Hoochiemama! Teenage cumsicle LEVI JOHNSTON shan’t be accepting the generous Turkey Day invitation from SARAH PALIN, who selflessly offered her home to Levi on national teevee! “You could tell by her laugh she was full of it,” explained Levi. And by “it,” Levi meant “a deep-seated desire to punch me, Levi Johnston, in the dick.” Stay away from Levi’s junk, Sarah! It is his livelihood … MORE »

MARK FOLEY HAS A RADIO SHOW! YOU REMEMBER MARK FOLEY YES? Former Republican congressman and young male page-stroker Mark Foley has a new job, in this economy! Beginning September 22nd he will host his very own radio show out of North Palm Beach, Florida, called “Inside the Mind of Mark Foley.” So there’s that. [TPM]

We just received a lovely e-mail from a poor soul who had to participate in a conference call with Rep. John Shimkus, famous for, what… ah right, trying to sweep Mark Foley’s gay child sex under the gay child sex rug. Let’s let our operative tell the rest: “I sat in on a teleconference with Congressman John Shimkus, who has no speaking skills whatsoever. At any rate, he begins the teleconference with this gem, which I have attatched. Barack Obama is exactly like George Bush because of three things…” MORE »

Poor Mark Foley. In olden times (two years ago), he was just another affable barely-closeted gay Republican, well liked by his colleagues and constituents. Then he got caught exchanging sexy instant messages with 17-year-old male pages who were pretty clearly like, “Whatever, you old creep,” and suddenly everybody thought he was terrible. Now Foley’s breed of harmless homosexual Republican has been hunted almost into extinction, even as exorcism fetishists, alien warlords, and angry old crooks flourish within the party ranks. Let’s see what the fragile, endangered Cocktobrus floridianus has to say for himself. MORE »

Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, the freshman Congressman who took over gay pedophile Mark Foley’s Florida seat in 2006, has confessed that he boned that person Pat, and that he boned another Florida trailer trash county administrator, and that he has boned “multiple” other non-wife gals since forever. When asked HOW MANY EXACTLY, his frightening response was, “You’re asking me over a lifetime?” Yeah, c’mon people, he’s not a freaking abacus, he’s not a math numbers… scientist… expert… guy. The hell kind of a question is that? [AP]

THIRTEEN DAYS, people, THIRTEEN DAYS it took this year to hear about some sweet Cocktober 2008 action. People just aren’t having as much inappropriate scandal sex this year, who knows why, maybe because of the Surge. But. The man on the left is Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney of Florida, famous for ousting perhaps the greatest Cocktoberist of all, gay child-fucker Mark Foley, in 2006. Mahoney defeated Mark Foley with a brilliant platform of being a living human who was not Mark Foley. But now Mahoney will lose that seat back to the Republicans, because he’s been fucking that “thing” on the right and paying it hush-up money. MORE »

A long time ago right before this current presidential campaign began, in 2006, there was a charming middle-aged Florida bachelor congressman named Mark Foley who loved to masturbate while typing dirty messages to the boy-children who served as Congressional pages. Occasionally, he would show up drunk at the boy-page barn and demand some action. There is nothing wrong with this, and Congressmen wouldn’t have those young supple pages supplied by the government if not to fuck those kids, right? MORE »

Cocktober 2006 was a beautiful time; we remember it fondly, becoming misty-eyed and nostalgic whenever we are reminded of that better, simpler time when everyone was really interested in sexytime emails and porn. One of those times that makes us misty is right now, as we are told that Nancy Pelosi won’t help Florida law enforcement probe any deeper into whether or not our old friend Mark Foley committed any of a multitude of possible felonies. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement appealed to the Speaker herself to let them look at the backup tapes (tapes?) from Foley’s old computer, but Nancy said no. MORE »

Just about the time that former Speaker Denny Hastert was promising not to run for reelection, recently revealed documents show he was also settling a case with the FEC. See, he sorta kinda maybe spent $150K of his reelection campaign money on legal bills in the whole didn’t-prevent-Foley-from-molesting-boys thingie — which is itself perfectly legal, go campaign finance “reform”! — but he forgot to tell anyone in his FEC filings because he probably didn’t want all his donors to know that he was spending the money defending his incompetence instead of getting reelected. Total cost to Hastert for disobeying the disclosure law: $1,000. He didn’t face anything harsher than an Ethics Committee rebuke for not stopping Foley, though. Justice is so sweet, isn’t it? [Washington Post]

Jeez, the news sure was newsy back then, in 1982, when then-Congressman Larry Craig was also on national teevee denying he fucks boys. He was “unmarried by choice” at the time, and accused of getting Congressional pages HIGH ON COCAINE/MARIJUANA and screwing them at his house. MORE »

Mark Foley won’t let investigators see his sexytime on his computer, and Congress bravely stands by the teen-boy-loving ex-congressman. [MSNBC]