halperin Currently Making Out With Copy Of ‘Going Rogue’…
  'we have met the freak show and it is us'

Mark Halperin Criticizes Other Media Figures And Judges Other Humans

Time magazine chief clownsack Mark Halperin, the reporter who modernized “bullshit” for the post-Cold War era, is cold goin’ nuts in this, the most anticipated edition of HALPERIN’S TAKE in 350 years. He actually produces some trenchant TAKES within his ten TAKES, but we all know that this is what’s really getting him all riled up: “7. Please stop saying that Matt Drudge has lost his influence — or that those who point out his obvious influence are therefore celebrating his influence.” Yeah come on guys! Mark Halperin’s got like nine books resting on the key assertion that Matt Drudge determines everything in politics! [The Page] Read more on Mark Halperin Criticizes Other Media Figures And Judges Other Humans…
  america's greatest reporters

Halperin: Everyone Not Named ‘Sean Hannity’ Is WRONG About Palin

TIME magazine’s chief political sociopath Mark Halperin, who is right about most things, in politics, is urging readers of his The Page website to memorize Sean Hannity’s interpretation of Sarah Palin’s steamy resignation, oh boy. Sean Hannity says not to trust the media! Since such parameters would ostensibly include Mark Halperin, we agree with Sean Hannity. But what non-Hannity conclusions does Halperin include in the latest not-annoying edition of “HALPERIN’S TAKE,” not-annoyingly titled “9 Pieces of ‘Analysis’ About Sarah Palin’s Decision That Are Flat-Out Totally Wrong”? Read more on Halperin: Everyone Not Named ‘Sean Hannity’ Is WRONG About Palin…
  c'mon now

Do Not Click Mark Halperin’s Link, It’s A Live Feed Of Him Masturbating

Here’s “the news:” tomorrow morning, Barack Obama will speak at 10:10 to outline his plan for closing Guantanamo Bay, if there still is a plan, while Dick Cheney will speak to the American Enterprise Institute at 10:30 re: his favorite torture moments. In other words, if you live anywhere in the continental United States and open your window right now, you’ll be able to hear the violent fapping sounds emanating from Time magazine’s Washington bureau. Read more on Do Not Click Mark Halperin’s Link, It’s A Live Feed Of Him Masturbating…
  water cooler topics!

LET’S JUST FUEL THIS MEGHAN MCCAIN/ANN COULTER FEUD FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES AND THEN KILL OURSELVES: Speaking of death, have you heard about this thing where Ann Coulter and Bill Maher are on a “debate tour” with Mark Halperin serving as moderator? Does one actually pay to attend this? In any event, Halperin asked Coulter today in New York what she thought about Meghan McCain’s trite, confused stream of spittle yesterday, and Coulter was like, “Who cares?” and then Halperin went and begged Drudge for a link while Bill Maher complained about Jesus. Next stop, Boston, or wherever. [Raw Story] Read more on …
  phunny

HALPERIN: MCCAIN HAS UNFORTUNATELY TIMED ERECTION

Oh sure it’s an old joke, mispronouncing House minority leader John Boehner’s last name (it’s really pronounced “Choire”). But still: ha ha, “penis.” Halperin YOU SCALAWAG, you totally had this in mind. [The Page] Read more on HALPERIN: MCCAIN HAS UNFORTUNATELY TIMED ERECTION…
  dinguses

Mark Halperin Hasn’t Gotten Veep Scoop Yet Because He’s Too Busy Being Annoying

Hey you know who has been douchier than usual in the last couple of days is that Mark Halperin, the famous political reporter who thinks he knows everything but is always wrong. His website has all sorts of useful information — campaign press releases, teevee schedules, etc. — but also a constantly updated cycle of crap predictions. This edition of “Halperin’s Take” is the worst thing anyone has ever written about politics. And yesterday he predicted that billion-year-old Republican Sen. Dick Lugar would be Obama’s pick. WTF? And don’t forget this gay little stunt too, in which he mocks political reporters who like to spread the shit without any factual basis. Projecting much? God he is a twit. Why are we even writing about this twit? Who? [The Page, HuffPo] Read more on Mark Halperin Hasn’t Gotten Veep Scoop Yet Because He’s Too Busy Being Annoying…
 

Is John Edwards Finally Going To Endorse Barry? (UPDATE: Yup!)

So hints tragic reporter hero Mark Halperin, who says the Barry campaign will announce a major endorsement between 6:15 and 7:15. Obama will be holding a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan tonight — and John Edwards got on a plane this afternoon! Maybe he was just flying to Outer Space or some deserted island, far, far away from the speculative hellhole we call the Two-Hour News Cycle. UPDATE: Nope, no vacation. It’s confirmed by Politico, ABC, MSNBC, NYT, etc. etc., that Edwards will indeed throw his White Weight behind Elitist Barry. [The Page] Read more on Is John Edwards Finally Going To Endorse Barry? (UPDATE: Yup!)…
 

Mark Halperin’s Latest Insider Information

Time‘s Mark Halperin isn’t naked, or dreaming about Matthew McConaughey, or asking the important obvious questions. But he is doing something else that is strange. Who will win? Lassie. It is Lassie who will run against John McCain for president. [The Page/Time] Read more on Mark Halperin’s Latest Insider Information…
 

Will Hillary Feel Bad If She Loses Tomorrow’s Primaries?

There’s so much news this election cycle from the various Journalistic Reporters; how do we even know what to believe, and what are the questions we should be asking? Fortunately we have reporters like Time‘s Mark Halperin to sift through the material and offer “Halperin’s Take” on the events at hand. Halperin’s thoughts and commentary transcend what you or I could ever hope to think or comment. Today, he offers “Halperin’s Take” on that question we’re all asking: Will Hillary go on if she loses Texas and/or Ohio tomorrow? She will, according to Halperin, because she wants to be president! Read more on Will Hillary Feel Bad If She Loses Tomorrow’s Primaries?…
 

This Primary Season Needs To End Immediately

Thank you, Mark Halperin, for equating the current status of the Democratic race with saucy minx Matthew McConaughey, laden against the backdrop of one of those famous yellow Texas apocalypses. It is almost March, and Barack Obama is predictably breaking Hillary’s firewalls in Ohio and Texas. Matthew McConaughey will soon be naked and the Texas sky will be fuchsia. God will let us stop crying then, and Hillary will be gone. [The Page, Washington Post] Read more on This Primary Season Needs To End Immediately…
 

Hillary SURGING To American Victory!

The Gallup Daily Tracking Poll shows Hillary finally closing that deficit after a whole five or six days. She’s only losing by one point now. Call the election! Hillary wins forever, soon! Don’t, stop, thinkin’ about tomorrow… But in real life, she actually does have some vague chance of winning Wisconsin tonight, even though she’s lost every primary election since Super Tuesday. Accordingly, those wombats at the Obama campaign have “lowered expectations” dramatically via their daily talking points. So either way, they win by 50 points, in the American Voter’s mind. Read more on Hillary SURGING To American Victory!…