Ooh la la! TIME magazine’s president of sadness, Mark Halperin, appears to be having the whack of his life right now, reading Sarah Palin’s book. Or at least someone Photoshopped to look like Mark Halperin is! (Fred Thompson??) What is the fake masturbating Mark Halperin/Fred Thompson computer robot discovering? MORE »

Time magazine chief clownsack Mark Halperin, the reporter who modernized “bullshit” for the post-Cold War era, is cold goin’ nuts in this, the most anticipated edition of HALPERIN’S TAKE in 350 years. He actually produces some trenchant TAKES within his ten TAKES, but we all know that this is what’s really getting him all riled up: “7. Please stop saying that Matt Drudge has lost his influence — or that those who point out his obvious influence are therefore celebrating his influence.” Yeah come on guys! Mark Halperin’s got like nine books resting on the key assertion that Matt Drudge determines everything in politics! [The Page]

TIME magazine’s chief political sociopath Mark Halperin, who is right about most things, in politics, is urging readers of his The Page website to memorize Sean Hannity’s interpretation of Sarah Palin’s steamy resignation, oh boy. Sean Hannity says not to trust the media! Since such parameters would ostensibly include Mark Halperin, we agree with Sean Hannity. But what non-Hannity conclusions does Halperin include in the latest not-annoying edition of “HALPERIN’S TAKE,” not-annoyingly titled “9 Pieces of ‘Analysis’ About Sarah Palin’s Decision That Are Flat-Out Totally Wrong”? MORE »

Here’s “the news:” tomorrow morning, Barack Obama will speak at 10:10 to outline his plan for closing Guantanamo Bay, if there still is a plan, while Dick Cheney will speak to the American Enterprise Institute at 10:30 re: his favorite torture moments. In other words, if you live anywhere in the continental United States and open your window right now, you’ll be able to hear the violent fapping sounds emanating from Time magazine’s Washington bureau. MORE »

• LET’S JUST FUEL THIS MEGHAN MCCAIN/ANN COULTER FEUD FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES AND THEN KILL OURSELVES: Speaking of death, have you heard about this thing where Ann Coulter and Bill Maher are on a “debate tour” with Mark Halperin serving as moderator? Does one actually pay to attend this? In any event, Halperin asked Coulter today in New York what she thought about Meghan McCain’s trite, confused stream of spittle yesterday, and Coulter was like, “Who cares?” and then Halperin went and begged Drudge for a link while Bill Maher complained about Jesus. Next stop, Boston, or wherever. [Raw Story]

Oh sure it’s an old joke, mispronouncing House minority leader John Boehner’s last name (it’s really pronounced “Choire”). But still: ha ha, “penis.” Halperin YOU SCALAWAG, you totally had this in mind. [The Page]

Hey you know who has been douchier than usual in the last couple of days is that Mark Halperin, the famous political reporter who thinks he knows everything but is always wrong. His website has all sorts of useful information — campaign press releases, teevee schedules, etc. — but also a constantly updated cycle of crap predictions. This edition of “Halperin’s Take” is the worst thing anyone has ever written about politics. And yesterday he predicted that billion-year-old Republican Sen. Dick Lugar would be Obama’s pick. WTF? And don’t forget this gay little stunt too, in which he mocks political reporters who like to spread the shit without any factual basis. Projecting much? God he is a twit. Why are we even writing about this twit? Who? [The Page, HuffPo]

So hints tragic reporter hero Mark Halperin, who says the Barry campaign will announce a major endorsement between 6:15 and 7:15. Obama will be holding a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan tonight — and John Edwards got on a plane this afternoon! Maybe he was just flying to Outer Space or some deserted island, far, far away from the speculative hellhole we call the Two-Hour News Cycle.

UPDATE: Nope, no vacation. It’s confirmed by Politico, ABC, MSNBC, NYT, etc. etc., that Edwards will indeed throw his White Weight behind Elitist Barry. [The Page]

Time’s Mark Halperin isn’t naked, or dreaming about Matthew McConaughey, or asking the important obvious questions. But he is doing something else that is strange. Who will win? Lassie. It is Lassie who will run against John McCain for president. [The Page/Time]

There’s so much news this election cycle from the various Journalistic Reporters; how do we even know what to believe, and what are the questions we should be asking? Fortunately we have reporters like Time’s Mark Halperin to sift through the material and offer “Halperin’s Take” on the events at hand. Halperin’s thoughts and commentary transcend what you or I could ever hope to think or comment. Today, he offers “Halperin’s Take” on that question we’re all asking: Will Hillary go on if she loses Texas and/or Ohio tomorrow? She will, according to Halperin, because she wants to be president! MORE »

Thank you, Mark Halperin, for equating the current status of the Democratic race with saucy minx Matthew McConaughey, laden against the backdrop of one of those famous yellow Texas apocalypses. It is almost March, and Barack Obama is predictably breaking Hillary’s firewalls in Ohio and Texas. Matthew McConaughey will soon be naked and the Texas sky will be fuchsia. God will let us stop crying then, and Hillary will be gone. [The Page, Washington Post]