Dennis “the Hutt” Hastert is giving up and quitting, finally, after somehow keeping his congressional seat (if not the House majority) despite personally providing Mark Foley with fresh naked boys each morning. But as each sore loser Republican announces their ignoble retreat from politics in this grim summer, they are required to give interviews consisting of bitter attacks on American citizens for voting them out of power. MORE »

Wait, what? This is from the official Florida House of Representatives website, and it’s apparently a “technology hearing,” and our now-shamed haunter of men’s public restrooms is holding, we believe, a tiny breathalyzer device. So he’ll obviously be checking into rehab shortly. And the guy who took the picture should have some recommendations, as far as that goes.

Florida House of Representatives

The following e-mail was just sent specifically to Wonkette:

Hello,

I would like to invite all the Capitol Hill Interns to a TV shoot in DC … I’ts for a prime time series …. Could you send out a mass email?

Please call me…it’s happening on Monday!!!

Diane
323.904.xxxx

Sure, “Diane,” we’ll send out a mass e-mail. Good luck with your “TV shoot in DC.”

If we were a little more gullible, today we would be the proud winners of the Peabody Award that’s going to Brian Ross and his goddamned prop phone. MORE »

Behold Harriet Miers, far from Dorothy, Rose, and Sofia, yet smirking all the way to the hearing room. She’s in today’s Wonk’d, along with Mark Foley in the role of the sassy friend with all the best zingers and Barney Frank playing the lovable dummy. Make the jump for these golden girls, plus Rick Santorum as the hateable dummy, Jesse Jackson, Jr. as “the black one,” and one very hungry Stephanie Herseth.

MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: Rep. Norm Dicks, chair of the House Appropriations subcommittee on Interior and environment, wears a jacket with the words “Mr. Chairman” emblazoned on the front. On Saturdays. While getting a haircut… No members of Congress at Madame Tussauds, thank god. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: All-around douchebag and Abramoff buddy Michael Scanlon is suing his ex-wife for all the money in the world plus one dollar… New York state legislator starting a bizarre Courage Cup controversy. Features this sentence: “We will have nothing further to do with this person or his imaginary polo activity….” [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Darryl Strawberry was at Blue Gin Saturday night, where the hell were you? … NICOLAS CAGE IS COMING, PREPARE YOURSELF. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Staffer steals Rep. Tom Tancredo’s car, smashes it into another car, tells Cap Police he had permission. If it weren’t for stupid Libby we’d have just written about this all day long… Crazy former Marine sending crazy letters to congresswoman. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Tim Mahoney, who unseated Mark Foley, has directed his staff to communicate via instant messenger… David Gregory: Airport line skipper. [Politico]
* The Sleuth: Dick Morris continues to entertain. He’s being served with a subpoena by the DC Madam who’s threatening to sell her client list, all while trying to make an anti-Hillary documentary. [WP] MORE »

* Heard on the Hill: There are racy pictures of that American Idol contestant from DC on the internets. She’s “cavorting” in the WWII Memorial fountain, for some reason… Scooter Libby partied with two young women at Poste Brasserie last Saturday. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Ted Kennedy apparently got a black Aston Martin for his birthday, but now his wife says it was a rental… Patrick Fitzgerald drove down to DC from Chicago just to prosecute Scooter Libby. How sweet of him! … Mark Foley finally sold his DC house. Made out pretty good, too. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: California Governor Ranier Wolfcastle suggests that a “smoking tent” in the Capitol would solve all sorts of partisan woes… Most congressional websites suck… Humorous typo on the White House dinner menu! [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Googling Giuliani for president” brings up a McCain ad… Obama’s children desperate to know why the hell they have to be in Iowa… Richard Lewis donated money to Joe Biden. Nothing makes sense anymore. [The Hill]
* Shenanigans: Rudy’s interviewing tailors… McCain snubs CPAC… Al Gore: still puffy! [Politico]
* Inside the Beltway: GEORGE W. BUSH: DOUBLE-DIPPER. [WT]
* The Sleuth: Bob Ney’s chief of staff pleaded guilty, turns out Ney kept his dirty money in a safe in a his House office. [WP]

These sightings always bring more questions than answers. Is Tom Vilsack so hard up for publicity that he’ll sit in a window scarfing burgers to get noticed? What makes George Allen think he’s still a member of Congress? Is James Carville sane? Does Donald Rumsfeld need a lawyer for all the reasons we think he does? If Ted Kennedy can get his dog to follow his commands, how come no one else does? Is Chris Matthews sane? Has Norah O’Donnell been watching too much Godfather II? Did Tucker Carlson rub one out to Miss America after their lunch? Keep reading to see what’s making us wonder about this stuff, plus a former congressman who travels with the kind of luggage you don’t carry if you want to get your gayness fixed.

MORE »

MORE »

After the Mark Foley scandal, it was all but certain that even the most naive “civic minded” teenager would avoid the House and Senate page programs. Instead, becoming a page is more popular than ever before. MORE »

This week’s Wonk’d features at least three sightings that we actually believe happened! Plus one joke + invasive picture of some dude on the metro and one almost-plausible Mark Foley sighting. Slim pickins, but hardly anyone’s been in town for two weeks. We expect things to pick up come January, but until then, enjoy John McCain, Katherine Harris, Megyn Kendall, and a “Jack Abramoff”, after the jump.

MORE »