Tag Archives: mark foley

  Worser and worser

This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School

Sick fuck if true
Remember when we told you the story of the indictment of former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert, for allegedly paying hush money to cover up his sexual abuse of a former student known only as “Individual A,” was only going to get worse? It’s worse. Read more on This Lady Says Sick Bastard Denny Hastert Molested The Hell Out Of Her Brother In High School…
  It's always the cover-up

Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!

Shed a tear for Denny
Back when Republican Denny Hastert was Speaker of the House — before he became a lobbyist and before he was indicted for paying someone a whole lot of hush money to cover up “prior misconduct,” whatever that means, we are terrified to find out — there was this whole other thing Hastert tried to keep all hushed up, and it was a gross Republican sex scandal (our favorite kind). Time to flashback thingy! Read more on Let’s Remember That Time Speaker Denny Hastert Covered Up A GOP Sex Scandal!…
  Allegedly

Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad

Good point!
Once upon a time, while the Republican Party was trying to recover from its self-inflicted wounds after its disastrous impeachment trial of President Bill Clinton for getting an extramarital hummer, conservative evangelical Illinois Republican Dennis Hastert became Speaker of the House. He wasn’t the first choice; Speaker Newt Gingrich had decided to retire, after making a mess of Congress, and the party’s second choice, Bob Livingston, also resigned in disgrace — for sexytiming someone who was not his wife — before he could even assume the position. Runner-up Hastert eventually landed the gig because of his clean-as-a-whistle reputation. Certainly he would not bring hypocritical shame to the party that had just thrown a constitutional temper tantrum over a blowjob. Until now. Read more on Ex-Speaker Denny Hastert Indicted For Paying Hush Money To Cover Up Something REAL Bad…
  Yes All Men

It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously

Be afraid. Very afraid.
Men are kind of the worst,* as we all know. They are paid more money for the same job at [fill in just about any industry, no really, even the women-dominated ones, like nursing]. They are charged less for dry-cleaning. They do most of the murdering, raping, domestic violencing and other criming. They spread their legs all over the subway like it’s theirs. They suck up all of the oxygen, with their constant mansplaining of every goddamned thing. Also, they have only just barely started contributing to housework, a little bit, and they already want all the trophies and prizes and parades, Jesus joint-smokin’ Christ. Read more on It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously…
  lonely page awareness

Mark Foley ‘Reaching Out,’ ‘Touching’ Young Republicans

You know what? There’s something charming about Mark Foley continuing to pretend he’s not deader than dead politically. It’s charming seeing him tread into the most obvious jokes over and over. He just doesn’t care. Sure, he follows half-naked 15-year-old boys on Twitter. And still talks about admiring from a distance shirtless teenage boys fishing on a lake. And only attends “Young” Republican events, especially if they’re at some sort of gay cowboy bar. He is secure with who he is and also wants to discuss municipal bond proposals! Nice work. Go for it, Foley! Just, for future reference, try to make sure the most ridiculously pedophile-looking guy in the place isn’t the one talking to the AP cameras, okay? Read more on Mark Foley ‘Reaching Out,’ ‘Touching’ Young Republicans…
  cocktober alumni newsletter

Friend of Children Mark Foley Looking At Running For Office Again

Guess who may run for mayor of West Palm Beach, Florida! Mark Foley is certain the voters would give him a chance. “I do have the luxury that I can be the last man to file if I choose to, and still have the name ID,” he told a local newspaper. That does sound very luxurious! Mark Foley will announce his candidacy from a steamy hot tub full of only the finest chocolates and Taylor Lautner impersonators. Or that will probably be how he announces; we don’t know for sure because he made his Twitter account private after we shared its beauty with the rest of the Internet. Sure, voters may be more likely to vote for an Al Qaeda candidate than Mark Foley. But he seems pretty sure they still like him despite everything. Read more on Friend of Children Mark Foley Looking At Running For Office Again…
  oh boy

Mark Foley Joins His Pal Justin Bieber On Twitter

Wow. Congressional-page connoisseur Mark Foley is on Twitter. Is he legally allowed to do that? Who knows, but it turns out Foley has been on Twitter since March. He only has 181 followers right now, despite being rather infamous. When he joined, did he have to alert his new Twitter neighbors he’s gotten in trouble with the law before for messaging underage boys on the Internet? That joke is actually a legitimate question, because Mark Foley is “following” a half-naked 15-year-old boy on Twitter right now. We are completely serious. Read more on Mark Foley Joins His Pal Justin Bieber On Twitter…
  remember this guy?

Famous Sex Person Mark Foley Spotted Somewhere On Earth

Wonkette “The View From Your Window” operative “UFgatorzfan4life” sends us this PG-13 erotica telephone picture of pedophile Mark Foley and writes, “Here is your favorite disgraced Congressman from Palm Beach County. He’s hanging out at Starbucks..texting..riding his bike with his shirt unzipped. You know, normal disgraced Congressman activities. I see him about once a month here.” HEY OPERATIVE: Next month when you see Mark Foley half-naked in spandex discreetly texting on an empty street, you must find a way to steal that phone. It is a public safety issue, for children. Read more on Famous Sex Person Mark Foley Spotted Somewhere On Earth…
  wagg the bog

Mark Foley Misses The Good Life, And Levi Johnston Fears Sarah’s Evil Cackle

Hoochiemama! Teenage cumsicle LEVI JOHNSTON shan’t be accepting the generous Turkey Day invitation from SARAH PALIN, who selflessly offered her home to Levi on national teevee! “You could tell by her laugh she was full of it,” explained Levi. And by “it,” Levi meant “a deep-seated desire to punch me, Levi Johnston, in the dick.” Stay away from Levi’s junk, Sarah! It is his livelihood … Read more on Mark Foley Misses The Good Life, And Levi Johnston Fears Sarah’s Evil Cackle…
  oh boy

MARK FOLEY HAS A RADIO SHOW! YOU REMEMBER MARK FOLEY YES? Former Republican congressman and young male page-stroker Mark Foley has a new job, in this economy! Beginning September 22nd he will host his very own radio show out of North Palm Beach, Florida, called “Inside the Mind of Mark Foley.” So there’s that. [TPM] Read more on …
  the failed presidency of barack obama

Congressman Gives *Thorough* Proof That Barack Obama Is George W. Bush

We just received a lovely e-mail from a poor soul who had to participate in a conference call with Rep. John Shimkus, famous for, what… ah right, trying to sweep Mark Foley’s gay child sex under the gay child sex rug. Let’s let our operative tell the rest: “I sat in on a teleconference with Congressman John Shimkus, who has no speaking skills whatsoever. At any rate, he begins the teleconference with this gem, which I have attatched. Barack Obama is exactly like George Bush because of three things…” Read more on Congressman Gives *Thorough* Proof That Barack Obama Is George W. Bush…
  cocktober

Mark Foley Breaks 2-Year Silence

Poor Mark Foley. In olden times (two years ago), he was just another affable barely-closeted gay Republican, well liked by his colleagues and constituents. Then he got caught exchanging sexy instant messages with 17-year-old male pages who were pretty clearly like, “Whatever, you old creep,” and suddenly everybody thought he was terrible. Now Foley’s breed of harmless homosexual Republican has been hunted almost into extinction, even as exorcism fetishists, alien warlords, and angry old crooks flourish within the party ranks. Let’s see what the fragile, endangered Cocktobrus floridianus has to say for himself. Read more on Mark Foley Breaks 2-Year Silence…
  cocktober

Sexpot Congressman Admits Affair, And Another Affair, And Probably Like 900 Million Other Affairs Too

Democratic Rep. Tim Mahoney, the freshman Congressman who took over gay pedophile Mark Foley’s Florida seat in 2006, has confessed that he boned that person Pat, and that he boned another Florida trailer trash county administrator, and that he has boned “multiple” other non-wife gals since forever. When asked HOW MANY EXACTLY, his frightening response was, “You’re asking me over a lifetime?” Yeah, c’mon people, he’s not a freaking abacus, he’s not a math numbers… scientist… expert… guy. The hell kind of a question is that? [AP] Read more on Sexpot Congressman Admits Affair, And Another Affair, And Probably Like 900 Million Other Affairs Too…
  cocktober

Mark Foley’s Replacement Was Doing This Non-Wife Person

THIRTEEN DAYS, people, THIRTEEN DAYS it took this year to hear about some sweet Cocktober 2008 action. People just aren’t having as much inappropriate scandal sex this year, who knows why, maybe because of the Surge. But. The man on the left is Democratic Congressman Tim Mahoney of Florida, famous for ousting perhaps the greatest Cocktoberist of all, gay child-fucker Mark Foley, in 2006. Mahoney defeated Mark Foley with a brilliant platform of being a living human who was not Mark Foley. But now Mahoney will lose that seat back to the Republicans, because he’s been fucking that “thing” on the right and paying it hush-up money. Read more on Mark Foley’s Replacement Was Doing This Non-Wife Person…
  cocktober surprise

Mark Foley’s Name Will Be Cleared!

A long time ago right before this current presidential campaign began, in 2006, there was a charming middle-aged Florida bachelor congressman named Mark Foley who loved to masturbate while typing dirty messages to the boy-children who served as Congressional pages. Occasionally, he would show up drunk at the boy-page barn and demand some action. There is nothing wrong with this, and Congressmen wouldn’t have those young supple pages supplied by the government if not to fuck those kids, right? Read more on Mark Foley’s Name Will Be Cleared!…
 

Pelosi Already Checked The Computers For Porn, Ok?

Cocktober 2006 was a beautiful time; we remember it fondly, becoming misty-eyed and nostalgic whenever we are reminded of that better, simpler time when everyone was really interested in sexytime emails and porn. One of those times that makes us misty is right now, as we are told that Nancy Pelosi won’t help Florida law enforcement probe any deeper into whether or not our old friend Mark Foley committed any of a multitude of possible felonies. The Florida Department of Law Enforcement appealed to the Speaker herself to let them look at the backup tapes (tapes?) from Foley’s old computer, but Nancy said no. Read more on Pelosi Already Checked The Computers For Porn, Ok?…
 

Denny Spent a Bunch of Money, Forgot to Say

Just about the time that former Speaker Denny Hastert was promising not to run for reelection, recently revealed documents show he was also settling a case with the FEC. See, he sorta kinda maybe spent $150K of his reelection campaign money on legal bills in the whole didn’t-prevent-Foley-from-molesting-boys thingie — which is itself perfectly legal, go campaign finance “reform”! — but he forgot to tell anyone in his FEC filings because he probably didn’t want all his donors to know that he was spending the money defending his incompetence instead of getting reelected. Total cost to Hastert for disobeying the disclosure law: $1,000. He didn’t face anything harsher than an Ethics Committee rebuke for not stopping Foley, though. Justice is so sweet, isn’t it? [Washington Post] Read more on Denny Spent a Bunch of Money, Forgot to Say…
 

Gay Larry Craig’s Been Denying It Forever

Jeez, the news sure was newsy back then, in 1982, when then-Congressman Larry Craig was also on national teevee denying he fucks boys. He was “unmarried by choice” at the time, and accused of getting Congressional pages HIGH ON COCAINE/MARIJUANA and screwing them at his house. Read more on Gay Larry Craig’s Been Denying It Forever…
 

Mark Foley won’t let investigators see his sexytime on his computer, and Congress bravely stands by the teen-boy-loving ex-congressman. [MSNBC]
 

Denny Hastert Bravely Blames Americans For His Failure

Dennis “the Hutt” Hastert is giving up and quitting, finally, after somehow keeping his congressional seat (if not the House majority) despite personally providing Mark Foley with fresh naked boys each morning. But as each sore loser Republican announces their ignoble retreat from politics in this grim summer, they are required to give interviews consisting of bitter attacks on American citizens for voting them out of power. Read more on Denny Hastert Bravely Blames Americans For His Failure…
 

Hey Guess Who Took This Picture of Florida Rep. Bob Allen

Wait, what? This is from the official Florida House of Representatives website, and it’s apparently a “technology hearing,” and our now-shamed haunter of men’s public restrooms is holding, we believe, a tiny breathalyzer device. So he’ll obviously be checking into rehab shortly. And the guy who took the picture should have some recommendations, as far as that goes. Florida House of Representatives Read more on Hey Guess Who Took This Picture of Florida Rep. Bob Allen…